Blogs Dec 24, 2012 at 10:54 am

Chastity Bears!

Dan Savage
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Comments

1
And where are the chastity bears for boys? Oh right, this abstinence craze in the Christian right is a steaming load of misogynistic hypocrisy masquerading as morality...
esperando on December 24, 2012 at 10:59 AM Report this
2
As a bear, I say: overweight, sure. Undersexed? Fuck no.
PoliGeek on December 24, 2012 at 11:00 AM Report this
3
Oooh, it'll go so nicely with the Pedo-bear plush!
Skye Blu on December 24, 2012 at 11:00 AM Report this
4
Abstinence....

What a Joke!
on December 24, 2012 at 11:05 AM Report this
5
Oh man!! I need to get me like 5 or 6 of those. The stuffing is going to fly...

But seriously...I have my old teddy bear to soak up tears of loneliness thankyouverymuch... Total cash grab.
ArtBasketSara on December 24, 2012 at 11:06 AM Report this
6
I would bet that your average girl could put that thing between her legs, and with just the right amount of flexing, climax.

Therefore, I wouldn't knock it for the 11-15 year old set.
Why are there cars? on December 24, 2012 at 11:07 AM Report this
7
...oh and it's probably time to write a letter... "Dear Dan, I think my boyfriend bear might be gay...."
ArtBasketSara on December 24, 2012 at 11:08 AM Report this
8
Cut the seam across the bottom, and that bear could be MY boyfriend...
this guy I know in Spokane on December 24, 2012 at 11:25 AM Report this
9
supposedly this was dreamed up by a teenage girl. I didn't know that Citizen's United also let mega-church corporations also be teenage girls.
Little Red Ryan Hood on December 24, 2012 at 11:31 AM Report this
10
It seems like an unnecessary product; don't they already make electricity-powered chastity rods for girls?
seatackled on December 24, 2012 at 11:36 AM Report this
11
And once you get married, Boyfriend Bear becomes Bitter, Jilted Stalker Bear and keeps texting you increasingly crazy messages about how your marriage won't last.
bobbyjoe on December 24, 2012 at 11:39 AM Report this
12
Wait a minute, if they pull all this effort aimed exclusively at girls what exactly are they expecting the boys to do while all the girls are super pure?
Falcor on December 24, 2012 at 11:43 AM Report this
13
@1- I'm pretty sure they realize pubescent boys would bang the girlfriend bear regularly.
dwightmoodyforgetsthings on December 24, 2012 at 11:52 AM Report this
14
@6
Let's hope those bears are washable. Otherwise, years of ... uh ... activity would leave them in slightly less than a pure and pristine condition.
Helenka (also a Canuck) on December 24, 2012 at 12:08 PM Report this
15
@1, Yup. It's all about girls staying Pure. ugh.
Ophian on December 24, 2012 at 12:10 PM Report this
16
Out here on the Tumbleweed Turnpike, my Sulley plush helps me stay chaste durn near every day.

Mmmm. Long arms.
rob! on December 24, 2012 at 12:15 PM Report this
17
Saddlebacking is still ok, right?
Urgutha Forka on December 24, 2012 at 12:29 PM Report this
18
Maybe the Magic Wand folks could team up with the Chastity Bear folks and come up with a bear girls could really find useful. Maybe put that "secret pocket" in a different location while you're at it. Better be sure that bear is washable.
SeattleKim on December 24, 2012 at 12:38 PM Report this
19
@17 - from what I hear, it's better than just OK.
this guy I know in Spokane on December 24, 2012 at 12:55 PM Report this
20
I didn't realize John led such a sheltered life. As #2 says, "undersexed"? Hell no. I never yet have met an undersexed bear. And they're very cuddly before AND after.
Calpete on December 24, 2012 at 1:12 PM Report this
21
Bears?
I think they would rather have a chastity rabbit.
MrBaker on December 24, 2012 at 1:25 PM Report this
22
and for teenage boys...Chasity Cougar! She's always there for you to keep you pure!
Cato the Younger Younger on December 24, 2012 at 2:00 PM Report this
23
@21

Puts a whole new meaning on the Velveteen Rabbit, eh? Where the rabbit was "loved" until it's seams tore, stuffing came out, and fur wore off?
Lymis on December 24, 2012 at 2:04 PM Report this
24
Maybe we should argue that god wants them to have sex. After all, isn't it god that ripens their gonads at eleven or twelve? Or is there another element of evolution they'd co-opt?
Pope Peabrain on December 24, 2012 at 2:37 PM Report this
25
Gah! Why couldn't I have learned about this sooner! Would've saved me the time I spent fretting about what to get my sisters.
Anne18 on December 24, 2012 at 2:46 PM Report this
26
Isn't this one of them gol' dang graven image things? There's a picture on the site of girls praying in a circle around the bears, that looks like a non-christian ritual for sure.
SifuMark on December 24, 2012 at 3:28 PM Report this
27
@2 How you doin?

