Comments

1
Right on.
2
She doesn't say where she lives, but most states don't even pretend to treat fathers equally in family court. The threat to sue for custody is HOLLOW. A deadbeat has no money for a lawyer. Judges don't give children to deadbeats - they jail them for contempt for not paying support. It's also a sign of character. He doesn't equally contribute to the child's upbringing, he wasn't there. Judges don't take kids from competent parents and give them to absentee ones.

DTMFA.
3
“have you ever been a prostitute?”

My first hunch was that in his dumb dumb mind, a woman who is good at sex == whore. I.e., he's slut shaming. But yes, maybe he's looking for dirt to use against you.

A baby is not a good judge of who should be in his/her life, much less yours

LOL!

I don’t know anything about how child custody works

The longer you have him sitting around the house as a "primary caregiver", the stronger his case for custody (and child support) becomes. You might well be looking at less than 50% shared custody while at the same time having to pay him for his share of the parenting. If you're the provider of the family, child custody laws can be brutal, particularly in some states. So, find a good lawyer now who can assess your situation and help you plot your exit.

If you have any sense that this man might become physically violent

This guy sounds more like a manipulator, not a hitter. Although, if you can actually get him to hit you, your fears about losing custody and having to pay him child support will vanish.

4
Dump him and dump him fast. Get him out of your apartment/ house/ whatever and out of your life. But MM is absolutely correct that you should be aware he may take it badly and seek retribution.
5
Oh god, don't stay in a bad relationship for the sake of your kid. It's not going to have the net positive effect you think it will. Better for your child to see both parents happy and apart than together with one parent miserable and abused.
6
does he think you are/were a sex worker because of the sign? or because you can put a condom on with your mouth? because that's kind of... advanced.

either way, he sounds dumb as a bag of rocks. and he's bone idle.

DTMFA.
7
A person who abandons you during pregnancy and then shows up after the baby is born to borrow money and get sex is not a man. He's a manipulative, selfish, self-centered creep. DTMFA
8
Is the mouth-applied condom not a move commonly associated with prostitutes? I'm not saying that's accurate or reasonable, or excuses what an asshole this guy obviously is in so many ways. Just wondering how common that application method is amongst the non-prostitute ladies out there?
9
I don't give a shit if she's been a prostitute or not, she still needs to get away from this loser, and quick.
10
What the fuck? Putting a condom on with your mouth is not advanced or even much difficult. Try it. Use a hairbrush if you don't have a penis handy.
11
Nobody who was absent through the entire pregnancy and about half the child's life, who isn't providing financially now, and has never been married to the mother has a prayer of custody. It doesn't hurt that most states seem to think ovaries are what you nurture children with. His threats have no bite, and he shouldn't be threatening anything anyway.
12
"Don't Wanna Be Sued" -- I hope that you are listening very carefully.

MM is very smart and savvy. She has it nailed perfectly.

I (& everyone here I think) wish you well.
13
@8 I'm pretty sure the last person who would want to put a condom on you with their mouth is a prostitute. The whole point of STD prevention is to avoid applying your mucus membranes to a john's questionable junk.
14
I really hope she's reading because Dan and everyone in this thread are talking absolute sense. The faster you dump him, the less chance your baby will ever even remember this guy.
15
They have sex and she gives him money and he has the nerve to imply SHE'S a prostitute?
If he brings it up again she should say, "I was never paid for sex but you kinda are right now. haha"
Or, you know, just DTMFA immediately.
16
There's no way he could prove he's the father of this child unless he paid for a DNA test, and entered a case to get a court order to force the mother to submit the child for a test. Since he's broke and irresponsible, he's not going to do that. Even if he were to be proven the father, no court would award him custody, or even visitation either, considering his behavior.
17
@sarah70:There's no way he could prove he's the father of this child

You're kidding, right? The guy's name is almost certainly on the birth certificate, and she's no doubt named him as the father in countless emails, texts, and to dozens of other people.

As for "his behavior", the only thing the court will frown on is him not being there for the first year. That's a huge strike against him now, but it becomes less of an issue the longer he serves as the primary caregiver.

LW - no one here knows a thing about child custody law. Talk to an actual lawyer, and soon.
18
Don't let a guy who threatens with suing you stay in your house, or alone with your child, EVER.

He is an enemy. He hates you. He may well be the biological parent of your child, so what ? He'll manipulate your child away from you the second your child will be able to understand what he says.

Do you want to come home, in some years, to find do-nothing and your own son treat you like the piece of shit he thinks you are ? To hear your own son tell you "aww, mommy, dad says if you were on the street we could live better, I want to live better now and you're preventing me, don't you love me ?"

Dump him now, before you mess up your life and your child's for good. You'll never be anything else than his slave if you let that cockroach stay with you. And your kid will become just like him : a cockroach.
19
Definitely DTMFA.
20
@17: As for "his behavior", the only thing the court will frown on is him not being there for the first year.

He's also male and unemployed, and financially irresponsible from the sounds of it, and those are big black marks. I estimate the odds that he'd successfully sue for custody as very low. On the other hand, I have a use for financially irresponsible young men with few redeeming qualities; maybe she should give him my number and ask him how he feels about wearing a blue uniform and fighting GI Joe for world domination?

We have an excellent retirement program, full of rewards for anyone who survives enough years of service. (Good luck.)
21
Dump him. Dump him yesterday.
22
I'm surprised that no one mentioned that LW seemed to imply that she thinks condoms are the best form of birth control. In effectiveness rates, male condoms are beaten by the pill, the patch, the ring, cervical caps, the shot, the implant, and IUDs. I know the main point of this letter is DTFMA, but for future reference, if she really wants to be "as sure as possible" that she won't have another kid, she should try to get an implant or IUD.

Of course, the truly best form of birth control we currently know of is vasalgel, but the USA is so behind in making that available as we still see birth control as a woman's responsibility.
23
LW shouldn't be intimidated by this guy's legal threats. They sound ill-laid. I mean, he didn't marry you, he wasn't around when the baby was born, AND he owes you money now? (Note to the LW, if you read this: get the debt in writing. It might be handy if he did pursue a legal route; it exposes him for the user he is.)

He probably hasn't thought it out any further than gathering dirt on the LW, so he can use it as a hypothetical when they argue.

24
DWBS,

DTMFA.
25
Oh and forget about getting your money back.
26
rowing@dawn : excellent advice.

@25 That's a given.

Please wait...

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