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800 Maynard Ave S, Suite 200, Seattle, WA 98134
800 Maynard Ave S, Suite 200, Seattle, WA 98134
for HARD, listen to Dan, but also try thinking of sex as more than just intercourse, and try alternating the intercourse with other things you both enjoy, to build up your dick's antici....
...pation.
One piece of advice from my own experience with college guys: Look clean. Even if you DO shower every day, make sure you LOOK like you shower every day. It makes a difference.
I would also remind CBB that many college campuses are more female than male. Of the other on-campus men, many of them will have girlfriends and many will be undesirable for some reason. That leaves all the single girls competing for only a few guys. Many girls who wouldn't otherwise go for a skinny, spotty guy might give him their attention. (And I've heard that many girls who wouldn't otherwise tolerate cheating do so while studying at more-female-than-male colleges.) It's not fair, but it's unfair in CBB's favor and he should enjoy it while he can.
I mean, I do have a wonderful monogamous partner. But it took my 15 years of begin sexually active to find him and it's not like I wasn't trying.
Nobody you meet is under any obligation to like you, think you're good-lucking, or want to fuck you. Nobody you meet is obliged to have anything to do with you other than basic courtesy--meaning that girl who smiles at you might just be smiling at you because she was taught that you smile when you say hello. Or she's nervous. Or she's just a really cheerful person.
There's a fine line between being genuinely interested in people and being a Nice Guy. Nice Guys (TM) go through life under the impression that if they are nice to women, women will want to date/fuck/whatever with them. Then they get resentful when women have things like their own opinions and whatnot. Speaking as a chick, it's REALLY irritating when you learn that the only reason a dude is treating you like a human being is he wants to get in your pants. Company, conversation, being a friend or a teammate, those all just vanish when you realise the only reason somebody talks to you so nicely is he wants a lay.
Don't be that guy.
Here's your homework: learn the difference between being a smooth talker and a genuine talker. Learn what women are saying with their body language--she might be signaling you, go ahead and you're missing it--and learn the difference between No and Go. Once you start meeting people you like, and you treat them like people you want to be around, they will introduce you to other people, who will introduce you to still other people, and somewhere along the line OF MEETING AWESOME PEOPLE AND MAKING FRIENDS you'll meet somebody you want to fuck AND who wants to fuck you.
Meet people first. Meet people who interest you first. Make friends first.
About body language:
I tell people who aren't very good with body language to go volunteer at the humane society and ask to help with training the dogs. Dogs are easier than people, they have ears and tails and lolling tongues and BOUNCE that people have trained out of them once they're older than five. It's also less pressure. Once you're used to reading dogs and cats, it's a whole lot easier to move on to people.
Thanks for another wonderfully informative and amusing column, Dan!
Then again, I'm betting that vag hug can't exactly compete with death grip.
Oh, and @12, I 'd like to elaborate on the "don't be nice just to get in her pants" point. Don't be nice just to get in her pants. Seriously. But that doesn't mean don't be nice, and it doesn't mean don't talk to girls. Just don't approach them like they're only good for what's inbetween their legs, and remember that no matter how many drinks you buy her, no matter how long you spend complimenting her, and discussing whatever it is that she's interested in, she is NEVER under any obligation to sleep with you. Not saying you would, but the guys that @12 is discussing do.
Being in a generous mood, I shall presume that proof of CBB's desire for female partners was included in the original letter and accidentally omitted from the published version. Thankfully this does not happen often.
And I forestall anyone from responding with Numbers or Percentages. You have an adequate defence in following Mr Savage's lead; please let that be sufficient. There's this extremely heterocentric place called The Whole World out there which has already driven me out; I am running out of options.
Dormez bien.
We met when I was two years out of college. Unlike you, he never tried to be a suave, smooth operator. He's a dork, very gregarious and silly, but I love it. He managed to reduce me to a puddle of lust just by showing a genuine interest in me, by NOT looking for an easy lay, capisce? That and lots of swimming ... A tall skinny guy half naked, Yum.
So my advice is to pursue activities/ groups with 21-25 year old women, we know what we like, and ditch the PUA shit.
We met when I was two years out of college. Unlike you, he never tried to be a suave, smooth operator. He's a dork, very gregarious and silly, but I love it. He managed to reduce me to a puddle of lust just by showing a genuine interest in me, by NOT looking for an easy lay, capisce? That and lots of swimming ... A tall skinny guy half naked, Yum.
So my advice is to pursue activities/ groups with 21-25 year old women, we know what we like, and ditch the PUA shit.
