First of all, if you've never seen the 2001 cult classic film Wet Hot American Summer, then go watch it right this instant! Seriously, right now. I'll wait. (Are they gone? Good. UNNGGGH, aren't people who refuse to familiarize themselves with popular culture the worst? I mean, it's bad enough these people never get your hilarious movie and TV references, but then they get all high-horsey and act like they're too evolved to learn about pop culture, while simultaneously feeling butt-hurt that they're being left out of conversations, and.... OOHHHH, HI! You're back! We missed you.)
Anyway! The reason I wanted you to watch Wet Hot American Summer is because they're getting the gang back together again for an eight-episode miniseries debuting on Netflix this Friday, July 31! On three, everybody... one, two, three... SQUEEEEEEEEE!! AREN'T YOU FREAKING EXCITED?? AREN'T YOU LOSING YOUR GODDAMN MIND RIGHT NOW?? AREN'T YOU... wait. You didn't watch the original movie, did you? I paused the column for you!! What were you doing all that ti... oh, masturbating. Well, okay... that's a worthy pursuit, I guess. FINE, FAWK IT, I'll just tell you about it.
The original Wet Hot American Summer was created by comedians David Wain and Michael Showalter (from the sketch group The State), and it was a spot-on parody of those 1980s teen sex comedies. It starred such now well-known luminaries as Paul Rudd, Amy Poehler, Bradley Cooper, Elizabeth Banks, Michael Ian Black, Janeane Garofalo, David Hyde Pierce, and more, and it revolved around the oversexed counselors at a kids' summer camp. The jokes in Wet Hot American Summer were hilarious, filthy, and bizarre—and it absolutely BOMBED at the box office. (Plus it was given a terrible review by none other than Roger Ebert—but we're gonna give him a pass since he's no longer with us. Hope he's writing smarter reviews in heaven!)
Anyway, despite its original poor opening, Wet Hot American Summer eventually found its audience on DVD and cable where it became one of the most beloved camp classics of our time. (Now are you feeling like a jerk because you didn't watch the movie when I gave you the opportunity? Hope that masturbation was worth it!! [It probably was.])
With that in mind, it's cause for celebration that the film is back with its Netflix sequel, Wet Hot American Summer: First Day of Camp. Not only does it reunite most of the original cast (with some great cameos from Jon Hamm, Kristen Wiig, Chris Pine, Jason Schwartzman, and more!), First Day of Camp is actually a prequel to the original story... meaning if it was hilarious in 2001 that these older actors were playing 16-year-olds, it is now hilarious times three they're playing the same teens 14 years later! (Note: Paul Rudd is eternally gorgeous and will look exactly the same age forever.)
Naturally you can expect the same level of laughs, stupidity, and raunchiness in this miniseries, and since Roger Ebert isn't around to give it the thumbs down, there's no reason to miss a single gut-busting episode. (Unless you're too busy masturbating. Give it a rest, will ya?!? There's more to life, you know! [Actually, I guess there isn't.])
WEDNESDAY, JULY 29
8:00 NBC AMERICA’S GOT TALENT 10TH ANNIVERSARY SPECIAL
America’s most annoying talent show celebrates 10 years of annoying the shit out of you.
10:00 USA MR. ROBOT
To save his gal pal, Elliott must hack a drug dealer out of jail! (Yet he’ll do nothing about my parking tickets.)
THURSDAY, JULY 30
10:00 CBS UNDER THE DOME
Meteors pummel the earth, causing the dome people to yell, “Who’s sad they don’t live under a dome now?”
10:30 IFC COMEDY BANG BANG
Costarring Carly Rae Jepsen, who should retire because she’ll never do anything better than “Call Me Maybe.”
FRIDAY, JULY 31
3:00 am NETFLIX WET HOT AMERICAN SUMMER: FIRST DAY AT CAMP
The oldest-looking (and most hilarious) 16-year-olds you’ll ever see.
SATURDAY, AUGUST 1
9:00 DISXD MARVEL’S GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY
The further animated adventures of the Guardians, this episode featuring Star-Lord!
SUNDAY, AUGUST 2
9:00 HBO TRUE DETECTIVE
When Ray’s mustache is implicated in the murders, it dyes its hair blond and goes on the lam.
10:00 AMC HALT AND CATCH FIRE
Season finale! Cameron envisions a new future for the company. (Better dust off those résumés, people!)
MONDAY, AUGUST 3
9:30 CW SIGNIFICANT MOTHER
Debut! A guy is somewhat put out when he discovers his best friend is dating his mom.
10:00 NBC RUNNING WILD WITH BEAR GRYLLS
Actor Ed Helms (The Office) tries to survive in the wilderness, cue hilarity.
TUESDAY, AUGUST 4
9:00 CBS ZOO
Mitch and Chloe are kidnapped by a drug lord—which is preferable to being attacked by bats.
10:30 COM ANOTHER PERIOD
To become famous, Lillian stages her own abduction—which, again, is preferable to being attacked by bats.
Hot wet tweets! @WmSteveHumphrey