I, Anonymous

Comments

Dear Anonymous,
DTMFA

Urgutha Forka on March 30, 2011 at 11:08 AM

I second Urgutha Forka, DTMFA!!

pistolkitten on March 30, 2011 at 11:16 AM

Not necessarily DTMFA. Unless there's something we're not being told, there's a good chance that Anon's partner really just needs to smarten up and realize that this woman is not worth throwing away a life partner for. People who are tempted to leave their long-term SO for someone new and shiny often do come to this realization. This is one of the more sane-sounding I, Anons I can remember.

on March 30, 2011 at 11:58 AM

It's over. DTMFA.

turtlemilk on March 30, 2011 at 12:02 PM

Cut your losses. It's much better to be the dumper.

Mary Mary Why You Buggin on March 30, 2011 at 1:26 PM

I sympathize with your situation - it's terrible - but I don't think you "not letting" it happen will keep it from happening. It sounds as if his mind is made up, so either he will remain with you or leave you, but either way, he'll be with her. If you aren't ok with him being with her, DTMFA.

on March 30, 2011 at 2:31 PM

Smells like a mid-life crisis. He doesn't even want the fantasy of her now; he wants to go back in time and be twenty again, and the twenty-year-old version of him was with her.

Tell him to get his ass into therapy.

I Hate Screen Names on March 30, 2011 at 2:40 PM

That is awesome that someone quoted an entire Michael McDonald song in response.

Doobie Sister on March 30, 2011 at 3:58 PM

I'll add that "It hurts too much" is the lamest fucking excuse I've ever heard. Man up and take your medicine.

I Hate Screen Names on March 30, 2011 at 4:42 PM

Put me in the "DTMFA" column.

It wasn't cool when Kelsey Grammer did this...and it's not cool this time either.

You...deserve...better...

AlaskanbutnotSeanParnell on March 30, 2011 at 5:28 PM

Cartoon should have the dude only in his underwear with his hairy fucking back.

Free Busch On Tuesday on March 30, 2011 at 6:16 PM

cut your losses. move out. slam the door on the way out.

freesandbags on March 30, 2011 at 6:34 PM

I understand with a relationship that long there is a certain amount of patience involved. It sounds like he's gone, however. Let him go live his adolescent fantasy.

Remember, the best revenge is living well. I hope the last scene from Swingers happens for you.

Hybrid Vigor on March 30, 2011 at 7:28 PM

Dear Anon,

Put me firmly in the DTMFA column...also, find yourself a good lawyer and clean him out. 20 years of wiping his baby-man ass means you're entitled to alimony (and probably child support).

Y.F. Redux on March 30, 2011 at 7:41 PM

Oh, and once you do clean him out, Anon, I have a feeling The One Who Got Away will get gone again for greener, more gullible pastures.

Y.F. Redux on March 30, 2011 at 7:43 PM

I don't think the stripper cares one way or the other so long as he's picking up her bills for her, so only two lives are being ruined here.

IFHTP on March 30, 2011 at 8:00 PM

Other question...do you really know for sure that he's actually even TALKED to "the one who got away"?

Most of us would should "DTMFA" even louder if it turned out he was just stalking her.

AlaskanbutnotSeanParnell on March 30, 2011 at 8:37 PM

The "one who got away" means the one he was always wishing he was with the last 20 years. He's trying to tell you he doesn't love you, but doesn't want you falling apart. Get over it and get rid of him. He may be holding on to a fantasy, but so are you.

jussmbdy on March 30, 2011 at 9:56 PM

Kick his ass out of the house...NOW!

AlaskanbutnotSeanParnell on March 30, 2011 at 11:06 PM

d.....

t.....

m....

f......

A!!!!!

Dr Gonzo on March 30, 2011 at 11:50 PM

Why is this anonymous?

Unregistered User on March 31, 2011 at 12:46 AM

#23

This, from someone who posts as "Unregistered User"?

AlaskanbutnotSeanParnell on March 31, 2011 at 1:26 AM

Irony aside, 23 has a point. This is not anonomous. It's just a public "fuck you" looking for anonomous support. Dtmfa... But also suck it up, make some friends and find a new codependent relationship. Preferably wth somone else who wants to bitch about their ex too.

Rainboibrite on March 31, 2011 at 7:46 AM

I can see why this would be anonymous.

