Comments

1
Divorce him.

The Troll doesn't think sex is the be-all end-all of a marriage but there is lots more going on here than just crummy sex.

Tell him you are unhappy and that if you guys can't get it together you'll want a divorce, try counseling if he and you think it might help but the prognosis is not good.

(but then, maybe you DO stink but he doesn't want to admit it....)
2
I vote for Plan C, but including lots of making out and body contact. Anal can be such a hassle (and I won't that with someone I'm not super, super comfortable with), and oral rarely gets me off all by itself. But masturbating with another guy -- either each other, or ourselves but with each other -- can be very pleasurable.
3
I'm really voting for plans A or B. As someone who occasionally gets a wicked sore jaw from performing oral on my husband (we've been together just shy of 10 years now), I feel like it's my duty to say that this guy is an asshole. I push through the pain and give head because my husband loves it and I want to make him happy. I don't bitch beforehand, I don't bitch during, and I use my damned hands to help me out if I'm in a lot of pain. If my jaw still hurts the next day, maybe I'll joke to my husband his dick is too big, but I won't refuse to suck it. This guy sounds like a selfish POS, she should find hot sex elsewhere and/or DTMFA.
4
Plan B. Sorry if it's politically or otherwise incorrect, but the clock on one's life keeps ticking, and the other options are just bandaids on a big suppurating open sore. This correspondent sounds like she's already made up her mind to be a lifetime victim, which is depressing and sucks. Lots of guys out there would be thrilled to keep her happy.
5
I'd say try Plan C and just see wtf is up with your husband. Maybe it's something you never even considered, who knows? But if that leads nowhere then most definitely DTMFA! Not going down on you is bad enough but no intercourse either?? I know that doesn't hurt his jaw (assuming, like you said, that your sex is vanilla)! There is no excuse for not TRYING to get your partner off when you expect your partner to get you off (or even just accept them getting you off).
6
Dan won't tell you to get a divorce, NLSC, so I will. Your husband, and your sex life, sound a lot like my ex. I can empathize with your reluctance. The hardest thing I ever had to accept about the divorce was the concept that I would divorce. To me that meant failure after almost 20 years of marriage. Once I got over that, I came to terms with the fact that our sex life was indicative of a broken relationship. In retrospect, almost 10 years later, it's the best thing I ever did for myself. I'm so much happier now. Oh, and the man I'm married to now LOVES giving oral.
7
I agree with plan C. "I should have gotten you off first" is basically him saying that once he comes, his sex drive plummets, even though he would have been willing before. If you give him a little sample beej and tell him you'll finish it up after he gets you off, he'll go to town.
8
I'm really curious if that guy is just as selfish and lazy in other aspects of their relationship, and the letter writer has just gotten used to it.

I think we've all had to deal with people like that in our lives who say, "oops, I should have helped out with that assignment/washed the dishes/picked up the check/made you chicken soup when you were sick", but never make a move to make up for it at that time or anytime in the future. I've always grown to HATE that person whether they're a classmate, coworker, roommate, relative, or lover. The only solution is to cut them out of your life because they can't be made to change.
9
I agree with Plan C, or really Plan E, but why not compromise with a sixty-nine? Or bargain head for head (eat me out a little, then I'll blow you a little)?
10
I vote for plans C and D.

C: He needs to learn that a healthy sex life has to be reciprocal and right not it's all taking and no giving which isn't fair and is going to be very toxic in the long run. It would honestly be better to have nothing sexual going on that that much of an imbalance. It is going to build even more resentment than is already there. It doesn't have to be oral sex (see D) but it has to be something that gets her off.

D: I don't enjoy receiving oral, never have and several eager partners have tried to help me like it. The sensations just don't do it for me, I'm likely to fall asleep rather than have an orgasm, and while I enjoy PIV and PIA sex neither ever leads to an orgasm for me. Because of this toys are fantastic, especially having my partner use toys (and his hands) on me. Lots of lube, a hitachi, and a nice dildo or fingers inside will work in about 2 minutes to give me an orgasm (of course it can be stretched out much longer and I prefer if it is but the LW's husband complained about giving her an orgasm taking too long).
11
The advice sounds good in principle but I think she'd have to be an angel-in-disguise to swallow her disappointment from feeling "badly used by an inconsiderate spouse" (your words, Dan) before jumping immediately and enthusiastically into "Let's just lie here and get ourselves off." I can just imagine the incredulous look on HIS face when she suggests that - as an alternative to him getting his jollies the way he expects to (and expects HER to DO it).
12
She hasn't even gotten to gnawing on the bed posts for want of a... well, anything you can get from the spouse. Like, "Honey, would you mind just *watching* me masturbate because I've progressed to, you know, not wanting to pressure you into anything but being wrapped up into you emotionally to the point that the idea of, say, you being aware (as long as I'm certain you're aware) that I'm getting off has become my main fantasy."