Love me some bears. Not the chastity type though.
Corydon on December 24, 2012 at 9:11 PM Report this
28
This is inspiring! I have a sewing machine and am presently making my first Chastity Serpent. It will be just like the Serpent in the garden of Eden. It will keep you busy until you are legally married. Exterior is a 300 count sateen finish cotton with polyfil interior. Totally biblical and washable. Keep yourself pure while at the same time reaching Christian Climax. Blessings to all, and pray without ceasing.
Juan Alfredo on December 24, 2012 at 9:30 PM Report this
29
Something else to look out for when you visit a girl's place. If she has one of those things sitting in the corner, get the hell out. That's your Krazy Kristian alert.
floater on December 24, 2012 at 11:11 PM Report this
30
It's just... horrible... Unbelievably creepy !

"For girls who wait" all written in pink ? How old are the girls targeted ? 9 to 11 ? At that age, they're supposed to get married ??

John has to be a serious pervert to mix marriage, a serious adult stuff, with underage toys ! Pedobear !
sissoucat on December 24, 2012 at 11:18 PM Report this
31
@19,

Hallalujah!
Urgutha Forka on December 24, 2012 at 11:47 PM Report this
32
Remember when people used to tell boys to take up stamp collecting and radio repair rather than masturbate? That's like telling someone to make sure to get enough sleep when they're hungry. Yes, thirteen-year-old girls like teddy bears. NOT REMOTELY THE SAME THING AS BOYFRIENDS.
DRF on December 25, 2012 at 7:32 AM Report this
33
I'd like to thank the religious right for creating another generation of kinksters.
Y.F. Redux on December 25, 2012 at 9:28 AM Report this
34
Girlfriend Beaver also comes with a "special pocket".
eclexia on December 25, 2012 at 11:42 AM Report this
35
@20: John isn't saying that bears are undersexed, he's saying that CHASTITY bears are undersexed. They're chaste. Chaste bears don't have sex.
Dan Savage on December 25, 2012 at 1:17 PM Stranger Staff
36
Not going to lie- one of my stuffed animals was my first masturbation aid. So, there's that... (not a furry: it was the strategically placed and stuffed tail that did it for me, not the plush- that was actually a drawback because I couldn't wash it)
well_now on December 25, 2012 at 2:07 PM Report this
37
@1 - Just emailed them with a serious inquiry re: them making a product line for boys. Awaiting response with glee.
on December 25, 2012 at 8:05 PM Report this
38
Trying to single out individual wtfs from this sea of fuckery:

1) the founder, "Madison," says she was inspired by a book called "Poke the Box."

2) I find it disconcerting that the idea is that girls need a placeholder to "hug and cuddle" while waiting for a husband. It's been suggested upthread, but this idea might work much much better with a vibrator. If an inanimate "hug and cuddle" device will satisfy the hug-and-cuddle urge without tempting girls to go further and find real live people to hug and cuddle, wouldn't it stand to reason that a vibe could satisfy other urges without tempting girls to sin?

OR IS THE BOYFRIEND BEAR JUST A GATEWAY DRUG TO SEX
on December 26, 2012 at 9:22 AM Report this
39
Apparently during the seminar girls also write letters to their future husbands. I can only assume that this means on the wedding night, grooms get presented with a well-"loved" bear and a 12-year-old's feelings about destiny.

Judd Apatow, that comedy premise is all for you.
Marone on December 26, 2012 at 9:45 AM Report this
40
Chastity dildos will accomplish the same thing. Hell, you could even insert a special letter into the battery compartment, to always remember: Stay hot, stay tight and eventually this piece of plastic will be a yoga instructor that owns his own loft and can bend in the most wonderful ways.

That, I would buy for every 18 year old I know.
Fenrox on December 26, 2012 at 1:24 PM Report this
41
Isn't a constant reminder of how you're not getting any going to make sex first and foremost on your mind, making it more likely that you'll ultimately break your pledge? Isn't giving girls a martyr complex about doing something "that everyone else isn't doing" a recipe for disaster?
MinnySota on December 26, 2012 at 5:43 PM Report this
42
@40: Yoga instructor? That's gaaay.
venomlash on December 26, 2012 at 5:59 PM Report this
43
@30:

I'd imagine that girls in the sub-culture this is aimed at would be quite sheltered, and might like 'little girl stuff' later than girls in the general community.
James Hutchings on December 27, 2012 at 12:23 AM Report this
44
So, yeah, my first thought was a stuffed bear that's specially designed for humping:
Chastity Bear! Do you love your current stuffed animals but wish they could you back? Well, your problems are solved with Chastity Bear, the first stuffed bear specially designed to help girls of all ages remain chaste until marriage. No more trying to awkwardly position a snout or arm in *just* the right spot, only to have it dislodge after a few pelvic thrusts - this bear will stay put when gripped between the legs, and his patented Love Vibes will make remaining chaste for your future husband a pleasure. Made from a durable, machine-washable polyester cover and filled with soft, stain-and-odor-resistant polyvinyl stuffing, Chastity bear is built to last until your wedding night. Batteries sold separately.

Actually, this might be a really, really good idea. Should I be pitching it to sex toy or children's toy manufacturers? Are there children's sex toy manufacturers? Some of those costumes for bondage-themed superheroes come close.
John Horstman on December 27, 2012 at 8:52 AM Report this
45
Well, THAT was disappointing! Guess I'll ask my boyfriend for permission to jack off now.
on December 27, 2012 at 8:52 AM Report this
46
@44: Damnit, my proof-reading sucks. Sentence two of my pitch should read, "Do you love your current stuffed animals but wish they could love you back?"
John Horstman on December 27, 2012 at 8:54 AM Report this

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