To CBB: It's OK to want to get laid for its own sake. You're not obligated to care about everyone you want to fuck -- after all, only a few of them will care about you. But don't bother with smooth-talking and PUA crap; just be honest, funny, upfront, and unapologetic, and that'll get you laid sooner or later. Treat women as human beings, but don't feel guilty or apologize for wanting to get laid, either. You're not entitled to have sex with them, but they're not entitled to your time and attention, either, and you're not obligated to keep spending time with a girl who doesn't want to have sex with you. You don't have to prove that you're "above" wanting casual sex, or sex for its own sake with no emotional investment. Trying to prove that to women is a surefire recipe for bitterness, at least until you ARE getting laid and realize you want something deeper and better.
From a skinny female here, I am amazed that people can find skinny people (male or female) at all attractive, because it hasn't seemed to do much for me as the attractor or the attractee. Sorry CBB. Different strokes for different folks, I guess. I actually have to actively convince myself that guys could find a skinny woman attractive.
Most humans cannot take most human male's nuts completely inside their mouths without crushing them, and crushing inside a mouth is as painful as crushing by kick, hit or ball to the groin.
My advice to SCROTE is to have them done one at a time, and EXTREMELY gently, working up in intensity from there. Eventually both inside a mouth won't hurt because they've toughened up to where they like it.
Count me as one who prefers ectomorphs. I read long ago that women who are small boned themselves with smaller breasts, the pear shapes, tend to like the skinnier men while women with hour glass figures, large breasts and wide hips, prefer the broad body-builder types. If there's any truth to that, it would make sense for you to try chatting up the young women with the right body type to match yours in the first place.
I dunno about that theory!
I'm more hourglassy than peary and I never go for the big muscular guys. I like the skinny ones!
@3: That site is asinine. Its reasoning is as follows: condoms don't stop the spread of disease because people don't use them right. Because people can't be relied upon to use condoms correctly, nobody should use them at all. Instead, people should abstain from sex until they're in a stablemonogamous relationship and use the rhythm method if they don't want kids. Also, the pill kills the sex drive by simulating pregnancy, which means all those horny pregnant women are figments of your imagination.
@3: That site is asinine. Its reasoning is as follows: condoms don't stop the spread of disease because people don't use them right. Because people can't be relied upon to use condoms correctly, nobody should use them at all. Instead, people should abstain from sex until they're in a stablemonogamous relationship and use the rhythm method if they don't want kids. Also, the pill kills the sex drive by simulating pregnancy, which means all those horny pregnant women are figments of your imagination.
People are known to fantasize about all sorts of things they don't *actually* want. Most people who fantasize about incest for example don't actually want to fuck their family (uh, Prudie's incest twins excepted). This isn't even just sexual either. Every time I get pregnant I fantasize about a water birth. I love the water, swim constantly, am always in the lakes and rivers, oceans when I can get there, it's pretty normal I'd like a waterbirth. I plan it each time, get a pool ready, and eagerly anticipate the marine naissance about to happen.
Except then I get in labour and the idea revolts me and I can't even stand being in the shower. I just want to stand up and walk non-stop. I like the idea, but the reality? Meh, not so much.
Sometimes, we don't like things. It's okay to just enjoy the fantasy.
And due credit for making personal preference part of a much more interesting point instead of making it the point itself. So often these threads devolve quickly when what/who is/isn't attractive arises.
I hope all of your advice is wrong, as you've given it so badly that I would expect every man who reads it to do the opposite.
Read the guy's letter again - his problem is that he's worried no girl will want to sleep with him, and your diagnosis is that his problem is he thinks every girl is obliged to sleep with him.
Are you just posting here to try to make feminists look stupid?
Quit talking. Start listening. We don't want to hear how great you are; we want you to make us feel great by showing interest in us. LISTEN. Ask questions about what you hear that show you were listening. Try to develop interest in her. Or fake it. You're welcome.
If the ONLY reason you are approaching me is to fuck me, you're an asshole, even if you're a 'nice' guy.
Really?
A guy is an asshole just for having an interest in you sexually? I think you mean, "If the ONLY reason you are approaching me is to fuck me, but you act like you're actually interested in me, you're an asshole." Personally, I have a ton of respect for people who are honest about what they want (so long as they don't act like a creeper). I'd rather a guy admit that's all he wanted so I could make the decision of whether or not I was interested and not waste either of our times.
Real talk.
My advice? See college as a fresh start. A lot of guys who didn't get laid in highschool seem to carry that chip on and it becomes a self-fufilling prophecy. You're going to be dealing with new people from all over the depending on what school you're at. Lots of guys (and girls!) reinvent themselves from nerdy/geeky/uncool types in highschool to hipster/alterna/etc types in college. And seem to pull it off. If you have a sister or female friend I reccomend letting her dress you.