If they are married, it could be very embarrassing for her to admit that her husband is doing this.

If they have kids, can you imagine them reading something like this if her name were attached?

on March 31, 2011 at 9:08 AM

Me too- DTMFA! A no brainer.

Jamie in Pittsburgh on March 31, 2011 at 1:38 PM

I WILL NOT BE IGNORED DAN!

CryingDawg on March 31, 2011 at 2:03 PM

I will not be ignored Dan!

CryingDawg on March 31, 2011 at 2:07 PM

What a selfish fucking asshole! To bad this shit is happening after 20 years and it sounds like a kid is involved. Oh well kick him the fuck down the road. Keep your pain to a minimum.

AverageJoe on March 31, 2011 at 2:17 PM

@31/32

Wow, yes, don't go with the hipsters, it's not like they give good non-psychopathic advice. Feed your husband's new old fire a plate of feces, that will endear him to you and make you not look like a fucking psycho...

"Then tell the bitch to GTFO and never come back. Guaranteed you will become his object of affection once again."

Do you subscribe to your own fucking insanity world?

You're an idiot.

Free Busch On Tuesday on March 31, 2011 at 6:17 PM

Make the illustrations bigger on the site! They are good.

Slippers on March 31, 2011 at 6:20 PM

Ugh. Except for #34.

ron_in_PDX on March 31, 2011 at 6:27 PM

@31: ALL CAPS, liberal use of exclamation points, and claiming that if she "take[s] a HUGE DUMP on a dinner plate," she is "[g]uaranteed [to] become his object of affection once again"? You really are hitting all the "crazy sauce" points, aren't cha?

Commitment to a relationship requires that there be a relationship in the first place. If he's flagrantly ignoring her feelings to pursue an ex he dated more than two decades ago, then there is no relationship to salvage. In other words, he's already ended the relationship, but didn't have the balls to tell her. She's just making it official.

I Hate Screen Names on March 31, 2011 at 6:30 PM

I've just witnessed a similar situation play out with a close friend who had been married for ten years. His wife made contact with an ex-lover for whom she still had strong feelings and what followed were the two ugliest years I've ever seen. Their marriage eventually ended, but not before he had lost nearly all of his sanity and self-respect and had alienated most of the people close to him. Save yourself and your loved ones a whole lot of grief and suffering and DTMFA. Get out while your dignity is still intact.

bibliomystic on March 31, 2011 at 8:52 PM

Fuckin' Facebook...

Cold Minnesotan on March 31, 2011 at 9:33 PM

It's easy to say DTMFA but they've been married 20 years, and clearly he's not really in love with this other woman and he just needs to see reason. Sometimes that happens and the couple ends up staying together, and the person who strayed realizes what a stupid shit they were. It happens more often than you think. Check out marriagebuilders dot com.

on March 31, 2011 at 9:38 PM

38 - word. i'm know 2 families being ripped apart by the facebook friend request from "the one who got away".

ribs on March 31, 2011 at 9:43 PM

"I am not going to let you do this to us."

If there's one thing I've learned in life, it's that you can't prevent other people from fucking their lives up if they're intent on doing so.

On the bright side, you know what's going on. At least you're not finding out about it like the proverbial bolt out of the blue.

Let him go. If he's choosing a fantasy over reality, you're better off in the long run.

snockered on March 31, 2011 at 10:43 PM

Oh, and #34, that's what the "enlarge this image" link right above the cartoon is for. Try it! It's like magic!

snockered on March 31, 2011 at 10:46 PM

Oh dear. This happened to someone I am very close to after almost 20 years of marriage. The guy went back and forth, jerked her around and then finally "saw reason" as some other posters say (I suspect the second woman backed out). He came back. And you know what? The relationship imploded anyway. It was too hard for her to tolerate knowing that he could just up and treat her that way, after all she had done for him (and that was a lot!). And who can say there isn't ANOTHER "one who got away" lurking out there? He is disloyal. He tried to better deal you once, he's capable of doing it again. Sorry, but DTMFA.

