Columns Aug 21, 2008 at 4:00 am

Uncle Pussy

Comments

1
DS PWND ALIY!!!
2
I am sorry but the letter writer has no right to force his political beliefs on his brother, let alone the brother's kid. If he wanted to raise someone with his values, he should have had kids himself. The best he can and should do is be a good gay role model. Adolescents do tend to want to rebel against their parental units at some point, so all hope is not lost for George. Normally your advice is right on, Dan, but you blew it on this one. In a few years when your child is an adolescent and some uncle thinks you're bringing the kid up wrong, you'll understand.
3
Robin, I don't think you read the letter. ALIY does have a kid, and, as far as I can tell, there's no indication that ALIY is gay.

These details may not be enough to convince you that you are wrong, but the first one, at least, is kind of significant: ALIY doesn't want George to adversely influence his son's views. I'm pretty sure that was the crux of the letter, actually.

And that point--that George could affect what ALIY's kid thinks--brings up another point: that children and their parents do not exist in a vacuum. George is not harmlessly spewing anti-gay rhetoric in a life of total seclusion. When he talks, people hear him. As Dan said, George has every right to express his views. But so, too, do adults have the right to refute them. He's 13, not 2. He can take it.
4
Mr. Savage,

Thank you for your advice to NCA. I was just about to write in with a similar problem.

Thank you.
5
Gravity is a Law not a theory.
6
doesn't anyone remember being in 8th grade (or 9th grade through college) when *everything* that all the 13 year old boys referred to was "gay"? He's parotting his dad, because he isn't old enough to have his own opinions yet, and saying what he hears all the other boys saying. It's just a phase. Nobody needs to argue with him, or make him feel like a little piece of shit (when he's just being a normal 13 year old boy), most likely just having quiet examples of open-minded people in his life will be enough to eventually make him realize that there are other ways to think and other ways to be, and that his dad is wrong. (I still remember my humiliation at age 11 when I called someone a "Stupid N***r" because I heard my dad say it. Did I know it was wrong? No. Did I find out quickly from my mortified grandmother? Oh yes.)
It's probably enough to just gently correct him when he brings it up, and say "Please don't speak that way in front of me or my son" or "Not everyone feels that way" or "it's just one tiny piece of the way some people are, like having blonde hair or liking beets"...instead of engaging in morality debates with a middle-schooler. Just be a tolerant open-minded presence in his life and try to expose him to other ideas, cultures, types of people (because his dad probably doesn't). Within 3 years of so his dad is going to become an idiot who doesn't know anything about anything and Junior will rebel against the ideas he was raised with in whatever way he can. Unless he doesn't, in which case, you will have done your best.
7
doesn't anyone remember being in 8th grade (or 9th grade through college) when *everything* that all the 13 year old boys referred to was "gay"? He's parotting his dad, because he isn't old enough to have his own opinions yet, and saying what he hears all the other boys saying. It's just a phase. Nobody needs to argue with him, or make him feel like a little piece of shit (when he's just being a normal 13 year old boy), most likely just having quiet examples of open-minded people in his life will be enough to eventually make him realize that there are other ways to think and other ways to be, and that his dad is wrong. (I still remember my humiliation at age 11 when I called someone a "Stupid N***r" because I heard my dad say it. Did I know it was wrong? No. Did I find out quickly from my mortified grandmother? Oh yes.)
It's probably enough to just gently correct him when he brings it up, and say "Please don't speak that way in front of me or my son" or "Not everyone feels that way" or "it's just one tiny piece of the way some people are, like having blonde hair or liking beets"...instead of engaging in morality debates with a middle-schooler. Just be a tolerant open-minded presence in his life and try to expose him to other ideas, cultures, types of people (because his dad probably doesn't). Within 3 years of so his dad is going to become an idiot who doesn't know anything about anything and Junior will rebel against the ideas he was raised with in whatever way he can. Unless he doesn't, in which case, you will have done your best.
8
Dan,
I think your advice to ALIY was perfect. Even dumb ass kids can cause a lot of damage. that little shit George needs to be put in line before it's too late for him to learn real tolerance!
9
habibbi,

If George is old enough to pretend to have moral convictions like "Being gay is just wrong," then he is old enough to be challenged on them. You say you learned quickly from your mortified grandmother that "Stupid Nigger" was not to be repeated, why shouldn't George be taught the same lesson? By your own advice, it would have been more appropriate for your grandmother to quietly provide an example a person who doesn't use the phrase "Stupid Nigger", allowing you to come to your own conclusions upon maturity. Why do you suggest ALAY hide his mortification?
10
That is AMAZING advice to NCA. It's elegant, simple, and it would completely work.
11
Dan! You don't know who Betty Crocker is? Are all the cakes at your house made from scratch? Do you not have the ubiquitous red and white checked cookbook on your shelf? Did not your Mother (may she rest in peace)?
12
I know I'm a little late posting here... but I am shocked at how often women who identify themselves as "feminists" want to be dominated and "taken" by a man. I am a mother and sole breadwinner of my family so I am not just saying this to put feminists down. But it surprises me how often the strong images projected by individuals actually hide an interior that is quite the opposite. Perhaps I am being naive.
13
I remember when my little brother was using the word gay pejoratively. I asked him why and he said, "It's not bad because you have to look at it in context. I'm not talking about gay people." I said, "OK, so what do you mean in context?" And he said, "It means bad." And I said, gently, "you don't think people will associate gay people with 'bad' when it's used all the time?"

He just laughed and realized what the problem was.

