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800 Maynard Ave S, Suite 200, Seattle, WA 98134
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I would add that if he's trans, you mention that bringing a "prosthetic" dick be just as okay since we're still "manly" men too. It may be something he didn't mention but something that could still an aspect of his life.
I wouldn't recommend beating off in the gym shower though. :)
What does fucking a dead bear in the mouth have to do with violence or being a secret killer? This is so emotional and illogical I have to ask if you are you sure that boyfriend is not a woman? (That was for you Hunter- let the flames begin).
On the other guy- chill out and wear a condom and don't worry because everybody sucks at first? What about instructions to watch some educational videos on youporn? I would also make sure you practice, practice, practice on everything EXCEPT intercourse for a while. Once you can get her off with your hand or mouth then slipping some wrapped man meat inside is a whole lot easier- literally and figuratively....
My wife is 10 years older than me and had tons of experience more than me, but I still ended up having to teach her a lot of sex aside from the "lay there like a dead tuna" missionary position.
Wow, you're a douche.
I just love this sentence beginning. It's like the first line of a novel or something.
p.s. if it were me, I would go with the traditional and time-honored caught-male technique and COMPLETELY deny doin' the bear. "What? Are you fucking crazy? What the hell is wrong with you?" Stick with the story and you're good.
jill
http://inbedwithmarriedwomen.blogspot.co…
And douche literally means shower, so it's kind of appropriate
When my nine year old daughter hits sixteen or so (I cringe at the thought), I think I'll give her that advice...but also encourage her to wait as long as possible (18 hopefully?) before going all the way with a partner.
NEWB, do yourself a huge favour and give the concept of manliness a thorough thinking through. If you must have gender essentialism in your life, let it be YOUR OWN gender essentialism. Set your own standards, live up to them as best you can, adjust them when you perceive grounds for improvement, and any partner who tries to mold you into her (or his if you happen to be bi) preferred image earns a DTMFA, which I rarely bestow.
YOu have already shown the capacity to resist societal pressure by refusing to s*-shame your current partner for being more experienced than you, which is, sadly, the course that man males would take. I suspect you can reach at least a point where you don't beat yourself up over this.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EdSq2HB7j…
An easy mistake to make is to wait until you are *just* about to have intercourse to put the condom on. Don't do this! It's an erection killer & in your rush, it becomes easier to apply it incorrectly. Just mess around a lot - some making out, petting, etc. Put the condom on when you're kind of erect, make sure it's snugly on there, & then resume making out/petting/other things that get your blood boiling & really hard. Then go for it.
Practice putting a condom on & masturbating so you can get used to the sensation difference ahead of time.
A few other things I wish I knew when your age:
- Most people (as Dan mentioned) not automatically great at sex when just starting out. An open mind & willingness to try new things will take you far.
- Women (IMO) generally don't get off solely from penetration/fucking. Foreplay is great. & in general, your first few times out, have fun, but have it be more about the journey than the destination.
- Don't be shy about asking her what feels good & what she likes. Don't be shy about giving her the same info about you.
- Hygiene. OMG, you think this would be basic, but it's not. If you smell good, people wanna get closer, & maybe see if you taste good, too. This means a thorough shower, with extra attention to your package area, not throwing on some extra cologne.
- A few candles & decent music work wonders on an everyday environment.
And as mentioned above, try not to beat yourself up over "manliness" or your GF's experience level (you sound OK w/ it, but a little nervous.) *You're* her man, now! & you guys are playing together. You can define roles any way you want. You're young & flexible.
Enjoy yourself & her & play safely.
And thank you, too, Dan, for reminding NEWB to use condoms if he doesn't want to face unwanted pregnancy with his girlfriend later!
"Once you can get her off with your hand or mouth..."?
If a woman comes or not has more to do with her likes/dislikes/hang-ups than with her partners skill. Last week's EAT would still have no PiV sex if her partner had to "give her an orgasm" first with his mouth.
@Eva Hopkins: Good advice. But as my ex said: "Don't call it foreplay." It is fun to fool around in any which way, no matter if PiV sex follows or not.
The advice to practice with a condom is excellent. The advice to stay away from porn is also good. When you're at this stage in learning, porn can give too many misconceptions, too much of an unattainable standard that no one can measure up to. (I can think of other situations where porn is a fine idea, just not this one.)
NEWB has made me think of a good memory: When I was a newbie myself, a young awkward kid like yourself was fingering me when he asked where my clitoris was. It was one of the sweetest questions I've ever heard. I'd never heard the word pronounced before, and I later learned he'd mispronounced it. Not only did I not hold anything against him for having to ask, I thought then and still think he's wonderful. Fumbling awkwardness can work in your favor.
I'm a woman and I lost my virginity late. But I'd done a bunch of reading up on sex. The first time I had sex was with a guy I was indifferent to, and he didn't really do much to help me out. I was just kind of out of sorts the entire time. It wasn't all that pleasant.
However, I got rid of him and met another guy who let me relax and test out all the things I'd read about. My knowledge stunned him, but in a good way ("I had no idea an almost-virgin could be this good at sex"). Things got even better when we started reading the same books. Years after we broke up, we'd still swap tips on books we thought were useful.
So read up. It makes a difference. Approach sex like a really fun science experiment (sexperiment?). Dr. Ruth's "Sex For Dummies" is NOT a book that's heavy on "how-to" but it's great for a refresher course in how the male and female bodies work. She can be a bit prudish in some areas, but the fundamentals are good. Move on to the "instructional" type books from there.
;)
@Approaching40
Not to freak you out, but if you want to tell her this before she has sex, I wouldn't wait until 16. Statistically speaking, that's the age she's most likely to have sex, so there's a good chance it'll be too late.
Plus also, I have no idea what your relationship is like - I'm assuming way better than my relationship with my parents - but I can tell you that the one time my dad tried to talk to me about sex (basically a 'please don't be promiscuous' talk when I was seventeen and had already been sexually active for several years) was completely useless and all I wanted was for it to end. I was completely bewildered why he thought it would mean anything anyway.
Look, that's the kind of thing you want to say early if you want it to make any difference. But if you're anything like the vast majority of fathers and daughters, she might be more comfortable hearing that advice from someone else. I don't know what the situation is with her mother, but if not her then do you have a sister? Everyone can pile on me for being sexist or whatever, but I'd put money on her being more comfortable discussing those things with female relatives rather than male ones.
You know they come with instructions, right? They're in the box.
@ 22
Speaking personally, I'm all about PIV and haaate extended foreplay. But I'm a rarity when it comes to sex, it seems like. Sometimes it does get annoying when everyone's all "women want this, women don't want that" and it's the opposite of how I feel. So thanks for pointing out that there are exceptions.
I wax and I've pretty much never watched a porn. Everyone I know in my generation (I assume we're who you're referring to) chooses their own degree of hair removal based on personal preference.
And I thank Ms Crinoline for the reference to Shirley Valentine. Better to ask where it is than to think it doesn't run as well as a Ford Cortina/Escort.
WRT "good performance" - Every single woman is different. There is no 'practicing your technique' in a vacuum or solo that will help. Nothing but paying attention to your partner's physical response while you are "practicing" together will improve your performance (setting aside dysfunction like PE or ED). Even if she's uncomfortable telling you what to do or talking about what she likes, you can tell from the way she responds - breathing, color, engorgement, lubrication, etc. - whether or not you're getting the job done. And do not expect that what worked for one will work for the next.
The word I hear and like is "massage therapist." Also good, but not my favorite, is "massager."
I had to look up Shirley Valentine, knew I knew that face from somewhere, and was glad to see that Pauline Collins is still around. I recognized her from Upstairs Downstairs and was thrilled to see her connection with both Dr. Whos.
As a straight male, I have to say that the only people who think straight males find Sarah Jessica Parker attractive are NOT straight males.
"And it's not particularly manly to go to someone and basically say, "I'm not going to be good at this for a while.""
Actually, that's *exactly* what my boyfriend did to me, in the early days of our relationship. The fact that he was comfortable enough with himself and his body to say that (and the fact that he was comfortable with being a relatively old virgin - simply because he'd chosen to wait for the "right girl") was pretty damn sexy to me. A hell of a lot sexier, in any case, than other, equally-or-less inexperienced boyfriends that tried to prove their masculinity and confidence by aping scenarios they'd seen in porn rather than listening to or engaging with my needs.
The first time was (adorably) technically inept. We laughed it off, enjoyed the intimacy of silliness, and tried again. We got better. We're still together four years on.
Straight female here, and I'm with you on all counts.
If you go to a massage therapist and get naked, you'll probably be kicked out. If you're lucky, they'll give you a business card for a masseuse.
You want to make the experience better for her if you are fumbling around? Fumble your tongue around her clit. Oral sex goes a long way. Don't get too caught up with your dick-skill, you have hands and a mouth. When you are older you can even buy toys to add to the fun.
Advice from this lesbian: dicks are great, but we can buy them. They aren't the be-all and end-all of a sexual encounter. Stop worrying and enjoy your bodies (safely). Let her teach you, and if she doesn't want to teach you- then she isn't very adventurous.
Rather than telling her that you're not that good (yet), tell her that you reject the idea of bringing past partners' preferences into your relationship and she should be prepared to help you in working from a clean slate, so to speak.
I'm a few decades further along than you (quite a few, actually, so stay off my lawn, kid!) and I find that starting fresh with each partner is appreciated much more than bringing a well developed repertoire into the sack.
I don't think it's really an age thing. Jullianne Moore, Helle Berry, Julia Roberts and Catherine Zeta Jones (to name a few) are all over 40 and smoking hot. Even in young pictures I wouldn't call SJP traditionally attractive.
I'm not saying no straight male finds her physically attractive - obviously you do. But she was a bizarre pick for 'the woman straight men masturbate to'.
But 'gay men doesn't get what straight men find attractive' isn't exactly a man-bites-dog story either, is it.
Word. I wish this message were repeated to every man on the planet; it would save them a lot of pain and save women a lot of bullshit.
When he was ready for sex, he presented his PIV virginity as something completely awesome that he wanted to share with me, told me that he wanted to explore fantasies and ideas about sex together, and try out what interested us both. And my goodness, if he hasn't turned out to be the most creative and best sexual partner I could have ever asked for. I recommend, along with the other great things people have said here, to have these sorts of discussions with your girlfriend.
In Germany you get naked at the massage therapist's.
My advice:
1) Ask her to put it in. That will drastically reduce the amount of fumbling.
2) If she's cool with it and is on hormonal birth control, skip the condom. Odds of her catching something from you are 0, and your odds from her are nearly 0.
3) For practice, jerk yourself off wearing a condom every now and then, just in case 2) is a no-go.
I was chatting with a Planned Parenthood worker while holding my baby daughter recently. She asked me when I planned to have The Talk. I said I thought 11 or 12 for the first round. She said, try 7 or 8, because a lot of girls are hitting puberty very, very young these days, and 11 might be too late.
Is there still One Big Talk?
I think my sister had age-appropriate variations on The Talk with her daughters almost every year since they've turned 2.
Incidentally, while some girls do get their periods at 9, some always did, it's just talked about more now. The average hasn't shifted much at all, and if the women on both sides of the family got periods at more like 12 or 13, that's likely when your daughter will.
Yeah, I think it should be multiple talks as well, but I was more trying to point out that if you're only going to have one, 16 is too late. IMHO.
I never had 'the talk' with my mom.
This is the closest talk I had with my mom (age 16/17ish):
"So, dad thinks you're a lesbian"
"Huh. Well I'm not."
"Oh I know"
"Um, okay."
"So how come I never meet your boyfriends?"
"Well, I don't really date that much mom, I'm picky."
"Well. I don't know how you can have sex with someone you're not in a relationship with." (ample scorn)
"Um?? What, I didn't say that"
"No, but I know. Whenever you're in a store you always go straight for the underwear."
She wasn't wrong.
Anyway, to the parents out there - don't talk to your daughter about sex like that.
Yeah. Because one way to make sure you NEVER forget your first time is to knock her up.
LW: Ignore @56. Listen to Dan. Wear a condom.
Bingo.
It's terrible advice to tell a teenager they should have sex without a condom for their first time.
1. Even grown women sometimes forget to take their birth control pills perfectly. Teenagers are even more flaky with them. On top of that, BCP is not 100% effective anyway, even if she is on the pill, you're better off being extra safe.
2. A healthy teenage boy is unlikely to lose his erection putting on a condom (I've only seen it happen with older guys).
3. Unless he feels like wifing this girl he's probably going to need to use a condom at some point in his life - IMHO it's better for guys to delay the 'getting used to unprotected sex' thing as much as possible, for the very reason that it's no fun to be ready for sex then lose your hardon once you put a condom on. That's way more likely to happen to a guy who's acclimated to having sex bareback.
4. Infidelity happens. Plus you don't know she's never caught anything from a previous partner, especially if she's using BCP as her primary birth control (aka, not using a condom). It's my understanding that teenagers engage in less STI screening than adults, so there's that too. Another great way to remember your first time? The clap.
Use a condom, NEWB!
It is also a good idea to have dual protection against pregnancy. Even if she is on hormonal birth control, failure rates for young women using the pill, ring or patch are quite high as detailed in the following NYT piece http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2012/06/04…
Condom use should be the default for PIV and PIA sex until one is in a long term relationship. Better that he get used to using condoms from the beginning of his sexual life. It is a lot easier to stop using condoms than to start using them.
The Talk is a pretty accepted term for educating your kids about sex, and I think we can accept that it encompasses everything from the single futile episode when a 'kid' is 18 to continual age-appropriate information starting at some early age.
I was under the impression that it was well-established that average age of puberty was creeping downward, at least in the developed world, or possibly just in the U.S.
Yes, there have always been some 9-year-old girls getting their periods. Let's pretend the average age is 17 ... some girls will still hit puberty at 9. If this hypothetical average age creeps downward to 15, then more 9-year-old girls will be hitting puberty, even if the average is still well above 9. Assuming normal distribution but not constant variance blah blah blah. I assumed that the PP worker was telling me that in her time at PP, she had seen an increase in the number of dreadfully young, pregnant girls.
@61: My parents considered themselves progressive and enlightened, and the sex talks I got were useless, too. The early ones consisted of the parent taking shelter behind a barrage of scientifically accurate, yet inscrutable to little me, terminology. The later ones did not exist, except for the occasional accusations of aberrancy.
@63: Totally. Your average healthy teenage boy with an erection, even if it's non-sexual, would be hard-pressed to lose it, even if you put a gun to his head and/or showed him pictures of his grandparents fucking -- whichever would be less exciting to him.
And I remember as a youngling that anxiety about getting an erection could pretty much guarantee you were going to get one and maintain it indefinitely. Also: Not being anxious about getting an erection made you get one.
On the one hand, the script is a starting place if you literally have no idea what to do with all that horniness. On the other, deviations (e.g. experimentation and playfulness) can cause a lot of anxiety about whether things are going as they are supposed to.
I would recommend that NEWB takes it slow, or even sets up limitations like "for this makeout session, you aren't going to take off your pants" or something fun like that. It will be enjoyable to figure out how to give different kinds of pleasure, the pressure for fucking is off, and when you finally do fuck, you've already learned how to deviate from the script. Keep condoms around anyway, though, just in case.
Seventeen?! It hasn't been that since 1850 or something, when a large proportion of the population was likely quite malnourished (and also that's a period for which we likely have very incomplete and unreliable statistics).
Seeing an increase in the number of dreadfully young pregnant girls -- well, that basically means that child abuse is resulting in pregnancy more often. Getting pregnant at 10 or 11 is infinitely more about exposure to an abuser than it is about early menarche or insufficient "talks" with your mom.
Gad that woman ticks me off, I wonder how a sweetie like Matthew Broderick can stand her, and even if I was a pussy hound, she'd be the last person I'd screw. As for her looks- don't really get that, but I am a gay man, so....
She ain't known as Sarah Jessica Seabiscuit for nothing ya know!
Nooooope...Chuck Testa...
Ahaha... amazing.
When I see her I'm reminded of that Seinfeld episode with the "two-face" woman. She truly can be very attractive one minute and then not so much the next.
Kid, just relax. Everyone is scared the first time, your beautiful girlfriend had a first time and was petrified as well. Don't spend six months "exploring" like the new age Californian told you, and don't worry about your gender role like the estrogen militia is howling. Be yourself, be honest, tell her you're nervous and that you want to be awesome for her, and let her guide you. You're doing well just by asking someone for advice, and Dan Savage is the right guy to ask.
"I don't know if she wants a virgin fumbling around in bed with her." Well, luckily for you, she can tell you that herself. If she wants to have sex with you, then yes, she wants a virgin-- you, in particular-- fumbling around in bed with her. Problem solved.
Notice how lots of ladies on this thread are hoping you have a great time and addresing you in a positive light (instead of "eew a virgin, how awful")? Chances are your girlfriend is looking forward to teaching you a thing or two, *which is fun for her.* Having to always be "the man" and sweep her off her feet with your know-how and performance can actually be much less attractive to a woman than a man who enjoys sex as a two-way activity and isn't afraid to learn new things from her. Pretending to be "The Man" and "The Woman" is kind of tedious when really, you should just be yourselves.
Also, to add to what @Eva Hopkins said about stuff she wished she knew at your age, here's one: People often use vibrators during sex. It's got nothing to do with the adequacy of your penis, don't be intimidated. It's just a cool little gadget.
As for the wanking in the stall, I think if it is a public place, where many people use the facilities, decorum dictates that you do your business (the usual variety associated with bathrooms) and get out. It's just manners, people, really.
And I find SatC freaking annoying; I'm no SJP fan girl.
