I'm a 34-year-old erotic massage therapist/hand job artist. It's interesting, gratifying, and I always have a good story to share with friends in the know. I love it.

About six months ago I met a 78-year-old man in need of my services after grieving the loss of his wife. Despite the obvious odds, we hit it off, and I soon found myself hanging out at his place long after our sessions had ended just because I liked his company. Aside from our more vanilla shared interests, we both enjoy weed, MDMA, and kink. (He used to be a leather daddy back in his prime.) What started off as "just another day at the office" has developed into an unlikely relationship where we get high, I give him a fantastic massage (I'm trained), and then he ties me up & paddles my pussy or whatever else we feel like doing that evening. Or sometime we just go out for sushi & enjoy scandalizing other diners. We're both experienced, safe, honest and respectful, especially when it comes to sex & drugs, and I still check in with a friend during our sessions. He is the only client I "party" with.

It's fun for me because I get to "out-perv" myself while exploring a new aspect of my sexuality with someone great. And since I'm not currently dating, Dan, this kindly old gentleman is like boyfriend-lite. It's fun for him because, duh.

My question is regarding his jizz. Or lack thereof.

We've never fucked because he's never gotten hard enough to make it a physical possibility (and that might actually be where I'd draw the line), but I do love sucking his soft old dick. You can do things with a soft dick that you just can't do with a hard one and I'm totally sharpening my skills for when I start dating guys who can get hard. He says he has orgasms, and I have no reason not to believe him, but nothing ever comes out when he does. Which is not a problem. But even though he says he can't remember if he still has his prostate or not, sometimes after a particularly strong O, he'll ask, "Are you sure nothing came out? I swear I felt something that time!" Based on my experience both as a sex worker and as a woman who fucks dudes, I know sometimes a man's ejaculation is a source of pride, so sometimes I'll tell a little white lie. Which satisfies him and then we get to go back to my pussy. But one night, driving home, I started to wonder, "What if he actually jizzed in your mouth one of these days?"

I'm not a squeamish girl, but all the loads of jizz I've taken in my mouth have been from young, pipes-cleared-every-day guys. I've never had old, probably-been-in-there-a-while jizz. And now it's literally and figuratively messing with my head. Now, every time he gets close, I take it out and discretely point it the fuck away from my face, afraid that something looking like bad tapioca is gonna come out of there and that the consistency won't be the worst part. Taking into consideration our drug play and all the stimulation he's getting... is it possible for a man his age to suddenly ejaculate after years of shooting blanks? And if so, would that first one probably be super gross?

I've been reading your column for years, but this is my first time writing. (I hope you like the acronym!)

Gonna Ralph After Munching Preserved Splooge

Love the acronym, GRAMPS. Well done! As for your fuck buddy...

He's having what are known as "dry orgasms." Take it away, Mayo Clinic:

A dry orgasm can occur as a result of surgery to remove the prostate gland and surrounding lymph nodes (radical prostatectomy) or surgery to remove the bladder (cystectomy). After either of these procedures, a man will no longer produce semen. In some cases of dry orgasm, semen is produced but goes into the bladder instead of out through the penis during sexual climax. This is known as retrograde ejaculation and is most often a consequence of medical procedures, particularly some prostate surgeries. It can also be caused by certain medications and health conditions.

Your decade-heavy/boyfriend-lite spank buddy says he doesn't remember whether he still has his prostate gland, GRAMPS, but I'm not buying it. Undergoing a prostatectomy isn't an experience that would slip the mind of an older guy still sharp enough to entertain a woman 44 years his junior—particularly an older guy who can still paddle a pussy competently. Unless his urine is cloudy after he comes (easy enough to slyly check that out), I'm guessing that this guy, like millions of men his age, has had his prostate gland removed. And I'm guessing he's lying to you about it.

Why would he lie? Another guess: he knows he's never going to have a wet orgasm ever again—he knows semen producin' and spoogin' days are behind him—but the idea that you think he might blow at any moment turns him on. The thought of you looking at his dick and seeing a gun that might have a bullet in the chamber—seeing you handle his dick like it just might go off—that turns him on.

Regardless, GRAMPS, you don't need to worry that he'll suddenly fill your mouth with puddle of rotten spooge. Even if by some miracle he suddenly starts having "wet orgasms" again, your spank buddy isn't going to shoot a twenty-year-old load of "bad tapioca" into your mouth. Men don't store semen indefinitely between blows. Any semen that didn't expel the last time he stored some has long since been absorbed back into the body.