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I mean Yvonne Fulbright with all the stupid dotted letters after her name. Who cares???? She is just a site to attract men to buy her sex toys and books, thinking somehow that there is something actually wrong with their sex life. I'll bet she is frigid. For one thing, she is too young and just a kid herself, not an expert!!!!!! Experts have many years of knowledge, but many years of experience, as well. Yet, she draws people to her by projecting herself to be like the typical Fox News loose whorish looking women who appear to have it altogether, but are probably a worse screw-ups sexually than those she advises. Take my advice. You will only become a sex addict if you listen to her advice and will probably become involved in heavy pornography before long and sin against God, yourself, and your partner. God and sex go together. He will help you and your partner, really. Just start forgiving one another and see what happens!
My advice to anyone would be, just let it happen. Sex is natural and doesn't have to be taught or read up on. Look at the animals and the birds and the bees. They don't take classes, so then, why are you?
Believe me, it you just let it flow and happen, it will be the greatest sex experience you ever had. Just get over your own personal body hangups or even body egos and let God do the rest, but only if you are married!
Suzy
In my experience indulging in a fantasy in a safe, loving context gives it less, not more, power over you.
Hope you did it and hope you were fine. Hope you didn't end up spending shit-loads of money with some chin-stroking know-nothing who thinks maybe you should start coming three times a week - for your own good of course.
But yes, yes someone who spent at *least* 8 -10 years at university doesn't know that much. Hell, you can put letters after your name too. You probably even know how to read.
In conclusion, if pornography disgusts you why are you reading this site, you're a fucking moron and your breath smells.
And let's examine the advice a little bit. Did Ms Fullbright, Ph.D., with all her wonderful knowledge, actually say that it would be bad for UBOES' girlfriend to realize her fantasy? No, she didn't -- she just said it wouldn't solve her problem (though it might get her off). And what is Dan saying? That in his experience, acting out fantasies actually helps.
So -- the "academic" expert is saying "OK, but it won't have the effect you hope for", and Dan says "try it -- I think it works"... Sounds to me like trying is a good idea. Worst case scenario, nothing changes. What has UBOES got to lose?
As for therapy... I do think therapy (especially in America) is overrated. Oh yes, please go to a therapist and talk to him/her; but if you think therapists are like computer technicians who can fix your PC and then send you the bill, you're quite wrong. Lots of people have had less than good experiences with therapists -- they are no panacea. I'm not saying they're worthless -- they do help. UBOES' girlfriend should certainly see one. But please -- the era of miracles is over, if it ever existed.
While I don't have the medical aspect of UBOES gf's fantasy, I do have the force/helplessness part - which is the part that the expert focused on. I know that this expert has had years of schooling and all but I think some of the things she said are shit. I was raised in a sex-positive environment, have never been sexually abused and do not like being told that this sort of kink "reeks of sexual inhibition".
UBOES gf should have gone for it (I dunno if she did or not) while she had such a GGG bf. What's the worse that can happen? she works out that the reality doesn't quite live up? is that going to fuck up their sex life any more than it already sounds?
As long as your kink doesn't leave the safe/sane/concensual zone I think you should go for it.
I think, for the most part, fantasies are less "tricks" that you need to get around some psychological hangup and more personal quirks that add to the fun. The real hangups are with people who think they can't have fun in bed because any given thing is weird or wrong or gross or gay or whatever. The most boring partners I've had are the ones who shun kink and say things like, "Why can't we just do it?"
Granted, not everyone with a rape fantasy has a healthy sexual outlook (not everyone period has a healthy sexual outlook), but A doesn't necessarily equal B. I think that blame is wildly misplaced.
There's a difference between a rape fantasy and enjoying being handled roughly or being dominated. In a rape fantasy, a person actually imagines that they do not want to be having sex with this person.
UBOES's girlfriend describing herself as "broken" supports my view of it. This is not a fun kink for her but a disturbing fantasy that she dislikes but needs in order to reach climax. She needs to work on letting herself enjoy sex and enjoy being overwhelmed with an understanding partner who can encourage her verbally during sex to change her emotional reactions.
I'm not saying that kinks are unhealthy or that people with them should be shunned or feel bad about themselves. I place the blame on religion-motivated sexual repression. I'm considering the possibility that kinks, perversions, whatever you call them, are ways to circumvent repression and should be seen as stages in healing oneself of sexual repression.