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800 Maynard Ave S, Suite 200, Seattle, WA 98134
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If an undercover cop, posing as an escort, is hired and no sex is involved, where does the money end up going? Does the undercover cop get to keep it? Does it go back to the person who paid it? To the police coffers? The escort agency?
http://www.wired.com/wired/archive/9.12/…
Not every guy who's a 30-year-old, awkward, gf-less virgin has Asperger's Syndrome....but some do. The results may help you understand yourself in ways you don't right now. Also, listen to Dan's advice - he's absolutely right.
poopnoodle- i do not underatnd you dumbshit kids these days
AAA- do you have normal conversations with guys? could be you are gay. test the theory, embrace homosexuality just for a bit, it might be the right fit for you.
FIP- go to a frat party, find a bed, have a nap. you'll have a gang-fondle in no time flat
fondling- ooh yeah!
poopnoodle- i do not understand you dumbshit kids these days
AAA- do you have normal conversations with guys? could be you are gay. test the theory, embrace homosexuality just for a bit, it might be the right fit for you.
FIP- go to a frat party, find a bed, have a nap. you'll have a gang-fondle in no time flat
fondling- ooh yeah!
Keep it up! The bing bang boom style will keep me coming back :)
Here's a really good link on what a cream pie is.
http://lmgtfy.com/?q=cream+pie
Let's ask the WHAT IF machine!
Fear it! Fear the poopnoodle!
Now I gotta figure out how to work fucking a tub of frosting into said novella.
This is one of the main reasons why pot remains illegal.
Also, I can think of nothing hotter than fondling someone out of slumber. Say it out loud & odds are your SO will be thrilled to have a green light.
Finally: A condom can protect you from the fictional poopnoodle and the actual HIV...brilliant!
however, #19's comment did make me LOL.
Dan's advice about seeing a shrink, sadly, is probably correct - although there's a limit to what medications can do in place of self-confidence. Otherwise, I think @14 has it right; AAA needs to do this the hard way. I've found it much easier to ask for dating advice from female friends; just make sure they're not going to gossip to all of their friends about the 30-year-old virgin they know.
I have to say that I find dating as a goal-oriented activity to be a horrendous bore, but having good friends who sometimes turn into love interests is not.
Then, this morning, the morning wood did not go to waste!
Are you a "dominatrix" as such?
No.
You're just one guy's dream come true apparently ;-) (Well done, and enjoy your adventurous action together!)
The same might hold true (probably for less money) if you have a no-possibility-of-going-anywhere female friend (lesbian, happily married, whatever). Aspies in particular can be freaked out or upset by a completely "new" situation, so a low-pressure dress rehearsal, especially with someone willing to (gently) critique you afterward, can be invaluable.
Also, when you do feel ready for the real thing, you might try dating someone of a geekish persuasion. Even if she is not herself an Aspie, she's probably used to dealing with them (there is a significant overlap between sets), so she's less likely to be upset or freak out or otherwise reject you if you're a little awkward. Standard be-an-interesting-person advice applies, of course, but geeks often have somewhat different standards of "interesting", too.
You have to start by having conversations with women. This is NOT just a sex thing. This is a life thing. This could be a career thing. You've got to be able to talk to women because they're half the world.
Before you look into paying an escort, I'd actually try having conversations with women. Not picking up girls -- talk to your co-workers. Talk to your friends' girlfriends.
(If indeed it's "talking to women" that's your problem. From your letter I wasn't sure if you were exaggerating and you just freeze up when you see a woman you might be interested in. If it's that, then I guess do what I did -- screw up your courage, say some ridiculous thing, learn to do better next time. I actually asked the same guy out three times and the third time was the start of an incredible relationship. So mistakes really are the portals of discovery.)
But not once have I ever considered that anything but vanilla. I always thought it was sort of de rigueur - whoever woke up first got the party rolling.
Police stings don't work that way. The person responding to an ad for an escort (be it on CL, BackPage, etc.) is arrested generally upon arrival at the meeting location, as the ads are generally explicit enough that LE can charge you for even responding to the ad in person.
Stings involving street prostitutes work differently, in that the undercover police officer will absolutely not get in the John's vehicle, ever. Generally they obtain PC by repeatedly asking you "What do you want to do?" and "How much do you have?".
If you wish to seek out a escort, Get a membership in a escort review board that reviews escorts. And pick one that has great reviews and a proven and reasonably long track record. It's well worth the $50 bucks or so to sign up.
Escorts that have proven track records are definityly not cops and are great providers, pleasant fun and give great sex
can get it into a dictionary.
The fourth result I got was hilarious:
"Overbeating may cause cream pie to separate"
*snicker*
This guy does not sound like he's got Aspergers at all, particularly since it's only women that he's anxious about. He doesn't say any of the stuff that makes Aspergers special (such as he can't figure out how to identify what emotions other people are feeling). His complaint is not that he can't understand people, it's that he's terrified to be in the same room as women.
There's nothing in this letter to indicate Aspergers. It sounds more like a whole lot of anxiety, which is severely impacting his life, and is certainly cause to go see a shrink.
he's been seeing a therapist and recently learned a simple meditation, both of which help, especially with confidence. I have hopes he will emerge from this a happy, loving sexual being. Recommending therapy, Dan, is right on; "practice-dating" a sexworker is also a great idea.
While his "complaint" only addressed his problem with women, he is writing to a sex advice columnist - for advice about sex. I'm guessing most people who write to Dan wouldn't be asking for advice about stimming, meltdowns, problems managing eye contact, etc., so I wouldn't expect to see that level of detail in a question to Dan.
Look, if you'd like to read a ton of posts that sound astonishingly similar to AAAs, take a swing by the Wrong Planet website (online community for people on the spectrum). The "Love and Dating" forum is crammed with them.
@49, up to 40% of men diagnosed as "love shy" actually have Asperger's Syndrome. I have no idea about your friend, or about his therapist's level of knowledge on the subject. I'd encourage him to take the test. Depending on his AQ, he may want to get himself to a teaching hospital for an accurate diagnosis. Good luck.
#33, this is so off topic but Amy Tan's Hundred Secret Senses employed the alarm cock phrase too and I have loved it ever since then. I haven't read any of her books since high school... thanks for bringing her to mind. x)
But conversationally? They have minds, just like yours. Well, not like yours. Better than yours. Yours is full of stupid thoughts like "I can't talk to women".
poopnoodle, why
really wouldn't have it any other way
but when i first saw u couldn't hide my attraction,
girl u look like u can make my dreams come true
cuz what we share in secret glances and makes me wonder bout a brand new world with u
and why does the time crawl by
when i'm waiting waiting
for this lifetime of mine
to turn around
He still needs to see a shrink prolly, since that isn't as easy as saying "dude, snap out of it and just treat "women" as "people.""
But yes. I wonder if he has the same difficulties talking to women he does not find attractive, or if he ever even attempts to talk to women he doesn't find attractive.
Women are unquestionably different from men in terms of our cultural context. Because the sexes are treated differently by society and fiction tends to reduce women to objects and caricatures, I can see how somebody without any close female figures in his life would be incapable of understanding that ladies are pretty chill and normal on the balance.
Remember, this isn't just social anxiety or general shyness: "I've never even had a conversation with a woman that lasted longer than a couple of minutes" is completely beyond the pale.
I'd say it's more aggressive than _you_ think. Do you really think that trying to scold and berate people out of their genuinely felt phobias is an effective technique? Because that's what that post is doing. You might as well tell a depressed person "Just cheer the fuck up already, you whiner; lots of people have it worse than you."
AAA sounds a bit like me in my 30s. I was partly "cured" by just repeatedly diving into that freezing pool, no matter how painful.
The shrink method certainly works: years later during other therapy I could see my original problem: my dating awkwardness wasn't shyness at all. It was actually complicated ...but mostly huge buried anger over childhood abuse issues. Vy do you hate your mutter? Bingo.
Hilarity level of this week's letters: 11.
Best definition ever - make it official, Dan!
It's an entirely different condition.
And the LW could indeed have Asperger Syndrome, though based off of what he wrote, nobody could tell he does ---- or doesn't.
Obviously, the existence of the book does not equal fact... it's still in hypothesis stage...
She does make a compelling case, though.
A man doesn't have to believe women are "different" from men in any significant way to be nervous about talking to women, but not nervous about talking to men. Because when a man talks to men, unless he's in a gay bar, he isn't going to be perceived as trying to pick them up. The same is true with women talking to men.
Approaching someone in a "romantic" way, which is what the letter-writer wants to do, is completely different than approaching someone in a friendly way. And approaching someone in a friendly way, when you believe that they might interpret your approach as a come-on, is completely different than approaching someone in a friendly way without having that fear.
I'm a gay man, and I feel very different about striking up a conversation with a man in a non-gay environment (ie, somewhere that isn't a gay bar, a pride parade, a party thrown by a gay friend with mostly gay people in attendance) than I do about striking up a conversation with a woman in the same environment. I find there's often a difference in how you're perceived in those situations.
One last thing - if you know nothing about social anxiety, or fear of romantic rejection, please refrain from giving advice to someone with these problems. Saying to the letter-writer, "Just talk to lots of women and you won't be bothered by it anymore," is sort of like saying to an alcoholic, "Just cut yourself off after you've had a few drinks, and you won't lose control."
ADHD is NOT on the Autism spectrum. Read the DSM-IV, will you?
Or at least find a cited psychatric/pychological link to back up that claim.
Your letter sounds just like me, except that instead of reminding me of Clark Kent, my Bend Over Boyfriend looks like George Bush (except a very hot version).
