Savage Love Episode 312


To the guy who likes wrestling/roughhousing as foreplay- I personally love it, and I don't think it's unusual at all. You have nothing to fear. :o)
It's amazing how some of the questions my husband and I bring up with each other about our sex life come up in the podcast if I just keep listening. He expressed an interest in chemical bondage, I'm open to it, we were both pondering whether we could possibly do it, and now boom, here's the answer.
To the lady calling about sterilization: I am also 22 and don't do well with hormonal birth control (hell, even low estrogen I can't tolerate. IUD isn't an option, I do not like the idea of something foreign in my body and have heard many horror stories), and have tried numerous times to become sterilized and have been turned down every time. No matter how open minded a doctor may seem, the age causes them to be apprehensive. Even if you state that you would prefer to adopt if you ever changed your mind.

Other than to keep trying, your best hope is that if your primary - if a male - and wants an operation, that he'd get it done. Males tend to have more success with this, which is an entirely different post in and of itself. Of course, this isn't a perfect solution since you have multiple partners.

I wish you luck, and if you come across anyone to help you in your 20's, please send me a message!
"On deck" is the baseball idiom you were looking for with that last call, Dan. Great show today!
In the midst of some good advice to the lady interested in chemical bondage there was some very bad advice: DO NOT hoard painkillers for recreational use. These drugs are extremely addictive and associating them with sex can't make addiction any less likely.

Find a less-addictive surrogate. Don't go there with opiates. We don't need another life wrecked by addiction.
Dan, thank you for your advice. I will try to become more educated on IUD's as well as other available forms of birth control. I will also take into further consideration that swinging may not turn out to be in practice what I imagined it in theory. Certainly not be rash and go see a surgeon before trying that out. I'm mega-squeamish though so that's a pretty good restraint for doing this before all other methods prove undesirable.

The 22-year old autistic virgin who would really like to do this very fun thing with other people sometime.
The last comment for the grieving young woman was beautiful. All three people who called in to offer her support were wonderful, but I thought the third woman was amazing.
#4: Nope, batters are "on deck" as they warm up their swing. Pitchers hang out in the bullpen where they mostly do very little and then warm up just prior to relieving the active pitcher.
#8 is right, it's a bullpen.

One lady said that she got in an accident, was prescribed pain pills, and has now fully recovered from the accident. She said that she still takes the pills to get high, and that she has fantasies of being taken advantage of in this state. Dan said that the best term for this was "chemical bondage."

He was wrong about that one. The best term for this situation, even if she's still being prescribed the pills, is ADDICTION, and it's very common for that to cause extreme fantasies or difficulty in arousal.

Dan's advice may help her enjoy her sex life in the short term, but it won't do anything to treat the real, underlying problem, which is much more serious (and, unfortunately, could lead to years of difficulty getting aroused whenever she does "face the music").
This one was pretty weak. Maybe Dan has been saving a few vicodin himself. No need to spend an hour telling the teacher not to do porn. Just say, "It's not a good idea because of the consequences if you get caught." If old stuff surfaces, remember that no one stumbles onto porn, you have to look for it. Remind your accusers of that and say, "Yes, she looks like me, kinda. Isn't that weird? Ha. Ha." Done.

Casual lady: right. Post-orgasm letdown or maybe he just had to be somewhere. Maybe he has a partner and does or doesn't have permission. Maybe he wanted to catch the debate. Why isn't particularly important, we didn't need to hear twenty-five minutes of Dan trying to soothe her ego.

Autistic girl: OK, that sounds reasonable. No complaints with that one. Kudos to her for being so together at a comparatively young age.

Hit me boy: Good luck finding someone. I'd roll that out really slow. Generally speaking, a great many women are already physically intimidated by average sized men. Especially if you're a big guy it's going to take baby steps to get her comfortable with the idea that you aren't going to hit her. It sounds pretty tame, but I think you might wind up with a girl who's so great that you are going to have to give up that as the price of admission. There. That didn't take twenty minutes.

