That Jon has some choot-spah, there.

"Center Square gay" -- I can't believe that I haven't heard that term before and I hate that I didn't make it up.

@2, I agree, the "Center Square Gay" quote was hilarious! Oh how I wish Paul Lynde was still with us today.

Dan, I'ma cut you if you don't start including date and time so Canadians can look this up! Or name venomlash your online-at-risk-youth-intern for doing it every single time.

Did you notice with the modern family "One of them is a straight man, pretending to be gay".

One of them.

Eric Stonestreet is straight.

Slick Jon, very slick.

Effin' Brilliant, that what this was.

I don't suppose any transcripts exist anywhere?

"Your involved in the Christian lifestyle, it's bondage. It is personal bondage, personal despair and personal enslavement. And that's why this is so dangerous. It's a very sad life. It's part of Satan to say it's enlightenment, it's truth. It is anything but truth."

Love that Jon!

Jerry? Meh. He's supposed to be a pro; what's so hard about a stage slap? Plus, he was all awkward with his lines. The best line he got out was his ad lib, "It's your bit, Jon."

Anyway, forgiving all that, I still didn't like the bit that much. The dark, juvenile side of me really wants to see ol' queenie Marcus straight-up comedy-slaughtered. Yeah, I understand that what Jon did was intellectually probably more effective, but a big piece of comedy is emotional...

You know, speaking of Don Rickles, and they were, THAT'S who I'm in the mood for right now. It's a mean mood. I'd love to hear Rickles do a number on the Bachmanns.

Hold on BEG, I've got about 3/4 of the first clip done. I'm slow. Bear with me. Here's the start:

[Intro blah blah]

John: "Let's begin tonight with the latest from Indecision 2012. Michelle Bachmann has surged to a five point lead over rival Mitt Romney in the for no apparent reason crucial presidential battleground of Iowa. The key to Bachmann's success? Pro-growth agenda, adherence to the founding father's principles - and a little something extra special":

Newscaster / pundit voiceover video clip of Bachmann: "Analysts say her uncompromising views on homosexuality are also one of the big reasons she is gaining traction in Iowa"

John: "What? Why would Iowans be so concerned about what happens three inches below the corn belt? I guess since the Iowa Supreme Court legalized same sex marriage in 2009 they've noticed real changes in their state's cash crop"

[pic of field of dongs].

John: "Yes! Their worst fears! Their crops destroyed by a cock plague! A plague predicted in the 1989 hit film about Iowa, "Field of Dongs". If you build it... they will... you know. Yeah. So, it's no surprise, it's no surprise that Bachmann's anti gay message is resonating with Conservatives there. But lest you think she's pandering - rest assured - she's been on this message for years.

[Nasty recorded Michelle Bachmann quote is then played - it's transcribed in the video and I can't bring myself to type it. Editorial note: seriously, who do these people think they are?]

John, mocking Michelle Bachmann's accent: "I mean if I were to use a word to describe their lifestyle, I'd say it was queer! And it - what? Oh God, they took that word too? Oh God. Those cocksuckers. Oh! They've got that one too?"

John : "Representative Bachmann doesn't just talk the talk. She and her husband, Ph.D. Marcus Bachmann also walk the walk. Dr Bachmann runs a Christian counseling firm that allegedly practices reparative therapy, or 'Pray the Gay Away'. And while he's denied that that is a part of his practice, some of his former patients remember things differently".

Former patient: "His path for my therapy would be to read the Bible, and pray to God that I would no longer be gay"

Voiceover: "And if none of that worked, Ramirez says, the counselor had another idea"

Interviewer: "He suggested to you - what?"

Former patient: "Not acting out on my same sex attractions and living a life of celibacy".

John: "The doctor also prescribed a drug cocktail of Ibustraightophen, Nohomotrin and Heteron, and, unfortunately, the side effect was a four hour erection, and, you know, I wasn't going to let that go to waste".

@9, the clips were posted yesterday:

http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archive…

Vince at #8, brilliant.