I out-sourced my orgasm to a very small extent but even when you get a lover you can still be crazy about the guy at home. Who know: maybe it's Low-T. Maybe he could get it checked out and if you're objective about it, at least you'll know that it's not a health issue.

Assess what you've got, NLSC. The down side of getting to live with someone who is loyal and loving, with whom you've built a life, may be you have to be constantly creative. Plan D may be good but hubby will have to buy into it. If he doesn't, do you love him enough to focus on the positive aspects of his presence in your life? That communication Dan mentioned is going to take you the distance whether your husband gets with the program or not.
13
Just wondering if there is anything else going on here - is your husband resentful about something, and that's why his desire to please you is at an all-time low?

I ask because that's my situation right now. My partner and I have been going through a 6-month dry spell, but I finally got him to talk about it and he admitted that he is stressed about money problems we're having, and upset about my role in causing the problems.

We still love each other, and I'm sure that we'll work things out. Sure, it may be a while before we're back to normal - but I am just so relieved to FINALLY know what is going on in his head and why he has been rejecting me!
14
Plan E, because Plan C or D won't work, as it will take too long for him to wait around after he gets off for the LW to get off.
15
@12,

She says he'd be happy with a blow job a day. This doesn't sound like a low-testosterone problem.
16
I guess I'm in the minority here, but I actually kinda like plan D. C seems fine in theory (talking always = good) but if she's only blown him 5 times over the course of the past 4 months, then she could conceivably quit doing so for probably a couple months without its necessarily having a real distinct impact on him.

But if they do the toys, then it seems he'd have to either get off his ass & blow her (since the sore jaw is no longer a viable excuse) or cop some other BS, at which point she'd know he's just a selfish and/or lazy dick.. and for the record, sore jaw is a real problem I've also encountered (albeit not for days on end) and one that I've been willing to endure for the sake of the partner.
17
Dear Letter Writer,
I understand that your husband might not be enthusiastic about giving you head if it results in days of soreness and pain, but what about other ways of giving you/both of you pleasure, not to mention keeping a sense of intimacy and a special relationship going? You say in the past six months you've had "some form of sex (usually just a blow job) maybe 5 times." This means any form of sex less than once a month, little-to-no PIV or PIA or fingering or anything else, including kissing that goes beyond comfortable. And there aren't any kids to use an excuse for tiredness or lack of privacy or opportunity.

There has to be something going on.

As much as I like Dan's ideas neither of them get at the heart of the matter: you feel unattractive and perhaps unloved, are sexually unfulfilled and frustrated, and are constantly being put in the humiliating position of begging for sex you are subsequently denied, without being told why you're being refused. This has got to be doing a number on your self confidence or self-esteem.

You need to have a serious heart-to-heart talk together. Block off a period of time so there will be no interruptions--don't be rushed. If you drink, crack open a bottle of wine. And tell him. Tell him that you feel resentful, unloved, unattractive (do I look, smell, taste bad?), neglected. Tell him what you love about him, and what you love about having sex with him. Tell him what you miss, what you want. Then ask him to please respect and love you enough to tell you what is really going on.
Is he no longer attracted to you? Is he depressed? Does he feel as though he can never satisfy you, so why even try? Is he angry or resentful about something you have done/are doing/haven't done/aren't doing--so much so that it gets in the way of his wanting to either give you pleasure, or create and maintain an intimate bond with you?

Then listen to what he says.

Then you two can start working on a solution to this shared problem, together.

And if he refuses to acknowledge that there is a problem, if he assures you that everything is fine but he doesn't want jaw pain and "should have gotten you off" before you make him come and he loses sexual interest, but still makes you plead to be sexually satisfied--then walk away with the knowledge that you tried and you were honest with yourself and him.

Good luck. I hope you two come to a renaissance of sexual satisfaction in your marriage.
18
I'm curious about the husband's change over time. Was this just the normal loss of interest that comes with time, or is there something more? (After 9 years together with same woman, I must say there indeed was a decrease in the number of actual sex sessions -- but we keep talking dirty to each other all the time, as we did in the beginning, and the decrease is obviously a result of the stresses of everyday life (stressful jobs + 8-year-old daughter). We talk a lot about sex, and whenever we have a longer break (as in more than a weekend) sex is one of the top priority activities for us. So the decrease actually was because of outside causes, not because of a significant change in our libidos.