Painkiller girl: That's dangerous. it's also illegal, although your chances of getting caught are probably not super high, the consequences might be greater. Like others have said, you're probably addicted or nearly there already. If you've been watching House and you think a painkiller addiction is a charmingly romantic eccentricity, think again. Use something else to get high, and like the previous caller, be prepared eventually for "the one" maybe not be able to go there comfortably. Lord knows I couldn't.

Finally, just when I thought this one was grinding to a halt, we did have the lovely and compasssionate calls for the bereaved girl. I agree, they were all great and the final caller is a tremendous soul.
Autistic Girl: You should find yourself a ob-gyn who's VERY familiar with the IUD. I was in your shoes in college, but had a hard time convincing someone to give me an IUD since they said a potential side effect was sterilization (which I wasn't so upset about). Turns out, that's not actually the case - the IUD manufacturers were just saying that to avoid medical malpractice suits. IUDs are amazing - they last for YEARS, and you only have to remember when to replace them. They can be expensive, but I found mine was exactly the same as birth control costs, just all upfront. I'm on my second 5-year IUD now, and it's amazing. Implants (Implanon) have more side effects, and much more hormones than the IUD does. It sounds like it would be a good solution for you - I'd tried every other method of birth control, and all others didn't work for various reasons. Also remember you should be using condoms while swinging anyway, because babies aren't the only problems that can result from unprotected sex. You'll be fine - get an IUD for five years, and by then you'll probably be able to find a doctor who'll do the sterilization for you.

Hit me Guy - you sound great! Probably the hottest sexual experience I've had involved me pretending to say no and fighting off my boyfriend at the time, and he pretended to force himself on me. It wasn't planned out, we hadn't discussed it, it wasn't a "rape" scenario or anything. We had been together for a LONG time, and knew each other well enough to read the subtleties of what we each were doing and wanted. After that one instance, I've found I really enjoy wrestling, fighting, etc., during sex. I don't think you need to "disclose" it as a kink, or roll it out slowly at all. I don't think it even counts as a kink, unless you want to take it WAY farther than roughness (like actual ball-busting or similar things). You probably don't want to try anything involving that the first few times in bed, but if you just try to date open-minded women, I can't imagine many women freaking out about a little wrestling or roughhousing during sex.
anyone else not get this episode automatically downloaded into your podcatcher? something up with the rss feed? i had to come here to see if dude was on vacation or something.
#12, I sent a tweet to Dan about that this morning. It's not on iTunes or in the archive at the Savage Love iPhone App. I hope he gets it fixed soon.
#12 and #13: I noticed that they switched addresses for the RSS feed or have the podcast on two feeds and didn't update one of them. I simply switched the RSS address, and it works now.
#14: It seems they have a new feed within iTunes. I went and resubscribed to the new feed and it appears to be working. Thanks!
This is the show with the best host and the show with the best audience. This show is one of the main reasons sex in the English-speaking world doesn't suck as much as it used to. This show is THE number one reason it doesn't suck that there is an internet. I hope the bereaved caller is listening. I hope she heard the three people Dan played of the many many who called to talk to her.
Oh man this is a comment to the guy who wants some girl to slap him around a bit or umm "struggle with him" - baby boy come to Toronto and I'd make your dreams come true.

Sauce Little Assertive Princess

I'm having a strange problem with the Android application. I can download Episode 312, but there's no text describing the episode.

That's probably not a big deal, but last week, I missed Episode 311 but when I went to download it, neither it nor any of the previous episodes would download successfully.

Could someone please look into this? The situation makes me think that somehow the mapping between the audio and the links used to download the episodes are out of sync.

That, or the audio files have been somehow erased, which doesn't seem right to me.

