Columns Mar 25, 2010 at 4:00 am

The Other Woman

Comments

2
Mom? Is that you?
3
At least she takes some of the blame. Don't do it again you silly slut!
4
Oh look, there's a big out of control truck flying full speed down the hiway. I think I'll stand here in the middle of the lane and hope it doesn't hurt me. If it does, I'll whine and blame the truck for letting me stand in front of it.
6
What was this person thinking would happen? That he would leave his wife for her? Get it through your thick skulls, women of the world: A married man may think you're great, the two of you might have lots in common, blah, blah, blah, but in the end it's just sex and conversation. He is NOT leaving his wife for you or anybody. Your relationship with him is finite. If you can't deal with that, don't fuck him. You'll only have yourself to blame when he stops calling.
7
Why do I want to see 'Brains&Beauty:women seeking men' humping that dog?
8
Writer:

Sometimes people do shit that they never thought they could, and then wonder how the hell they ever became that person--just ask my wife. But don't worry, you're the same good person you always were, now just a little smarter. At least you weren't the married one, as that's even harder to accept of yourself--just ask my wife.
9
Catholics.
10
Wait, you mean a man can separate sex and emotion? Well I'll be damned.
11
Would a half quart of Häagen-Dazs White Chocolate Raspberry Truffle make you feel better?
12
So, uhm, what's your number?
13
@5: Dad, you're drunk again.
14
I think #5 above needs a hug.
15
yawn
16
gillettebret used to be kind of funny, even if caustic. Now it appears he's off his meds.
17
Take it easy. You fucked up, now you're done with it. As for him, he probably really does have an empty black hole inside him, and it probably hurts like a sonofabitch.
Karma's right here where we live, baby,
18
UGH.....i feel stupider for reading this.
and i'm pretty stupid already. and yet somehow this I,ANON writer makes me look like einstein. please don't have children.
19
Heh. Women dwell, men just think of the swell.

She: I was sooo drunk that I didn't know what I was doing.

He: Hey....ahh...beautiful, I need to go to an early meeting. Can I call you a cab home?
20
Why do you assume that sex for him was a "meaningless act with zero value"?
Can't you see this guy risked his family for the "wonderful gift of sex" with you? I bet he would have given up a lot more for the wonderful gift.

Sex is so valuable that most men will do lots of crazy shit to get it. It sounds like your mad because he wasn't interested in you in "any real way". Translated that means he didn't wan't an emotional relationship with you. He just valued the sex, right?

I don't understand what your whining about. Did you want him to leave his family? Why can't you see that sex is a valuable thing. It was a wonderful gift that you gave him. Why complain now? When I give a gift I don't expect anything in return. Maybe a little gratitude. If you only give something to get something in return you need just check your attitude and start charging for it upfront.
21
@5

Geez, man, lighten up. You write like you don't deserve to listen to Johnny Cash, let alone use him as an avatar.

So she made a mistake. Yep, I have to. Had sex w/ the wrong person? Check. Felt ashamed at some of my decisions? Check. Made the same mistake after I swore I'd never do that again? Yep, done that to. It's because I'm human. And while I didn't write to IA, I can understand a cathartic act as well as the next schlub.

But I won't be pointing my hellfire-damnation finger at anyone else. I'll leave that to the true fuck-ups.
23
I'm always surprised that the people involved in these kinds of situations are surprised at the outcome.
24
@5 Uh... wow. Issues much?

Seriously though, Anonymous - chalk this up to a learning experience and don't sleep with a married man again, no matter how little he says his wife understands him. She probably understands plenty.
25
I've met a man who left his wife...for me. She had been sleeping in a seperate room for the last 8 years, he had been living in a seperate country for two(Ireland/England), visiting kids on weekends. He felt that unless he had a compelling reason to upset the arrangement (i.e. new love) there was no reason to rock the boat. Well, we met, fell in love, and he did leave her. He still fully supports her and the kids (she doesn't work) but, obviously, is with me. I've met his family, friends and coworkers. We travel together, live together, pay bills together. We're together and have been for several years.

