Savage Love Episode 298


The guy who called in to say the abuser won't be mean to his own child the same way he's mean to his divorcee.... he's off-base. An abuser is an abuser.
I couldn't understand the URL the woman gave at the end of the podcast. Can someone please post it for me? I'm talking about the porn site she was referring to. Thanks!
I don't get the response to the last question AT ALL. Sure, sure, the kid is in college and therefore presumably a legal adult, and sure, he could be enjoying the older man's attentions, but this guy is both his teacher AND his boss? The power dynamic there is so far out of balance that I couldn't believe my ears when Dan started his response with "misidentifying the villain." Surely the college has some kind of policy forbidding teachers from bringing their current students in to live with them and talking openly about their dicks?
Thank you for the fireworks rant. It made me laugh. I’m totally in your boat. No amount of internet videos and internet articles will change my husband’s attitude.
Thought you might be interested in the April 30, 2012 episode of the British podcast from Little Atoms (on iTunes) where the host Neil Denny interviews Richard Holloway, who talks about how Christianity has pathologized sex; the act, women, and homosexuality.
Very interesting indeed.
I found the website from the last comment on this podcast:
Regarding the first (?) call from the woman dating the grad student: I think Dan's advice to stay together and tough it out is solid but it lacked a crucial caveat. As someone who made it through five years of grad school and has a social circle of people who did or will do the same thing, I can say that it's not guaranteed that the end of graduate school will mean tons of extra free-time and a new & relaxed outlook on life. People who work hard are likely to keep working hard for the rest of their lives. Dan brought up the ~7 years of medical school and residency; there are plenty of doctors who continue working nights & weekends until they retire (i.e. until they die).

My advice to the over-giving, potentially-resentful girlfriend is to give a little less and let friends & hobbies fill the surplus time that you have (and he lacks) instead of getting worked up that your boyfriend isn't giving enough back.
Dan mentioned that he dreamed of a sex ed program that included the following: Sex for pleasure, comprehensive, inclusive of LGBTQQA, kink, (I'll add fetish and relationships), along with the mechanics of sex, STIs and birth/STI control. There is one. It is called Our Whole Lives. Developed jointly between the United Church of Christ and the Unitarian Universalist Association, the program is actually secular, not religious. It was developed in response to the abstinence only education that bloomed in the Bush years.

There are different grade levels. K-first grade, 4-6 grade, 7-9 grade 10-12 grade, young adult and adult. The goal is to teach the kids to make their own decisions about what is right for them, teach them better communication skills, and help them learn how to make good decisions. Kink and fetish don't get much air time until the young adult and adult programs, but if kids in the younger programs ask the questions, they will get accurate answers.

The program is totally inclusive and regularly includes example of same sex attraction, info about trans people, and includes discussions about asexuality, bisexuality etc... You can find info by Googling Our Whole Lives UCC or Our Whole Lives UUA.
I missed the URL also. Is it Crash Test? Pash Test? It sounds great!
re: link. I've struck out too after trying what I thought was everything that sounded like
The link that the woman referring to at the end of the podcast was:
The way Dan answered the last few calls was some of the best of Savage Love. He was compassionate and sensible. Best of all he understood these people. Terrific podcast!
To the woman dating a transwoman...your call broke my heart too. I've been dating my girlfriend who is transgendered for about two years. There were a lot of things to get used to for me - as my girlfriend is rather androgynous (and happy to be so), she gets misidentified a lot. It annoys the hell out of me - way more than it seems to bother her. As you say, I think she's simply more used to it. Sometimes I correct clerks and waiters, sometimes I just enjoy the looks on their faces as they try to figure us out.

But mostly, when it comes to strangers, I've taken to staring back and taking the "fuck you" attitude Dan suggested. The people you see in stores and restaurants are fleeting - a few seconds and you will not likely have to see them again. They really mean nothing to you. As for your friends, again I think Dan was on point. If they can't even consider accepting you and your girlfriend as a couple, they aren't worthy of you.

Much of this simply takes time - all the best to you both :)
@5 thank you! Subscribed :-)
Come on, we still live in a world where certain people look at interracial couples with the stink eye. What do you expect. Lots of patience and education will help out issues like these. Unfortunately, the world doesn't have much of either. I say, love what you love, and love who you love. But just love!

Dr. G
Get your daily dose
@8: I didn't realize it was a secular program- I did the 7-9 grade version when I was going to UU church with my mom. Even though I'm (kinda lapsed) Catholic now, I've still been thinking that if I ever have kids, I'm probably going to send them to Unitarian church so they can get real sex ed.
I really appreciated your rant on fireworks. Two weeks before and two weeks after the fourth are filled with bomb explosions that terrorize my dog and other animals as well. The fourth is unreal. It has made be HATE the Fourth of July.
@16. When the program is taught in a church, they have the option of using overlays developed by the UUA and/or UCC that add a religious element to the program. It doesn't change any of the content, but does add the stamp of church approval to the program. But the basic curriculum is secular.

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"Riding the rails"? People still do that?
Switch to sex down the God-path; and you'll be around for the afterlife. Wow-an out-of-the-box idea!
To the woman who is trying to get over her childhood bullying, your story is so close to mine, heartbreaking. I hate to say I am on the wrong side of this one. When I was in early elementary school, maybe kindergarten or first grade, my best friend (aka my mom's best friend's daughter) had an obsession with "the spanking game." She wanted me to spank her. I didn't like it. It started with a ping pong paddle over clothes, escalated to a plastic magic want over panties, and then when she bent over her pink playschool vanity set and told me to spank her bare bottom with a yard stick, "hard", I ran home, and told my mom I never want to play with her again. I was so ashamed and scared of her for years. In high school I found out about kinks, and thought she must have witnessed some kinky porn or been abused, because I just assumed no child could come up with that independently. I'm not proud to say I told friends about her game, and we laughed at her expense. As an adult I realize that she was probably on a long and difficult path to discovering her own sexuality, albeit a little younger than most, and hope that she has found her way to sexual fulfillment. I recently saw a picture of her wedding to a gorgeous man on facebook, and my first thought was, "I hope he spanks her hard." I wish the best kinky GGG sex for this young woman whose desires frightened and shamed me as an ignorant child. I hope that you read this, and maybe it will give you some comfort to know that your tormentors of childhood probably wish you happiness and fulfillment now. I wish I could speak for them and apologize for not understanding, for not accepting her difference, and for being cruel. I'm sorry. Please forgive us for our ignorance.
To the woman dating a grad student: It sounds like you've only known him in grad school, so you have no idea whether he'll be more giving once he's out. Also, at least where I'm at (upenn), grad school isn't such a vacuum that the grad students set friggin' curfews. School is never so challenging that homework fills up ALL of your time.

But, if you're monogamish, hopefully you can get some of your needs met elsewhere. I second the other commenters who have suggested spending less time on the bf (esp. if it's threatening to make you resentful), and more time on yourself. It doesn't have to be all (stay with the bf, keep putting 110% into the relationship) or nothing (breaking up).
To the coming-out kinkster-I am in a relationship now that's been going really well and I happened to mention that I used to tie up my barbie dolls on the first date. While for me it instantly became an "oh shhhh" moment of over-reveal, to my girlfriend it was a tiny seal of approval. I didn't experience the same trauma of shaming that you did, but I want to reiterate that it does get better, and that some of the things that seemed to be the source of shame will become anecdotes and stories that identify and signify something positive-a kink you can enjoy with a partner.