In the LW's case, however, something else seems to be going on. At first their sex life together, even though fully vanilla, was satisfying. Now she can't even get him to have intercourse with her in four months. Don't they talk about this change? What happened? Is the husband depressed? Is his libido gone, or just his sexual interest in his wife (looks like the latter, since he still masturbates, as she says; if so, then why was the interest lost)?

In other words, why aren't they talking about something that is certainly a big change from what things were like at the beginning of their relationship, and trying to understand what is going on? Isn't this a necessary pre-requisite for everything -- including deciding which of plans A, B, C, D, or E is the best solution?
19
Solution zero : don't commit to someone you're not compatible with.
20
I wonder if the LW's spouse has had his TMJ checked? If he's gritting his teeth more, even subconsciously at night, due to work stress, etc., maybe his TMJ has worsened over the last four months. Isn't that worth looking into?

I find that my TMJ worsens when highly stressed. Sex always help relieve that stress. A quick hop in the sack before beginning the dinner prep can improve a stress filled day, in my opinion. Plus it can stimulate the appetite.
21
Hey NLSC,

Just out of curiosity, have you considered waking up early on a weekend morning, prepping yourself for PIV SEX, and mounting his morning wood? Personally I LOVE my wife doing that (Are you awake???), and the rider on top is free to do whatever to get off.

We went through a few years of (almost) vacation only sex, primarily because of work and family related stress. Couples and sex counseling helped a lot, but it also took a conscious decision that sex was going to be a priority again. Yes, we both put on weight and are older, but (in my case towards my wife) desirability isn't an issue, nor is only going for brain melting sex. I found that radically decreasing my masterbation helped me to stay focused on PIV; when the need is sated it is too easy to get distracted.

Peace
22
I don't want to be a wet blanket, but often when one spouse is having an affair s/he stops being interested in having sex with the partner at home.
23
There are ebbs and flows in long term relationships. But dwindling to a four month dry spell would be intolerable for me. I've had TMJ from oral sex, so I did other things until it settled. For me the weirdest thing is this whole business of oral sex or hand jobs being easier than PiV. What's so difficult about PiV? It seems like a mark of trouble that they are not having any PiV, since it's much simpler than any other option. To me. And I've had my share of going-through-the-motions PiV or pissed-off PiV (previous relationships), but in these scenarios it's still so much easier than giving a blow/hand job or receiving oral. For me.

So there's gotta be more going on than the sex. He's selfish: I'd have cut his blow jobs out months ago. DTMFA if you aren't able to work it out fairly quickly. The LW deserves many more years of good sex. Too much resentment about what she's missing as it stands.

I'm almost 20 years into our relationship (we're in our 40s), and I'm seriously scared about what will likely be a natural slow down when we're in our 90s. I totally couldn't tolerate a four month dry spell at this early stage. And I'd consider divorce or an outside outlet.
24
I'm a woman, if that matters. Not necessarily clear from my post @23.
25
Why are C and D not A and B? Why are lovers and divorce to be considered more readily than changes in the sexual dynamic and improved communication?
26
@25: because there seems to be a lot more going on than just not talking to each other well. I said they should give it a whirl to improve their relationship, but if it's not settling out well, then to bail. Life is too short to resent a major part of one's relationship. We only get one kick at the can in this life.
27
Seriously? Divorce and lover first? Plan C & D are SO much easier to try first-I immediately thought "try some fucking toys and/or mutual masturbation".
28
I (and my wife, who is reading over my shoulder) can't figure out why PIV has been taken off the table. I can understand why maybe you would want more, considering how common it is for women to not orgasm from vanilla PIV alone. But why on earth isn't he interested in PIV?

My other question is: how did oral become something that has to be done clear through to orgasm or else not at all? Is there some problem with switching up activities during a given extended session?

Personally I disagree with those who say that TMJ is not an excuse to demur. TMJ is genuinely inflammation, which is to say, injury. Nobody should be expected to injure themselves to please their partner, period. On the other hand, can't you try doing it differently, rather than taking it off the table entirely? What is wrong with switching back and forth between oral and something else (fingers, toys, whatever) during a session? Not only does it give your jaw a rest, it keeps the creativity up.

These, however, are small technical tweaks. It sounds like there is something bigger that needs to be talked through.
29
What I don' t hear her say is, "I love him. We're great in every other way."

