Comments
Please wait...
Comments are closed.
Commenting on this item is available only to members of the site. You can sign in here or create an account here.
is a proud member of the
media network
media network
All contents © Index Newspapers LLC
800 Maynard Ave S, Suite 200, Seattle, WA 98134
800 Maynard Ave S, Suite 200, Seattle, WA 98134
Indeed: online dating: caveat emptor.
I, too, have survived testicular cancer with one ball remaining. I think it took me a month before I could comfortably touch my own sac without recoiling. Now, it's nothing unusual.
Wife 1 is still with me. Wife 2 was impregnated after the surgery. The girlfriend on the side (who I didn't start banging until after the surgery) hasn't complained.
Sure, I'm not gay or bi or otherwise interested in having sex with men, but I don't see the situation as being any different in this regard.
I would seriously consider the prosthetic nut if it had been offered to me when we scheduled my surgery. I was a little shocked when it was finally decided to yank it out so I didn't ask about one (besides, the only prosthetic I knew about was marketed for use in animals). The nice thing about having both nads in the package is that they help keep each other in their proper place. With only one, it tends to move slightly off axis a little more often than I'd like. It's not painful, but feels a little weird.
I like how this week is bookended with stories of idiocy.
http://buttercuppunch.wordpress.com/2008…
http://buttercuppunch.wordpress.com/2008…
http://www.newscientist.com/article/dn11…
Y'all be careful.
I say the photos are a red herring. He's using them as an excuse to dump her, whether they were actually misleading or not. The truth is he's an asshat -- he not only used a woman for sex, he actually wrote into a sex columnist about her in order to make himself feel like the bomb about it. Here's hoping he becomes the victim of some kind of frosh-hop hazing incident.
Jane - You read that very differently than I did... ESOC doesn't "want to be tied down" by what turned out to be an ugly girl. I'd bet he was totally willing back when he thought she was hot. But since she turned out not to be what he expected, he wants an out, and "I'm starting college, I need freedom" makes for a pretty good one.
If you don't want to be with someone - because they're fat, skinny, stupid, smart, or pink or green or whatever - then don't be with them!
You don't need an excuse! It's your own life.
The idea that someone had an obligation to STAY with a person they texted for a few weeks and then had sex with - it's repulsive!
(Same if they even got married, when you come to that...)
Being tied down to anyone when in college is idiotic, by the way.
Cheers.
www.officialdatingresource.com/beware-th…;;
Moreover, feel free to check out this example:
http://img17.imageshack.us/img17/8645/sc…
I'm LMAO at your advice to the 2nd and 3rd letters though. Hilarious, but VERY real and true!
AS for the bi-girl, I think that those kind of truths must be said at a fairly early stage of the relationship the first 3 days let us say, by withholding this information can be at best described as non transparent relationship syndrom, if not outward dishonesty. I think the future ex BF should confront her (her search for women was in the public).
There is nothing more demeaning, sad and infuriating when at the end of an evening and when you prompt the question my place or yours to hear : 1- you are not my type, 2-You are too old (at 38) 3.. I do not fuck decaying meat (at 35) 4-... your place because I am married... and my question is honesty an over rated virtue nowadays?
You think he's an asshat because he fucked her even though he wasn't attracted to her. And he "used her for sex", wow that's comically naive - have you ever been on a date, it happens all the time, i.e. beer goggles.
The simple truth is misrepresenting yourself online by posting a photo taken at a complementary angle, or with shadows in the right places, or is out of date, is misleading and COMPLETELY unfair. Anyone that does use faux photos and then gets dumped when a face to face meeting occurs is just asking for it. The lesson here is - no matter how well you connected via emails and IM'g, even if they lead to declarations of love, if your photos don't look like you in real life, your going to get DUMPED, period.
BTW, I know I’ll get the wraith of fat chicks but they're the biggest offenders of the online faux photos scam.
http://tinyurl.com/
its free and easy to use.
http://tinyurl.com/
its free and easy to use.
Good to read you, beautiful one. Take care.
k
I learned not to trust pictures, so it was always refreshing when you met someone and could recognize them because their picture was current and representative.
And the writer is an asshat for screwing her without telling her that he's just looking for some fun before leaving for school. Odds are that she was hoping he was going to be around for some long-term screwing since he had spent 3 months texting her.
That being said, call me an asshole, but if I discovered my man had only one ball, it'd be a big turn-off. If the guy were amazing and we had a great connection however, I'd be able to see past the Uni-ball... unless of course Uni-ball also had a micro-penis. Here's to hoping that this guy is hung like a horse!
I don't understand your reference to a prosthetic testicle as a "ridiculous ball implant." My husband had one testicle removed 20 years ago, and a prosthesis was inserted at that time. I honestly can't tell the real one from the fake, by sight or texture. It wouldn't have bothered me in the least if he had chosen not to get the prosthesis, but it was his body and his choice. And HTMIUTB, it was your body and your choice, and you did what was right for you. But when you dismiss a prosthetic testicle as a "ridiculous ball implant," you give people facing testicular surgery the impression that the artificial nut is odd-looking (it's not)or obvious (it's not).