"Sure I'm skinny, but I'm McJagger skinny - girls like that!" - Eric from that 70's show. ;)
Being skinny is super desirable to lots of girls (pear shaped or otherwise) as long as you wear it well. Good posture, clothes that fit you, and you're golden.
Lots of girls get tied up on the idea of being skinny because they're convinced that it's what is attractive to the opposite (or same) sex. Lots of people prefer average-sized girls who pack a little more curve on them. I'm a skinny girl who has curves a let me tell you - I've never gotten a compliment from a hetero dude on the skinny part of that equation. Same thing with guys. A lot of them assume that women universally want giant muscley guys while a lot of us don't. Biggest crush I ever had on a celeb was Jared Leto when he played a heroin addict.
Skinny isn't your problem, CBB. See women as people FIRST, not as a whole different species whose ways are totally mysterious, and not merely as potential need-satisfiers, and that'll go a long way towards getting you a woman who'll be interested back.
I was horny as hell both times I was pregnant. The mantra running through my head 24/7, esp. during the last trimester, was "eatsleepfuck" or sometimes "fucksleepeat" or "sleepfuckeat"...you get the picture.
Kate Hudson reported the same in an interview I happened upon once, so it ain't just me.
Pregnancy hormones tend to make mucus membranes swell...it was like I was constantly ENGORGED and super sensitive all the time, as if I'd been having an extended session of foreplay.
DH and I had some of the most fantastic sex ever during pregnancy!
As for the pill, I was only ever on it for about 9 months when I was 19. I hated it. My cycles were thrown off, I was moody, and I gained 15 lbs in a few months for no apparent reason OTHER than the pill and didn't drop them until I quit the pill.
DH and I used fertility awareness in conjunction with condoms on fertile days for 20 years. But as noted here, that's a luxury reserved for those in monogamous, long-term relationships, and dissing condoms and/or birth control in general without stressing that caveat is supremely irresponsible, imo.
...well, then you're an asshole too. And given that the world is just as full of women who do THAT as men who don't care about women except as sex objects, I'm not sure why it's men who get singled out for opprobrium, and being perpetually reminded that they're not "entitled" to anything in life. Seems to me that plenty of women think they're "entitled" to be taken care of by men.
Listen to the ladies above. There's no amount of smooth talk and posturing that will replace being the best version of yourself. When I was your age I went through the same maturation process that we all go through when learning how to date and get laid. I was tall and lanky. Not particularly good looking. Certainly not rich, no fancy clothes, no fancy car. And clumsy as hell when it came to women. But I had a string of smoking hot girlfriends that were the envy of many of my friends and every one of them ended up in my life in spite of my efforts, not because of them. Thinking back on that time, every woman I tried to seduce, without exception, shot me down. I was terrible at getting laid when I tried.
But here's what worked... For starters, I took good care of myself. It doesn't matter what else people look for in a mate, we all look for signs of health, consciously or unconsciously. You don't have to be some big buff dude to look healthy. And you don't have to be a varsity athlete. A good diet and getting enough sleep are probably as important as the gym at that point in your life. Next, have a good attitude about life in general. I'm as cynical as hell, but on balance I'm more fun than I am work to be around. People respond to that, both men and women. Next, be a good student. What I lacked in "cool" skills I made up in the classroom. All students are attracted to the top performing students in a class. If you want to be popular in college, be good at it. I met all of my hot girlfriends as a result of them wanting to study with me. But that wasn't enough. Like the ladies above state, listen to them. Be their friend. Be supportive. Be encouraging. Remember, women at that age are also going through this learning process and in my experience, they respond to the guys they can relate to. Be yourself. Be vulnerable. Make mistakes. Anyone can be cool when they're perfect. Be the first to admit you don't know everything and have imperfections. If you can do all that and not be rattled, then you really are cool. And lastly, have a sense of humor. There's nothing sexier than a big smile and healthy laughter.
I had some truly great girlfriends in college and I found none of them. They found me. I was chasing all the wrong women and still they found me. Take care of your health, work on your studies, and learn to laugh loud and often. If you can do that, getting laid will take care of itself.
Go get 'em!
Interesting point. I don't accept meals or moving assistance from men I'm not fucking, but I'll admit to thinking that flirtation itself is fun for both sides, even if I know it's not leading to sex. Where do others draw the line, to avoid causing needless pain?
