Comments

1
GFAYD, the way you describe your realization is so great. And yes, please come out, and best to you!
2
Awww, it's a nice realization that your parents are human! I think my parents may have been keys-swapping swingers back in the early '70s. There were a few crazy parties we kids somehow caught wind of. And, odin love 'em, they're still happy together in *their* 70s.
3
Will the gay side of your "bi" self tell the truth and come out as the coprophage that all gays are?

What do you say, Danny? Should the lw tell the truth about her promiscuous gay father or just learn to eat poop like a good gay -- sorry, "bi"
4
Yeah... my parents are in their 70s, and have been married for over 50 years. I'm pretty sure I don't want to know how they got their freak on back in the 1960s and 1970s, but I'm not holding on to any illusion of puritan 100% monogamy. Whatever they did seems to have worked out, and they've stuck together for a half century +.
5
Coprophage is a big word for such a tiny mind !
6
I told my mother I was bisexual recently, because she said she thought I was a lesbian. I think I told her before, but she doesn't remember. Coming out as bisexual is really lame because nobody cares. Either they don't believe you, or they have some dumb misconception, or they just don't care. It seems like if you come out as gay you get to be part of a club, but if you come out as bisexual you're just more likely to be excluded by the gay club. It's not really worth the effort to be honest.
7
@6 Last,

Speaking for myself, when my daughter told us she is bi, it did make a BIG difference. Speaking/thinking as a selfish Dad: I have to protect her from homophobes* AND she can still get pregnant (I said I was selfish)...

Of course that is only part of the story, just like being bi is only part of who my daughter is. We've already gone through a first GF (and like some high school relationships, it ended badly in a juvenile way. Did I say I HATED being a teenager?), and are in a sudden uptick of studiousness. I'd like to think I was a positive in things, including providing tissues and comfort food post, and rides to their date movies during. Hey, I'm trying...

*(initially autocorrect rendered homophones)

Peace
8
@6 I actually think I've had the exact same experience with my mother, and not once. She just doesn't seem to remember.
9
what a hilarious anti-climax: screw up your nerve to come out to your ma, and she doesn’t remember--multiple times.
10
"You're not going home for Christmas?" Dan, you do know that not everyone does Christmas? Or maybe you were being ironic.
11
@7 -- gotta watch out for the by's, the buys, and the latino bees too.
Good luck w/ that -- that's quite the task ahead.
12
You know I've always felt that unless you're in a relationship with a same sex partner coming out as a bi is basically just telling all your friends and family that you're a turboslut.
13
just because someone cheated doesn't mean they are monogamish.

lots of folks cheat.

some make amends and don't do it again.

they don't try to pretend it was OK or a good thing, just a mistake that they (and their spouse) got through and that they hope won't happen again.

their is a difference between a someone who makes a mistake but tries to fix it and a sleazy cheater (like danny) who doesn't even pretend to care enough to try to be faithful and demands up front the right to commit adultery.
14
@ 10, I was surprised to learn that myself in college. Christmas is the big family holiday for my jun, but Thanksgiving seems to be the most popular time for most people.
15
@6 I'm sorry that was your experience in telling your mom about yourself. That would be a very discouraging experience.

My husband came out as bi (to me years ago at the start of our relationship, to various friends over the years, and to his family within the past year). Our relationship has been happily monogamish for years. And after telling everyone whom he wanted to know about his sexual orientation, his sense of relief was palpable and he was much happier because he didn't feel he had to hide anything about himself anymore. He was met with so much support and acceptance by everyone he told about this.

It's interesting that you mentioned not having a club. There's a social group in our city my husband is part of that is mostly comprised of people who identify as bi, pan, or queer. I hope that you are able to find the acceptance you're looking for with friends or other family or maybe a local or online social group since it doesn't seem to be forthcoming from your mom. I wish you all the best, and FWIW, I think it's wonderful that you are out. To the original LW, I wish you all the best in coming out to your family.
16
@12,

You do realize that being bi simply means not being limited to being attracted to one sex, right? There are no implications of sluttiness implied. (Not that in consenting adults slutiness is a problem). If I have sex very frequently with one partner, that still makes us both slutty doesn't it? Or is sluttiness only possible with multiple partners?

Being bi/queer isn't a choice, and being a slut before you have sex with another is a little difficult (oh wait, does being a slut mean high sex drive too?). I just find labeling a little tiring while being baseball driven sleep deprived.

