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800 Maynard Ave S, Suite 200, Seattle, WA 98134
800 Maynard Ave S, Suite 200, Seattle, WA 98134
She's off to BM to cheat, cheat and cheat some more. Yet he seems to be unwilling to look at that. Or maybe he doesn't care and isn't saying. He needs to realize he's in an open relationship, then deal accordingly.
Note: just because a person has a partner it does not mean they are obligated to let everyone know all the time. It CAN be a nice/convenient way to fend off advances, but if you don't want to fend off advances, or perhaps (like me) you don't want to use the boyfriend as an excuse (you CAN be honest, you know, just say you aren't interested instead of playing the I have a boyfriend card), then you might avoid mentioning the partner. This doesn't mean you're planning to cheat. It might mean that say, that partner got angry when they were mentioned as part of an online discussion and so, as Dan mentions, the burning man partner changed their behaviour online (can't believe the LW doesn't see this connection but then again maybe they are just not subjective enough and maybe paranoia/suspicion is getting in the way of reason).
So, there's no way the LW's partner can respect his wishes: write about the relationship online?: Bad! Don't write about the relationship online?: Bad! Sounds like the LW should realise that he is trying to take away one of the few social outlets that his girlfriend has/chooses to have. That's not really cool at all. Unless she's spending ALL her free time, to the detriment of the relationship even, then he can't force her to give up this network of friends.
Sounds like some major trust issues have come up for the LW. It's time to figure out why he feels so insecure, instead of expecting his partner to alter her behaviour radically/cut down/cut out her social time to make room for his trust issues. He's never going to get over them that way, either. I understand trying to help your partner deal with these sorts of issues by going along with their wishes occasionally/somewhat, but that should be within reason and not to detriment of your life -- letting them be so controlling is not how it should go. LW needs to talk to his partner about his insecurities and trust issues.
15 Pounds in 3 weeks does sound very unhealthy, and not really sustainable.
But on the bright side: maybe that'll let them enjoy more chastity games down the road.
"[D]iscussing the ups and downs of our relationship in a public online forum" is another way of saying "airing our dirty laundry in public." To characterize it as being caught between simply talking about having a boyfriend and not talking about having a boyfriend at all is either a) pretty damned disingenuous, or b) hopelessly bad reading comprehension.
You can mention your boyfriend without mentioning that you had a fight with him last night. (Or that he's asked you to withhold sex until he loses 15 lbs, to tie the week's column up in a nice neat package). TMI is TMI for a reason, and it's not his fault his girlfriend deals only in the extremes of either embarrassing him by oversharing or else omitting reference to him entirely.
I'm willing to entertain the possibility that the reason she switched from oversharing to complete omission is because a) (maybe) she's stupid enough to think that was a good way to fix it, or b) (more likely) you explained your perspective really badly and she thinks that's how you wanted it -- as opposed to c) she is nefariously leaving you out because she intends to cheat on you with all those male forum members who have been complimenting her. In fact, I think that either a or b is far more likely than c, unless there are other reasons that you didn't mention that you think you can't trust her.
I do think it would be fair to bring it up again, and I don't think you need to frame it as "Aw, shucks, sorry I'm just so crazy and particular about this, but can you humor me?" Asking someone to stop broadcasting the embarrassing stuff about your relationship is perfectly reasonable, and going from that directly to complete omission is weird enough that asking about it a second time isn't paranoia. That said, Dan is quite right that someone who is intent on fucking your girlfriend at Burning Man isn't going to be dissuaded one little bit by her mentioning the boyfriend who isn't coming along to the party. Bearing the latter point in mind, it's probably not worth your while to bring it up again, let alone making a rule around it. (For starters, making a rule would imply that you intend to police it. Please tell me you aren't going to go there.)
Find some other way to persuade yourself that she is trustworthy.