She says, "we're fast becoming roommates" and that's not what you say about your wonderful soul mate who is only a POS in bed.

So WTF doesn't she want to get divorced? The sex doesn't work, the guy is a selfish pig in bed, and she's not head-over-heels in love. Is it that she doesn't want to have "failed" in marriage? In some sort of gilded cage? Just afraid of the unknown? As a sex-positive woman in her 40s with a high libidio, she's going to be in demand when she starts dating.

Draw a line in sand, invite him to step over the line and up his game. But let the line in the sand move from passionate lovers to resentful roomates.
30
OK folks,
its pretty obvious;
he is a selfish lazy POS
who only wants oral and has an aversion to lady bits?

cum on now,
you can figure it out.
(hint- it starts with a "Q"....)
31

Sometimes I think that sex after 22 is unnatural.

I mean, all this effort to "make it work".

In high school, all you'd have to do is rub up against the corner of a desk and want to get it on.

32
@22 nocutename,

You wrote exactly what I didn't want to. It sucks to have to consider that route (OTOH it makes the possibility of starting over much easier).

Peace.
33
You have a long, difficult road ahead if you stay with this man. Right now there is a glaring lack of concern for you. Why is he so unconcerned? That's your biggest problem.

You may never change your sex life and yet you may decide that this is the person you want to spend your life with anyway. I didn't see that option on the list. Sometimes sex doesn't work out so great (or at all) but there is so much more to life. Are those other things enough for you?
34
So, yeah, @19 is useful advice for someone not already there, but for someone who is already there, well, I have the same question as @29: why doesn't she say the rest of the relationship is great? It sounds like the bad sex is a symptom of greater problems and not the cause. Dan's answers are good, though A&B both will wind up in the same place (no more relationship), just by different paths, and are really just a nice variation on DTMFA; if the issue really is about sex, then C&D are good.

I personally suffered that kind of disconnect in my marriage - the marriage was broken, and while I was out of my mind horny, I had zero interest in my wife. We wound up divorced. The issue was not about sex, it was about other things; the dead sex was a symptom.

I also was with someone who dumped me - it finally dawned on me that she was an emotionally unavailable commitment phobe - who I did feel was perfect in every other way, but the sex was bad. It took months post-dump to realize that the bad sex - the inconsiderate/oblivious disconnect was a result of her not really being emotionally available. So, I was wrong: we were not right for each other at all, and the bad sex was a clue.

I guess this puts me in the 'divorce' camp - no kids-no foul is right.
35
I'm with @28. The object of oral should be pleasure, not necessarily orgasm; and the result shouldn't be lots of pain from TMJ.

I'm mystified why the husband doesn't want PIV. To me, that's a bad sign, and it seems clear that there's a big problem in their relationship that mutual masturbation (however fun that may be) won"t solve. @17 gives good advice.
36
It takes a really long time for me to get off with oral, my husband's technique does nothing for me. However, I don't have experience with anyone else, so I can't offer any pointers. I bought the set of How to Go Down on a Man/Woman.....he's appreciative of my expanded skill set, but didn't crack the cover on his volume. My response to oral decreased proportionately as his bitching (while going down on me) increased. Now I tell him thank you but no when he offers.

Ultimately, it's a case of he's a lazy lover. If NLSC is sticking it out, she needs to be prepared to continue getting herself off prior to getting him off. It becomes routine and formulaic, but it's apparently the boat she's chosen to row.
37
@21: Umm... Considering that the husband has explicitly said "no" to PIV sex, removing any implied consent for it that might have been present in the relationship, mounting him w/o explicitly-negotiated consent would be called "rape". That is SO not an okay suggestion in this case (your situation is different, of course, because you're cool with the mounting-you-while-you're-sleeping thing).

@29: Some people feel a really strong 'need' to be 'in a relationship', and won't even consider leaving relationships in which they're miserable unless something else is lined up. That may or may not be the case here, but it's one possible answer.
38
@35: Some men (even straight men), like some women (even straight women), don't really enjoy PIV sex (in fact, some actively dislike it). The cultural construction that it is The Sex (combined with the cultural construction of normative masculinity as always wanting sex) means a lot fewer of them are willing to admit it than e.g. not liking oral, anal, etc., but it's a perfectly normal (if somewhat infrequent) variation in sexuality.
39
Agree with @22. If he's not ill, I think he's gay or he's cheating.
40
or both
41
It's true that not everyone likes PIV sex, and also that many women can't come from it, or from it without an assist. But even if it isn't the act that will get her to orgasm, it may well bring some sort of pleasure and also keep them feeling connected--unless it is actually terrible. It also seems clear that the lw misses it ("I haven't been able to get him to have intercourse with me in over four months."). So there is definitely some sort ot withholding going on, something perhaps even beyond being a selfish lover.

