I could benefit from your sage wisdom regarding the unique situation I find myself in.

Wife and I got married super young, very religious families, yada yada. We’ve had a great marriage, but the last couple years she has struggled with depression and has acted out by being unfaithful, first via text and then physically with a couple of people. This was more of an escape from life thing, as she has never been a particularly sexual person. I understand her struggles and we’ve come to a place where I don’t expect her to be someone she is not. However, I’m still an affectionate, passionate person and at this point we’re having vanilla sex like twice a month. To complicate matters, our gay (or so I thought) best friend and her have basically fallen in love. He is living with us in a poly-ish set up. I love him, though it’s not a situation I would have chosen. I don’t necessarily identify as fully straight, and am open to exploring the three of us, but she is too sexually hung up and won’t go there.

So, I find myself with half my wife’s attention, even less sex than the less-than-satisfactory amount I was having before, and I’m just not sure what to do. I consider myself poly, but I’m almost certain that if I hooked up with someone else it would end my marriage. Wife is deeply insecure and has a jealous streak, despite me being pretty goddam motherfucking understanding and supportive about her stuff. My options as I see them: Have a discreet affair with someone I can trust, so my sexual and affection needs are met without blowing up my life; status quo and keep asking for more from her, which I may or may not get; ask her to allow me to be poly and look for another partner to connect with who can fill in the gaps in my life and hopefully add more happiness for us all, which risks her flipping out and god knows what else.

Oh yeah, did I mention we have a 15-year-old kid? Yeah, I’ve really jumped head first into shit’s creek in an attempt to save my marriage. Any advice you can offer is greatly appreciated.

Good Relationship Intentions Pave Pretty Enraging Road

Programming note: Terry accidentally set his alarm clock for 4 AM this morning. (He meant to set it for 8 AM, but his finger slipped or something.) He woke up, turned the alarm off, and went right back to sleep. Not me. I couldn't get back to sleep. So if you're wondering what my advice is like when I've had less than three hours of sleep and I'm majorly annoyed with my husband... you're about to find out. Grain of salt for most readers, shaker of salt for the LW.

The moment someone's insecurities become weaponized—the moment they become tools used to dominate and control a partner, not emotional vulnerabilities requiring understanding and compassion from a partner—is the right moment to call that someone's bluff.

Your wife, after cheating on you with multiple people, has taken a secondary partner. You've made sacrifices both emotional and sexual to accommodate her needs—you let her gay boyfriend move into your home—and now it's her turn: She's gonna get a grip on her jealousy and her insecurities, with the help of a professional, because you're going to start dating other people too.

Period.

And to be clear: You're not gonna wait until after she gets a grip on her jealousy and insecurities to start dating other people, GRIPPER, as that creates an incentive to never get a grip. You're gonna start dating other people now. As a concession to her jealousy, her insecurities, and her hypocrisy, promise her you'll be discreet for the time being. But you're not seeking her permission, nor are you waiting for her permission, to get out there, to get poly, and to get your needs met.

And if that blows up your marriage—if it ends your marriage—so be it. You don't want to spend the rest of your life married to a selfish, hypocritical manipulator. I'm sorry there's a kid involved, of course, but parents aren't hostages, GRIPPER, and husbands aren't either.

Good luck.