Hello, True Detective fans! Did you watch last night's episode? If so, you may agree that this show is now 100 percent UNINTENTIONALLY HILARIOUS. And therefore? I LOVE IT! Check out my spoiler-filled recap after the jump, and as always, I adore your opinions as well. So let's get CHITTY-CHATTING!

I thought hanging my cutting board on my kitchen wall would save space... BUT....
  • Courtesy HBO
  • "I thought hanging my cutting board on my kitchen wall would save space... BUT...."

MORE AFTER THE JUMP!

And now, True Detective episode six, "Church in Ruins"—brought to you by MOLLY™ BREATH FRESHENER... when you want the freshness and the party to last all… night… long!

1) The first thing we learned from this episode? If someone is sitting across from you in the kitchen, with one hand on the table and another under the table? There's an 80 percent chance that person is either holding a gun, or masturbating. Neither works for me.

Koona tchuta Solo?
  • "Koona t'chuta Solo?"

1a) But don't worry, because Frankie McGoombah was hiding a gun, too! (In one of his eyebags.) Ray would've hidden his in his mustache if he hadn't been so fucking stupid and shaved it off. ANYWAY! Ray's all mad because Frank gave him the wrong rapist's name (oopsy) which forced him to kill the wrong guy, and in turn "ruined his life." But Frank's like, "I didn't force you to kill that guy! I gave you the name of the guy I thought brutally raped your wife—why would I assume you'd kill him??" Ray accepts this logic, and Frank promises to hand over the goombah who gave him the wrong information. Then the two hug it out. (Hey, is that a gun in your eyebag or are you just happy to see me?)

2) Ray then goes to visit the real rapist in prison, and threatens him with a cheese grater. The rapist is disquieted by this information, primarily because he's not a block of parmesan cheese.

3) Ray then visits with his son (and the state-required babysitter) and after agreeing not to build any more models of relics from the Bush administration, they settle on watching Friends on TV. (In particular, "The One Where Ray Maybe Tells His Son to Cut Back a Little on the Pizza.")

4) Apparently that was NOT one of the better Friends episodes, because later Ray buys a bottle of booze and a mountain of coke, and goes on a wicked bender where he dances around to rock music like my Uncle Woody at our last family reunion. (Cut it out, Woody! You're embarrassing meeeeeee!) Figuring he'd blown his chance at a clean UA, Ray calls his ex-wife and says, "Honey, I'm giving up the custody fight, just don't tell my son his real dad is a block of parmesan cheese... I mean, rapist." And she's like, "Okay!"

5) UGH! ENOUGH ABOUT RAY! Meanwhile hunky (and wicked gay) Ponchy McCHiPs discovers that the missing diamonds are part of an old-time jewel heist. I don't remember what this has to do with anything. Meanwhile Frankie tracks down Irina Ruffo, who apparently pawned off Caspere the Dead Pervert's belongings... maybe the missing hard drive? If not, I don't remember what this has to do with anything. Then Ani decides she's gonna attend one of those fancy sex parties for rich horndogs. And I'm sorry to say I don't remember what this has to do with anything either. I would blame it on my night-drinking, but I seem to be able to follow the plot of Friends just fine.

6) OH! But did you see that scene when Ani was talking to her webcam sister? For the entire convo, she's jabbing a knife into a man-shaped cutting board. (No wonder she has trouble getting dates!) When sis scolds her for not listening, Ani says, "(Stab, stab, stab) You interrupted my workout (stab, stab, stab)." That's true... on Wednesdays she does knives, and on Fridays she does Jazzercize.

7) So Ani goes to the fancy sex party dressed like my Aunt Irene (that's Woody's wife), where she's instructed to take a hit of MOLLY™ brand breath freshener... which another escort says will help the party last all... night... long! (Ohhhh, so THAT'S where they got that catch-phrase.) Anyway, Ani is such a fucking grumpy-dump she can't even enjoy Molly. (WHAT IS HER PROBLEM? If Miley Cyrus loves it, then why can't she??) She wanders around the house flashing back to being sexually assaulted by a gross hippie at her dad's commune, and is about to be forced to have sex with someone who looks like Warren Buffett when she sees... Vera the missing person she's been looking for, but who I don't really remember either! (I should really pay more attention.)

8) Meanwhile Ray and Ponchy McCHiPs are sneaking around the sex mansion, and steal a bunch of incriminating papers. They're nearly discovered by a guard, but Ray punches the dude in the face 67 times and then goes to work on his penis with a cheese grater. What is it with this guy and cheese graters?!?

9) Ani beats up Warren Buffett, but is stopped by a guard who pins her to the wall. She whips out a knife she stole from the buffet and zip, zip, zip! The guard is all like, "Waitasecond... why is my body falling off in hunks like in one of those old Daffy Duck cartoons?" and Ani escapes with Vera, Ponchy, and Ray (with his mustache driving the getaway car).

10) Ponchy looks at the paperwork he stole, and is like, "Heyyyyy... these pieces of paper have important signatures all over them!" THAT WAS THE GUY'S 1997 1040 FORMS, IDIOT. Ugggh! They are NEVER going to solve this case!!

11) Okay, so now that I've figured out that this show is unintentionally hilarious, I officially LOVE IT. I love Ani's unexplained knife and man-shaped cutting board obsession, Ray's cheese grater obsession, and Ponchy's barely sublimated man-meat obsession (which I also share). Therefore, this was a good episode. (Though not as good as the Friends episode where Ross finally kisses Rachel.) It was also the first episode to NOT feature America's most despised and depressing folk singer who would never be hired at any bar anywhere EVER. Yay! Anyway... WHAT DID YOU THINK? Continue our chitty-chat in the comments below, and I'll see you next week!

MOLLY™ brand Breath Freshener: Well, Most People Have No Problem with It.
  • Courtesy HBO
  • "MOLLY™ brand Breath Freshener: Well, Most People Have No Problem with It."