Yes, marriages sometimes go through dry spells, and four months isn't necessarily long enough to justify ending things that are otherwise good. For those who say the lw doesn't mention love in her letter, I refer you to this line: "our relationship has been a really happy one." But since they don't have kids, they have less reason to stay together, and less excuses for not having sex. They may be busy, and tired, and suffer from jaw pain, but kids put restrictions on spontaneity or opportunity like nothing else, not to mention adding to the levels of exhaustion in the household--and they aren't a factor here.

It hurt me to read that her husband acts "put upon" if she wants him to go down on her, that she has to ask for every pleasurable sexual experience, and that he is so reluctant to make her, his wife of ten years, happy, that she says she feels like he'd rather have a root canal than give her an orgasm. That's beyond selfish--that's aggression, or passive aggression.

But I also understand why she might not want to jump straight to divorce. She loves him for other things. They are good companions. She doesn't want to have "failed" at marriage. She is afraid of being alone. These are legitimate reasons for wanting to stay married.

#29 says that as a sex positive woman with a high libido in her 40s, she'll be in demand in the dating world. Well, let me say as a sex-positive, kinky, high-libido woman in my 40s (who's nice, smart, funny, and thoughtful, and cute, to boot) who left my marriage (I had two children, so the stakes were MUCH higher) almost 4 years ago because I was sexually unfulfilled and the sex was so unsatisfying and my husband didn't seem to care whether I was satisfied or not, that it's not necessarily a guarantee that she'll be re-partnered up in no time. I'm still looking.
42
It wouldn't have anything to do with the 60 lbs. she's gained and the resulting yeasty odor from down south.
43
@36 "Now I tell him thank you but no when he offers."

That seems like a dangerous path to be on. Soon he'll stop offering, and maybe in a couple of years you'll find no way to open that door again. Can you have a conversation (outside the bedroom) about oral?

There are a lot of techniques that might help:

Mixing up oral with his fingers/toys can make it not take as long. It might also help for you to be very aroused (through PIV or masturbation or whatever) so he is just finishing you off... (If he doesn't want to taste his own come, you could fuck with a condom, or stop before he comes and switch to cunnilingus for a while.)

Are you guys exclusively monogamous? Would it be possible to try some threesomes, so you could explore whether it's his technique that needs work or your mental headspace? (For me, cunnilingus got a lot better after I started using porn/fantasies to clear my head of my hangups.)

In any case, this conversation would be a time to say that he has to read the damn book or come join you in marital counseling to understand why not.
44
@42 "We've had discussions about whether I smell, taste, or look bad (he says no to all three);"
45
@37 Mr. Horstman,

I should point out that, as always, there is a consent query implied. I will admit this is one of MY favorite scenarios, and that in my opinion if he isn't interested, then NLSC is likely looking at Plan B.

NLSC, it just dawned on me, have you been discussing having children?

Peace.
46
NLSC provides information on her sex problem, but nothing on anything else about their relationship or lives. To assume there aren't other issues or conflicts is niave
47
Find a great counselor and go! Repeatedly! Together or separately.

This scenario sounds familiar to what happened to a couple I know.
He finally came out, and they are divorced now but are great, great friends and very supportive of one another.
48
Living in a relationship where you are continually turned down is emotionally brutal. If the problem only began four months ago, then there's hope. If it goes on for much longer, and he isn't trying to fix it, then bail. Being alone is better than being continually rejected.
49
Okay, apparently I have to say it: 30 minutes? Really. You expect someone to lick your pussy for 30 minutes? I mean, damn. Time out thirty minutes, folks. Start now.

I suppose there are plenty of guys who will now chime in "I will!", but whatever. Not me. I also would not expect my s/o to suck dick for 30 minutes, resulting in jaw pain for her thereafter. Hell, I would feel terrible for even expecting 30 minutes of dick sucking following by her downing ibuprofen and gamely saying, "Oh, it doesn't hurt *that* bad."

Sex should not be a chore. For me, 30 minutes of face in crotch=chore. Subsequent jaw pain? Well, now it is off the table.Pain and thirty minutes of my face in a crotch seems pretty unsexy.

