Were now 0-2.
We're now 0-2. Seattle Seahawks

I usually refrain from spending this blog space dropping hot Seahawks takes, but now that the they are 0-2, I see little other choice. The only way to analyze where we’re at after two dispiriting losses is with a series of takes. IT’S TAKE TIME.

Some of these will be scorchers, some will be cool and rational. Feel free to assemble your own version of where the Seahawks are at after two games based on your preferred temperature of take.

A lukewarm rational take on Sunday’s 27-17 Seahawks loss in Green Bay would be something like, “that sucked a lot, but it’s a good thing we got two of our hardest road games out of the way early… Now let’s clean up our tackling and ball security so we can go win 10 or 11 of the next 14 and cruise into the playoffs.”

A pretty hot take would be that the Seahawks are never going to clean up anything because Michael Bennett doesn’t know the offsides rule, and refuses to learn it as a form of civil disobedience.

Another cold take on where we’re at is that the Seahawks are now clearly not favorites to return to the Super Bowl out of the NFC on their Quasi-Sufferable Road to Redemption, but they’re no worse than second to a really good Packers team.

A toastier take would be that our defense is doomed because our linebackers think tackling the opponent is undignified, and that true sportsmen should rub their forearms gently against their opponents as if to say, “well played, governor. Quite the match of sportingball we’re engaged in at the present, now aren’t we?”

An ice-cold take might be that Aaron Rodgers is ludicrously good, and there’s never any shame in losing to him.

A very hot take is that newly Goth Russell Wilson is too busy thinking about which AFI lyrics best represent his suffering to study opposing defenses.

A boring chilly take might look at the Cowboys—who are 2-0 but are now down Tony Romo, Dez Bryant, and Jason Witten—and go, “it could be lots worse as a Seahawks fan, even if we had won the last two games.”

A very, very hot and spooky take is that Jimmy Graham is a ghost, and Seahawks GM John Schneider only traded for him because he has the gift/curse of seeing dead people.

Tepid take? “It’s good that Marcus Burley looked better than Richard Sherman at cornerback on Sunday, because Sherman will get his shit together, and Burley is clearly benefitting from a full year playing in Seattle.”

Hotter take: Marshawn Lynch needs to be benched for insisting his offensive line should just chill whenever a run play is called.

A snowy take might look at the early returns of the three best teams from last season (the Patriots, Seahawks, and Packers) and go, “relax.”

A very confusing hot take? Kam Chancellor’s holdout is a good thing, because if the Seahawks can’t handle him at his worst, they don’t deserve him to dance like nobody’s watching.

The ultimate boring cold take is that with two relatively easy home games against the Bears and the Lions coming up, with both teams potentially running out backup quarterbacks no less, that the Seahawks are totally fine.

The ultimate steaming hot take: The Seahawks are going 0-16 this year. That’s right. No wins. First overall pick in next year’s draft, to be made by a whole new coaching staff and front office because Paul Allen will have no choice but to clean house after the shambolic nightmare that is 16 straight losses.