Someone who doesnt matter, Bernie Sanders, Hillary Clinton, Martin The Hot One OMalley, and another guy who doesnt matter.
Jim Webb, Bernie Sanders, Hillary Clinton, Martin "The Hot One" O'Malley, and Lincoln Chafee. Official Portraits

5:28 pm: We three cocksuckers and one clitoral aficionado are your livesloggers tonight. If you're wondering who the hell all those guys are in that image above, start here: "Who the Hell Are These Weirdos Debating Hillary and Bernie Tonight?" If you want to see Bernie Sanders rolling up his sleeves, read this.

5:29 pm: Sandeep Kaushik predicts: "Martin O'Malley is going to win the day."

5:30 pm: We're at Comet Tavern! There's some sort of Bernie Sanders Viewing party going on, so expect our Bernie quotes to be studded with Woos!

5:37 pm: "In the heart of Las Vegas"? Las Vegas doesn't have a heart. Las Vegas is like if you could make buildings out of headaches.

5:38 pm: My favorite thing about the debates is how CNN introduces them like they're a prize fight. Keeps my hopes up that fisticuffs will actually break out.

5:40 pm:

5:42 pm: Well, Sheryl Crow has my vote. Does the national anthem have that much vibrato in VIRTUAL REALITY?

5:48 pm: Lincoln Chafee: "I have not had a scandal." I wouldn't buy a fucking used Honda from that dude.

5:50 pm:

5:52 pm: "I have learned how to get things done," says Martin O'Malley, while the rest of America tries to think of anything he's done.

5:58 pm: Hillary talking about "the opportunity posed by climate change to improve our economy" is slightly depressing. What about the opportunity posed by climate change to improve our climate?

5:59 pm:

5:59 pm: Yeah, okay, Patton, but Hillary just did a really good job of anticipating what Bernie was going to say. She stressed women's rights, changes to the tax codes, you know, all that stuff that Bernie didn't need to push her to the left on.

6:00 pm: Anderson Cooper asks Hillary Clinton: "Will you say anything to get elected?" When she doesn't really answer, he asks again. She says her beliefs are "rooted" in her "range" of experiences, and makes a note to herself on her lectern to have Cooper killed.

6:03 pm:

6:04 pm: I want Terry Gross to pop out for a rematch of her gay marriage fight with Hillary.

6:07 pm: Lincoln Chafee talks up his "aversion to foreign entanglements." Is that some kind of bondage kink?

6:08 pm: Er. No, Anderson Cooper, Bernie did not honeymoon in the Soviet Union. That was a joke his wife made in 2007. A joke. Come on.

6:09 pm: In reference to the fact that he's been a Republican, an Independent, and now a Democrat, Lincoln Chafee keeps saying that he's a "block of granite" when it comes to the issues, not realizing that blocks of granite can be sculpted into anything.

6:12 pm: "Bernie Sanders has a D-minus record from the NRA," says Bernie Sanders, freaking out anyone who's opposed to anyone who talks in the third person.

6:13 pm:

6:14 pm: Anderson Cooper asks Hillary about Bernie: "Is he tough enough on gun violence?" Hillary Clinton responds flatly, "No. Not at all…. It's time the whole country stood up against the NRA."

6:15 pm: Aaaaaand we're back to stigmatizing the mentally ill instead of talking about gun control. Thanks, Bernie.

6:20 pm:

6:22 pm: I love Bernie—but I gotta say: a national consensus already exists on gun control—we don't have to "develop” that consensus. It exists. We just need politicians who are willing to stand up to the fucking homicidal maniacs who run the NRA and gun fondling 2nd Amendment fetishists.

Overwhelming majorities of Americans support every sane and reasonable gun control measure backed by Barack “Gun Grabber” Obama. It’s a dodge to say you’ll lead on this issue—it’s a dodge when any politician says they’ll lead on this issue. Americans are way out in front of the political class. We don’t need our politicians to lead. We need them to get the fuck out of the way.

6:23 pm: Congratulations to Hillary for learning how to pronounce Medvedev.

6:30 pm:

6:33 pm: Hillary just smugly pointed out that O'Malley endorsed her previous campaign, prompting him to turn and give her a glare like a cat being bathed by a spider.