When we broke up briefly I discovered that I was no longer vanilla but was not necessarily his kind of kinky. I was attracted to Tantra (sacred sexuality) and when we got back together I turned HIM onto it. Now half the time we play his games and half the time mine. We both think this has enhanced our sex lives.
I'm going to add to Dan's sex worker advice. You don't need a girlfriend right now. What you need to do is make some female friends. Stop looking at all of them as girlfriends you can't have! Just talk to them. Join some clubs, if you have some introverted type interests, you need to do that type of stuff and if you're a geek, then meet some geeky people, some of whom will be girls. Make female friends you trust who will tell you then forgive you if you make conversational blunders and get used to talking to them. THEN you can test drive a date!
I definitely agree with Dan on the therapist thing. I'm sorry to snap judge, but you appear to have placed females on a Goddess pedastal, but perhaps a vengeful Goddess. Why does talking to us terrify you? What are we going to do to you? Have you ever seen a girl suddenly grab a weapon out of her purse and shoot a male who dared speak to her? I don't mean to be flip, but your fears may not be, to put it delicately, based in current reality. Talking about it may help you see that and dispel them.
I thought Midori Ito was just a championship skater.
Although, I suspect those human turds that come out only after already making a political career out of demonizing (or being complicit with demonizing) the LGBT community will just come to be known as "Mehlmans." (Or maybe just "Republicans"). Except for the ones who never come out. Those will be known as "larrycraigs."
I like Dan's advice, but I also want to urge you to get used to talking to women in non-sexual situations. Try to get friendly with married/happily partnered women you don't find particularly attractive. Or lesbians. Or nuns. If it's clear to both of you that nothing romantic is going on, it will be easier to talk to them. Join a book club where you have to talk to women. Or take dance lessons where you have to touch them. Try to get used to thinking about the person inside that body. Then, after you've seen the shrink and the hooker, you will be much better positioned to meet women whose bodies turn you on, because you will be able to see both the body and the person. Trust me, it will make you much more interesting and desirable to women.
(My oh-so-proper widowed grandmother used to hire male escorts to escort her. She wanted someone to drive her to the theater, and to walk with her on the sidewalk, so she felt safe. She wanted male companionship that DIDN'T come with sexual demands. I'm certain she didn't break any prostitution laws or run much risk of getting busted.)
FIP: I love "middle of the night" sex. I'm not as tired as I am when I go to bed, and there's no deadline re catching a train or generally getting going for the day. It never occurred to me that it's "kinky", and I can't imagine that your partner will be freaked out by the kinkiness of it. Try telling him/her that if he's ever horny in the middle of the night, you'd love to be awakened by his caress. (Of course, if he sleeps like a log, you may just be out of luck.)
Somebody with a serious problem confesses it here and either get's a 'get over yourself', a 'you're weird', a 'you're probably gay' or is even accused of being sexist and his sexism being the cause of why he doesn't talk to women? Come on.
A little bit more empathy would suit some of you and to the person accusing AAA of basically being a sexist pig: if in your world even guys who never had sex in their entire life and don't even talk to women are sexist (for what? for basically never bothering a single female out there?) you should reexamine your own belief system.
From my personal experience many people that suffer from that kind of crippling social anxiety really suffer from Aspergers, ADD or other disorders from the Autism spectrum and the depression and social anxiety are usually comorbidities of those disorders.
Not having sexual or even normal personal relationships is really not that unusual with that kind of disorders. From personal experience I know a lot of people - me being among them - who are basically not that much different from AAA but usually don't talk about it even with their closest friends for fear of exactly the reactions shown in this thread.
I'd suggest to go to a therapist but to one who as a real understanding and knowledge about Aspergers, ADD and other disorders. It doesn't mean you suffer from something like that but it spares you sinking more than five years in useless therapy - like I did - just because your therapist hasn't even heard about those disorders and their symptoms.
If you suffer from more than 'social anxiety', therapy alone will probably not help but has to be supported by medication to be effective.
You could compare it more to someone suffering from a phobia. Someone who has a fear of flying doesn't think "I am not worthy of traveling with this divine machines" either. Relating and talking to unfamiliar people in unfamiliar situations causes exactly the same kind of stress and panic as stepping into an elevator would for somebody that suffers from claustrophobia.
There is strong evidence that this might be the case especially since the neurotransmitter deficiencies are similar in all of those disorders.
Even some symptoms correlate: like the reduced ability of the brain to cope with external stimulus that leads to sensory overload, hypersensitivity and hyperfokus.
Those symptoms are extremely pronounced in Autists, to the point that they have to shut out the external world completely in order to cope but ADD patients suffer from those symptoms albeit in a much milder form.
I have seen ADD patients that completely freaked out because somebody touched them and the sensory overload caused by todays world usually makes them to seek solitude and seclusion, something that often gets labelled as 'social anxiety' but is actually at least similar to the symptoms caused by other disorders from the autism spectrum.