Also, maybe the friend only says he's a top because he sees that as less gay than being a bottom, which he fundamentally is but can't bring himself to accept just yet. I'd say he's still a few steps away from being totally at ease with his desires.

I was thinking the same thing as @1.

For some guys, being a top is perceived as more masculine and less gay. They can tell themselves that at least they aren't a swishy bottom, they are a macho top. A newly-out insecure gay may be very tempted by this logic.

Or, he could be terrified to put something in his ass because it might hurt. So he's convinced himself he's a top.

Or, he could be afraid of AIDS(!!!) and think being a top is less risky.

In reality, if he's never done it before, he probably doesn't honestly know if he's a top, a bottom, or a little of both.

It could easily be anxiety. It could also be physical: medications can be a problem (Adderall is a bitch), or a cock ring might help. I suggest making sure the bottom is nice and loose, as well... if the bottom's too tight then a little anxiety-induced softening can quickly turn into full-on deflation when he has trouble overcoming the resistance. Basically, make sure everything is in your favor: super clean, super loose, everyone super relaxed (spend a while making out and jerking off to porn).

"Mother Bottom Theresa" and the link to Tom's -- a true Savage Love Bonanza! And much appreciated.
Thanks, Dan!

I'm going to say the same to NGF that I did to Fragile Male Egos, the woman who thought her awesomeness was causing her partners to lose their erections, back in August 2013.

The human nervous system is divided into the parasympathetic nervous system (PNS) and sympathetic nervous system (SNS), which operate independently in some functions and interact cooperatively in others. In certain cases, the two systems can operate in opposition so that one activates a physiological response and the other inhibits it. In the case of male sexual response, sexual arousal triggers PNS action that causes an increased blood flow to erectile tissue, but heightened arousal for some men also triggers the SNS to disrupt this action. It's like stepping on the accelerator and brake at the same time.

In other words, what NGF is observing isn't necessarily a sign of any deep seated psychological issues regarding his friend's sexuality, I think it's likely that he may just be really turned on.

What to do? If NGF decides that he does want to have sex with this guy, following Dan's advice that he should tell his friend that sex will happen whether or not he has an erection is a good start. NGF and his friend just need to relax, play, and have a few orgasms. Once NGF's friend is giving and getting a few orgasms, he won't be at such a peak level of sexual excitement, either then, or the next time they have sex, and as a result NGF's friend will be able to maintain his erection.

Thanks, Dan!

@ 5 - Not to contradict you, as what you say is also highly possible, but in my view, in this day and age when LGBT kids come out in their teens (and survive), a 30 year old man who is just coming to terms with his homosexuality is more likely to be the victim of his deep seated psychological issues than anything else.

I think there's this whole idea that dominants/tops can never have anxiety issues, and it's not really true.

Gotta toss my hat into the ring of telling NGF and his partner to explore at least a few other anal play sex acts before attempting anal again.

Play with it a bit before you try and penetrate it. Works for both the top and the bottom. One learns their way around the other learns to relax.

Oh and NGF you should engage in anal play with your prospective top's ass as well even if you never intend to fuck him. You'll make him a better top if he knows how ass feels when played with.

Do you know ANYONE who wasn't nervous about losing their virginity?
Particularly when this guy is older and not comfortable with his sexuality.
Good advice from everyone.

Sexuality has a lot of moving parts, especially when you're trying something new at 30. Lots can go wrong, so the odds are decent that the first couple attempted solutions won't fix a problem. That's normal; keep looking.

Stage fright. Be patient, eventually his head will stop taking him out of the moment.

what kind of 18 year old uses the word "reckon"? nice try, grandpa.

My first

WTF? My first attempt with another woman after my wife and I opened up our marriage was a disappointing failure. She was super excited, and I was super excited, but a certain body part just wouldn't respond. Incredibly frustrating.
@ #5 is likely correct in this assessment

@13: Someone from the United Kingdom, for starters.

@13: Or the South. (Thanks, Nocute.)

Maybe because they're friends.

A low dose of Viagra or Cialis can also do wonders with overcoming penis-deflating social anxiety. Once you get turned on, it's easier to keep that boner. Gives healthy 60-year olds the boner of a 35-year old. And gives healthy 30-somethings the boner of a 15 year old.

@ 20 - but don't you need a prescription for that stuff?

LW's attitude towards obliging his friend reminds me very much of myself. I was quite the same way - always the one to oblige.

Mainly, though, I just wish both these two had had a proper sex education. For gay men of this day and age to be hung up over tops and bottoms is just so sad.

Hmm. Intergenerational(-ish) sex with no mention of the Campground rule? It's still applicable, even if it's the younger dude doing the camping, as it were.

Oh, if only I could be that young and generous again...

Who am I kidding? I'd still be having sex with married professors and gloating in front of their wives. I am a horrible, horrible example for gay men.

LW maybe he isnt attracted to you. Maybe he needs to do the hard work of finding soemone thats his "type" not just his friend.

Anyone going to comment on the absurdity of asking an 18 year old to buy something that costs over $200 for a friend? No? OK then.