He sounds like he's looking for either :
a - Dan's autorization to screw around, on the basis that the wife might "cheat emotionally" -- and WTF is that, a "committing sin in the mind" type of BS ?
b - Dan's autorization to lock up the wife and sever the little social ties she still has.
I'd advise the wife to DTMFA and enjoy life - very probably HBM will end up acting upon his own insecurities by doing both a) and b), instead of going to a mental health professionnal and find out what's wrong with him.
Oh word, let's judge ~90% of the population by letters written to an advice columnist because they're fucked up.
FFS
@10/griz
Not always.
@12/avast
I agree with 100% of your post there. The girlfriend sounds a little socially dense, and then, so does the boyfriend.
A few comments stand out: She doesn't have a lot of people she socializes with in her daily life. Wow. That could be a good thing, a bad thing, the way she likes it, indicative of some social anxiety, just an introverted personality, someone lonely, someone living in a fantasy world, etc. So many possibilities, but the way it's presented, it sounds like more than just describing the situation. I can't figure out if it's a problem or not. If it is a problem, it's a bigger one than whether she tells people she has a boyfriend.
Then there's: "I also feel like she saves the spontaneous, uninhibited and adventurous part of herself for these people at Burning Man." Okay, this is a problem. Whether or not she's sleeping with folks at Burning Man, and whether or not that's an issue for HBM, he sounds unhappy with being the boring steady guy at home while she has fun with everyone else.
"Does it sound like she is cheating emotionally?" What does that even mean? I'm seeing "emotional affair" all over the place now, and I sure would love to see that defined. I'd like to ask HBM "what does cheating emotionally mean to you?" There's a whole can of worms when you want to accuse someone of something when no one knows quite what it is.
17: "I'm seeing 'emotional affair' all over the place now, and I sure would love to see that defined."
I am no expert...but, oh, hell, I will simply appoint myself as one, just like everyone does!
I think it boils down to the emotional "cheater" (not really the correct word, I think, but we will use it for simplicity) is not really putting forth the emotional effort and enthusiasm their partner can reasonably expect. Instead that energy and enthusiams is quite obviously going to someone else, to the exclusion of the partner.
For example, wife puts on her best clothes, shaves her legs, tans, does her hair, make-up, and takes a power nap in the afternoon to have maximum energy...all for a good time with her friends, where she laughs, parties and looks great. Wandering home at 2:00 am, she tells her boyfriend she had the best, best time. Meanwhile, her boyfriend has not seen her do any such thing for him in 3 years. He gets only a woman rocking ratty sweatpants and a greasy ponytail who beds down at 9:30 pm after yawning that she is too tired for nookie, again.
Or hubby who is witty, charming, engaged and attentive towards his cute coworker at the near-daily lunch he has with her. But is a face-down-in-the-plate, monosyllabic grunter when eating dinner with his attention-starved wife later that same day.
Avast is better than Mr. Savage on parsing the possible nuances of letter one. But yeah, letterwriter needs to think some more about his own position on the forum thing and how his signals may be mixed.
Oh, and the assumption that girlfriend is going to Burning Man to bang others, I would note that a woman does not have to travel to get action. She can literally walk outside her front door and find it within minutes. So unless she finds the Burning Man thing a uniquely-charged sexual atmosphere, and thus goes there for that part of the thrill, she cheats there about as much as she cheats at home. But then, I guess that whole cliche about women and their "straycations" may have some validity. Who can say?
That said, I've run across the gf's type before: the quiet schmuck at home is the reliable home base, the dullness that puts the exciting bits in higher relief, the steady life that makes things like Burning Man trips and bangs and threads ever so much more interesting by comparison.
That's an interesting universe you live in there. I can't quite decide whether I'd like to visit it or not. But I know I've never been there.
I agree with the rest of Dan's answer: you can't have it both ways, HBN. You tell her not to talk about you, then you wonder why she doesn't talk about you. You've got her walking on eggshells, then you wonder why she isn't adventurous with you.
