Columns Mar 3, 2005 at 4:00 am

Shitstorm!

Comments

1
So when our we responsible for ourselves and when are we responsible for others? I became infected by a man who told me he was HIV negative and so I let him fuck me. Two months later I tetsed positive. So, here I am - an HIV positive male prostitute who is pissed and ashamed and very scared. Should this man be prosecuted for infecting me, or should I let it go? Should I be responsible for telling all my sex partners about my status and risk major estrangement? Was it my responsibility that I became infected or was it the man's fault for lying to me? Does any of it matter, anyway? Maybe having a good attitude and coming out with my status may have unexpected positive benefits. But I cannot condone people who attack those who are afraid to disclose their status. It's easier said than done and for those who are so provocative in their opinions are doing nothing to further their position other than antagonize. So it becomes less about honest and open communication than about those who judge and their own issues with anger. I resent the likes of you almost as much as the man who infected me.
2
I was infected two years ago by a man who told me that he was HIV negative. So I let him fuck me without a condom. Two months later - BINGO! I go back and forth on my emotions all the time. Sometimes, I'm okay with it. Sometimes I think, I am a better person because of it. And sometimes, I'm just pissed and scared and sad. For the past 11 years, I have earned a living as a gay male prostitute. I've disclosed to a hand full of partners, usually either because I knew them well or because they wanted to have unsafe sex or because they asked me during the inital conversation/e-mail (not as they are walking out my front door. "Oh, by the way..." Sorry, I don't think those people even want to know the truth.) For a plain old blow job, I see no reason to go there. Should I expect scorn from certain groups? I hope not, but I've been disappointed before. But one of the things that really pisses me off, though, is certain people equating "knowingly exposing someone to HIV to mugging an old lady". First, like the other reader said, an individual has the right (unless under the circumstance of rape) to wear a condom or not, whereas the old lady is probably defenseless. Second, and just as tellingly, a person who mugs an old lady obviously intends to do her harm. A person who has HIV may not disclose their status for many different reasons that have nothing to do with intention to harm. Maybe they are scared to disclose their status, maybe they've barely learned to accept themselves, and those fears (for those of you who are HIV negative) are very, very real.. So please don't judge someone in that way unless you have been in the same situation. (Or unless you really, really can't help yourself because it makes you feel so much better about yourself when you do it.) It's not nice and secondly, it will do nothing to help you win your points: it will only alienate people and cause a disservice for what are - hopefully- constructive goals. And if you have been there, then hopefully you will know what it is to have empathy. Or if the person is a prostitute, he may advocate safe sex, but at the same time fear of possible retribution, loss of revenue, word getting out, etc, may keep him or her from being consistently honest. This is hardly the same thing as "intent to do bodily harm" and could in some more desperate cases be seen as self-preservation and "me against them", an attitude which your hostile words helps to encourage. How can you actually compare the two? In my case, my rent was due in two days and I felt at the time that it would probably be okay. Well, the man lied to me. So, was he responsible for infecting me? Or was I reponsible for not using protection 100% of the time. Should I be as angry at him as Mr. Savage apparently is? Because I don't think I am. Some people, Mr. Savage perhaps included, seem more anxious to point the finger and dig in and judge than resolving anything. I know that there are people who are HIV positive and are angry about it and see no outlet at their disposal to deal with their anger, so they go out and try to infect as many people as possible. This is not what I am talking about. Surely intention must count for a lot. I am fully aware of many of my personal problems and have made great strides in progress (always slow, never easy), but when some people become so vociferous and hostile regarding this topic of disclosure it often has, I suspect, the opposite effect intended. It throws everything out of whack, and, frankly, it turns a serious, sensitive topic into a bitching session. You seem so threatening and angry when you talk about it (I don't know, are you also infected and pissed about that, so you're projecting your angter onto others? Your extreme anger seems almost inappropriate here.) and I don't need to perceive one more "coming out" experience as a threat. So, the question is, do you want to help the overall cause and the people it is affecting (ALL of them, not just the uninfected) or are you nurturing your own out-of-whack anger agenda?
3
A lot of people talk about personal responsibility. They are usually conservatives and frequently it is a euphemism for letting the poor, weak, or otherwise suffering populace suffer on their own.

And the proper attack of such euphemisms rarely sounds right: down with personal responsibility! No, wait...

I think what Dan is advocating is the missing link: SOCIAL RESPONSIBILITY.

We are responsible to keep ourselves healthy and smoke-free because it is the socially responsible thing to do. To avoid littering not to avoid the fine but because it is the socially responsible thing to do. To raise our kids to be active members of society not so they can take care of us in our old age or make us proud but because it is the socially responsible thing to do.

But no one ever speaks of social responsibility. Only personal responsibility and the right to avoid helping each other, paying taxes, improving our towns...
4
Oh, and being triply careful not to infect others is the socially responsible thing to do.
5
I've had a bi boyfriend who told me he was HIV positive after a few dates, before we had had sex. He was not sure I wouldn't dump him. I didn't - I like an honest guy.

When we did have sex, we used a condom and we were extra careful, so what ? I'm still HIV- !
6
I have to say, I enjoy it when these older columns end up on the 'most commented' lists because that's usually where I start reading things on The Stranger. I have to wonder, however, at the algorithm that sticks them up there. This column is from years ago and only had only 2 comments before it was posted, and that's not the first time it's happened. Just my inner nerd's curiosity....
7
"Why doesn't she listen to Mr. Wonka, Grandpa?"

"Because, Charlie, she's a nitwit!"

Sections 264 and 231 of the criminal code of Canada
>Infecting someone who is unaware of your status before sex can be considered attempted murder.
>If a sex partner dies from HIV (infected by you, without knowledge of your status) it is considered first degree murder... even if it isn't premeditated.

Please wait...

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