Hey! Did you guys watch the season two premiere of True Detective last night? Then let's chitty-chat about it! Hit the jump for lots of SPOILERY-SPOILERS! (And possibly mean-spirited comments about Colin Farrell's mustache.) LET'S DO THIS!

MORE AFTER THE JUMP!

Here's what I'm thinking about last night's episode, "The Western Book of the Dead."

1) Okay, so if you watched last season, how high were your expectations for this season? This high? THIS HIGH? OR WAS IT THIS HIGH?? I smartly went into the season two premiere with extremely loooooow expectations... and therefore felt like it was "pretty good." However, while I was engaged for the entire episode, I did feel like creator Nic Pizzolatto fell back on some season one tropes... which we'll go into... right now!

2) The episode starts with Colin Ferrell's mustache which was named Ray Velcoro... I'm not sure what the person underneath the mustache was named. He's a "bent" cop whose wife was raped, and is unsure if his portly son is his or not, while also being under the uneasy control of Vince Vaughn's triple eyebags who everyone calls Frank Semyon... I don't know what they call the person underneath the eyebags.

3) Frank McEyebags is a casino-running mobster trying to go straight by buying into this California supertrain that will run though the center of the state, spurring development, and making buttloads of money off the government. Unfortunately, the city manager whose helping spur the project, Caspar (the bureaucratic ghost), is missing which makes the investors extremely nervous... and it isn't helping that a reporter is writing a big expose on all the corruption in Vinci, California. So what's an eyebag to do? Get his corrupt cops to look for Caspar, and send "the mustache" to kick the crap out of the reporter. (This is why I never want to be a mob boss. Too much work!)

4) Meanwhile Rachel McAdams character is called Ani which is actually short for "Antigone." Everyone involved in naming her that should be fired and arrested. She's super mad at the world—even though she's super gorgeous—and is unreasonably furious that her sister is a web-cam sex worker, and that her hippy father refuses to get involved. YOU NEVER WANT A HIPPY FATHER TO GET INVOLVED IN ANYTHING. Anyway, she's just as damaged as Frank McEyebags and Ray "Velcro" McMustache. Hmmm... wonder if we can squeeze in any more damaged characters? OH SURE, WHY NOT?

5) Taylor Kitsch plays Paul Woodrugh—a CHiPs officer who is super sexy... though his shoulder is all scarred up in an attempt to make him seem "damaged," too. (I'm pretty sure they added moles to Rachel McAdams face for this role in order to make her seem less gorgeous. Can anyone confirm?) Anyway Officer Ponch is suspended after being accused of accepting a blowjob from Lindsay Lo... ummm... an unnamed starlet. This makes him and his penis incredibly angry, which now needs Viagra in order to work properly. (That was the most unbelievable moment in a show full of unbelievable moments.) Anyway, after getting a hummer from his beautiful girlfriend, Officer Ponch is so incensed (???) he tries to kill himself on his motorcycle (motorcyclicide?)... but discovers the dead body of Caspar the dead city manager ghost instead! (Sorry, THAT was the most unbelievable moment.)

6) There was also the really unbelievable moment of Ray "Velcro" McMustache beating the shit out of a bully's father—but at least that was enjoyable.

7) Anyway, now that Caspar the Bureaucratic Ghost has been located, these three coincidentally damaged law enforcement officers can spend the rest of the season solving the crime—and maybe learning how to love each other and themselves a bit more? Ummm... FAT CHANCE. And this is the major problem with this season so far... last season, the mopey Matthew McConaughey was offset by including his somewhat dopey but likable partner, Woody Harrelson. Here, everyone is in a goddamn competition to see who can be the most fucked in the head! There's no contrast, and if last season is any indication, there's nowhere for everyone's mood to go except DOWN.

8) HOWEVER! For now, I'm going to keep a positive attitude about this season—because god knows, someone has to, right? I still love the moody moodiness of the series, and if they don't get bogged down in details, I think the story has legs. (And who knows? Maybe Farrell's mustache, Kitsch's shoulder scar, and McAdams' fake moles will get their own spinoff series!)

9) WHAT DID YOU THINK OF WHAT HAPPENED ON TRUE DETECTIVE? Leave your theories and opinions in the comments!