You wrote in one of your columns awhile back: "It's amazing how well some people get along with their exes after they break up or divorce. People really seem to relax and enjoy each other once they let go of their expectations, once they're no longer trying to control each other, and once both are free to sleep with whoever they want. I sometimes wonder why people don't give that stuff a try—shitcan the expectations, stop trying to control each other, fuck whoever you want—before they get divorced."

I just broke up with my boyfriend of a year because we could never get to the same place—or even a workable place—on the poly/mono spectrum. He wanted to screw around without limits or boundaries beyond safe sex practices and I wanted to be the primary, nesting partner, to build a life with him, which, to my mind, meant that he had to let go of some of the other women in order for us to spend the time together necessary to create a strong, trusting bond. In many other ways we were super compatible, but in this way we were not. So, eventually, after a lot of pain and angst, I ended it.

I'm aware that my expectations were part of the problem. But I also believe that we get to want what we want. So my question to you is: how do you think we ("we" as in people, not "we" as in my ex and I) should go about "shitcanning our expectations," especially when they've been taught to us for maybe our whole lives? I tried for a year to let go of my expectations, trying to accept my ex's reassurances that all these other women didn't affect our relationship or his love for me, but I couldn't do it. It still hurt when I—supposedly his primary and his life partner—had to compete with other women for his time and attention, and when his dating didn't seem to give him the time to focus on building something special with me. Predictably, he called me insecure when I asked for more time and attention, which may have been true, but my requests were still legitimate, regardless of my insecurity.

In moving forward, I would like to be better about managing expectations in a relationship, even though I now know I'm more on the monogamous side of things. How does one let go of a lifetime of programming? Any advice?

Monogamish Expectations

Allow me to clarify...

You don't have to eradicate all expectations in order to have a successful relationship. We're all entitled to a few expectations, not all expectations are bad, there's no such thing as an expectation-free sex and/or life partner.

But some expectations are unreasonable/unrealistic, ME, and holding on to unreasonable/unrealistic expectations can doom otherwise loving, serviceable, settle-for-able relationships. (Remember, kids: there's no settling down without some settling for.) Take porn. I've spoken with lots of people (mostly women) who've ended relationships (mostly only straight ones) with people (mostly men) they genuinely liked—even loved—because they kept "catching" their partners looking at porn. A not insignificant number of these women have told me that they were in FWB arrangements with their exes and everything was great. Their exes hadn't stopped watching porn but porn suddenly wasn't a problem. Why? Because these women had one set expectations for partners (partners don't watch porn; I can tell my partner what to do when I'm not around) and an entirely different set of expectations for friends with benefits (FWBs can watch porn if they want to; you can't tell a FWB what to do when you're not around).

Call me crazy—and people do—but if you like your ex well enough to keep fucking him after "porn" destroys your relationship... maybe... instead of shitcanning the relationship you might want to think about shitcanning your expectations about porn instead? Maybe?

And then there are those people who have expectations that aren't really their expectations. Take monogamy. Is that something we want because we want it or is it something we want because we're expected to want it? For many people it's the latter. But many people from the latter group nevertheless make monogamous commitments they cannot keep and/or demand monogamous commitments they do not value. Why? Because "a lifetime of programming" has convinced them that monogamy is something everyone should want. We're told it's something every good and decent person should expect—of themselves and their partners—and no one likes to think of themselves as ungood or indecent.

For the record: monogamous commitments can be wonderful things. If monogamy is something a person wants and can do, ME, that person should go ahead and expect the fuck out of it. But if someone can't do it and doesn't value it... maybe that person would be happier if they shitcanned those monogamous expectations? Stop making monogamous commitments they can't keep? Stop insisting on monogamous commitments they don't value? Maybe?

Blah blah blah. Who put a nickel in me? Anyway, ME, turning to your particular circumstance/tale of woe...

I don't think you were the one in this relationship with unreasonable/unrealistic expectations. Wanting some primacy, not expecting 100% monogamous behavior from a guy who doesn't want monogamy—perfectly reasonable expectation, perfectly reasonable accommodation. Fucking around with so many other women that your girlfriend at home feels badly neglected, expecting that loving blandishments will compensate for that neglect—perfectly unreasonable behavior, perfectly unrealistic expectation.

It's your ex who needs to better manage his expectations going forward, ME, not you. He can't treat a primary partner the way he treated you and expect to have that primary partner in his life for long. But it's possible that a primary partner—any kind of longterm commitment—isn't something your ex wants and he's either pretending to want a longterm commitment or he's convinced he wants one because, as with monogamy, a longterm commitment is something we're told every good and decent person wants.

Whatever it is, ME, your ex needs to shitcan that shit.