Comments

1
Oh fuck off. Lavender crème brûlée is the tits.
2
Yea, another vote for lavender crème brûlée. However the best I ever had was basil crème brûlée.
3
Lavender crème brûlée tastes like the flower-shaped mini soap bars in your grandma's bathroom. Basil crème brûlée. taste your like grandma after she uses one.
4
BI is correct that the LW in this week's column isn't really a unicorn.

Unicorns are called unicorns because although there are plenty of bi women in the world, very few bi women want to put up with the crap unicorn-hunters demand of them.

Unicorn hunters are usually looking for a long-term relationship. They expect the unicorn will want both the M and the F the same amount, and only have sex with the two of them together (even though the couple will have couple-sex without her). They expect the unicorn to give up all other sexual relationships, and expect her to move in with the couple, without any right to decorate or make any changes to the household, and without the right to keep living there if the relationship ends. They expect the unicorn to understand that she will lose both relationships and her living situation if she cannot keep both of them happy. And often they expect her to watch their children.
5
I'm a little on the shorter side, so I'd be a pony.
6
Personally, I like the name unicorn.. Not sure why the use of that word would put bi women back in the closet..
The LW sounds like he has fun..
7
@4: "Unicorn hunters are usually looking for a long-term relationship. They expect the unicorn will want both the M and the F the same amount, and only have sex with the two of them together (even though the couple will have couple-sex without her). They expect the unicorn to give up all other sexual relationships, and expect her to move in with the couple, without any right to decorate or make any changes to the household, and without the right to keep living there if the relationship ends. They expect the unicorn to understand that she will lose both relationships and her living situation if she cannot keep both of them happy. And often they expect her to watch their children."

Holy lol.
8
As the straight boyfriend of a bi girl, I object to your terminology. You make it sound like bi women will refuse to go near us because we're not virgins!
9
Sorry, BI, but your alone on that limb. I'm a bisexual man, and I have played the filling in a married couples MMF sandwich (several years ago--married now). Yeah, guys like us who aren't on the DL are rare, but so are bi girls willing to become a long-term third for a couple. The few women I've known who do it LOVE the name unicorn. Makes them feel special, magical, like rainbows will shine out their asses and their shit will draw butterflies. Who doesn't want to be a unicorn? (Unless you can be a dragon, of course.)
10
EricaP, sure sounds like a Unicorn Union is needed- those are terrible unicorning conditions.
11
That is one kick-ass essay by Martha Plimpton. Thanks for linking it.
12
@4 +1. I was a little surprised to see it glossed as simple threesome-seeking this week. Your definition has always been my understanding. And even, past "They expect the unicorn will want both the M and the F the same amount", I have regularly seen ads quoted, or whiny love letters reporting, that they want her to fall in love equally with both. While retaining this sort of junior-wife status.
13
First world problems. If the unicorn-hater really finds "no shortage of women to have threesomes with", his life must be a living hell. Cry me a fucking ocean.
14
Also, the issue is not for Bi men in LTRs with Bi women looking for a Bi woman or Bi man: it's more often Straight men with Bi women partners who both want that Bi woman third party. This guy's problem is different: finding a Bi man who wants to be the male version of a unicorn (and in the European mythology, Unicorns are male: they only will come to a female virgin. . . ). That's a very different scenario than the SM/BiF couple seeking that BiF partner, whether long-term or short term.
15
Is this the right thread to comment that "Hobby Lobby" is probably the gayest store name on the planet? I mean, surely this can't get more insipid than it already is...
16
@12
... that they want her to fall in love equally with both. While retaining this sort of junior-wife status.
My own interpretation is not that the couple is looking for a long-term relationship, but rather that the couple holds all of the strings and the third party ends up with the role of human sex toy. Is it any wonder that female unicorns are so rare???
17
That sure is an awful lot of words to bother typing just to crow about how often you have threeways.
18
Excuse me, but I have to go see a man about a horse.
19
@16 I've seen both ways, with and without "love" on the laundry list. I find the love ones especially ludicrous, because they are still basically asking for a sex toy. And sometimes, as EricaP says, also a babysitter. And yet magically, she will somehow love them. And equally! FFS.
20
I could've done without the coming in a horse imagery, but otherwise seems pretty spot-on.
21
I wish the term unicorn had been around back when I was one... I think it would have made me a lot less willing to put up with bullcrap if I'd realized how rare and magical I was.
22
@4 +1.