Thanks very much for your time and attention,

David McKoskey
St. Paul, MN
to the 22 year old autistic virgin - ask your doctor about an IUD and continue to use condoms to protect yourself from STDs. on the most basic level of healthcare where i'm pretty sure you're from, this is going to cost you around €20. :)
To the autistic girl:

I am autistic, as well. I'm very high functioning but there is no doubt that I am on the spectrum. I remember how frustrating it was in my early twenties how many people told me my decision to never have children was just a phase. They didn't suggest it as a possibility. They informed me of the fact that I would change my mind.

That was long before I knew what was going on with me.

I don't know what it is about your autism that makes you doubt your ability to raise a child. My biggest worry was always the sensory issues. A crying, screaming child...a child who needs to touch you and be touched on a constant basis...I wouldn't be able to handle it. Even at 38, I know that I am not now and have never been capable of tolerating that.

BUT BUT BUT, I just want you to consider what Dan said to the caller just before you. You can't predict the technologies that will emerge in the next ten years. Autism is only now starting to get real attention.

I'm sure there is a lot about your autism that you love. There is certainly a good deal of mine that I wouldn't want to give up.

Some new drug or treatment might come out that helps with the hard bits, though. You might want to consider that when making a decision about a potentially irreversible change.
Dan, about the guy who wants to wrestle and get slapped around by his girlfriend. He's not alone. Search for "mixed wrestling" or "mixed grappling" on Youtube.
Dan, about the girl that wanted to do chemical restraint...appearances can be dissasterous. I have a friend who was in a relationship and did this kind of play. (they also videotaped it) Long story short, she got mad because he wouldn't marry her and took the tapes to the cops and cried rape. It looked so bad on tape, and his word against hers. Now he is in prison for 7 years! Lesson if you're going to do this type of edge play...don't videotape it!!!!!
To the woman who is thinking about getting sterlized - I knew when I was young that I didn't want kids. I don't have a medical problem, rather I realised that I am very independent and love to work and travel, so I knew that I would be happy without a child and I worried that I would regret having one. It isn't worth the risk for me. So I found a doctor (my regular doctor only asked me if I was sure, and then gave me the name of a surgeon who only asked me if I was sure - they never criticised my choice), and I live in a socially progressive country that did the surgery for free, and 10 years later I am so happy with my decision. People say "You will live to regret it" or "You can't be certain that you will feel the same way in 10 years" but some women know from when they are young girls that they want to be mothers, and no one ever questions their choice to get pregnant at 22 years old, so if you feel confident in your choice then make it. That said, IUDs with small doses of estrogen are a great option, as is depo (depo has the advantage of no period).

Another thing to consider - many people who do not want children find that sex after they are 'fixed' is so much better, as they have no stress about getting pregnant. So it can be good for your physical and mental health.

I also wanted to add that I was older when I lost my virginity, in part because I wasn't focused on the societal expectation that I 'meet that special someone' so it took some time to meet a guy with whom I felt comfortable. I don't regret anything - I have met the right people at the right times in my life (some were more positive than others, but they all taught me what I needed to know to be a better person, who loves herself) and I think my positive attitude has made me a better person. Good luck to you.
If the IUD is covered by your health plan, give it a go. It is super convenient and lasts for a decade. But don't spend too much money on it, in case it doesn't work out. I got mine through planned parenthood and it all cost about $300. I kept it for a year, so I guess I got my money's worth, but my periods were so heavy and painful (I was out of commission for half the month) that I got it taken out.
If an IUD is an option for the autistic virgin, the copper IUD or the Mirena (progesterone-based) are more effective at preventing pregnancy than tubal ligation, and are reversible. They last 5-10 years: set it and forget it. If you don't like it, they are easily removable (unlike the arm implant), but a lot of the side effects (cramping, bleeding, etc) can be managed or go away after your body gets used to it. Make sure to talk to a knowledgable and compassionate gynecologist who will explore all your options based on your needs, and one who has a reputation for good IUD placement. (Planned Parenthood-associated gynecologists have LOTS of practice.)
Two more things: the copper IUD causes heavier bleeding, whereas the Mirena reduces bleeding and might (in 10-15% of users) cause anovulation. The Mirena, using continuous dosing of progesterone (levonorgestrel, to be exact), does cause systemic effects such as breast tenderness and nausea, etc. You can look it up on sites like emedicine or other drug info sites.