I hope there's an army of hot men descending on him, trying to catch him on tape making an indecent proposal. (It would be too much to ask that they catch him in the act. That would mean doing the act. With him.)

Can I tell you how happy I am to know that Michelle Bachmann has never had satisfying sex in her entire life? As a straight woman who inadvertently had sex with a (pretending he wasn't) gay man one time, it is the worst. And horrible people should never be allowed to have good sex.

@15 That might be part of her problem

I think Michelle Bachmann is the straight man in all these situations.

@7 BEG here's another installment. It finishes the first clip and does about a third of the second. I'll finish up later - I have to go. I'm rubbish at this.

Jon: Of course, in all of this, we haven't yet heard from the man himself, Dr Bachmann, seen here, dancing with his wife at a tea party - wait, I'm sorry, can we just come back here? That's Michelle Bachmann's husband? [Jon sounding a bit incredulous]. That's, that's the guy.... teaching people not to be gay. Seriously. [Much audience laughter] Is that the guy - is he teaching people how not to be gay? Or is he like the Green Mile guy - just absorbing it all? No, no, you know what? No. No. I'm not going there. Don't. Don't go there Jon. Just repress it. Even though you're feeling a deep desire to comically exploit the fact that this man is an Izod shirt away from being the gay character on Modern Family. Of course, one of them is a straight man pretending to be gay. No. Don't do that Jon!! Just because Dr Bachmann's therapy to "cure gayness" does real damage to real people, and he's seemingly curing them so that he can hoard all the gayness for himself - that is no reason to let your primal urge to ridicule this seeming hypocrisy out. Just turn it off like a light switch. Turn it off. The feeling will pass. Hah! Phew! Alright. You know what? Everyone looks gayer when they're dancing anyway. Let's just hear what he has to say":

[Again - transcribed in the clip. Bachmann speaks with a stereotypical gay tone. I can't bear to type out the disgusting word salad that he's saying].

Jon: "Really! First of all, gay teenagers are barbarians who need to be educated! You m....[stops himself].

[clip one ends].

[clip two]

Jon: "Repress it. Discipline. Even though I think this man's views are terrible. And he dances and sounds not only gay but center square gay. I realize this is bigger than I am. I can't fight this on my own. I need a higher power. Someone who's been through this. Someone who understands my struggles. I wish that someone could.."

Jerry: "It's going to be OK Jon".

Audience: "Jerry, Jerry, Jerry"

Jon: "I think they have you confused with a different Jerry, but I"m glad you're here. It's my comedy repression therapist"

Jerry: "You're having trouble Jon, you're having that urge to ridicule again, aren't you.

Jon: "Yes. A presidential candidates husband. Tries to cure gay people while himself - just take a look:

Jerry: "Wow.... OK. I'm coming in".

Jon: "Thanks, I appreciate that".

Jerry: "OK, Jon, you're going to be OK. You need to get it out. What's your body wanting you to say?"

Jon: "Oh I dunno, something like - He's so gay he calls Top Gun "that volleyball movie".

Jerry: [slaps Jon] No! no!

Jon: "Wow. Thank you! I needed that".

[more to follow tonight]

Many rethuglicans are, of course, royalists at heart. The real hidden agenda is that if Michele Bachmann manages to win, there will be a queen in the White House, no constitutional tinkering required.

He's so gay he calls Top Gun "that volleyball movie".

My favorite line.

Just why would a strait man, no matter his religious beliefs, feel the need to run a "pray the gay away" clinic? Oh, that's why.
I really need to talk to my "socio-political-prejudice-repression" counselor about this. Is he really that gay, or is it just because I hate conservative Christian Republicans that much?

I still prefer "weapons-grade gay" from the Colbert Report to "center-square gay."

All I got was Dear Great Britain, Nuts to you!
Sucks.

The Bachmann's are a gift to comedy. Gotta love Jon & Jerry taking on a good theraputic cause.

@20 - mine also.