I don't know if I'm a representative sample, as I don't engage in a lot of dating, but I'm not a big fan of flirtation as an end in itself. I'm not good at interpretting body language and once I'm lobotomized by hormones and adrenaline, any hope for a positive outcome goes out the window. Nothing is more devastating than thinking you've got your mojo working, going in for that first kiss, and she turns her head so you have to kiss her cheek. Ahh! Dagger to the heart! But I don't blame women for this. I guess I just need subtitles. Oddly enough, when I was younger and participated in a lot of single boy/girl group activities I was often accused of being a flirt, which always surprised me. I never felt that I was making an effort at flirting with the women, but apparently they saw it that way. If there's any point to this, I suppose it's that flirtation is in the eye of the beholder. Proceed with caution.
That's why I suggested that CBB go to the humane society and LEARN to watch body languages. It's a heck of a lot easier to start with dogs than with people. Dogs won't judge you and you're a lot less likely to have major self-consciousness issues around them. After a while, you get to a point where you start noticing others' body language, and then it's so much easier to interpret. As a bonus, you won't be considered a creeper while you're trying to learn, since dogs don't care, and you're probably a lot more likely to notice subtle Go and Whoa cues than you would before.
I have a saddle horse and working with him has taught me more about interpersonal relationships than any class or book or whatever. He doesn't speak in words, but he talks ALL THE TIME. I can look at the way his ears are pointed and tell what's on his mind. He has a snort for every occasion and I can listen to a snort and know if he's unhappy about something, excited, scared, or just wants me to get on with it and let him gallop already. Shelter dogs will teach you the same thing, without the expense or commitment of keeping a horse.
And something else about it, dogs are a chick magnet, yes, but also in doing the volunteer work, you're meeting people, who will in turn introduce you to more people. That's how networks get started and Good Things come into fruition. And dogs are a chick magnet.
And by providing the training, you might make sure a shelter dog gets placed in a good home. You can take pride in yourself about that, and pride and self-confidence are always good accessories to wear.
http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/Savag…
Think now about getting your 21-year old self laid, don't worry so much about your 18-year-old self laid.
Further advice: avoid like the plague women who are going to take one little phrase, spin it in the most negative possible way & run with that ... see slinky @12 ... you'll meet quite a few of these in college.
vemoninon @18 - it's obvious from CCB's letter as it stands that CCB hetero, because at 18 he'd have no problem getting laid if he were gay or bi. We can assume he's putting himself out there since he mentions the smooth talk ...
The difficulty 18-year-old hetero boys have getting laid stems from the supply-demand imbalance in male-female sex drives.
It's exacerbated by another little problem for young men at age 18: the whole world of older men just opened up to the women your own age and a little older, while the whole world of younger girls just got closed off to you. The more sexually adventurous women your age will be exploring the world of older men (college juniors, seniors, professors) at this time ... leaving you with (maybe) the more timid ones.
There's a sweet spot age range for getting laid in the hetero male life - it's somewhere around 25-40. Start getting ready for that now to maximize your enjoyment of it when that comes.
Lower your standards, boys, on physical beauty. Don't date asshole women (or men) but by all means stop caring so much about looks. If I had, I might not have spent my entire university career with nobody ever touching my dick but me.
GOD DOES NOT WANT YOU DOING ORAL*
*but if God actually exists he's one sadistic fuck.
Who else would make giving (and getting) oral so fun, but give me (and a lot of other people) a gag reflex that is cock-tip trigger sensitive?
4 words prove Dan wrong:
Brad Pitt Johnny Depp.
I wonder if they get tired of it.
I think your advice has some value, I've had dogs my entire life, love dogs, and if there's any language I'm fluent in, it's Dog. (Thus my handle) You have to be adept at body language with dogs because there is no other alternative. However, that aside, I'm not trying to mate with a dog. And if you know anything about how dogs mate, that sure as hell ain't the approach that's going to work with most humans. Same is true with horses. They are wonderful animals and can teach you a lot about getting along with others in general. But the bottom line is, the human mating ritual is unique to humans, is a process of trial and error, and the results vary from one individual to another. You have to get out there and do your best, but you have to get in the game if you hope to win. Beyond that, it's anybody's guess. We can drift off into all sorts of cliches at this point. All I'm trying to say is that it's far too easy to assume your intentions are clear. Why not? If something is obvious to our own selves, why shouldn't it be obvious to others? But that's seldom the case. From my experience, flirtation is a mine field. When you bring your own expectations to someone else's intentions, well... sometimes you win, sometimes you get blown out of the water. And really, that's what dating is all about. You try to navigate the mine field, learn about each other, until one day you reach the point where you can have straight up conversations with each other and communicate without having to translate every sentence, nuance, or gesture. That's not me being negative. That's people getting to know people.