Sorry you need that much time, but well, sorry. I am not saying his shutdown is cool, but that whole 30 minutes plus days of jaw pain suggests he is within his rights to say no to that expectation.
50
@28, I'm a man, and I'm not really interested in PIV. I can derive pleasure from it, but not so easily (with most of the women I slept with, for some reason, PIV was slightly uncomfortable, sometimes even a little painful). For this reason PIV is not high on my list of to-do things, and I usually engage in it at the woman's request (I was a bit surprised to see that the absolute majority of the women I slept with wanted PIV even if they couldn't orgasm from it, even if there were other things that made them much hornier and gave them much more sexual satisfaction; I suppose PIV either had some symbolic value to them, or then felt cozy and intimate enough to be pleasant -- so much they'd request it -- even though it wasn't their golden road to orgasm).
51
@50, for most straight couples, sex needs to produce orgasm for the man. If the woman orgasms too (or orgasms lots of times), that's wonderful. If she didn't, well, better luck next time. Maybe she was tired.

But if he didn't orgasm, something went wrong.

Even straight women who love giving blow jobs or hand jobs generally like having PIV as a reliable method to get the guy to come. Also, as you say, it's usually pleasurable for the woman, even if it's not leading directly to her orgasm.

If I may be so bold, have you done a lot of experimenting with different positions? It's hard to understand how all positions are "slightly uncomfortable, sometimes even a little painful" for you, with most of your female partners. Does the discomfort in different positions all stem from the same cause (say, pressure on one part of your anatomy)?
52
@50, 51: I have known several men who had a more difficult time coming through PIV than through other methods, but still liked it for its own sake. I've never had a partner tell me that it was uncomfortable or painful for him (though of course, that doesn't mean it wasn't, necessarily).
Even if it doesn't get me all the way to orgasm, I LOVE PIV, and would be seriously upset if it was withheld.

Also, @51 (EricaP): I agree that the paradigm you described is typical, but it is hardly universal. There's no way of knowing if that has always been the way the letter writer's and her husband's sex life has played. From the tone of her letter, I'd say not (unless you weren't talking about this letter, but about something brought up in another comment).
53
I'm with @52. I LOVE PIV. It's the reliable route to orgasm for me. @50's experience has never been part of my experience (no one's ever indicated he'd rather not have PiV sex with me). So it's coming back to a discussion of interpersonal variability and being a good sexual match with one's partner.

There's something much bigger going on than a crappy sex life for the LW and her husband. They used to have acceptable vanilla sex, and now they have no good sex with each other. And they continue to masterbate; the drive is still there. They are no longer a good fit. Work on it NOW and bail if it's not looking up for the LW. Life's too short to be rejected by one's partner.
54
@52 - I was responding to ankylosaur's curiosity about why many women-who-don't-come-from-PIV would still really want it. (Not all of them, as you say. And of course not all straight couples expect the guy to come every time -- for some fem-dom or cuckolding couples, his orgasm is actively forbidden!)
55
@21 and @37. Just curious about how many men would feel violated by waking up to foreplay and/or oral from their partner? Is that really so bad? It's like, do I need to get my man some coffee and redbull to be sure he's fully awake plus a written agreement before I can touch his dick? I always thought guys liked to wake up to find their horny partner who's ready to go. If a guy is awake enough to get hard from what you're doing, then isn't he also awake enough to consent? Is morning wood off-limits these days? Has no one else ever had groggy, early-morning sex with their half-awake intimate partner? I've never had any complaints from any boyfriends, but now I feel all dirty and bad and ashamed, like I did something wrong to wake a bf up with a bj or handy. omg. I guess I will think twice now before early-morning romps. I'll just have to keep a supply of redbulls next to the bed along with a stack of blank consent forms.
56
@53 Funky Monkey
"There's something much bigger going on than a crappy sex life for the LW and her husband."

There you have it. SLLOTD tends to bog down in sexual mechanics/communication even though the problem really isn't sex.
57
@54 EricaP
PIV has significance. For some it satisfies a deep need even when neither person orgasms.
58
@55: Regardless of what #s 21 and 37 said, I've never known a man yet who would object to being awakened that way. And if he didn't want to be ridden, half-asleep, he would most likely be able to say something along the lines of "Not now, Honey," which I hope would be respected.