Ain't nobody loves Jon Stewart more than me, but I'm still disappointed with any comedy bits focused on whether someone's demeanor or behavior is presumed to be too effeminate for a straight man. This isn't supposed to be what we support, is it?

@7 Here's the last bit...

Jerry: "You're welcome"

Jon: "Although that was a little harder than in rehearsal, and it was more on the eye than I though it was going to be"

Jerry: "I don't believe in half measures, and I don't know how to stage slap anyway

Jon: "That's going to leave a mark. You know, just because this guy runs a therapy practice that perpetrates a terrible societal pressure on gay people, it doesn't mean that I should give in to my darker comedic urges - but I want to soooo badly"

Jerry: "Look, we talked about this in group. Jon, comedy is a choice. You weren't born this way. You can resist it. You must resist it.".

Jon: "It's so hard Jerry"

Jerry: "But instead of going for the cheap gay joke, why don't you try watching the footage and making some astute obervations?"

Jon: "OK"

Jerry: "Look at him. He's a big man. He's dancing. What kind of dance is he doing?"

Jon: "I think it's the shag"

Jerry: "Alright! The shag. That's funny name! and he's got a funny name"

Jon: "Marcus Bachmann? How is that funny?"

Jerry: "Bach - mann. What is that? Is that like some classical music superhero? Bachman? You see? YOu see? This is a target rich environment. I can't believe that you get Emmys for this crap"

Jon: "I see. It's a funny name, but have you heard his voice? It's very suggestive of certain things, it's like hitting off a tee, I mean, just listen:"

[Replay of nasty Marcus Bachman quote about gay teen barbarians]

Jerry: "OK, so it's a funny tone, he's got a funny tone, but you've got to go deeper than that, tone's cheap. You see me getting laughs with the way that I talk? [voice getting increasingly strained]

Jon: "Yes, yes I see you getting laughs"

Jerry: "No, no, they're not laughing because of that - this is just my natural tone [Editorial: it's not, it's kind of strained. This bit's a bit lame to be honest].

[They argue about whether his voice has a funny tone or not].

Jon: "So, aren't you ever tempted by this stuff?"

Jerry: "Of course. Of course I'd love to say - 'Dr Marcus Bachmann buys Brawny paper towels for the packaging' I have that in me. Or - 'He's so gay Richard Simmons tells him to 'tone it down'".

Jon: "Or that he shits Pinkberry".

[Jerry slaps Jon again]

Jerry: "No! No! That was for going blue. Don't work the blue."

Jon: "OK. It was better that it was lower"

Jerry: "It was your bit"

Jon: "I'll do better, I'll try harder, thank you for being here"

Jerry: "Good man, and remember, no matter how much of a comedy home run someone's stereotypical behaviour may be, you have to stay focused. Jon this is a nightly news parody program, not a gay dancing and tone social readjustment seminar."

Jon: "I know. Thank you"

Jerry: "Alright. I have to go, I'm needed elsewhere. Don Rickles is about to get a Chinese food delivery by a man who's half Puerto Rican and half Jewish".

Jon: "God speed"

[ends]

@27: THIS, and I'm surprised it took anyone that long to say it. Am I the only one who was bothered by the bit? Plenty of straight men dance. Some of them are assholes, some aren't. Plenty of gay men don't dance. He acts like/resembles a sitcom character played by a straight actor pretending to be gay? Yeah, sitcom stereotypes of gay men are always so realistic and believable.

@30 I don't think it's just the effeminacy, I think it's the combination of strikingly effeminate in combination with the gay-reform therapy and hyper-homophobia. All three are huge cues that someone is gay. Are there effeminate straight guys? Sure. Are there masculine gay guys? Tons. But what are the chances of an extremely effeminate, raving homophobic gay reforming republican? Pretty slim I'd say!

rubbish transcriber -- THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!! :)

@ 32 BEG - you are more than welcome. Still no main panel for Real Time on hbo.com, but I'm watching out for it. I'm guessing it might appear after episode 221 airs. I'm keen to see it too! Losing HBO is about my only (minor) regret about dumping satellite earlier this year.