These two effects are why it's important to talk to a gynecologist about which one is right for you, given how you already are with menstruation. If you are already a heavy bleeder with cramps, don't get a copper IUD. If you have strong menstruation-related systemic symptoms, maybe the Mirena isn't for you.

Sterility used to be caused by IUDs because the strings that protrude through the os of the cervix to remove or adjust them /were/ handy for bacteria to move from the vagina to the uterus causing PID, which can result in sterilization. The manufacturers have changed the string material so that this isn't a factor, and the Mirena through the levanorgestrel action creates a mucus plug in the cervix preventing bacteria from going through!

Anyway, ask someone knowledgeable and compassionate to your needs about it. If they don't give you good answers, ask someone else.
A woman on painkillers finds that she's turned on by the idea of a man "taking advantage" of her while she's blotto on meds. Is this a thing? Can it be done safely?
Just a note, lady: in Canada, even pre-consent for such sex is invalid. As far as our Supreme Court is concerned it's a sexual assault because consent lapses with consciousness, and cannot be continued with consent in advance. So, your gentleman caller is risking a rape charge if you're north of the border.
just wanted to raise another hand for the iud. i have the non-hormonal copper implant, placed in early 2011 at planned parenthood and my 'reminder' card tells me i should have it removed no later than 2023. i was nervous at first, but desperately wanted to get rid of the hormones that i had been putting in my body for close to 20 years. the first attempt at insertion did not succeed, but the people at planned parenthood were so supportive and helpful and encouraging and we made a second appointment with the dr. this time (the first attempt was a nurse midwife). they promised me "if he cant do it, no one can"..and....success!! it was so quick, and aside from a day of relative discomfort when it was first placed, i havent thought much about it since. now, mind you.. i didnt have super heavy periods or bad cramping to begin with..i am very fortunate as far as that goes because i know for some women it can be pretty bad on both of those fronts. to be honest, i think my periods have gotten lighter (which is not typical on the copper iud) than they were without it, and i have absolutely zero cramping. (i only ever get about an hours worth of cramping when i ovulate, nothing premenstrual) ....the best part about it, my insurance covered all of it, with the exception of the visit copay. so, three cheers for the iud, and millions more for planned parenthood. they told me yes, when my ob/gyn told me, 'sorry, you havent had children yet, so you are not a candidate for an iud'. its definitely worth it to do the research, and weigh the pros and cons of this method of birth control. its not 100% , like dan mentions (there are very low risks of tubal pregnancy, which can be life threatening) but its pretty darn close, and reversible.
While I'm sure there are lots of women who know for certain that they don't want kids when they're in their early twenties, I also know that there are a lot of moms in their forties who thought they'd never want kids in their twenties and changed their minds in their thirties. Why get sterilized when you can get an IUD?
I know this is a bit late - as I'm behind on podcasts - but wanted to support the woman who is considering sterilization. While considering an IUD is a viable solution, it may not be the right one for you. As a woman who didn't want children from a very early age (I knew by 18), I finally went in search of a dr to sterilize me in my 20's. As stated, this is very very difficult to find and I wasn't able to find one willing to do it until I reached 31. While you need to think hard about this choice, I do believe that women that 'young' are capable of knowing that they do not want to have a baby. I found it frustrating to be continually patted on the head and told to wait until I was older because I would likely change my mind. After I had my surgery, I felt so free and 'whole' again, as if my body was my own and not about to be highjacked at any second. Please know there are others like you out there that just know childbearing isn't for them. (Notice I didn't say child rearing!). You're not less of woman or broken if you don't want to get pregnant - an opinion I often ran into.

Hang in there and do what's best for you despite some naysayers.
"Hit me boy": I am in to you. Give a holla'
Dear "Hit me boy": I am into you. Give a holla'