@54: Not to discount your fem-dom couple or your cuckholding scenario, but I was talking about the vast majority of mainstream, vanilla couples in my response (which was mostly agreement) to you. I think the folks on this blog/comment thread tend to forget that many people are hewing to a much narrower definition of sexuality.
59
@56: Yes. Exactly. Thanks for pointing this out.
60
I have to agree with Mr. J. I love PIV, even if it doesn't bring me to orgasm. There's something about the physical act, oral and anal are like side dishes for the main course.
I do think that EricaP ( welcome back, I missed you around here) raises a good point in @51, the accepted norm is that the man climaxes every time, while the female orgasm is a bonus. I've read some interesting writing speculating on the biological purpose of the female orgasm, given that the male orgasm is inherently necessary for procreation. Our thought processes are not so very evolved, it would seem.
61
nocute@58 Yes, agreed.

catballou, thanks for the kind words! (Did you see me respond @43 to your comment about oral @36? Hope I wasn't out of line...)
62
EricaP @43, you are a smart lady.

Toys are a constant in our sex life. Thankfully, he is enlightened enough to realize that he benefits tremendously from the mechanical extras(my sister's fiance insisted that she discard all of hers, I can't figure out why he's still the fiance). I suspect that I have conditioned myself to respond more rapidly to tiny little motors, not an sensation that he is able to replicate. But no one likes to feel that their pleasure is a burden: after enough heavy exasperated aren't you there yet grumbly sighs from between my legs, my first thought when he offers is oh no, if I take too long I'll never hear the end of it.

We're monogamous in practice, explorative in theory. Threesomes are on the table, but only as a topic of conversation so far. Small steps.
63
@62 - I love my Hitachi :-) We've taken to doing things in quick rotation. Some mutual fingering, some oral, some PIV, switch positions (oh, let's grab the Hitachi - there's my first orgasm), some oral on him, some 69'ing, more oral on me, stick a finger or dildo in there, hey, grab the Hitachi again, more oral on me, fingers, Hitachi (oh, there's orgasm #2), fingers or oral bring me to orgasm #3... back to PIV or anal...

During activities focused on my pleasure, we tend to switch after a few minutes, so I don't start worrying that I'm taking too long. I like when the orgasms sneak up on me :-) ("This is fun, not headed anywhere, just fun, more fun, hey, this is fun too, whoa, omigod, here comes my orgasm...")
64
@62 Re threesomes, I highly recommend hiring an expensive sex worker (at, say, $500/hour) for your first time. No drama, no worries about hurting anyone's feelings, and the sex worker has done this enough to know how to manage different people's bodies & emotions -- and can get condoms on without the guy even knowing.
65
@63--the Hitachi with the Gonzo attachment almost makes me believe in a benevolent God.
66
@58 nocute,

In #21 I was throwing out the same premise you are: Who wouldn't want to be woken to a hot and juicy round of PIV sex. I neglected to explicitly include that, as always, consent would be obtained first before things got going. Indeed I have a few times responded in the negative, and my wife stopped at that (till later).

That led me to wonder what reasons one wouldn't want PIV sex, and discovering the male no longer wants hetero sex, or because of fear of pregnancy, were all that came to mind. But, as usual, we have to do a lot of guesswork from insufficient information from the LW.

Peace.
67
@65 I don't like the attachments because in order to do the "in/out" movement, I have to remove the Hitachi from my clit -- making the stimulation irritatingly intermittent. Am I doing it wrong?
68
@63, that's been my experience with toys and women who like them. (My wife, unfortunately, is not much into toys, but her orgasms tend to come easily and aplenty, so I can see why she sees them as unnecessary. Still, I think there's a little bit of a hang-up there; maybe someday she'll feel like trying something more discreet (no need to start with the rabbit, or a Hitachi wand; maybe a Lilly rose; or would you recommend something else, EricaP/catballou/nocutename?)

EricaP, I've tried other positions; doggy-style especially is more manageable, no pain, and almost really pleasant, but it still doesn't feel all that interesting to me. In general, depending on position and on the woman, I have the feeling that I'm either hitting something I shouldn't (touching something hard, or harsh, that feels uncomfortable), or then that I'm not hitting what I should (a feeling of 'loss', or lack of tightness). At first I thought maybe my penis had some uncommon shape, but my urologist told me long ago it was average in size and normally shaped. Maybe part of it is that I'm not circumcized, and whenever my foreskin is pulled back I experience a rather uncomfortable feeling (for some reason it reminds me of scratching a blackbord -- it's a totally different feeling, but there is some commonality that eludes me) unless I am really, really aroused. Probably the foreskin is pulled back during PIV, which, combined with the other sensations, feels uncomfortable, unless I'm next to coming, in which case it feels pleasant.

