Columns Feb 26, 2009 at 4:00 am

Control Tower

Hurt the Ones You Love

Mistress Matisse
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Comments

1
Oooh ouch!
on February 25, 2009 at 12:31 PM Report this
2
Wow I really liked that column. I think that's a first.. keep it up!!
on February 25, 2009 at 12:45 PM Report this
3
These column have two categories: gross or boring.
Hey, at least this one's not boring!

Loving the random bold text, though. ADD much?
on February 25, 2009 at 1:04 PM Report this
4
I think the column was lovely(pun intended) and very eloquently put into words what can be a difficult concept to explain to others.

Well done.

And @Van Sustern no one is forcing you to read this column if you truly find it so consistently disturbing...and the bolding choices in the Stranger are usually inflicted by the editor not the columnist.
on February 25, 2009 at 3:06 PM Report this
5
i very much relate to this article. i recently ended all contact with my play partner because while topping him i fell in love with him. it wasn't being reciprocated, and it was putting too much emotional stress on me. the saddest part about it was that he was my best friend. while i enjoyed this article, i wish you could offer up some reasonable solutions for this slippery slope.
on February 25, 2009 at 3:11 PM Report this
6
I've got to say, I was thinking of dropping this column from my weekly reading after all the "my poly life is great" and phone quotes.

This was a beautiful essay. Excellent work.
on February 25, 2009 at 3:19 PM Report this
7
I love the phone quotes!
on February 25, 2009 at 7:24 PM Report this
8
Good god.

Awesome.

I want more columns like this!
on February 26, 2009 at 1:17 AM Report this
9
I feel this way too. Thanks for the article.
Goose
on February 26, 2009 at 5:34 AM Report this
10
"... being sadistic to someone in a BDSM scene often creates feelings in me I can only call love ..."

I always love the women who really hurt me, professional or otherwise. That's part of what makes BDSM fun for me!
on February 26, 2009 at 7:38 AM Report this
11
I have heard that sticks and stones can break your bones....

here's a promise you may appreciate... I don't support the rape of the mind with words.

Unless of course one pays for it and recieves it in the personal privacy of one on one in whisper mode...

hows that for a soft pillow for my big fat head?

...and of course by that I mean no helicopters outside your dungeon suite.
on February 26, 2009 at 10:53 AM Report this
12
I have heard that sticks and stones can break your bones....

here's a promise you may appreciate... I don't support the rape of the mind with words.

Unless of course one pays for it and recieves it in the personal privacy of one on one in whisper mode...

hows that for a soft pillow for my big fat head?

...and of course by that I mean no helicopters outside your dungeon suite.
on February 26, 2009 at 10:53 AM Report this
13
First interesting column by Matisse in a LONG time. She must actually read the comments.
on February 26, 2009 at 10:54 AM Report this
14
It's simultaneously amusing and disturbing to read some of these comments. People who don't like what Matisse provides should simply go elsewhere and stop, well, WHINING about it. The rest of us will read on with pleasure and await her next column eagerly.
on February 26, 2009 at 2:28 PM Report this
15
If I had to choose the personality that personified "Soulless & Materialistic" it would be the sadist. The Soulless & Materialistic economy that produced the S&M culture of the last 20 years (the one that glorifies exhibitionists, "red-carpet" culture, and has elevated bartenders and DJs to celebrity status) just went down the toilet. What's going with it?
on February 26, 2009 at 3:11 PM Report this
16
Moving. Powerful. Real.
I like the "stupid questions people ask a pro-domme" columns, too.
But this column was really hot!
on February 27, 2009 at 9:47 AM Report this
17
I love the column nearly every posting, but this one especially connected with me. I believe that's exactly the response my husband has when we engage in BDSM (during which he is nearly always the dom). I know it's a reaction I get, and I don't believe I could react that way with another person.
on February 27, 2009 at 10:15 AM Report this
18
Great column... really. Speechless.
on February 27, 2009 at 5:16 PM Report this
19
I really liked this one. What you wrote certainly all resonates as true with me, but what really got my attention was your observation about "love."