We can win these battles on ideas. Like Robin said, there's no reason to force your opinion on your brother's kid. In fact, I wouldn't even do that with my own kid. You simply provoke thought and know that the ideas you present will be stronger, because they're right. Arguments are always better than punishment because arguments have a way of opening someone's eyes to new ways of thinking. Punishment only builds resentment. Let's use the force of ideas and argument to convince, not coerce.
14
wasabi,
my theory on the matter is that just as its hard to be betty crocker all the time, its hard to be rosie the riveter all the time. in our phallocentric society, men want to be actively in charge just as much as they want to be passively catered to. women are (read: should be) subjected to this same opportunity, but the battle for feminism places all of its soldiers in the hard-working, independent, higher-society people who make themselves vulnerable to the pressures of responsibility. while men who back off from this are entitled to back off, women who do so feel as though they are betraying their cause by showing weakness. while i think that the whole thing is stupid and that people should just shut up and submit to egalitarianism, sadly the world doesnt work that way.
sex is fun. that is to say, it is a way for us to temporarily escape reality and take a some time off from our pressures. the feminists in question use sex to take a breath from their dominant public personae by means of a submissive private persona because--lets face it--male or female, there is only so much we can expect a person to accomplish without admitting the human quality of imperfection.
on the other hand, 'hiding an interior that is quite the opposite' is also a potential turn-on for many of the same reasons. holding a secret from society is hot, as is the dissonance of self-denial, our internal struggles, the dichotomy between what could be and what is, and all of those internal and external influences that make psychology majors' mouths water.
again, just a midnight thought, but i just thought that taking a stab at the answer would help you out.
15
wasabi,
my theory on the matter is that just as its hard to be betty crocker all the time, its hard to be rosie the riveter all the time. in our phallocentric society, men want to be actively in charge just as much as they want to be passively catered to. women are (read: should be) subjected to this same opportunity, but the battle for feminism places all of its soldiers in the hard-working, independent, higher-society people who make themselves vulnerable to the pressures of responsibility. while men who back off from this are entitled to back off, women who do so feel as though they are betraying their cause by showing weakness. while i think that the whole thing is stupid and that people should just shut up and submit to egalitarianism, sadly the world doesnt work that way.
sex is fun. that is to say, it is a way for us to temporarily escape reality and take a some time off from our pressures. the feminists in question use sex to take a breath from their dominant public personae by means of a submissive private persona because--lets face it--male or female, there is only so much we can expect a person to accomplish without admitting the human quality of imperfection.
on the other hand, 'hiding an interior that is quite the opposite' is also a potential turn-on for many of the same reasons. holding a secret from society is hot, as is the dissonance of self-denial, our internal struggles, the dichotomy between what could be and what is, and all of those internal and external influences that make psychology majors' mouths water.
again, just a midnight thought, but i just thought that taking a stab at the answer would help you out.
16
wasabi,
The 18 year old guy above is totally right.

I completely identify with the feminist turned on by Domestic Discipline. I, myself, am one of those hardcore, Rosie-the-riveter, fierce femme dyke feminists.

Being "taken down" in bed is fun. Plain and simple. And it's not just men, plenty of us radical queer dykes like to be taken down too (by each other!).

Quite frankly, the idea that to be a good feminist, I need to be into equality to the nth degree in every facet of my life, in and out of the bedroom, to be a "real" feminist is absurd. Great sex is all about power exchange, and feminists you're talking about are often the ones fighting the good fight about things like sexual freedom and porn that isn't exploitative. That's right, feminists watch porn, too.

Here's the thing, wasabi -- fantasy is fantasy. It's a kink thing, and I enjoy the power exchange, and I totally get off on that kind of play (note: PLAY).

It's hot. Wearing a pretty dress, some awesome heels, making cookies, and having some big old bulldyke with strong arms and tough demeanor decide that she should put her combat-booted foot down and I should get spanked over her levi-clad knee turns me on. Why? Possibly because it's fun to be someone else for a little bit, because butch dykes in combat boots who look like James Dean with boobs are hot, because all day I deal with self-righteous middle class public-radio listening 2nd wave feminists who think porn is horrible and slingback stilettos are tools of the patriarchy, and dammit I need to blow off some steam.

And after that hot June Cleaver gets spanked by the big, tough bulldagger scene, my partner and I cuddle, have sex, clean up, and go out to dinner with our vanilla lesbian friends, volunteer for planned parenthood, or teach safe kinky sex classes (mostly to straight people...).

Want to know why the straight people who actually do the Domestic Discipline thing do it? Because it's a way for bible-thumping right-wing conservative nutjobs to have kinky sex and indulge their kinks without feeling guilty about them.

Kinky sex is fun, folks. Kinky sex is fun.
17
THANK YOU, rosie the rivedyke. Beautifully, beautifully said.

I am annoyed at how often militant feminists attack "regular" feminists for not wearing their power suit 24/7--or at all, for that matter. Has everyone lost the scope of what feminism means in the first place? It's the idea that you can be the power suit-wearing Rosie the Riveter, OR you can be June Cleaver, OR (gasp) you can switch between the two on a whim. It's the idea that you can choose what you want to do, not that you have to become a staunch rebel to traditional roles. That's just taking closed-mindedness to the opposite extreme, when what we really want is to be in the middle.

I don't think anything anyone likes to do or be in the bedroom should be subject to have any reflection or fall in line with anything they are outside. What turns your crank turns your crank--as long as you're safe, healthy and not hurting anyone, you shouldn't have to justify your kinks. Period.
18
Jengi: Absolutely. Well put.

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