Sure, disclosure and honesty is good with online dating, but profiles (social networks, dating sites etc.) are designed to feature the best/most attractive/smart things about us. Last time I checked “So, how do you really get along with your dad?” and “How bad are you at math, exactly?” and “What feature do you consider your weakest” aren’t questions on any online dating form. (I don’t think anyone has their “hung over, unwashed on a Saturday am” pic as their profile photo, come on!)
We’re talking about two kids who met on facebook or whatever here, put it in perspective. Sounds like this guy spent the weekend trying to adjust to her looking different because he had begun to have feelings for her and just ended up realizing he couldn’t. Hard lesson learned.
First writer was a jerk for giving the impression he wanted something longterm by texting 3 months before meeting? Um, that's a hell of a lot of effort for a hookup. Stupid to sleep with someone who'll feel entangled and you don't like though--but hey, they're kids.
Tied down in college is bad? I started a 6 year relationship at 18 with BF#1. Totally wonderful experience.
Speaking as someone in her 50s, I met someone on line once who looked EXACTLY like his picture (or maybe he hadn't even posted a picture, I don't remember). We emailed each other back & forth for close to an hour the night before our date (this is back in the dark ages, I know, pre-text), & he seemed witty, charming, and wonderful, someone who really "got" me. I met him in person (MY picture looked exactly like me, probably even less flattering than it needed to be because I photograph so badly), and he was hostile, insulting, creepy, and obsessed with talking about how awful his ex-wife had been. Had he "misrepresented" himself the night before? Or was I supposed to understand that whatever either of us said electronically, IT DIDN'T COUNT until we met, because, unless I planned never to spend time in the same room with him, what really matters is the face to face (or body to body).
Of course people should post accurate pictures, and I thought Dan was especially smart about saying that when ESOC had sex with that poor girl, he was telling her that he was attracted to HER and that the pictures didn't matter. But the 3 months of texting also created an emotional relationship that ultimately didn't have any basis. Insecure adults want to "correspond" before meeting, as do shy teens, and I get the appeal--but it's a dangerous road, because what you learn is COMPLETELY without foundation. (I suppose if someone emails you something really creepy, that might be a good indication that they are a creep, but even then, you might just have misunderstood their sense of humor...)
I actually think that's true of pictures, too--even if someone looks exactly like a picture, you might be attracted to the person and not the image; or vice versa.
I've since had sex with another sweet kind guy who had lost a ball to a cancer scare. I like balls, but unless it's your specific fetish, who cares!
Why bother pretending to be something you're not on the Internet? Unless you're just in it for cybersex, eventually you'll meet in person, when it will become abundantly clear that you aren't who you claim to be. The other person will be rightly mistrustful, and you'll end up having wasted the time it took to get them to meet you in the first place.
You're much better off being *exactly* who you really are online. You'll get a lot more initial rejections, but those will be rejections prior to any real effort on your part. Put another way, if someone doesn't like who or what you are, they're going to reject you eventually. You're best off getting that rejection before you've invested any time in that person.
Which isn't to say that you should send folks your hungover picture, or tell them about your last awful breakup. Just make sure that the person you present online is the same person they're going to meet and hopefully fuck in the future.
I implemented this strategy the last time I was single, and it worked out great. I got shot down a few dozen times or so, but those all occurred after maybe thirty minutes of back-and-forth emailing, before I really gave a damn. I also met my current girlfriend, who thinks I'm hot (I'm not) and made of pure awesome (I'm not). So our relationship is great: I can be exactly who I am and she fucks me anyway.
Talk online only as long as it takes to make sure the person isn't a psycho (more than an hour, less than a week), and never get sucked into declarations of everlasting love (or even that you're "dating") sight unseen. Keep everything as casual as possible until you actually see how you sync up in person.
You should only be making a quick check to see if you'd like to meet this person in real life, not waiting to make sure they're your absolute soul mate before you finally get to consummate your love on your very first meeting. Or some shit like that.
Once I was able to get away to college and figure out who I really was and meet people who knew nothing about me, things got much easier. I can tell you now I've had partners that never even noticed I only had one testicle, and none have ever admitted being weirded out or turned off by it. A tiny minority of gay guys might care and absolutely no girls will.
I'd bet once the action starts happening, no partner is going to bolt. Sure there can be a weird stigma when people discuss it (see Lance Armstrong) but when it comes down to performance, you only need one piston to fill the cylinder.
Better yet, why did Dan answer these easy no-brainer questions?
Where they---balls---there and I didn't see them? Did they ever drop? Did he have them removed? I'll never know.
For one-nut EPOC : If you care to adopt a wicked sense of humor, don't mention the missing testicle. Then when a lover mentions it, act startled and say "What? Where did it go?"
