Ted Cruz won tonight's Republican caucuses with something like 28% of the caucusers. Trump, who was expected to win, came in second with 24%. Rubio came in third with 22%. Some establishment Republicans are cheering because, hey, three-quarters of Iowa's Republican caucus-goers caucused* against Trump! And that's true. But nearly three-quarters of Iowa's Republican caucus-goers caucused against Cruz. And way more than three-quarters caucused against Rubio. And, hey, 97% caucused against Jeb. (* You don't vote at caucuses! You caucus. Try to keep up.)

Donald Trump gave his concession speech shortly after Marco Rubio gave his victory speech. Trump said he loves everyone in Iowa, predicted wins in New Hampshire and South Carolina, and then informed the crowd he was thinking about buying a farm. Which was a poor choice of words.

And for the record: Mike Huckabee won the Republican Iowa caucuses in 2008 and Rick Santorum won in 2012. So, you know. Blah blah blah. Mike Huckabee announced that he's ending his campaign tonight. No one cares.

Over on the Dem side...

Hillary and Bernie are essentially tied at roughly/nearly 50% each, with Martin O'Malley pulling slightly less than 1% of the vote caucusing. Hillary's campaign has already declared victory, which may be premature because THIS SHIT IS TOO CLOSE TO CALL. O'Malley has already announced he's suspending his campaign... shortly after Iowa's Dems expelled it. No one cares.

Anyway, you're probably following this on Twitter. But... just in case. Democracy!