However, I think your suggestion that someone looking to meet a potential mate should go volunteer at the Humane Society is a great idea. It's got all the ingredients for a good time. The animals are fun, you meet fun and interesting people, you're making the world a better place, you're getting out in the world and getting some much needed exercise, and if you're lucky, you might find a companion to take home with you, human or otherwise.
It's all good!
Also, and I don't know if other women experience this or not - kegels interfere with my orgasm. To come, I need a nice relaxed vagina. I'm happy to squeeze for a while, relax and come, and then keep squeezing... but it kind of makes sex a workout. I think retraining the guy's penis is a worthwhile endeavor... if it works, he will have a lot more latitude.
cocky @55 -
Perhaps that was awkwardly phrased.
I do understand that most gay/bi boys are not out in high school... but a gay boy worried that he won't be able to get laid in college?? Really? Do you really think that's what CCB's letter is about?
Maybe if he's going to Oral Roberts University or something, but then he's got a whole different set of problems.
Also cocky @55 - you cut out the key second part of my statement: "we can assume he's putting himself out there ... "
The vast majority of 18 year old gay boys who put themselves out there do not have much difficulty getting laid.
Dan the Man himself has said (paraphrasing) that out gay men can get laid pretty much whenever they want to ...
One reason for this is that they do not have to deal with the sexual supply demand imbalance created by the differences between the more-or-less-constant male sex drive & the variable monthly female sexual cycle.
Not to mention menopause ...
Read her signals carefully.
@23, there's nothing wrong with just wanting to have sex with someone, but an 18-year-old probably lacks the "game" to pull that off with someone of a similar age. I say this as someone who had their first healthy "sex only" relationship at 28. The quotes are because it really wasn't only sex. We were friends, and we hung out and enjoyed each other's company, and we had massive amounts of excellent sex as well, but no romantic relationship. In fact, sex was expected when we hung out, but there was more to it. It worked with a 28-year-old and 36-year-old, I don't see myself being able to do that much younger. Too much socializing of expectations to break, and not enough time to grow a personality, preferences, and worldly knowledge.
I am willing to grant Mr Savage a modest pass here, as he should be entitled not to have to provide chapter and verse on every occasion.
But that really misses the point. The point is, and I am sorry to have to spell it out, that, regardless of whether it the odds are 5-1, 50-1 or 500,000-1 in favour of your "obvious" supposition, the thread broke Rule Forty-Two, the oldest rule in the book:
Presume not upon Unspecified (Opposite-Sex) Interest.
I'm not whacking anybody for it because the commentariat followed Mr Savage's lead. When Mr Savage presumes, he often makes comparative remarks; I am content to assume that either the letter or his reply was trimmed of clarification.
Not being independently wealthy, Mr Savage has opted to commodify his talents. It is right and proper that he should do so, and at least he is drawing what one hopes is a substantial income that would otherwise be flowing into the coffers of those who are considerably less talented and considerably more heterocentric. But this is the one place where one ought to be able to count upon not running into Presumed Universal Heterosexuality, which can be found in the columns of almost every other well-known advisor writing today, or at least such a substantial majority as to make no difference of note. (My apologies to any colleague of Mr Savage's who merits inclusion with him on this short list.)
Is it asking too much of those with specifically-opposite-sex-interest-related questions to have the courtesy and respect to make 200% sure that the question makes its nature unequivocally clear? This is a little thing, but one among many little things that keeps me convinced that, despite all the real or supposed big gains in the major arenas, Equality still can't get here from there, wherever it is now.
In my late 30's had an adorable trainer.
He met a girl and had no clue how to approach her.
They were both working in the same major - that was a great topic to open an easy conversation.
Tip One - Learn About Other Majors. Be ready to talk to anyone in any program at your school.
Tip Two - Lists Work
Read some news papers, the school paper, go to campus events. Have a prefab - even practiced list of questions on a variety of topics. You'll always be able to open an easy conversation.
Play 'Categories' (pick a topic like models of cars made by Ford, gossip stars, the sciences, anything) this helps keep your brain occupied so you have less mental time to start worrying about social encounters. And makes you a dexterous conversationalist.
If you know you can say something interesting or current no matter who you are talking to, it really stokes your confidence.
Live in the dorms. Cars, money - I never paid attention to any of that. I had the craziest 8 months of casual sex during my one semester in dorms.
Big Three: Plan to Fail
I wish I had thought of this when I was in college!
Set some sort of goal period - say, 2 weeks. Then you must purposefully chose to talk to one woman a day (doesn't matter if you really want her, like her, or just spotted her that day, or she's a troll) plan to be rejected every time - or 10 times out of 14.
When in the moment you are focused on achieving you daily goal, is is SO easy to hang at ease, be your naturally comfortable interesting self.
And either way you win - you stud!
I promised my trainer I would stop kvetching about the exercises I didn't like if he asked and failed 10 times in two weeks.
At our next session, he asked her first! They hit it off and were on their way to date 3!
As for the acne - Set one rule in your life - you DO Not Go To Sleep Without Washing Your Face* and brushing your teeth. *Go to Target or Rite Aid and find a good face wash, have a basic skin care regime. Ask a girl to help you do this.
Do laundry once a week or more if you don't have enough clothing for 7 days.
I think someone else said this less explicitly. A great way to make friends and their friends and so on, is asking girls to help.
"I really want to take better care of my skin. Can you go to the store with me and help pick the right stuff?"
"I think my clothes could smell better. Can you show me how to take better care of my clothes? My mom always did my laundry, I'm clueless."
"I've never gone to a inter-department lecture - do you wanna go too? We can both figure it out."
And that thing some one said a few weeks ago for the young gay guy in a similar spot. Go to a coffee house, bar, club you don't necessarily dig. Approach the person you like and say "I hate this scene wanna go have a_______ (coffee, snack, ice cream) somewhere else?"
This really can be a great time to have a lot of social and sexual experiences.
Keep it light, they don't have to be 'the one'. Epic failures teach us SO much.
I agree with others who have said lower your standards. I don't think it's that base.
Be willing to see more people/girls as possibilities. Every nerd, jock and thespian is trying to get with those "Super Hot Model Perfect Girls". Do something different and you will have a whole different kind of success and FUN!
It's supposed to be fun!
The physical strength imbalance between males and females has much more to do with the relative unavailability of younger women for sex than any sex drive difference.
Besides, getting an orgasm out of sex is pretty easy to figure out for a male. It's a lot more complex for a female.
I'd like to know what you think would become of the "natural sex drive" of a man who'd never get orgasms out of sex, over years and years of practice.
I'm saying the female sex drive changes with the menstrual cycle, while the male sex drive remains more or less constant.
Specifically, women may have a higher sex drive than most men during the one week in four when they are near ovulation. Most have low-to-no sex drive during the peak of PMS & in the first day or two of menstruation. In the other two weeks the female sex drive is there, but is not as intense & is more geared towards bonding.
The male sex drive, on the other hand, is relatively constant.
If you disagree, then please explain which part of this isn't truth?
Why do you think it's not true?
& I am finally starting to plan my IGBP video. Have any other Sloggers made one? #camerashy
Hormones affect different women differently.
HAVE FEMALE FRIENDS. Platonic female friends will help you dress right; tell you to lose the high school haircut; and generally make you a little less troll-like and more of a man desirable to women. They'll also teach you to see women as human beings instead of whatever loser men see them as.
You'll learn to relate to women without the pressure and anxiety of trying to get laid. So forget about "smooth talk".
If your lucky they'll hook you up with their friends. And just being seen with them in public lets other women know that you are not repulsive to women. And then there's the possibility that it could develop into something more. But no NSA sex with your friends!
And if that doesn't work there's always COCAINE and MALT LIQUOR
Oh please.
If you think evo-psych is boldface-true then you've got a long way to go.
Also, Erica has an excellent point.
Give us your measurements!
Just playing. I'd be curious to see where Crin got that since small boned, slim and pear shaped is a small subset of women. I'm slim myself but definitely not pear shaped, so maybe if that theory is true (honestly it sounds dubious to me) it's more about slenderness than body shape.
I don't think it is true because it is not true for me. Just like nocutename @72, I am really horny a day or so before menstruation (and also during the first 2 days). But I am also horny during ovulation.
@67:
I don't agree with everything you write, but one thing you got right: It's supposed to be fun!
Thus with having a satisfactory sex life in college. There have been times when your smooth talk has worked for you (with whatever your definition of "work" is). But the classes/social life get harder in college. You may have to put in more effort for a less satisfactory result with the people you meet. Which isn't to say that there won't be a time here and there where everything is easy, but in general, expect to put in more effort to get what you want.
Google on "hormone cycle women," and go straight to images. I found a number of little charts showing levels of estrogen, progesterone, and testosterone throughout a 28 day cycle. I didn't even have to do much reading (though that can be interesting too). Note 2 spikes in estrogen, one before ovulation and one before menstruation. That could explain those of us who note getting horny twice on a regular cycle. (I was one of those too though it it was hard to pinpoint with so many other factors such as how well my life was going in general, sunlight, and the guy I was sleeping with.)