He got therapy for the his issues that played a role in the dissoluton of their relationship, takes care of his responsibilities and is generally a good guy. He just couldn't justify upsetting his kids with an official divorce until he met someone he loved.

So, no one is stupid for believing that someone loves them and is telling the truth - marriage is over, ect. BUT the key is, actions must = words. If he says he is going to leave her, then he has to leave her, not give you a bunch of excuses. If he says you are going to be together, than he should do the things that mean you are together - meet family, create shared history, make committment.

So don't feel stupid. You'll never find love if you don't trust the person you are with to a reasonable degree.

Not all "other women" are homewreckers - some wives/husbands wreck their own homes just fine by themselves. I'm not saying that there are lots of cases of the innocent and unknowing spouse but that's not always the case.
26
This may be a long shot, but is it really that hard to stay away from married men? Really? If he is in an unhappy marriage (so he says) then he's got bigger fish to fry than getting some new pussy on the side. And you giving it up to him is not a solution.
This isn't rocket science, folks.
27
17, "As for him, he probably really does have an empty black hole inside him,..."

I know guys like that. He more likely just has fond memories of some sex with some gal--not the first, not the last. His kids make him happy, his job is fine, and his buddies still have cold beer for him, even if he does cheat on his wife. These guys actually tend to be happier than most people, in my experience.

Seriously.
28
@28:

Nooooo! People who do bad things can't be/shouldn't be happy.
30
Anonymous, you must be one of the many that fucked my husband thinking he would leave me. I wish he would, but now I can't get rid of him because he's flat broke.
You can have him - everyone else has. Email me and I'll arrange to drop him off at your place.
31
@22-And what do you call the married men who fuck other women, or the men who fuck married women, hmm?

Oh, right. The woman is always at fault, isn't she? You're a maladjusted ass.
32
Anonymous, would you feel the same amount of shame if he hadn't dumped you?
33
Are you saying now that you're gone, there is an empty black hole left inside of me? Sounds like I left one in you...or was that all the other married men you stalked?! OH and try douching you obsessive skank-a-holic!
34
um, you did it to yourself you idiot.. grow up.
35
nowhere does the letter imply the man deceived her to get her in this situation; it sounds like he was just less than forthcoming. There is nothing wrong with treating sex as meaningless. The only fault is not giving your partner the respect of telling them that.

You lost me at "my values." You sound judgmental and weak-willed. Are you http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ted_Haggard ?
36
Love may fail, but courtesy will prevail.

Kurt Vonnegut, Breakfast of Champions
37
"Not all "other women" are homewreckers"
Thank you for that #25.

Why do people keep insisting no one leaves their marriage for a new relationship? Happens a lot.

I think most people would agree it's not right to be unfaithful. If you tell your spouse you are monogomous, you should be monogomous.

What about if you meet someone who appears to be a much better match than your spouse? Let happiness pass you by or leave a marriage for a unexplored possibility? I find it hard to believe that all the haters posting truly believe in staying in a marriage no matter what.
38
My pompous prick, lame, skew dick husband made a whore of me. Now he can't stand to look @ his own creation.
39
oh jeez, relax. You had sex with a dumb fucker. Guess what, YOU have the better deal. How would you like to be married to him and have your life wrapped around him?

Guess what, that man didn't turn you into a filthy whore, it was your insecurity and your fucking woe is me that is making you a whore. Big deal! You fucked a married man. Forget about it, move on. YOUR FREE. They are not.

consider yourself very very lucky. Now relax.
41
Let's face it, if the married guy hadn't dumped her, she wouldn't be writing this. She'd be sneaking & sleazing around still, somehow managing her feelings of 'shame', as long as she was enjoying herself. Since it didn't work out the way she wanted it to, she caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror of reality. She ought to thank him.
42
You're kidding, right? You sincerely want sympathy for sleeping with a married man? You were surprised when he tossed you over for...his wife? The next cookie to come along?

You are a dime a dozen. There are a LOT of stupid little girls that willingly boink men that are married. It's ORDINARY. Most of them sound like you do, too.

"Oh boo hoo! I couldn't HELP myself! HE hypnotized me into believing that he'd leave his wife, even though guys like that NEVER do! He would have been faithful to ME!"