That said, this kid really shouldn't have slept with the girl that he thought would be a hottie and turned out to be a nottie. But he did. And that sucks. But in the end, it's a good learning experience for her - lord knows I learned it - that lots of people out there will be unscrupulous to get laid. So hopefully she'll be a little more savvy next time and be better able to weed out some of the unscrupulous ones. But our guy will be doing her a favor if he TELLS her (and easy does it on that one) that her photos were a little misleading. It might keep her from getting disappointment - or worse, more of the same - next time.
Then again, they are young, they had sex (hopefully with protection), they have regrets. Welcome to life. That's what being young and inexperienced is about.
As for pictures, our situation worked in the reverse of most; I sent him two or three current ones, which he liked right off, and I somehow thought that the photos he sent of himself didn't do him justice (as it turns out, he doesn't usually photograph well). And I was right. We had a romantic and sex-filled first weekend together, and that was 5 1/2 years ago.
Moral of the story for EPOC and the girl? Be honest, post current and natural photos (don't go to GlamourShots or a makeup artist first, for god's sake), don't "name" the relationship until you've at least met once...and if a first meet doesn't create any sparks, don't be afraid to cut your losses and say, "Sorry, I guess I'm not that interested."
Scott
San Francisco
To HTMIUTB, prostheses have come a long way since they used to use sterilized ping-pong balls. A "ridiculous ball implant" is nothing compared to ridiculous cancer. I imagine that as you move through life, you'll make your peace with your new lighter load; but if not, do consider a state-of-the-art implant.
I was with a guy who's balls were to either side of his dick, rather than the "normal" configuration of under-the-dick. It was weird and unexpected, but it didn't change that he was hot and hard as a rock.
Besides, having one ball probably isn't as big a drop as "I don't have a dick, by the by." /That one/ sends people for a loop, "I only have one ball" will probably be met with "Oh. So?" Try not to let it rattle your self-confidence.
I doubt that most of your partners will care, and some might not even notice. I think delivering a matter-of-fact "public service announcement" before you get naked is fine if you're worried about a guy having a negative reaction in the middle of sex, but there's no need to talk about the cancer unless and until you want to. There may be a few guys who will be turned off, but just about all of us have some physical feature that would be a turn-off for some guys.
I'd be concerned less about what your dates think, than about how you are adjusting to this change. Losing a testicle to a life-threatening illness sounds really traumatic. Talk to your friends, find a shrink, get some counseling at the hospital where you had the procedure done, or whatever. You may need some extra support right now, especially since you've also just ended a relationship. In any case, you've got a lot more to offer both in bed and in a relationship than what's in your ball sac.
Great advice as always, Dan.
I love this column!!!
As far as @victims are us, what does 'the men some lesbian-identified women insist on fucking' mean? Funny... has the phrase 'the woman some gay-identified men insist on fucking', or 'the men some straight-identified men insist on fucking', or 'the women some straight-identified women insist on fucking' ever appeared in this column.. and again.. what does that mean... (particularly in light of dan's views on bisexuals..)
Go back to your kidporn and stay there.
And the "wraith" of fat chicks? Look out Rocket Man! The ghosts of fat chicks past are coming to get you!
Thank you for putting a huge smile on my face. I needed that today.
And Dan, I second #52's motion! Please, please, please.
Two words: cervical cancer. If a guy gets an HPV infection he might get a little bump on his penis. If a woman gets an HPV infection and lets it go untreated (a la no Pap smear) she could die of cancer.
Lesbians do other things OTHER than eating each other such as using toys. If toys are not cleaned properely after sharing (boiling them) or heaven forbid they go ass to mouth or pussy without cleaning the toy there can be dire consequences. Many, many infectious diseases can be caught this way, not to mention STIs.
Re Mr. Uniball -- having only one testicle seems like such an incredibly minor issue. If I were in the market again, there are much, much bigger issues that I would care about first. Kindness, compassion, responsibility, confidence/humour... As far as physical attraction, while I quite enjoy fondling the nutsack, I can't imagine that it would make any difference at all whether there were one or two in there, sort of like whether he had five freckles or six on his back. It's just not relevant.
@93, yes, HIV is blood borne and women menstruate, but its also vaginal fluid borne and vaginal fluid is pretty much a given. Women could pass HIV, hep B, syphilis, conceivably hep C thru toy sharing (don't do it) or even oral sex, but the risk is much reduced because of the lower STI prevalence in other lesbians and reduced efficiency--men give an hiv injection, there's a lot less hiv around on even a shared dildo or in a vagina and its not deposited as well, hence the lower transmission rate female to male.
Christ on a Crutch, ESOC, get over your conceited self. You are not her only reason for living; she only met you last week. Pretty soon, she'll find another goob who wouldn't insist on meeting sooner.
2. Balls v Breasts
Christ on a Crane, kids. America objectifies boobs more than it worships money and Mustang convertibles. Of course it's harder to lose a breast than it is to lose a ball.
My partner frequently sucks dildo. If people engage in unprotected analingus, what make you think they don't suck dildos after using them for anal penetration?
What can occur from ingesting fecal matter? All kinds of fun things, like emptying your stomach at an alarming rate in two directions at once. Yuck.