6:34 pm:

6:37 pm: God the only thing more boring than watching Democrats fighting with Hillary about Iraq is watching Democrats fighting with Hillary about Benghazi. WE KNOW. Can't we talk about something more fun? Like Donald Trump?

6:37 pm:

6:40 pm: Whenever Jim Webb talks he has a look on his face like he just felt something in his mouth and he's trying to figure out if it's food or a bug just flew in.

6:40 pm: What's the greatest threat our nation faces? The greatest threat our nation faces is nuclear weapons, Hillary Clinton says. No, the greatest threat is climate change, Bernie Sanders says. No, it's cyber warfare, Jim Webb says.

6:50 pm: Cannot imagine a less important thing to be talking about at a debate than Hillary's email account, but Anderson brought it up anyway. I mean literally anything is more important. The weird obelisk shape of her dress is more important. Don Lemon's purple tie matters more. I just spilled some cream cheese on my sneaker, that matters more.

6:50 pm: Asked to weigh in re: Hillary's e-mail scandals, Bernie Sanders turns to Clinton and says, "The American people are sick and tired of hearing about your damn e-mails." Then he goes on a tear: "The middle class is collapsing, we have 47 million people in poverty… The American people want to know if we're going to have a democracy or an oligarchy as a result of Citizens United." After his rousing little fit of pique, Sanders and Clinton smile at each other and shake hands to huge applause.

6:52 pm: No one in Seattle knows what Bernie Sanders's answer was to the #BlackLiveMatter question because:

6:53 pm:

7:01 pm: Hillary Clinton just said, "I represented Wall Street as the Senator of New York." That's about the worst pull quote she could ever hope for.

7:02 pm: Bernie Sanders: "In my view, Congress doesn't regulate Wall Street. Wall Street regulates Congress." The crowd goes wild. Hillary Clinton: "We have a lot of work to do. You won't get any argument from me."

7:02 pm:

7:06 pm: You know someone's going down in flames when they start complaining about the debate rules. #JimWebb

7:10 pm:

7:12 pm:

7:12 pm:

Groan:

7:22 pm: Mike Huckabee really shouldn’t talk about people—or races—that can’t be trusted with dogs. His own son tortured and killed a dog. Allegedly and stuff.

7:23 pm: They're talking about the Patriot Act. Hillary Clinton says she regrets some of the consequences of the act, namely the intrusions of NSA surveillance. Bernie initially said he'd shut down the NSA, then backtracked a little, saying he'd end the surveillance on US citizens. He then claimed that Edward Snowden played an important role in the education of the American people.

7:23 pm:

7:24 pm: Bernie's strong stance against government surveillance is nice, but I just want to point out that Lawrence Lessig is also running for president and spent most of his career advocating for better privacy and data security. CNN barred him from this debate.

7:29 pm:

7:30 pm: So far the highlight of this debate is a trailer for a new movie starring Diane Keaton.

7:40 pm: All the non-Hillary candidates are trying to prove how they're tougher on climate change than she is. O'Malley wants to have a 100% clean electric grid by 2050. Jim Webb is decidedly not tougher: he blames China and India on climate change and says we need "global solutions." Bernie frames it as a moral issue: the scientists are claiming that climate change is the greatest catastrophe we face today.

7:42 pm:

7:43 pm:

It’s supremely weird to hear Democratic candidates talking about climate change—and what we need to do about it—during a debate in Las Vegas.

Las Vegas sits in the middle of a desert and its existence depends on our profligate and wasteful energy policies. People are shipped to Las Vegas in refrigerated tubes (airplanes), they ride to big refrigerated boxes (hotels) in tiny refrigerated boxes (cabs), and the whole enterprise depends on people losing money in windowless refrigerated boxes (casinos).

I’m not advocating for abandoning Las Vegas—but only because I don’t have to. The changing climate is going to force us out of Las Vegas.

7:50 pm: Hillary's middling on weed policy. She needs more "research:"

7:51 pm: Hillary claiming that it's too soon to legalize pot is giving me a flashback to when she gave a speech about how marriage is between a man and a woman.

7:54 pm: Now they're talking about the enemy they're proudest of. Chafee says the coal lobby. O'Malley said NRA. Clinton said the pharmaceutical industry in addition to the NRA. Then JIM FUCKING WEBB SAYS: "the enemy soldier that wounded me in Vietnam," who is presumably dead now. Looked like he was trying to hold back a racial slur.

8:00 pm: