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800 Maynard Ave S, Suite 200, Seattle, WA 98134
800 Maynard Ave S, Suite 200, Seattle, WA 98134
(No offense to Mormons; just the Mormon churches in California.)
Wow Dan, you may have played right into his "toping from the bottom"ing hands and answered his prayers/fantasies and publically humilated him. It may be a long time before a Professional Dominatrix or Dominate partner live up to what you just did.
When you see your brother's mother-in-law during this holiday season, remind her that it really wasn't that long ago that mixed race marriages were forbidden in many states. In that short time, we have come so far.
I know that people are angry. I grew up Mormon and I'm furious they are so proud to be so politically ignorant. But I feel it's important to fight with the truth.
My family is a bunch of biggots, excluding my brother. My mom even sees two women holding hands and she points them out and says how it is disgusting and against Gods will. I have a lot of problems with this.
I am bisexual. I have been with a woman. I have sex outside of marriage (gasp). I have had a threesome, my boyfriend is 20 years older than me AND we have an open relationship. This is what makes me happy, and I feel and ahve always felt that so long as no one gets hurt (hurt in the bad way) then there is no reason whatsoever for other people to stick their noses in it. Marriage is about love and commitment, not gender or race.
And also, I don`t think SHEESH was out of line to ask for a clean dildo. I am a submissive to my boyfriend and before and after we are together we talk, in depth, about likes and dislikes and things that would make me or him uncomfortable. He respects my wishes and limits. I think asking for a clean dildo is NOT a huge deal, I think what pissed her off is him insisting she do it in front of him. If not for that, it may have gone diffrently.
My advice to you is to drop the issue for now, and look into Christian and Evangelical groups that support gay rights, and from them get some Biblical glosses in favor of gay marriage. Next time she brings the issue up (and that means SHE has to bring the issue up, you can't bait her into it), you tell her that Pastor Jones of Brotherly Love Institute says such-and-such, and it will give her something to chew on.
Or you could dismiss her complaints with "A guy named Saul opposed the rights of a minority, too, until by God's grace he saw the light and changed his ways." She'll know what you're talking about.
Obviously this would be needed to protect our children from being taught that Mormons are Christians and tricking them into the Mormon lifestyle.
Once all the evangelicals hear that the Mormons are closer to Scientology then Christ, I guarantee they would support it!
What's even funnier, with the right amount of money and the right PR firm, you could probably do it.
I mean, whatever it was that happened, he was specifically asked NOT to contact this woman ever again. This is a rather passive-aggressive way of contacting her without contacting her, isn't it?
I have never believed that being a bottom means abdicating all responsibility for your own safety. Domme wants to tie you up and leave you alone gagged? Dom says it is just fine if he pours boiling water from a kettle on you? Top wants to share sex toys without putting a condom on them? No, no, no, no, no!
And if a prodomme gets snitty about you taking responsibility for your own health then shame, shame, shame on her. And shame on you too Dan for not saying so.
You're well shot of her - take your cash and give it to a better and more professional woman.
"What self-respecting sex worker would refuse a request to make sure a dildo is clean? "
Agreed!
You may have been right about him, but that doesn't mean his request was out of line.
I was raised Mormon too, and who really cares about truth applied to a religion that was founded on a liar, propagated by liars, and is practiced by an odd mix of the desparate, the brainwashed, the bigoted, and the.... Liars!
As an ex-mormon (ptl! (praise the lesbians)) I'm not surprised at their ability to drum up money. I mean, they don't drink, smoke, engage in premarital sex, etc., what else are they going to do with their money? (I say: buy birth control.)
The problem with this tactic is that many people who support prop 8 (including Mormons) aren't too hot on interracial marriage, either. Not that they can say so out loud (anymore. But just take a look at their not-so-colorful history).
It sounds like she is already balancing her religious beliefs with compassion and love for individuals. I'd say that makes her a pretty Christ-like Christian. We could use a whole lot more of that variety of Christian.
Tolerance certainly comes with proximity. I would hope BBIB would learn to tolerate her beliefs (despite his disagreement with them) the way she tolerates his lifestyle and sexual orientation (despite her disagreement with them.)
Perhaps it's you, Dan, and not SHEESH who's got some kind of undisclosed drama going on. Maybe you're making an example out of SHEESH for some reason that's not immediately apparent to your readers.
Or you could have been drunk when writing the column...
Dan, I'm surprised at you. Shouldn't safety come first?
I was really surprised at the harshness of your comments to SHEESH. As I read the letter the first time, and then again after reading your answer, I found the writer to be someone who is sincerely bewildered by the sudden turn of events and simply looking for some closure.
(a) SHEESH did not "have his dispute carried into [your] column". YYOOUU published it, Dan. HOW'D THAT HAPPEN?!
(b) And how 'bout this third explanation: the dominatrix is a psycho who is knowingly attempting to infect her clients. Not even a possibility, Dan? Should we learn from this to "take our chances" with foreign dildoes? Nice!
So yes, I think his request was valid, but it was poorly timed, and definitely topping from the bottom. "Wash it with bleach in front of me" is not a suitable request for a sub once you're into a scene.
Now, everyone who engages in sex should take care of their sexual health, which includes monitoring what gets inserted into them. How does one do that when you've paid someone money to take away your control? And if you're not sure, I know you've got plenty of people to call for advice. So why did you withhold it from him? Is this _your_ way of playing the Pro-Dom???
KC - So you can't decide on bondage or a Pulitzer- check out Xtube for all the amateurs who are showing it ALL for free
Now, Dan my have become my new HERO -what a wonderful "spokes gay " for us . My partner and I have been together since 1968-and were married in San Francisco City Hall in July. We will prevail in this battle ...
Read the IRS rules. While church advocacy for a *candidate* is categorically forbidden, church advocacy for an *issue* is not. Do you also think the Quaker Church should lose its tax exemption if someone at Meeting stands up and says "There's going to be an anti-war protest next Saturday, meet at City Hall"? Should a synagogue lose its tax exemption if the rabbi asks members to support legislation to ensure that mohels will still be allowed to perform circumcisions in people's homes?
Why? If you support gay marriage, you are in no way lucky to have people voting against gay marriage, no matter how nice they are about it. If anything, it's worse. People like her who preach their pseudo-tolerant bullshit lend the Prop 8s of the world an air of legitimacy that Fred Phelps never could. Sane people don't really pay attention to the "god hates fags" stuff, but "love the sinner, hate the sin" just sounds so warm and cuddly. It rationalizes bigotry.
I think the religious right has been allowed to make politics with impunity, so I glad to see them called out from behind their pews. True Christians do not condemn, or criticize others and they don't pay others to do it for them
A sub should NEVER be put at risk to contract an STD purely for the comfort of the Dom. Safe sex is always a right, not a privelege, not something to be compromised on.
A "synagogue losing its tax exemption if the rabbi asks members to support legislation to ensure that mohels will still be allowed to perform circumcisions in people's homes" Is not the same thing as a tax exempt church using its vast tax free network of churches and printing presses to LOBBY to eliminate the rights of a minority. For anyone else to fight such an onslaught have to pay dearly to even put such a network together, not to mention we would have to pay taxes on all of it.
You need read the IRS rules, they can't LOBBY.
The "topping from the bottom" problem is when subs are nitpicky and try to direct all the action ("I like the rope around my wrists five times, not four"). Asking for basic assurance of personal health and safety is not the same as that, and if people start calling it "topping from the bottom," you might as well throw out all guidelines around BDSM, since it's supposed to be SAFE.
The guy sounds like he's pissed that she overreacted and he's kinda passively-aggressively trying to get back at her. That seems like his only problem, not that he was being unreasonable with his request. I can't blame him though, I'd want to do the same thing.
I come from the Bitchy Jones school of BDSM though, so I'd rather everyone wash their hands of it. Feminization and Very Important Capitalized Pronouns, ugh.
I have been thinking about this for a day now and just getting angrier. Dan's bitch slap can only have had the rotten effect of making subs, already fairly vulnerable, reluctant to raise legitimate concerns about safety.
"When do I get to vote on YOUR marriage?"
I can't speak for every Domme out there, but *I* would never use an uncovered toy on a sub/client.
I don't know why he didn't just ASK the Domme what happened! She was likely planning to cover it and got annoyed by him "questioning" her judgment!
The whole idea of submitting is to do as the Mistress says, if you do not want to go there, just say so.
Since you didn't respect the Domina's wishes, it sounds like you deserved what you got, SHEESH!
SO WHAT? This is why he is PAYING her for her time! Sure she has the right to terminate the contract, but he also has the right to demand a clean dildo. This isn't a lovey-dovey snuggle-fest. He is not her boyfriend. We are talking about a business arrangement. If she isn't able to accept that the people who need to pay for sex generally have issues, then maybe she is in the wrong business.
And before someone jumps on me for generalizing about people who pay for sex: nothing personal, we all have issues. If you are paying for sex, odds are your issues have to do with sex. That's all.
I thought sub/dom was supposed to be a trusting relationship, with the sub's safety and security in mind?
no one should have to apologize for protecting themselves against possible FUCKING STDs on a dildo that could have been up some stranger's ass. no matter what the "scene". when health comes into play, everything should stop.
Whether she's pro or whatever, if their relationship was all it's cracked up to be, she should have been willing and caring enough to give that peace-of-mind to SHEESH, and then promptly returned to abusing him and treating him like shit or whatever else it was he got off on.
Dan, is there something else in the letter you're not sharing with us that caused you to respond so harshly?
also, maybe he wrote you to get some advice so he would know what to expect from the next Dom he subs with? not necessarily a passive-aggressive play to get you to dress Her down in your column.
What an awful thing to call him, first of all. Since you made assumptions about his motivations, I'm going to make one about yours: it feels very attention-getting for the sake of attention-getting. Very "Oh look, I'm Dan Savage and people pay attention when I say extreme things." For shame, Dan. You say some wonderful things. That op-ed you wrote for the New York Times was brilliant. This response was not.
Second, I don't think it's manipulative to believe so strongly in your right to know the situation you're in is safe and ask for what you need to make that happen, that you want to write a public letter about it.
I think if the domme felt uncomfortable with his request, given their relationship, she should have ended the scene and then negotiated with him a healthy way to navigate something like that in the future. Since that's not her style, it sounds like this wasn't the right domme for him. But that does not make him a piece of shit.
As for dildo-guy.... Dan, don't you think you were hard on him? Yeah, it's crappy that he's all, "And she reads your column," but anonymous sex is risky enough - someone who refused to reassure me that her sex tools were hygienic would lose my business anyway. Seems to me that if you're in the sex trade, you should be willing to go out of your way to demonstrate your extra care - because that, not extra kinkiness, would attract more business.
What an awful thing to call him, first of all. Since you made assumptions about his motivations, I'm going to make one about yours: it feels very attention-getting for the sake of attention-getting. Very "Oh look, I'm Dan Savage and people pay attention when I say extreme things." For shame, Dan. You say some wonderful things. That op-ed you wrote for the New York Times was brilliant. This response was not.
Second, I don't think it's manipulative to believe so strongly in your right to know the situation you're in is safe and ask for what you need to make that happen, that you want to write a public letter about it.
I think if the domme felt uncomfortable with his request, given their relationship, she should have ended the scene and then negotiated with him a healthy way to navigate something like that in the future. Since that's not her style, it sounds like this wasn't the right domme for him. But that does not make him a piece of shit.
I do not think it was the fact that the request was made, JM, but moreso the fact that he violated the terms of their contract and refused to give up on it.
Pretty much this is what it comes down to: before entering into the scenerio it is important to make sure the person you are hiring is clean and responsible BEFORE beginning your session. This isn't your average "hire a prostitute" situation. This man was hiring a woman, under contract, to dominate and humiliate him. So once that gear is on, once that door is closed, those are the terms you must abide by. Have any doubts? Want to make sure she cleans all her tools? (because, frankly, a dildo is not the only dom-gear that can spread infections) ASK HER BEFOREHAND. And don't give me "I didn't know it would come up". You should have properly researched how these things worked before jumping in if that is the case.
If she were to stop what she was doing to reassure him of whether or not her dildo was cleaned it would have completely destroyed the atmosphere of control. The session would have been compromised. So it was either her doing what she did, or giving up her power- which is what her entire point is.
This guy was a douche. Not because he wanted to be clean, but because he didn't even think to ask about her cleaning habits or how responsible she was BEFORE signing that contract or winding up in that situation.
She had every right to do what she did. And this is coming from someone who thinks being responsible and safe in sex-play is of the highest priority. I don't wait until after the guy fucks me to ask "So hey, got any STDs?" I ask BEFOREHAND.
I don't think the Mormons have been as careful as you think. They instructed members via an hour-long message that went out to churches in Utah, Hawaii, and Idaho as well as California to contribute money directly to assist Prop. 8 and to volunteer.
I suggest you take a look at http://www.mormonsstoleourrights.com/
which looks more closely at this issue, and determines that at the very least the church failed to comply with even minimal reporting requirements, and absolutely violated the spirit of the law, if not the letter of the law.
No matter how careful you think they are by not violating the letter of the law, I would not be surprised if it was there violating the spirit of the law that will be enough to undo them.
Even before Prop. 8 you were getting sloppy on calls to the podcast, forgetting important details and not even bothering to go over the details again when formulating your answer, and in some cases even criticizing callers for not including information they clearly stated in the beginning of their calls.
As someone that only recently started listening to the podcast, I caught up by listening to all of them over the period of about a week, and there is a noticeable drop in your level of interest over the last several months. Now I think your disinterest is just turning to hostility.
If you don't care about the people that call and write to you anymore, at least have the decency to not hurt them.
.... cue full metal jacket with dildoes ....
You should have said something along these lines: "SHEESH, you should always negotiate such requests in advance, and this issue was foreseeable. But given that the dom introduced the dildo in the middle of the action, you were reasonable in asking for a sterile one. Sounds like you and the dom are not on the same wavelength, and you're better off parting. And dom, next time, use a condom, or take steps in advance to assure your client you're being safe."
Kudos for your appearance on Anderson Cooper 350. Not only did you articulate the legal case for freedom of marriage perfectly (yes, Loving v. Virginia as a perfect example of the Court's existing to overturn tyranny by majority), but I loved it when Tony Perkins had to resort to kvetching about you interrupting him. What? He thought he'd get fewer interruptions from Ann Coulter?
Here's a question about the "kids need a mother and a father" argument. When my grandmothers were widowed before their children were grown, should the government have stepped in and split up their sons and daughters among foster families headed by married couples? And would it have been appropriate to remove them from any of those settings in the event that Mom or Pop Foster met an untimely end?
Sincerely,
Audrey Rasmusson, Esq.
Pittsburgh, PA
He missed a step... one that includes diplomacy... perhaps asking about her sterile proceedures for her sex paraphernalia.
I can see how she would be insulted. By not asking if the item was sterilized, and instead asking to watch it be sterilized, it implys that he wouldn't have taken her word if she simply told him the dildo would be (or had been) sterilized.
Ouch.
Bullshit. They hadn't discussed dildo training in the preliminaries; she sprang it on him. Cut this guy a break; he just wanted to be safe. You can quibble that his reaction wasn't exactly the right ettiquette, but the fact that she sprang this on him in the middle of a scene and then got all indignant with him means that she's the asshole, not him.
And Dan: You over-reacted. Just because he says the Domme reads your column doesn't mean he was being all passive-aggressive. He may have partly wanted to reach her, but so what? I mean, he was still asking a legitimate question. How many other sex advice columns could he have gone to? Jeeez!
You were great on Anderson Cooper. It's so important for Americans to be exposed to a counterbalance to the right-wing pro-prop 8 talking heads. Thanks for presenting a logical, rational, well-reasoned argument in such a cool-headed manner.
He should have asked for it to be boiled or disinfected by some other means, and it definitely should have been used with a condom.
Best
K