Cry me a river sister. And keep your pants on when you meet some guy for at LEAST the 15 minutes it takes to look for a ring on his finger. Yeesh.
43
Yup been there once and I still feel like shit about my actions and for being such an idiot. I also have the pleasure of still having to deal with him every day as we work together. The perfect punishment for doing what I did. Learn your lesson from this stupid mistake. I sure learned mine. You did it to yourself just as I did. Accept it, stop blaming the asshole and stay away from married men.
44
She is not the homewrecker... HE is.
She's not the married one. How can you wreck a marriage you're not in?

As to how he feels... listen honey, be prepared for the day he shows up at your door again. Cause it's more likely than not to happen. #27 is right - there are a LOT of guys who make this a lifestyle - live a double life to keep the stifling monotony of suburbia at bay without blowing up the family. If he had a good time with you he'll most likely try again. Take it from me - when he shows up DO NOT OPEN THE DOOR - LOCK it. Don't take his calls. And if he gets too persistent file an order of protection. (Wish I'd done it a long time ago.)
45
Is this a follow-up from 'Thanks for ruing a good man" I,ANON? Sounds like she boned the good man and realized his wife was a dream and passion sucking bitch. Her fucking soul sucking vortex create the black void he trying to fill with your poon. And you didn't deliver.
46
Wow, i can't believe the venom and hate in most of these commenters posts. I could understand if she was a serial marriage wrecker. But it doesn't sound like it... sounds like she really thought he loved her.

Just remember that it takes two to tango. The LW should stop kicking herself, learn from it, and move on.
47
@ #25... very wise words, indeed.
48
#47: Because accusing someone of intentionally misleading her when he's fucking MARRIED has a bit of the "pull the other one, it's got bells on" to it.

Gee, these grapes sure are sour.
49
@47...thanks!

The other thing is, lots of guys don't tell women they are married and they don't wear a ring. There are no obvious signs. And if he isn't a friend of a friend or something, there is very little chance you are going to find out.

Another thing: the term homewrecker is a bit sexist- why is it that only women are homewreckers? Uh, the guy was the one cheating on his spouse. What was he? An innocent victim? That's what the word implies; that the innocent man was led astray by a dirty slut bent on destroying an otherwise peaceful and happy home.

People who cheat should be held accountable. Its not okay to cheat, but there are definitely shades of gray in all of this and many times when people are really just doing the best they can in a tough situation.
50
@49, you are correct pretty much across the board in your comment...
I was not innocent, neither was my wife or the other woman. I am not a serial cheater, and I believed what I said to the other woman. As unfair as it may be, my cheating opened up long closed lines of communication in my marriage, and we have repaired it. Yes there are outstanding issues that my cheating caused, but we will make it through. The other woman may perceive that she was not treated fairly, but that was never the intent. We are all dealing with the shades of gray and the results of our actions. It isn't fun, but that is real life.
51
@37, 25's situation is extremely unusual and most affairs don't involve men in that sort of situation.

Yes, occasionally people leave their spouse for someone else, but statistically those relationships are less likely to last. Plus, there are some people (esp. women) who make a habit of divorcing one husband, marrying another, leaving him for another, rinse and repeat. Why? Because these people don't understand that the feeling of "falling in love" is NOT MEANT TO LAST. It is biologically impossible for it to last more than 3 years, and that's as it should be. How well could we function if we all felt butterflies in the stomach and couldn't eat every time we saw our spouse? Real love means getting over that temporary phase, facing reality, and still wanting to be with that person because of who they are. Most people who discard their spouse for another think just because they feel butterflies they met "the one". It is pure fantasy.
52
@ 23 El Brucio, Well said.
53
@44 is absolutely right. OK, so she made a mistake. Good for her for owning up to it. Yes, she has some responsibility too. But her mistake is small compared to his. HE's the one who's married. HE's the one with the responsibility not to cheat on his wife. She deserves a parking ticket. HE deserves a public flogging -- by his wife.
54
God is not real.

He's made up for desperate losers like yourself and this guy.

Get a grip.

Please wait...

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