Personally, I think you should break up with her. Not because she did anything wrong, because she didn't. Just because you two aren't very compatible. And because you're not so good at this whole "communication" thing, you'd to well to find someone who is naturally a bit more on your same wavelength.
@Crinoline (#17) - an emotional affair is when someone who is married or otherwise in a committed relationship is in love with another person, but doesn't actually physically cheat. In other words, it's an affair without the sex or kissing.
#23: I think it's pretty natural for GF to stop talking about HBM completely after HBM "confronted" (his word choice) her about it. Why walk on eggshells when you can just sweep them out of the way?
*goes off in the corner to fume at men
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/insi…
That study referenced in the linked article comports well with the universe I live in. What does your universe look like?
As for "how you can both enjoy a little attention from members of the opposite sex without making the other person feel like shit" that's very simple: she can have an open relationship and feel OK while he can have a closed relationship and feel like shit.
She really doesn't sound like she's that into him any more. DTMFA. Seriously, a guy who makes a point of telling women who are potentially interested in him that he's attached is not a good match for a woman who goes to Burning Man alone and without any discussion of expectations of whether the relationship's open or closed.
Yes, you are.
The emotional affair sucks if you are the one at home = "She's just a friend" yeah, right. You can't control what someone thinks about. After 16 years of marriage, the 5 year affair with Jennifer wtf? Ouch I had to decide that I can find monogamy and love with someone else because Dawn isn't capable of that. I love her, I'm hurt and pissed, what can you do? Throw the baby out with the bath, or it's part of who she is? Is their S +M relationship anything different than the two of them playing video games or watching horror movies togather? The lies and "you are crazy for accusing me..." eventually fell wayside to "You can't get mad, but we do have this S+M relationship. I do lick her pussy and tie her up etc for 4 years. I want credit for that year I didn't when the emotional affair began."
So this happened 3 months ago and I'm still reeling, The lies and knowing she was lying drove me crazier than knowing what I dreaded was true. Now I get to regroup. I haven't even masterbated and thought of anyone else yet, but I'm starting to think I might soon. We were just too young I guess, or not evolved lesbians, but I meant my commitment. She says she wants us both, but understands that I deserve a gal who will give me what she said she would (fidelity) .This other relationship is too strong to quit that's why she was afraid to tell me, because she didn't want either to end. I know it was immature and rude of her, but I get it. Sometimes emotional affairs lead to real affairs with Foreplay or time to spell out their kinks. Please could you...Would you? Is it worth it to start?
Is Burning Man the long sought after bath house for straights? How long until the ratio of men to women at burning man is 25:1?
Yes, this. I have to wonder why he doesn't go with her to Burning Man? But I suspect the problem goes deeper than just their social calendar.
@39 - yes, possibly axe-murdered, but more likely jack-hammered for an hour, or gossiped about, or pregnant, or feeling used when the guy never calls you again, or infected with herpes, or... It's not just axe-murdered.
And the odds of the orgasm are pretty low: "only 11 percent of women in first-time hookups reported orgasm"
http://www.salon.com/2012/09/05/can_hook…
Havent cheated, dont plan to cheat.
It's not --allways-- about the sex folks.
Plus come on - you don't even know this woman - stop assuming things about her motivation. People who are introverted ('have a narrow social circle, spend a lot of time online) at home are usually introverted everywhere else too. Perhaps she just wants to see her friends in real life for once, kick back and have a good time.
http://www.buzzfeed.com/doree/can-you-di…
OK (now to everyone else) here's what I think went on in her brain, to be taken with a salt mine because my only contact with this woman is through a letter someone else wrote.
If she doesn't have a lot of friends in her daily, real world life, she's probably getting the friendship she needs online. A lot of people do, especially those whose interests are underserved in their home communities. She probably didn't think of her actions as airing dirty laundry publicly, but as discussing her relationship with her friends, forgetting, as I've seen happen, that EVERYONE can read these discussions, not just the participants. People discuss their love lives with their friends all the time.