As a bottom, I have felt that way too. I was surprised the first time I blurted out to a top "I love you" through my tears. It is a deep and genuine feeling that just spills out, and to me a sign that what I'm doing is meaningful on multiple levels.

It's more than a thrill - maybe "spiritual" is okay to say. I've asked others about "I love you" moments, but I think this is the first time some one else said it happens to them too. It was very cool to read your column and find that this week.
on February 28, 2009 at 12:57 AM Report this
20
@James Early, S&M culture has been around for a lot longer than 20 years. Try 100's. What may be different is the gay rights movement since Stonewall and the advent of the internet in the last 10-20 years that has allowed people to learn about what bdsm really is, and isn't, and to connect with longings and fantasies they'd otherwise have had to hide forever. I had kinky fantasies when I was five, and that was 50 years ago.

Without the internet, I'd still be suffering with unfulfilled needs. The apparent rise of bdsm has nothing to do with our materialistic culture. It has to do with people finding the courage to be who they are and to find out who they are. I don't know where you got your notion, but it's misinformed.
on February 28, 2009 at 1:08 AM Report this
21
Great entry! I once stapled a man and I would love to do it again. Maybe if he travels back to my area of the world...

on March 1, 2009 at 7:05 PM Report this
22
My only reference was to "Soulless & Materialistic", S&M, not the ages old practices of sadist's and their willing partners.
on March 2, 2009 at 9:10 AM Report this
23
Really well put. I experience the same thing, both as a bottom as well as in the context of vanilla sex.

I blame it all on oxytocin.
on March 3, 2009 at 9:00 PM Report this
24
Yeah. I usually don't read this column.
I have to agree that this is a great article though. I am currently involved in the most intense/insane sexual relationship I have ever been in. It's purely sexual, but it gets so intense that it's been really hard for me to sort my feelings out.
This helped me understand where my partner must be coming from, and it also helped me understand why it feels so good to be hurt.
He REALLY DOES love me WHILE he's with me, and occasionally when he's not. He loves the girl he's with tonight, too.
on March 4, 2009 at 2:30 AM Report this
25
Wow. That was really enlightening. Still not for me, but I think I sort of get it now. I like a little slap and tickle as much as the next girl, but have never understood people who actually get off on things like stapling nipples. To each his own, I guess- When you have two consenting adults, who's to judge?
on March 4, 2009 at 9:39 AM Report this
26
"being sadistic to someone in a BDSM scene often creates feelings in me I can only call love"

I was thinking the same thing the other day! Topping often induces an oxytocin-based state of euphoric closeness for me. I walk away from the best scenes feeling deep love for the bottom, even if I've just met him.
on March 8, 2009 at 3:34 AM Report this
27
My husband is a SADIST. But it's not physical. If he so-call "loves" you then he is extremely degrading, cruel and emotionally abusive. It's emotionally debiliating. He doesn't see it. Then, he is very complimentary, very accomadating. So, he goes thru this "value-ing" then "de-value-ing" thing. So, it throws you off for a while. When he is nice he is really nice, and when he is mean he is cruel. He definitely has a few personality disorders. With strangers he is always nice as well as people who are his "sworn enemies" - he kisses "A" with them I guess believing they will one day "like him". He also tells enemies and strangers all of his business, with them he is an open book! They always use the information or just "stab" him in the back again, but it doesn't phase him, and soon he even forgets what they've done to him and has to be reminded. But with those he so-call "loves", he remembers every negative event and doesn't trust the people closes to him. It's so weird. Do you know what this is? My research says he is a sadist and has a "histronic" personality disorder...they see "closeness" where there is none...as in the case with strangers or people he has known a relatively short time. He once took this medication for about 30 days and he was so NORMAL. He said he could tell that the "chemicals" in his brain were coming together. I have got to get him back onto that medication - it's costly but it's really his only hope...and certainly ours. I'm emotionally wrought and the constant negativity is too much.
DonnaDuck on June 7, 2009 at 4:10 PM Report this
28
I have to admit I've read this post about 10 times. I love it. Your passion and emotions are so strong.

Wonderful.

Love the blog. Keep writing more, please. :-)
on July 17, 2009 at 5:15 AM Report this

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