How is one both hetero and "un-conflicted bisexual"? Regardless, here's hoping both you and the wife are condom Nazis in a transparent open relationship that is fair to both of you.

Where the hell does this guy work that he has sex and dildos all willynilly in his office??

Fake. C'mon people.

@ 1, I wonder if his wife pegs him?

@ 3, make your case. Why do you think this is fake?

Yeah, smells fake.

And this, ladies and gentlemen, is why I hit up the Purell dispenser twenty times a day after touching people's computers.

This letter was just ridiculous. My guess is it's a nerdy dude who gets off on big dicks and is trapped in a marriage that doesn't let him experiment with the same sex, so he spits out this Penthouse Forum meets Carl Sagan letter and is probably jacking it while reading Dan's hilarious response. Conditioner bottle? Does he let the dispensing end stick out of his quivering asshole so it can dispense heavenly scented beauty products when he nuts all over his medical textbooks?

@4: Sounds probable, but that doesn't cover the Craigslist random dude-fucking.

Point the first, splurge and buy a decent dildo. Meaning a nice seamless silicon model from a company that makes them as their primary business (not some cheap latex novelty item from a roadside porn shop or things that were not meant for ass play like conditioner bottles--for bonus points and maybe free shipping, get your wife a harness and a strap on for the holidays).
Point the second, welcome to getting older. Thirty years of erections puts you at least near & probably past the large line marked 4-0 on your lifeclock. Guess what? Being a teen/twentysomething doesn't last forever. As Dan said, after a three day binge of fucking and jacking, you're going to need a little more refractory time than you're used to. Congratulations, mortality has just made its first smack across your face (or perhaps some other body part). Learn how to pace yourself.

@6: The post has been corrected. It wasn't "hetero-married" before, it was "hetero, married".

...and we now take you back to Dick Surgeon, Dan Savage, M.D.

Or

Wiener Sleuth, P.I. - Episode 205: The Mystery of the Limp Dick

Or

Peter Pain: The Pecker who Wouldn't Grow Up

@2: My thoughts exactly.

He has a dildo (in his office!)...but needs to go out and buy a conditioner bottle? I guess if it's for home to hide activities from wife? :/

What a strangely written letter...

@18, sounds pretty fishy to me too--his monogamishness must be pretty one-sided.

Are there conditioner bottles with flared bases? If so, those are the only conditioner bottles you should ever put in your ass. You're only issued one ass in this life. Treat it with the respect it deserves.

I'm inclined to think the letter is real, mostly because of the slips he made that make me conclude that his wife doesn't know any of this. Met the craigslist guy at his office (yes that's believable, lots of offices are very private), keeps his dildo at his office, and when he wanted a larger dildo bought a bottle of conditioner (easy and impulsive, no going into scare sex toy store, no paper trail from online purchase).

@10 is also spot on, welcome to being over 40 dude.

Lastly the LW has a point about nerves. It is fairly well known in cycling (at least when it comes to distance cycling) that the wrong seat, and positioning/adjustment, can cause short term numb dick which can impact one's ability to get an erection.

If he was using a conditioner bottle to bang away at his ass, instead of a proper dildo, I can totally see a connection. Though inclined to guess the bottle being inside him wasn't the cause.

@8, I needed a laugh today and the image of the conditioner dispenser sticking out of this guy's ass almost made me spit tea on my laptop. Thank you!

I'm trying to come up with a joke involving Tinker Bell, clapping/the clap, and LW's dick, but nothing is coming up...

Right, the only part of this that sounded fake to me was the conditioner bottle. I buy conditioner frequently, and they are never small enough to get my hand around. I have a an after shower gel that is, but it's only about 5 inches tall. For a size queen, that would be a highly unusual dimension.

I'm also surprised no one has called attention to this sentence - "So then I was really worried, not least of which what to tell my wife."

Clearly, he's not being honest with her, and probably isn't wrapping properly. Ugh, it sounds like another conversation where he's going to have to introduce his wife to his monogamishness with, "um, I have an idea why you've been sick..."

What a piece of shit.

@23 Just like his dick. :D

(what? that was blatantly a set up)

@18, 19, and 24: It was exactly that "So then I was really worried, not least of which what to tell my wife." that suggests he isn't "mongamish" in the Savage Industries (TM) approved way. He's CPOS-ish.

Fake or not, it was pretty funny.

[BJ] Whatever conclusions one may draw about the LW's character, he at least gets points for specifying the composition of his marriage. Now if only straight people in opposite-sex marriages would get used to doing the same.

This just reminds me to NEVER touch anything in my boss's office.

I think he needs a job in a dildo factory.

Never mind the letter, or the advice...

I am never going to refer to my dick as Tinker Bell.

Fake fake fake fake faaaake, fake fake fake faaaaake!

@27, 28: YES.

This is what first set off the fake alarm for me:
"...me pausing now end then just to pull back and admire the equipment..."
unnecessary Penthouse Forum detail.

You're massively over thinking it. Just chill and you'll be fine.

And get a larger dildo!

DON'T STICK CONDITIONER BOTTLES UP YOUR ASS! Not unless you want a very embarrassing and uncomfortable trip to the ER.

Don't stick anything up your ass that you can't pull back out with its larger end that can't go IN your ass (that's why dildos and buttplugs are tapered.

"and to use the Savage-ism, just a little monogamish, meaning once every few years, I hook up with a guy for what I think of as safety-valve sex."

Dollars to donuts, what he means by "safety-valve sex" means he goes and gets some when he can't stand plain old hetero monogamy. In that case the Dan vocabulary term that he falls under isn't "monogamish," it's "CPOS." If he was monogamish, his wife would be informed and more or less on board with the idea, and it wouldn't have to wait until he can't stand it anymore and has to yank the "safety valve."

Barring other circumstances that make leaving impractical -- children, disabled wife, etc.; possible, but not in evidence in the letter -- he isn't in a situation where he is staying 'cause he has to but doing what he needs to keep himself sane. That also wouldn't qualify as "monogamish" (unless he has had The Talk with his wife), it would qualify as "least worst option," but there is no evidence from the letter that he qualifies for anything but CPOS.

@37 Amen. This guy is a cheater and using Dan Savage as a license to cheat. ;/

@37: Amen. One person can't be monogamish--it takes two.