Nocutename, I like to watch PIV (it's one of my favorite kinds of porn), and I like it if a woman says she enjoys me penetrating her. I'm not against it. It just feels like a more difficult way to come than the alternatives; so most of my excitement with PIV comes exactly from the woman's reaction: if she wraps her legs around me and pulls me in, I feel quite good. But, I must say, not because of the sensations on my penis... (Oral sex, both giving and receiving, is much better to me; various kinds of frottage -- say, sliding between the woman's asscheeks -- also feel heavenly on me, and are much quicker as a means of getting to orgasm. I know at least one other guy whose taste agrees with mine, but it's true that the others I've told this to are as puzzled as you are. Maybe I am an avis rara, who knows. :-)

By the way, happy new year to y'all! :-)
69
@68, Well, doggie-style is one of my favorites (great access for the Hitachi), so that works for me. I quite like missionary for its closeness and face-to-face intimacy, but you could get much the same effect face-to-face with frottage between her thighs...Have you tried doing that until you were close to orgasm, and then having her pull you inside to come?

Re other vibrators -- I've often wished that I could get aroused with battery-power alone, so that we could have fun with wireless remote-control vibes:

http://www.stockroom.com/Remote-Control-…
http://www.stockroom.com/Remote-Control-…

Happy New Year everyone!!
70
Has anyone mentioned that some men/Presidents don't consider oral to be 'sex', and he might be telling someone else that he hasn't had 'sex' with his wife in years? I don't think this is a technique question.
71
@67--https://www.smittenkittenonline.com/vibe… is my attachment of choice. it's very good for g spot stimulation, with an area under the nose that provides direct clit stimulation. This gets involved after the first orgasm, so I'm already primed. Insert, and rock/grind against the clit, and the tip against the g spot rather than in and out, and it's a gushing good time for all parties. :)

I don't think that you can do it wrong, it's all about what's good for you.
72
@68-- For more discreet toys, I recommend anything by LELO. Rechargeable, quieter, and a bit more elegantly designed. https://www.smittenkittenonline.com/vibe… is one of my favorites, and I've heard really good things about https://www.smittenkittenonline.com/vibe… Also, keep in mind that not all toys need to buzz https://www.smittenkittenonline.com/dild…

(Sorry if it seems like I'm promoting a particular store, this is the only place I buy toys.)
73
@71-72(catballou), one of my former girlfriends was very much a fan of LELO -- especially the small ones that looked like lipstick or pens, and could be discreetly carried around for midday quickies at work. The designs are pretty and quite attractive. (Several shops sell LELO toys and others in Amsterdam -- there's quite a lively sex toy scene there.) I'm hoping to interest my wife in such toys in the future. Who knows? Maybe it will happen.

EricaP, doggy-style sort of works for me. Another similar position is when my wife is sitting on a (suitably raised) chair and I stand in front of her (she particularly likes the fact she can see everything I'm doing). And it also is not bad for me. Still, even in such cases, PIV feels to me a little bit like a chore -- it takes a (comparatively) long time for me to get over the discomfort zone and into the "I'm almost there" point at which it feels OK. If you want, for PIV I have to plan ahead, while for other things it's more like what you describe, hm, this feels good, that feels also good, oh-my-god I'm getting there. So if I'm feeling lazy I'm perfectly OK with no PIV at all.
74
Also pick up a copy of She Comes First by Ian Kerner. Even if you think your spouse is a pro at cunnilingus, there is probably still more to learn that can bring the "en route" time considerably below 30min.
75

@68: It sounds as though you may have a form of phimosis ( a condition where, in men, the foreskin cannot be fully retracted over the glans penis), which is not rare condition among uncircumcised men. I don't think much of the urologist you saw. I think you need to visit some other doctors, perhaps even a surgeon. This is an condition that might be corrected. I know that circumcision is the common treatment, but there may be some more conservative treatments. I have been with 3 uncircumcised men, one who had a similar condition, and he didn't enjoy intercourse either. With the other two, the retraction of the foreskin during intercourse only added to their pleasure, since it was an extra source of stimulation as it moved back and forth across the penis. Please see more doctors until you find one that understands your condition. Toys are fine, but you may find intercourse very enjoyable if your condition can be corrected.

76
@75, thanks for the suggestion. I hadn't heard about that, probably because the pain and/or discomfort (e.g., every time I wash or clean it) were never really enough to make me wonder if something was wrong down there. The description I've seen on Wikipedia does mention discomfort and pain; and, even though I seem to be in much less pain than they describe, the overall description suggests it would be a good idea to ask my doctor. Hey, if this turns out to be true, aphrodite, I owe you one. Thanks in advance!

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