Oh, and it's not being humourless to find cheap cracks unfunny. I find funny things very funny, so nah. ;)
Yeah I see where you are coming from. I used to work at a coffee shop where guests used a somewhat public bathroom and I had to clean that bathroom. We had an issue with people wanking off in there, and when they were done there was jizz fucking EVERYWHERE. Guess who got to clean up some random dude's jizz with paper towels and a spray bottle of bleach for $6/hour? Me. So if I were in charge of the coffee shop you fucking bet I would eject any patron caught wanking in the bathroom *by means other than looking in through the crack.* Yeah it's unfair to the responsible wankers but tough shit.
http://reason.com/blog/2012/06/06/lapd-c…
I admit *I* would not want to deal with a virgin, but I have done my share of deflowering enough for this lifetime ;-) That's why youngins like your ladyfriend are there to take over for old worn out hags like me!
Warning tho... she may not know what gets her off. I can't tell you how many women I know who went years having unsatisfying sex, and not only having unsatisfying sex but not knowing it was unsatisfying, until some man one day had the moves like Jagger. And everyone's moves are different! What gets me off is not going to necessarily hit it for another woman. But in general, you can count pretty firmly that trying some oral is a good bet. Don't worry if it takes you a bit to get used to it or this freaks you out or you feel uncomfortable or find it "unpleasant" your first time. It's kinda like most people think booze is gross the first time they try it. Most women I know have the same reaction to sperm, so hey, it's all good. Just relax and enjoy. Oh but some guys find it super awesome and tasty, so who knows? Just try, any and everything, slowly, with respect, and have fun.
It's due, as far as I know, to a combination of obesity (fat cells produce estrogen, afaik) and environmental estrogen mimics. (one reason that black girls are particularly susceptible is that there is or was an estrogen mimic somewhat frequently used to straighten hair...)
But even if there are girls who hit puberty freakishly early that doesn't mean that they'll start having sex freakishly early.
Or is there a study showing that women with an early menarche also had sex earlier than average? (Honest question, I have no idea.)
http://articles.latimes.com/2008/jan/21/…
The overall age has gone down. I was surprised by some of the specifics.
All the same, it sends chills down my spine when people go around implying that precocious puberty is the point at issue when a ten-year-old has a baby (there was another story like that in the L.A. Times article). It's like the old "interesting facts" story about the girl in Peru who had a baby when she was five. The "interesting facts" books totally disappeared the fact of her being sexually abused. It was as if this just golly-gee happened as the result of her unusual medical condition. That shit has got to die.
Quote on p. 1: "Puberty involves three stages: breast development, pubic hair growth and, finally, menstruation."
What about the growth spurt? What about body odor, acne, washing your hair more often, getting braces as you get your twelve year molars? The sexual changes are only part of the story, but emphasizing them is about sexualizing ten year olds.
Quote on p. 3: "These are children who are learning the most fundamental facts in school. Imagine trying to teach that child the fundamentals of sex."
My daughter knew the facts of sex at 3 y/o, when I was pregnant with her brother. Eggs, sperm, penis, vagina, uterus, pregnancy... These are not complicated terms that should be restricted to people who have gone through puberty. That's crazy. Even the idea that sex could be fun, rather than just for procreation -- we discussed that idea at the dinner table before puberty started.
These are not complicated terms that should be restricted to people who have entered puberty.
Some people are reacting with fear to early development for the wrong reasons, I think. Concern about the environment and about heightened risk for breast cancer and so forth, that's totally reasonable. Worrying that your daughter is somehow less of a pure little girl? That's icky (super, SUPER icky when you figure in the stigma on black girls' developing earlier).
I try not to think in terms of protecting my kids' purity. Rather, I'd say one of my jobs as a parent up to a certain age is to protect their rights over their own developing sexuality.
Figuring that out is their job, but we can help give them the tools for it, and the tools to avoid unnecessarily hurting others in the process.
Sex is no different. There is no reason not to talk about it, or even illustrate it, just as there is no reason to avoid talking about any other topic (at their level of understanding, of course).
Western society is beginning to realize this -- which is why we see more and more books on sex for children (at an age-appropriate level and language). But we're not quite there yet. All those fears surrounding the gradually evolving sexuality of children and 'what it means' about our 'little angels' (plus old ideas about sex being dirty or somehow 'perverse' in its essence -- it sours the sweet, as they say in Brazil) make the job very difficult.
Still, we're headed in the right direction. Despite all evidence to the contrary, I have faith in human nature. Someday we'll manage to become rational about such topics and pay more attention to reality.