We are all in our thirties: my wife, her younger sister, and myself. My wife and I have been together for almost ten years. I deeply love my wife, the sex is great and we've never lost our connection. The thing is: I have the same feelings for her sister.
These two sisters are best friends to each other. The three of us are very close: over time we've developed a unique and intimate connection, even though we've lived far away. My wife nurtures that intimacy, she loves to see how much close her sister and I have become over the years. A couple of months ago her sister moved to town. It is like a dream. We now spend most of our time together, the three of us.
One evening my wife's sister and I went out together. We got drunk and kissed. It was not an ordinary kiss. It had all the passion and frustration of years of emotional but not physical reach. It was in that very moment that I realized she is as much in love with me as I am with her.
Now things became quite tricky.
My wife's sister got scared. Obviously she doesn't want to harm her sister. Her solution was to cut back on communication with me. She is now very distant. Everything seems normal on the outside but there is no emotional closeness anymore. Even those this is damn painful, I understand her choice and I respect her choice. But the demon torments me. It seems to me that this distance is not the only option. As absurd as it may sound to outsiders, I believe we could have an open threeway relationship. I can say with certainty about myself that my love for my wife has not been affected by my feelings for her sister. Not in the least.
If I was 100% sure that this arrangement would be a no-go for my wife, distancing myself from her sister would be a tough but straightforward solution. But I don't think this is what my wife or her sister would really want.
Questions for you: Should I just give up and live a half-fake life next to the two persons that are dearest to me until the end of my days, repressing what I feel and work on "un-loving" my wife's sister, even if I see her everyday? If not, how could I try to find out what my wife could think about all this without running the risk to hurt her or sister?
A Man In Love Everlasting
Ask yourself which scenario seems likelier:
1. Your wife has always been comfortable with how close her husband and sister are because—as she sees it—her sister is "safe," i.e. her husband's relationship with her sister doesn't threaten her marriage because decent men don't fuck their wives' sisters and loving sisters don't fuck their sisters' husbands and she's always seen you as decent and her sister as loving so... nothing to worry about, you two can be trusted together, neither of you would ever betray her, etc.
2. Your wife would so totally be into the idea of sharing you—sexually, romantically, intimately—with her sister. In fact, there's nothing your wife would enjoy more than the scent of her sister's sex funk all over her husband's cock.
I'm gonna crawl out on this large, sturdy limb, AMILE, and say scenario 1 seems far likelier. I've met plenty of M/F/F poly triads, and heard from scores of them through my column and podcast, but I can't recall a single instance of an M/Sis/Sis poly triad.
So if I were in your shoes, AMILE, I would stuff that one passionate kiss down the ol' memory hole while gracefully distancing myself from my spouse's sibling. I certainly wouldn't bet my happy, loving, stable marriage on the unlikely chance my spouse would not only be into the idea of opening up our relationship after ten years, but also into the idea of bringing her sister into it and onto my cock. (AMILE, Occam's Razor. Occam's Razor, AMILE.)
Also, AMILE, you could put yourself in your wife's shoes: How would you feel if she wanted to fuck your brother? Or enter into a poly triad with you and your dad?
But if you simply must sound the wife out on the concept of polyamory—because you never know and you know your wife better than I do and the heart wants what it wants and nothing venture, nothing gained, etc.—you could trick the wife into watching a few episodes of Polyamory: Married and Dating, AMILE. Tell her someone at work was raving about it or someone you went to college with was in it. Then you can have a general discussion about Polyamory, The Concept. If the wife says she could kinda sorta maybe see herself in a poly triad someday, AMILE, go ahead and ask her what kind of woman she could kinda sorta maybe see you two possibly dating together.
Oh, look: another large, sturdy limb: Your wife's answer to that last question is not gonna be, "Definitely a relative of mine."