Look on the bright side, McCarthy: At least now you wont have to blow so much money on getting tanned up for the job!
Look on the bright side, McCarthy: At least you won't have to blow so much money on getting tanned up. Vereshchagin Dmitry / shutterstock.com

Earlier today Kevin McCarthy decided that he doesn't want to take John Boehner's old job, The New York Times reports. He'll stay on as majority leader, but right now he believes that the party needs a "fresh face."

Several people seem to be shocked by this news. And surely the Republican line on this sacrifice will be something like "He's doing the right and brave and true thing," but they'll say it while they slowly sheath their daggers.

As you may remember, McCarthy fucked up pretty bad last week when he basically admitted that the onslaught of investigations and hearings about the Benghazi attacks were orchestrated by Republicans to make Hillary Clinton seem, in the words of McCarthy, "untrustable."

The reveal calls into serious question the motivations for future investigations into the attacks, which have been used to smear Hillary for a while now. One scandal down, one to go.

So, who will rise up to replace McCarthy? One apparent contender is Daniel Webster. He's a Republican from central Florida, which is really all the information you need to know about him, but I guess it helps to know that he tried and failed to unseat Boehner earlier this year, garnering only 12 votes.

Also making a bid is Jason "Check Your Sources" Chaffetz, who has admitted that he's not the best candidate to run for speaker and is known as a Darrell Issa-like blowhard on committees.

This whole thing could become a mini version of the Republican presidential race, wherein ineffectual establishment blobs are pitted against spidery and feisty members of the Freedom Caucus in a knock-down drag-out fight to determine who wants to do get the least done in government. To which I say: