May we take a moment to appreciate the plight of the undercover cop? [Editor's Note: May we also take a moment to remind you that Humpy knows absolutely nothing about police work? Grain of salt, people.] As we all know, being a cop is tough workâexcept for bossing people around all day and carrying a gun and a Taser. (OH BOO-HOO-HOO, POOR COPS!) But they do catch a lot of crap from no-goodniks like me, and yet they still seem happy to drop by my home or office to dispose of my many stalkers/angry ex-lovers... for which I shall be ever appreciative.
But while regular cops have a hard row to hoe, undercover cops have it super tough! Imagine you were undercover and investigating some skinhead Nazi organization. First, you have to get a haircut that looks like someone ran over you with a lawn mower. Second, you have to get a bunch of Nazi tattoosâwhich ruins every family holiday photo. Third, you can't listen to any Taylor Swift or Ariana Grande. And fourth, you have to pretend that you're super racistâwhich limits your dating options to other skinheads or Florida Republicans. THIS IS AN UNTENABLE SITUATION!
HOWEVER! The only thing worse than being a skinhead undercover cop is being a HIPPIE undercover cop. I don't need four reasons to describe why this is horribleâjust this: You have to dress like a hippie and smell like you've been sleeping inside the intestines of a pig. It's the WORST possible job any cop could ever have, and in my opinion, EVEN MORE UNTENABLE.
Well, TV is finally getting around to dramatizing the nearly impossible plight of the hippie undercover cop in NBC's new show Aquarius (debuting Thurs May 28, 9 pm). This crime drama set in 1967 stars David Duchovny (The X-Files and Red Shoes Diaries... everyone always forgets about Red Shoes Diaries) as a jarhead old-timey cop in the Mickey Spillane tradition who sees his beloved Los Angeles being polluted by free love, LSD, and stink-foot hippies. He's partnered with a young vice cop (True Blood's Grey Damon) who's been ordered to grow his hair and infiltrate the countercultureâbut eventually begins to see the hippies' side of things. Obviously, this makes Duchovny's character DESPISE his young partnerâthough smelling like the inside of a hog doesn't help.
BUT THEN! Trouble brings them back together when the daughter of an old friend disappears and they discover she's fallen under the spell of a certain cult leader named [pause for dramatic effect] CHARLES MANSON (Game of Thrones' Gethin Anthony), who in two short years will become the most famous hippie murderer the world has ever known! (BOOOO! Hippie murderers are the worst!)
As you can probably guess, this show will most likely be terribleâbecause who gives two craps about a hippie cop show even if Charles Manson is involved, right? However, TV should definitely give more love to undercover copsâwhich is why I'll be pitching my new show, Swift Cop, about a police officer who stops crime by going undercover as Taylor Swift. (And unlike some people, he smells fantastic.)
WEDNESDAY, MAY 27
8:00 CBS THE BRIEFCASE
Debut! Poor people are given a briefcase of money and a choice to give part of it away to someone needier. THIS IS A RICH PERSONâS TRAP.
9:00 FOX BULLSEYE
Debut! A game show where people are dropped out of things and try to hit a target. ANOTHER RICH PERSONâS TRAP.
THURSDAY, MAY 28
10:00 SPIKE LIP SYNC BATTLE
Season finale! This fun lip-synch show pits Queen Latifah against Marlon Wayans.
10:30 FX LOUIE
Season finale! The final episode of the season followed by a 90-minute Louis C.K. stand-up special!
FRIDAY, MAY 29
11:00 IFC COMEDY BANG! BANG!
Scott welcomes the sexy and nerdtastic Karen Gillan (Doctor Who).
SATURDAY, MAY 30
8:00 HBO ROCK AND ROLL HALL OF FAME
The induction ceremony and concert honoring Bill Withers, Joan Jett, Lou Reed, and more!
9:00 STARZ OUTLANDER
Season finale! Jamie is rescued from his sadistic captorâbut Claire wonders if his brain will ever recover.
SUNDAY, MAY 31
9:30 SHO HAPPYISH
A new store at the mall sends everyone into a tailspin. (No store is better than Hot Dog on a Stick.)
10:00 HBO SILICON VALLEY
Richard wants his company to have the same brand loyalty as Hot Dog on a Stick. IMPOSSIBLE.
MONDAY, JUNE 1
10:00 ABC THE WHISPERS
Debut! Lily Rabe stars as an investigator who learns aliens are telling our children to do terrible things.
TUESDAY, JUNE 2
3:00 am YAHOO COMMUNITY
9:00 CW IZOMBIE
Liv eats the brains of a high schooler, and all she wants to do is visit Forever 21 and Hot Dog on a Stick.
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