Peace
17
@16 amended:

Being bi/queer/straight isn't a choice...

Peace
18
I would be somewhat happy if I found out my parents were monogamish back in the day - it might mean that they were sexually active during my lifetime which, I fear, may not have been the case. My mom has since passed away and we, thankfully, do not know what went on behind closed doors but as someone who wondered whether they experienced joy with each other during my conscious lifetime, learning a "secret" from the 70s would make me smile way more than squirm.

Special note to MiM @6: I totally identify with your dad-centric comment. No matter how progressive we are (or I am - I will speak for myself despite using "we" (I think using "we" convinces me that the paternalistic tone (well, I am the dad here) is shared by others), we still worry about our kids and their activities and, more importantly for me, about the activities of the people they will be with during their lifetime. I expect they will find their share of assholes in partners, in friends (just as they might be the asshole at times) and we will all help them (or watch them) experience juvenile break ups (even when they are adults) but the lasting consequences of homophobia, unplanned pregnancy, sexism, etc. are what puts me in the fetal position. Thankfully, my girls (still young) are kick ass. And I expect them to stand over me, extend a hand and say, "Dad . . . I have this covered. I will be all right. Stand by me or stand behind me. You just watch. You helped make me strong. And I did the rest. I'm OK and will be."
19
@16/17 wasn't @12 meant sarcastically? Like, that's what your family will think.
20
@ 12/16: But "turboslut" is a funny word, so bonus points for that.

In no small part because it brings to mind how funny a porn video looks in fast forward...
21
@19 either way, it's an opportunity for familial education. Anyone ever come out to their family & friends as a bi prude?
22
@16. Nice reply, agree. Go Sox. Best series EVAH!
23
16

slutty doesn't mean what you think it does.

you ignorant smug prick.
24
@19: sleep deprived...

@20: honestly, to me it just looks kind of painful

Sleep

Deprived

Peace
25
"beware the monogamish" -- sounds like something from Lord of the Rings. or Dr. Seuss:

beware the Monogamish, s/he comes over here,
beware the Monogamish, s/he comes over there,
beware the Monogamish, s/he comes anywhere,
beware the Monogamish, s/he comes almost everywhere,
once in a while
26
@23,

Are you from Houston? Remember where the BoSox were last year.

Merriam-Webster defines slut as a promiscuous female. I wonder where the negative words for a promiscuous male are; I like manslut, rake seems too positive.

Peace
27
@26: I've heard "slut" used for both sexes since basically forever.
28
@24 I know how that feels
29
for what its worth, i'm single and i recently came out as polyamorous to everyone on my facebook feed.. sexually, i identify as heteroflexible and in my private life i've been honest and open with the people i'm in close relationships with but i did it formally because i don't want to let other people make assumptions about me or about what kind of people those who identify as such are... xoxox
30
For those of us who don't have access to the podcasts, what's the context for this Values Voters Summit remark?
31
@7 & 18: I think you guys are imagining the scenario of a teenage daughter coming out when the vast majority of the people that Dan is talking about aren't in that situation. I think that for the most part, that the kind of teenagers who have progressive, overly gung-ho parents are coming out to their parents. It's people like me who are in a long-term relationship with a person of one gender or another who have an easy time avoiding coming out, and I guarantee a lot of us have gotten the reaction that 6 describes. I'll be honest, it's why I haven't "come out" to my mom, mostly because it seems like the first question that she'll ask is "Why did you feel you had to tell me?" She's already not homophobic and votes the right way, does it really matter if she knows that I'm bi too? If it ever came up in conversation, I wouldn't bother to hide it, but since I very rarely (aka: never) tell my mother about my fuckbuddies, it's not exactly likely to happen.
32
Attitudes like 12 are why coming out as bi is, in fact, a thing. And no, not everyone responds with vaguely nonplussed indifference.

My mother means well about it, she does. She was never going to disown me or anything, she wants me to be happy. I think I've finally got her off the idea that it means I'm obsessed with threesomes. But at first she kept stressing to me how weird and alienating she found it and how "it would be so much easier if you were just gay." And recently, "wouldn't it be easier for you to get a boy OR a girlfriend if you just stopped being open about being bi? Tell men you're straight and women you're a lesbian? Because you've got to see it's offputting."

Far worse things happen but it does hurt, especially as we're otherwise very close.

Please wait...

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