teamcanada on March 31, 2011 at 11:51 PM

I just had a similar experience and my spouse finally did pull his head out of his ass and made a commitment to work on our issues. It was one of the worst times of my life; I wouldn't say we're out of the woods yet but it has gotten exponentially better. One thing that helped me was getting information on mid-life crisis'. He was practically a textbook case. At any rate, Being as peaceful as possible and taking care of yourself is your best option. The only chance you have to stay with him at this point is to do your best to separate from his craziness and keep yourself sane i.e. take good care of yourself, go about your business, start something you've always wanted to work on.... As it turns out this is also the best thing you can do in the event that you do split up. Remember you're dealing with someone who is off their rocker. Good luck.

on April 1, 2011 at 3:52 AM

I just had a similar experience and my spouse finally did pull his head out of his ass and made a commitment to work on our issues. One of the main reasons I've stayed is because I love him as a friend too. It was one of the worst times of my life; I wouldn't say we're out of the woods yet but it has gotten exponentially better. One thing that helped me was getting information on mid-life crisis'. He was practically a textbook case. At any rate, Being as peaceful as possible and taking care of yourself is your best option. The only chance you have to stay with him (if you really think it's worth it) at this point is to do your best to separate from his craziness and keep yourself sane i.e. take good care of yourself, go about your business, start something you've always wanted to work on.... As it turns out this is also the best thing you can do in the event that you do split up. Remember you're dealing with someone who is off their rocker. Good luck.

on April 1, 2011 at 3:54 AM

Stop telling him it's not real and start telling yourself it is real.

For some reason you are clinging to this asshole and it's making you look rather pathetic. Whatever you thought your relationship was and whoever you thought your husband was, it was not real.

Cletus on April 1, 2011 at 7:14 AM

For those saying "but they've been together 20 years, you guys don't know commitment, she should work on it, he should man up, etc."

Fine, tell him exactly what he needs to do (cut off all contact with her and get his ass to a therapist) and what the consequences will be if he doesn't (she leaves immediately) and see what happens.

Meanwhile, she should start separating herself from him: get her own bank account, change beneficiaries, look around for places to live (in case he's an ass and refuses to move out), etc.

Give him... oh, how about four weeks. If he's still talking with her or anyone else, if he's pouty, if he's angry, out you go.

But that's all just dressing... my guess is, he's already gone. Her DTMFA is just making it 'official.'

Sure, their relationship might survive if they try to work on it, but hey, you also might just hit '00' on roulette too. Just sayin.

Urgutha Forka on April 1, 2011 at 8:17 AM

Please take this very seriously. Close all joint accounts and change them to be in just your name, and make new passwords to everything that is yours, including email and Facebook. Protect yourself. Then DTMFA. Make him leave, keep the children in the marital home. If you pack his stuff up, and have it waiting for him when he gets to the house from work or wherever, maybe, just maybe, he'll get that you're serious, and maybe agree to stop contacting her and go into marriage counseling. Or it might just drive him to her, or drive their relationship more underground. Whatever happens with your relationship with him, protect yourself, your children and your assets. I regret not taking my own situation more seriously, and I really regret trusting him even after I realized how infatuated he was. I am now bankrupted as well as dumped.

HRH on April 1, 2011 at 9:25 AM

This is the perfect example of people wanting what they can't have. As soon as you cut him off and ignore him and move on...he will want you back. And the sad pathetic cycle will continue. Think of all the wasted energy you have put into this loser and what does that make you? You could have spent your energy and time caring for people who deserve your help and concern. I hope you do get back together and cause each other heart ache for the rest of your pathetic wasted lives.

Ninjasocks on April 1, 2011 at 12:43 PM

@50: My god, you're a moron. If Anonymous and her husband divorce, they still would have been together for 20 years. Does that constitute a relationship?

Let me try to simplify for you: a relationship requires two people. If he's already checked out, then there is no longer a relationship.

And since you apparently equate knowledge about commitment with shitting on a plate and serving it for dinner, then I will take your assumption of my ignorance as a compliment.

I Hate Screen Names on April 1, 2011 at 5:06 PM

@Spinecrusher

Still being a retard I see. Good on ya.

Free Busch On Tuesday on April 1, 2011 at 5:28 PM

DTMFA - even if he comes back to you … he willingly walked away from you once. What's to stop this from happening again?

timtech on April 1, 2011 at 6:08 PM

Terrible IA...

biju on April 2, 2011 at 12:06 PM

Give spinecrusher her own advice column. I wouldn't take her advice, but it's not like I need Dan Savage's or anyone else's advice. And spinetingler's advice is the most entertaining.