But the important thing to remember with women's hormonal health is that nothing is steady state. I used to think that if I could just figure out what cocktail of hormones was coursing through my veins when I was feeling great I could recreate it artificially and keep it there. It's nowhere near that easy in reality. For example, when I took birth control pills (estrogen) for help with peri-menopause symptoms, I felt an initial wave of horniness and euphoria. It didn't last. It's like I got used to the increased amount of estrogen and the well-being tapered off.
I agree! I think that people who say 'gay guys can get laid whenever they want' are like the people that say 'women can get laid whenever they wan't'.
Well, okay "technically" that may be true, if you are fine having sex with someone you're not attracted to. But why would anyone do that? A good friend of mine is gay, very smart, hilariously funny, well dressed and an all around great guy with a good head on his shoulders. But he has pretty much counted sex out of his life for the forseable future because he's really put off by the casual sex scene (especially the whole "pfft. condoms?" movement) and has trouble finding people he's interested in.
I've known that feel. Most people who are intelligent and/or introverted and/or unique don't come across people they find appealing every day.
In college? They're worried about 18-23-year-olds having low sex drives? Oh, come ON. I doubt that's even occurred to most college-age women as a possibility. I'm not saying it IS impossible, only that it's not the first thing that would leap to most women's minds.
I think he meant subconsciously? That might explain why I was always put off by shyness. It seems intuitive that there's some correlation between assertiveness and sex drive. I dunno if it's true but *shrug*
Even in that case, it doesn't seem likely that women would make it a factor.
seem to be suffering from some sort of grass is always greener syndrome.
But yes, any woman or any gay man get get laid anytime she or he wants to, provided that
A) she or he uses absolutely no discretion whatsoever
and for gay men
B) there is a critical mass of other gay men in proximity
But I doubt that most people, male or female, gay or straight, really want to adhere to that first condition.
Actual research has shown that the time slot when the bigger number of women (not all, not even most ; from memory, a bit less than 50%) experienced a discernable surge in sex drive is just before their period. Surges at other times were experienced by smaller numbers of women. Many women experienced no surge at all.
Research may begin with hypothesis, but then it has to be checked against reality - the "surge in sex during ovulation" hypothesis has been disproven scientifically, by asking numerous women, not by listening to sex theorists. Source : Shere Hite Report 2004.
Most college women are not concerned by that... They are mostly concerned with not landing a jerk who'll treat them "as a hole". The sex drive question usually only arises once the relationship is on - a guy with an insufficient sex drive could end up being dumped later on.
I don't know what college males look for in sex, but I suppose this sex drive question would be a bigger goal for them than what it is for females.
It's never counter productive to be subtle if you want to reach to subtle people.
What I like most is a male who notices me, who seems attracted to me but who doesn't make any obvious moves to get into my bed. If I'm interested at all, I'm torn between "is this friendship or is there a possibility of more" and I usually end up making the moves pretty fast after that.
Come on now, there are a lot of amazing woman out there. Intelligent, funny, athletic, artsy, you name it and are attractive in more ways than outside, temporary appearances. Get involved in life, hike, bike, politics, theatre, whatever and you will find yourself surrounded by wonderful woman. Ask them questions, learn about what they have in their heads, and maybe you won't end up alone in bed.
Well, you're put off by shyness because you like being dominated in bed, no? Nothing wrong with that, makes perfect sense. But it's not the case for a lot of women. And sex drive is pretty much orthogonal to shyness in my experience. Quite frequently teenagers are shy about the fact that they're horny all the time and they're terrified everyone can tell. I can remember not being able to talk to people because my breath would run short, that kind of thing.
I meant that it seemed like guys who are more shy/less dominant tend to have lower sex drives than more agressive/dominant guys. Again, I don't know if this is true and it might just be based on a sort of cliche "machoness" thing but in my personal experience it's been somewhat true.
*shrug*
I hesitate to use the word dominant because it smacks of S&M which has especially tacky connotations now that 50 shades is a bestseller (kinkers - I know most of you aren't really like that and I'm sorry your shit got portrayed that way). I prefer 'aggressive'/'intense'/'confident' as descriptors. In my experiences talking to women, I found that on the shy/assertive divide most women prefer men to be assertive. Unless they're NOT interested. In which case they prefer them to be shy. :p
FWIW, I wouldn't define "aggressive" as synonymous with "confident."
And I don't necessarily think that either personality trait regularly correlates with being good in bed. But confidence is sexy. To many people.