Sure, there are fewer bi women looking to drop into someone else's relationship for great sex than opposite-sex couples looking for them. They aren't squirrels [see comment thread for weekly column]. They aren't unicorns though — they are definitely out there. You just have to ask right and treat them right.

When opposite-sex couples envision an ongoing poly relationship with a woman who will enrich their lives without threatening what they already have or being a source of drama, they are hunting a unicorn.
23
@4 +1. Fuckin' truth.
24
I thought a unicorn was supposed to be someone who was willing to materialize, fuck you and your husband or wife, and then vanish without leaving a trace or any emotional entanglements. Wasn't that how it all started?
25
@4 - you have opened my eyes...I would have thought MF couples would be just as happy for a FWB/hookup F as MM couples are for a FWB/hookup M. I dunno...I think men do casual/friends better.

Junior wife and watch the kids...LOL indeed!
26
I think the LW assumes it's easy to find a unicorn because his partner is bi and has the skills to hit on women. A straight unicorn-hunting couple just looking to expand their horizons might be a lot more awkward and clumsy about the invitation. Just a thought.

@24, that's what I thought, I didn't think they were still unicorns once they join a poly triad. Moving in does not make you elusive and rare.
27
@4 Well said!
28
The Martha Plimpton article needs a content alert (note that I do not say "trigger warning", as I have not been traumatized by violence or violent imagery in the past so much as I'm a decent and sensitive human being who finds such imagery upsetting) for that one photo of the aftermath of a botched abortion, which I REALLY wish I could un-see.
29
AFinch @25,

I think most of them are [just as happy].

But an opposite-sex couple who has thoroughly enjoyed their FWB/hookup relationships may start hungering for more commitment. Someone just their FWB/hookup ... but more available. And without the drama. And fluid-bonded so they can ditch the condoms. And who will integrate themeselves into the family so having different houseguests doesn’t get weird for the kids.

That’s when they become unicorn-hunters.
30
NOTICE: Martha Plimpton blog article is HUGE in content, very worth the time, but be warned, there is an upsetting photo of a botched abortion victim in it. Wish you'd post the article with out the pictures, Dan. It's important and one to share with others. But like @28 I wish I could unsee that.
31
@29 - right, but that's kind of my point...they stop being casual. Not having kids, I never consider that fluid-bonding or strange visitors issue...
32
@30 - I'm glad they published it because people really do need to be reminded of the reality of what life was like before Roe. These things are just taken for granted now, and nobody at risk of pregnancy today was alive at a time when things were different.
33
AFinch — right, casual ≠ unicorn. Which is why this week’s column was missing the point.

It’s not that people don’t like casual — either opposite-sex couples or bi women — it’s that “unicorn” refers to the unattainable dream of a happy, low-maintenance sexual partner and junior wife. Which casual sex is not. Yes, I totally get that people want this, but that doesn’t mean it really exists.

So far we have:

Unicorn: woman available for an easy, seamless poly relationship that will enrich the lives of the primary opposite-sex couple with no cost or risk to them. (A fantasy.)

Squirrel: man available for casual threesomes with other men. (Ubiquitous, into nuts.)

Stud: Men available for casual encounters with opposite-sex (or female?) couples. (From hotwifing community.)

Missing are words for:
> Men available for poly relationships with couples of any description.
> Women available for casual encounters with couples of any description.
> Women available for poly relationships with same-sex couples.

Do we need those words?
34
It would be nice if we could stop stereotyping women as necessarily sexually fluid? It's an interesting fact that fluidity shows up more often in women than in men, but when you apply it to all women, it just gets really gross really quickly? ("You're not really a lesbian, you could totally be with a guy if you met the right one!"/"You say you're straight, but I really want to see you with another girl and all women are sexually fluid anyway, so you'll like it"/"Why bother coming out as bi? All women are sexually fluid, you just want attention for it.") Can we please try to kill this one dead, at least when it comes to predicting what women will do instead of just observing a general trend?
35
@4: EricaP, you forgot that the "original couple" also usually demand of their "third" to stay in the closet and claim to be the roommate/nanny, not be invited to any family occasion and watch the kids/pets/her toes all evening instead, and so on.

They're not called unicorns because bi-women are rare. They're called unicorns because unicorn hunters are looking for someone who would be willing to put up with so much shit that the only logical conclusion is that they believe in fairy tales. The second they start respecting the women they're looking for, including them in decisions, and making them a full-fledged member of the polycule, they stop being unicorn hunters and whoever they find will not be a unicorn.