Teach us more about commitment for commitment's sake and why it's so important. It's like a badge of honor all by itself. Sounds like commitment means: 20 years is too long to admit you've made a mistake, so buck up and carry on (unless the shit casserole trick doesn't work - but TRUST, it WORKS).

jussmbdy on April 3, 2011 at 1:11 AM

I miss when I, Anonymous was about guilty confessions. This is the kind of screed that shouldn't be delivered anonymously in public, but directly to the subject in private.

Morosoph on April 3, 2011 at 8:48 AM

You're not gonna listen, because you're not ready (I was in the same spot 8 years ago). But try. Be willing to go through some pain to do what you need to do. What I know now:
1)You're right, it's a fantasy that won't last. Doesn't matter. He's still gonna go after her now because he's a self-serving a-hole.
2)He's a piece of shit and WILL screw you over to get what he wants, which is to feel good. He's a child. He doesn't deserve you. The twenty years means nothing. Do you really want 20 more years with someone who would do this to you? There are better men. You'll find one. Or more.
3) The minute you tell him to get the fuck out and stay the fuck out, you are going to feel so much better. YOU take control. YOU kick HIM out. YOU get your power back. He's leaving anyway, he just wants "time to figure out what he wants" to take advantage of your desperation (and it gives him time to fuck with your finances, BTW. Get a lawyer, file, and freeze your assets before he closes accounts and gives it to his dad to hold... now). Making him leave NOW will scare the shit out of him, show him you're not going to take his bullshit anymore, and will ruin the fantasy relationship (and that's gotta feel good, right?).
4) When you are rid of this asshole, you will have a wonderful life. I am. (BTW, the fantasy lasted 6 weeks. He's now womanless and pathetic, and I am having great sex with a lovely man-no marriage cuz I'm done with that). But it never woulda happened if I hadn't mustered the balls to DTMFA.
One more thing... file for divorce and freeze the assets BEFORE you kick him out. He's expecting you to be too distracted and heartbroken to do anything like that before he does. Don't be. Do it for the kid.

ggg on April 3, 2011 at 3:43 PM

After ten years of marriage and a beautiful, smart 3-year-old daughter (aren't they all, though?), my wife ran off with the neighbor who also had a wife and a 3-year-old son...he also served in the same military service.

It sucked horribly.

The "man's" family promptly left him, so he was free to pursue my wife with all the lust and gusto he had...further interrupting our attempts to patch things up. He ridiculed me...terrorized me...stalked and haunted me. He was determined to take out on me the insecurities he had about his relationship with my soon-to-be ex-wife.

I told him in an email: "Do what you will. But no matter what...my daughter is still mine and she will always remember ME...and with [my wife] you will never, ever defeat the memory of me. So go on and try to make the most of it. You are only temporary."

I gave my wife an ultimatum about the custody of our daughter. I had put up with enough abuse and humiliation from her live-in lover. I could not accept my daughter growing up with that man/monster that my wife thought was her savior, so I fought my wife for custody. The ultimatum was...give me full custody of our daughter and I will believe that you are serious about making it work and I will do everything possible to make our marriage work.

One day she knocked on the door...and that was the beginning. We worked HARD for four years to push past it. And we finally did...and it is amazing.

Take the advice about protecting yourself...it's smart. I did, too. When my wife came back, the divorce was not far away. But during the years of our reunion she expressed such regret...and so did I for my own mistakes...that we managed to make it through.

I can't guarantee it, but it can still happen for you. Obviously the love you have is very strong. Hold on to hope for a little while longer, but still be real about it...still be ready to cut the ties and start living your life again.

My heart goes out to you....good luck.

on April 4, 2011 at 3:15 AM

He's already left you. You can take any angle you choose, from Understanding Wife Contemplating Open Marriage to Raving, Vindictive Bitch, but it will only prolong the inevitable. Therapy won't help, time won't help, and understanding won't help. At the end of whatever stretch of time, you'll have died a little more each time he screws around, you'll have become an obsessed parody of a bad detective novel, and you'll still be alone. Leave now while you still have a modicum of pride left. (and before he brings you all those lovely STD's that are an inevitable part of this kind of betrayal.)