I have a few other thoughts about this situation. She might be discussing her relationship in private emails not yet turned up by HBM's fairly non-thorough snooping. Also, if he says he "confronted her", it's possible her term would be "yelled at", and she felt the need to err on the side of caution. There are a lot of unknowns here so I suggest those wild weekends I mentioned earlier be littered with frank discussions over really good wine.
The main problem with an emotional affair is that it often is a very real threat to the original relationship, because it can't be consummated until the original relationship dies. In addition, a person who is happy with their original relationship will find a way to tamp down that initial crush so that it doesn't threaten what they have with their original partner. Sexual affairs do not always have these characteristics, but emotional ones do.
@50, those comments have the hallmarks of Slog's resident obsessed closet-case troll. I don't know what he's on about - and "everyone" here is just one guy so don't worry too much about it - but you can rest assured it probably has to do with internalized homophobia and a pathological fixation/crush on Dan.
End of line.
1) The one losing the weight is the one who requested the withholding.
2) There is no evidence from LIL's letter that there is a problem with libido failure in the couple.
Congrats to LIL for having made it work. But anybody reading both situations and thinking it might be worth a shot, be very careful if you are the one imposing the abstinence/rationing on the other person in order to "incent" them to drop the pounds. Be especially careful if you are starting from a situation of impaired libido.
BTW, fat contains roughly 3500 kCal per pound. Dropping 15 pounds of it implies a shortfall of around fifty two thousand calories. Over three and a half weeks, that means generating a calorie deficit of around two thousand calories a day, which is to say, your entire daily calorie ration. What did you do, fast the whole time?
Also, the recommended 2,000 daily calories does not take into account A) weight-loss (the recommended goal for which is generally 1,500 calories taken in daily), B) higher amounts of exercise (which affects the energy balance without needing to reduce calories taken in), or C) differences in metabolisms among different people.
Ummm... I don't think that's how that works. You have to have a deficit of calories below what your body requires to maintain your current weight not just reduce the calories you are currently eating. If you need 2k calories to maintain your weight and are eating 4k then dropping down to 2k will only halt your weight gain (what that calorie amount is varies greatly from person to person, 2k is an average). A deficit of 2k is usually bad regardless of what your maintenance calories are, because the base level for bodily functions is around 1,200 calories (again an average, individuals vary) and running a deficit of 2k calories is likely to drop you below that base level.
That being said: that 15lbs was probably not all fat. A lot of people when they just start out dieting lose a bunch of water weight because they eat fewer salty foods and drink more water if their exercising. When I started trying to lose weight this year it took me longer than 3.5 weeks to lose 15lbs but I was able to drop almost 5lbs the first week because I stopped eating some foods that made me retain water.
A pound of fat has around 3500 kcal, but a pound of fatty tissue has significantly fewer calories. Fatty tissue consists of fat, protein and water.
@68:
The first few days of energy deficit, your body uses up its glycogen stores (= carbohydrate). Again, the glycogen stores also contain water. And, when the glycogen is broken down to gain energy, water is formed. Only after the first few days, the body starts to break down fatty tissue for energy, but will simultaneously also use muscle protein to get energy.
In general, it is easier for men to lose fatty tissue and maintain lean body mass (- muscle protein).
It's a mystery.
Just shut the fuck up. We don't care. You went to a week-long rave and lived on baby-wipes and drugs. We get it, and we just don't fucking care.
"Though nothing can bring back the hour
Of splenda in the grass, of glory in the flower..."
http://deadspin.com/5941348/they-wont-ma…
Not all men are attracted to women than the other way. Some women are more attracted to men than the average man is attracted to women. It is not always the women with the biggest boobs or the prettiest faces.
Many women like good sex, not bad sex, so they seem less interested than men. But with a man who can turn them on, many women want just as much sex as men.
Church!