It doesn't help that unicorn hunters want their partners to be completely single, and that most bi-women who would fit what they're looking for to at least some extent are already in a relationship with a man and looking for their own "third".

@34: agreed. I'm tired of guys trying to make me sleep with women because "women are never actually straight, you're not even trying". And being straight, I'm probably part of the group that gets the least discrimination from this stupid stereotype. I can only imagine it's much worse for lesbians and for bi women.

I'm also not 100% sold on that idea that female sexuality actually is more fluid. It seems to me it's just stereotyped in a different way. Men used to have same-sex experiences at a young age too, even the straight ones, until being gay became so stigmatized.
Suck one dick... no, talk about sucking on dick, and you're labeled as gay if you're a guy. I'm sure many guys would do it if they could retain their straight label or go for a "bi" one.

Women are encouraged to experiment, men are discouraged from it. Is it really surprising that women experiment more?
36
Avistew@35, lol, you are so right about them expecting her to stay in the closet.

In my experience, lots of men going through mid-life crisis are indeed fluid in their sexuality, and may identify as bi even if they mostly prefer women for long-term relationships. Looks just like the kind of experimenting women are said to do in college.
37
Avistew,

Do we have data that women experiment more? I’d say about half my male partners have had some kind of same-sex experience, usually (not always) as young teens.
38
Wow! This is a new view of unicorn for me. Awful. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised that there are ass hats out there, though.
My husband and I were lucky enough to have a marvelous Unicorn for a thrilling few months. She is brilliant, beautiful, into all the same kinks we are, equally attracted to both of us, and absolutely zero drama. We all communicated well, respected each other's needs, and had a really great run of it.
Eventually, she found a guy that she wanted to be monogamous with. My husband and I were sad to see things end, but are thrilled that she found somebody great. You know, cause we're not assholes. We're still friends, by the way, and though I do sometimes fantasize about sleeping with her, I keep that to myself, and focus in being her friend.
She was totally our unicorn, rare, lovely, magical...and we feel incredibly lucky that we got to have the experiences with her that we did.

39
@37 Honestly, I only hear it being repeated. It could be one of those things that people keep saying, but that aren't even true. I'd love to see figures about that.

I do think men tend to be more guarded in their sexuality because it seems we make it more black and white for them. It's like they're completely straight, or they're gay. It's weird. I know so many guys who won't even admit they like anal play in public, not because they're too shy (they talk about tons of other kinky stuff shamelessly), but because they're worried people will think they're gay. Even when they only like women playing with their asses.

I agree that if I only go by the men I've known really, really well (partners or very close friends) it seems a fair amount of them has had a same-sex experience of some sort, and I'm talking about the ones who identify as straight. So I don't think it's particularly rare, but I do think they broadcast it less.

And I forgot to say in my previous post, I've heard "pegasus" used for male unicorns.
40
The meanings of words change and some words fall in and out of usage, but at any given time, they have their definitions. Mr. Savage didn't decide what "unicorn" meant. He's using the word correctly. Also, BI seems to think that "unicorn" means any bi woman, and it does not. Bi or not, women who are willing to enter into third arrangements with existing couples, knowingly playing second banana to another person (as opposed to seeking someone single or trying to poach a taken person), are rarer than those who want a one-on-one.
41
Lighten up, Francis.
42
James6 @24 has it right - Dan's original use of Unicorn was "someone who was willing to materialize, fuck you and your husband or wife, and then vanish without leaving a trace or any emotional entanglements."

Perhaps the 'junior wife/concubine/house-servant-who's-willing-to-accept-this-arrangement' combo that @4 and others describe is just as mythical a creature as the Unicorn, but for the sake of clarity, she should really be given her own name. How about Golemette?
43
@42: Exactly. These are two unrelated situations, the amount of detail lavished onto the non-lifestyle "slave"... it sounds quite ridiculous to propose that reverse-Hand That Rocks The Cradle scenario is more common than a couple who is looking for a no strings attached encounter with an interested stranger.

Maybe it's a thing, maybe it's even a common thing, but whatever she's experienced is not what is broadly meant by "unicorn".
44
@25: "You have opened my eyes...I would have thought MF couples would be just as happy for a FWB/hookup F as MM couples are for a FWB/hookup M."

Nope, I guess they're too busy trying to enslave the hapless person, remove her autonomy, and put her to work as a permanent fixture in the household.

Instead of Unicorn, the definition should be "House Elf". Dobby, the closeted homemaker :(

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