Been there, done that - twice with the same loving asshole.

HappyLeftist on April 4, 2011 at 11:07 AM

HappyLeftist on April 4, 2011 at 11:10 AM

@59
I don't understand this. Did she give you full custody so she could work it out with him or you?

"The ultimatum was...give me full custody of our daughter and I will believe that you are serious about making it work and I will do everything possible to make our marriage work.

ggg on April 4, 2011 at 2:23 PM

So I take it that a 3-way is out of the question?

Geni on April 4, 2011 at 2:40 PM

Pffffff..... Commitment is like an asshole, everyones got one. Then 20 years later you shit on a plate and serve it to whoever uses 'DTMFA' the most times.

BAM!

growler on April 4, 2011 at 7:34 PM

I quit Facebook because it's a mirror and it showed me every day what an ugly, terrible person I am. That's not news I can use.

Nice that this guy can utilize FB to scope out some fine trim and make his move.

Incredible on April 4, 2011 at 8:05 PM

Any chance you got fat?

Erok on April 5, 2011 at 9:50 AM

What does DTMFA mean?

on April 5, 2011 at 12:53 PM

@Antropomorphise me: Wow! You posted an ENTIRE Michael McDonald song. I am both impressed and afraid. Very afraid.

labrysswinger on April 5, 2011 at 5:58 PM

@67: http://tinyurl.com/y4sv5ga

I Hate Screen Names on April 5, 2011 at 7:00 PM

Ugh, YOU'RE the one who needs to stop living a fantasy. He's already shown you he doesn't give a rat's ass about your caring, acceptance, love or vows. If he did he wouldn't be throwing it all away for a Facebook fling. You're being TOO understanding - actually, a goddamn doormat - moping around begging him to stay while he "figures out what he wants" (Bullshit-ese for "strings you both along while he gets exactly what he wants").

Make the poor baby's oh-so-hard decision easier by giving him an ultimatum. He cuts off all contact with her, forever, and deletes his Facebook -OR- you're outta there, forever. And follow through. I feel bad for you, but you sound pathetic whining about commitment while refusing to admit you accidentally married a weak asshole who IS NOW IN LOVE WITH ANOTHER WOMAN. People do worse all the time - they accidentally marry white-collar criminals, pedophiles, closeted dope fiends and serial killers. Admit you've been had and cut your losses - it's the only way to salvage what little dignity you have left.

the_spiral on April 6, 2011 at 6:27 AM

@64: A+++

Jeffrey in Chicago on April 6, 2011 at 11:36 AM

It always amazes me how easy it is for others to judge a relationship from the outside. I cannot judge you or him. Everyone who has been in a long term committed relationship and has reached this point knows it is complicated emotionally as well as practically. The only certainty here is that the relationship you thought you had is now forever changed. Whatever happens after this point (he leaves, you leave, he stays, you and he waffle, cringe and wring your hands endlessly, whatever) that old relationship is already dead. What is past is past, both his recent actions and the prior 20 years. You need to decide if you want to commit to an entirely new, future relationship with this man and what you want that relationship to be. I suspect it will likely not be what you want despite what you may be holding onto emotionally, but it’s your call. But you do need to make a call soon (see 'HRH", #48 above).

dbgill56 on April 6, 2011 at 2:20 PM

Oh you crazy monogamous kids!

on April 6, 2011 at 4:09 PM

he wants to have his cake and eat it too. whether he does that or not is entirely in YOUR hands.

dont spoil him.

Do not be the architect of your own demise.

iluvcheese222 on April 7, 2011 at 11:24 AM

#66

Any chance YOU'll grow a soul?

What the hell kind of comment was that?

(or...are YOU the guy she's writing about?)

AlaskanbutnotSeanParnell on April 7, 2011 at 8:10 PM

I agree 100% with HRH: protect yourself. I had to DTMFA after 30 years, and I am SO glad I did. You will be too. And the post-divorce sex will be ever so much better, I promise.

Sarah in Olympia on April 10, 2011 at 6:59 PM

He's a piece of crap who will dump the new one when the fantasy wears off and then pursue you again ten years' later for being the one he truly loved (he'd say).

DTMFA without doubt.

samanthaf63 on April 15, 2011 at 7:28 AM

I, Anonymous

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