Did you intend your response for # 86?
Did you intend to respond to #86?
Yeah, as Cliff Pervocracy famously said, "Apparently dudes will fuck anything that moves… unless it’s wearing last season’s eyeshadow, gawd."
No? I intended to respond to 87 :)
I can't comment on burning man. I've never been, nor do I plan on going.
Haha! I read that girl's WHOLE blog a while back. Her cosmocking is quite entertaining.
Sorry. I guess I just didn't follow your response at all. Never mind. Not a big deal since I don't really plan on going either. I was just wondering.
In this case, having an emotional affair would mean saving the adventerous, uninhibited side of her personality for her friends online while being boring wifey to her partner.
An emotional affair is usually defined as a friendship or other emotional relationship that seriously interferes with your ability to connect with your partner for whatever reason. Like if a person spends the majority of their "fun time" with friends away from their partner and their partner basically gets the boring day to day stuff like eating, getting ready for work and paying the bills. Some people throw the term around for silly reasons, because their relationship isn't working, but it's basically when a partner is using other people to get their emotional needs met and avoid meeting their partner's emotional needs.
According to wikipedia.
I always assumed it was sort of like a woodstock/coachella type deal except extra grimey?
Every single one is emotionally immature, self absorbed and TERRIBLE at life. Ugh. They're so unbearably lame.
They tend to excel at sex. I think because they have it, rather than watch a bunch of meaningless porn and jerk off.
My point is, if my horny-ass self can do that, she can avoid fucking anyone at Burning Man.
That said, Burning Man has changed dramatically over the years. Many moons ago it was a unique music festival - and at the risk of being bashed by other attendees - it was kind of like an west coast woodstock. Yes, free love was very common in earlier years - but it was much more a celebration of art, music and creative sub-culture.
Now, for better or worse, Burning Man has evolved from an arts festival and become more like a gay circuit party. And to dan's point, alot more folks go to BM who frequent "fantasy fest" in Key West than in the past.
Ok, all that said, for perennial BM attendees, there is a full, large and passionate group of folks who participate in online forums throughout the year. No different than most large social groups (SCA, Leather, BD/SM, etc) who have folks that use the internet to communicate thoughout the year. So for him to bust a vein over her posts was really short-sighted. She clearly uses BM forums as a way to be part of a community - not as a pretense to pull a sex-train during the event.
And, the reality is, you get out of BM what you put into it. If youre there to whore around, you're going to whore around. If you're going there to suspend reality for a few days, and meet old friends, meet new friends, see some incredible art and creative stuff - and great music - you'll never find a better place.
SOUNDS LIKE TRUST ISSUES HERE!
So if it makes you happy, can't be that bad right? How many times did you jerk thinking about your girlfriend getting railed by a group of guys while she was a way and out of contact?
And the idea of mutually agreeing to withhold sex is brilliant. Imagine the teasing....
Thanks for a good read today.
Given the lack of information, I and everyone else commenting can only do so through the lense of their personal experiences and biases. HBM comes off as confused and really needs to "talk" to someone about his feelings/fears. In a healthy relationship that would be his partner, but once again I have no clue about his relationship. Seeking professional help might be better. Too many unknown variables to provide any concrete advice.
Given how important it apparently is to his partner, I have a hard time believing that he didn't take the time to find out what Burning Man was. Who doesn't have access to the web either personally or at a library? In 10+ years he's never attended the event? When she gets back HBM should suggest attending future events togetner. Her response/reaction should let him know if there is a problem or something to worry about (besides how they communicate)
Posting to an open on-line forum can be a real issue in a relationship. A lot depends on whether or not it is done anonymously. Unless it is one of you kinks, nobody really likes to be or feel publicly humiliated.
It's perfectly reasonable for HBM not to be comfortable with every private detail of his personal life being aired in a public forum. I don't buy the idea that hiding his existence from her friends is a natural reaction to his wanting to have some privacy about some things.