If you are confident, you'll have a lot more chances to develop your sexual technique.
I think you are exaggerating the effects of the hormone cycle on sex drive. Yes, there *can* be a surge at different times linked to your cycle (and as mentioned above, that time can be different for different women), but like 88 said, the myth of the female estrus has been disproven time and time again. Human women are ALWAYS ready to fuck, generally speaking, regardless of were they are in their cycle. Just because many (not all) women have a spike in horniness in one part of the cycle or another doesn't mean we're suddenly uninterested in sex in another part or we have a low sex drive the rest of the time. It just means what it means: a spike in horniness, usually large enough to be noticeable but not so large as to change your life.
And as a woman who fucks women, I have never had a problem getting laid no matter where anyone was in their cycle. If a girl is into you, it just could not matter less whether her estrogen is spiking or not. So there's your problem.
What an utter load of lies and false information dressed up with Instagram-esque graphics! And I wonder if Neil Patrick Harris knows his image is being used on there. . .
I work as a sexual and reproductive health nurse in the UK and a lot of my work involves educating and providing contraception to my patients. Very often, they are surprised at the wide range of contraceptive options available beyond condoms and the pill - which this site seems to feel are the only viable options available to women as birth control (beyond Natural Family Planning methods, which are only as effective as condoms in practice and is often used by couples after they have had their families, hence tend to be older and already less fertile and therefore less likely to conceive anyway!)
IUDs are completely non-hormonal methods of contraception as well as being incredibly effective methods - why aren't they mentioned? Long-acting hormonal methods like the implant, IUS and injection are also extremely effective and have fewer side-effects that the combined hormonal methods. And while the Combined Pill does appear to have a correlation with a slight increase with breast cancer, it also has a protective effect against endometrial and colon cancers - funny that is never mentioned, huh?
As for venous thromboembolism, there is definitely an increased risk in women using the combined hormonal contraceptive pill - non-contraceptive using women who are not pregnant have a risk of 4-5 per 10,000 woman years of developing a VTE; CHC using women have a risk of 9-10 per 10,000 woman years - it is a much smaller risk compared to women who are pregnant (29 per 10,000 woman years) or those post-partum (300-400 per 10,000 woman years). Better to be using a method of contraception to falling pregnant.
Natural planning methods do work if used correctly - just like the pill and condoms - but to suggest they should be the only method available is utterly ridiculous.
Among other reasons, I think you underestimate the extent to which men can derive pleasure from novelty alone. Plus there's something liberating about having sex with someone you don't really care about and aren't trying to impress.
If you're repulsed by someone that's one thing. But if your reaction is somewhere between "Meh, she's OK" and "Yikes...but at least she has a nice smile/breasts/whatever, so I'll focus on that", then for a young horny guy, that's far better than nothing.
CBB might be well-served by going to bed with a couple girls whom he doesn't really find attractive. I don't know if the girls in question would be well-served by it, but that's not really his problem; again, I don't think they're losing sleep over his well-being, so -- as long as he's not deceitful or unkind -- he's not obligated to only have sex with women he respects and with whom he wants a relationship. Some women will think that makes him an asshole and a cad, but they're about on the same level with guys who resent women for not having sex with them: no one likes not getting what they want.
Sometimes I think women really don't understand what a huge difference having sex makes to a man's image of himself. It's tough not to think of yourself as a loser if you're not getting laid. And we can talk all we want about how gender roles and society's mores affect that, but the fact remains that it's what most teenage guys want, so social pressure is kind of secondary. The world would be a very different place if teenage boys were liberated from the self-hating insanity most of us go through between the ages of 13 and our early 20s...but there are a lot of things in the world that depend on channeling that angst and self-hatred, so no one wants to change it.
I'm sure all women aged 18-22 want to consider fucking CBB as their act of charity for the year, because god forbid some poor guy does without all the sex he wants to have.
I'm glad your advice to him includes finding a girl he's not really all that attracted to to have sex with.
P.S. I think you misunderstood mydiriasis' comment @82: I believe she was speaking about women. From your charming comment it's well-understood that *some* men will fuck anything with a heartbeat or even without.
I was so steamed I forgot to type that.
My self-esteem suffers from not being a billionaire. I'm not sure that men completely understand what that feels like to a single mother. Therefore, please send big piles of cash my way.
I was assuming that mydriasis's definition of "anyone" included men, but either way the difference between the (conventional) straight male experience and the (conventional) straight female experience was part of my point. OTOH, I've met more than one woman who has said she enjoys occasionally sleeping with a guy she doesn't like just for the sake of sex, and never seeing him again, so it's not JUST a guy thing.