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800 Maynard Ave S, Suite 200, Seattle, WA 98134
800 Maynard Ave S, Suite 200, Seattle, WA 98134
Talk with your partner while dressed, sitting together on the couch, maybe with a glass of wine. Out of scene, out of role. Talk about the possibility of you acting as a "service top" -- someone who does the tying, spanking, caning, pegging (or whatever), but without maintaining the Domly Tone that only comes with more confidence. (And no need to put on a corset! The top decides what the top wears.)
It's relatively easy to get good at providing those physical services, and many subs enjoy bottoming and appreciate the strong physical sensations. Adults should be able to admit that quite often they really want a spanking (or whatever) and aren't just submissively enduring it for their cherished dom.
It may also be possible to find a sympathetic outside dom who will partner with you (perhaps in exchange for gifts, like a new BDSM toy every few months). The outside dom can assign weekly or monthly tasks that take a lot more of the sub's time than the dom's time, and can let you know when your sub has earned some "fun-ishment." They would see the sub every once in a while, but your role would be to take the edge off the sub's desire with all that topping in between.
When your heart is in the right place ("I want to please her," "I am happy to do lighter stuff"), it would be a shame to stop exploring that side of things as if this were a fetish-too-far for you.
http://www.adamevetoys.com/sp-ultimate-f…
If you google adam and eve discount code I'm sure you can even get 50% off or something like that on top of the usual free stuff they offer.
I suppose he has some standing to object if you can't be bothered to do anything more exotic than jeans and a worn out t-shirt. If the vibe you are giving off is "I am not excited by this and don't care about making it exciting for you," he has cause to call you on it.
Yours is a good idea about alternative arrangements. And it's nice to see Mr Savage opine on the economic side. I'll assume that their marriage and relationship improving have much to do with his being nicer to her because his kink is being indulged. I'm sure she'd be equally nicer to him if she were spending $400 per month on something he won't or can't do with her and about which she's equally passionate - playing tennis, perhaps? If the amount were higher, I'd suggest golf, an activity perhaps more polarizing than sex, and perhaps even more absorbing - but a country club membership only one of them used would probably run to more than $400 a month. But surely she's mostly abstaining to be responsible and save for the house - if not, she's on shakier ground than one assumes.
We don't know what their budget amount is for discretionary spending. I'll guess that he thinks he's entitled to almost all of it because of her outsourcing, and that she thinks that, if she kicks in almost all of her share into the house savings, so should he. I like neither position. My rough draft would be for him to cut back in half, and for her to give him a second whirl once every two or three months, either herself if she could stand it or standing him to a treat. It's a very rough draft; feel free, anyone to shape it differently.
I tend to agree with Mr Savage on this one, although the closing example isn't that strong, as there are some expenses that become much more bearable when they are known to be temporary, and a marriage improved by one-spouse counseling ought to be able to sustain relationship improvements after a time on its own, not?
Other question: your husband fallen in love with his domme? Some people are temperamentally monogamous and will have issues maintaining two sexual relationships.
You say your relationship and sex life have improved but you also say he’s angry and defensive. It might be time to sit down with a bottle of wine and talk things over.
I hope it works out for HMSTIT and her spouse.
Sports talk with Billy Savage this week? What does Bill think of the Seahawks this Sunday against Denver? GO, SEAHAWKS!!
It's as if you posted your resume to a job board and he contacted you, saying that he was an employer and demanding that you therefore report for work tomorrow, without so much as an interview. That guy, you would have absolutely no problem laughing in his face. But for some reason you felt a reason to be polite to this asshole.
No, that isn't how it works, whether it's a job, or a date, or a BDSM relationship. You make inquiries, you investigate, you make sure everything is acceptable to both parties, and until both parties say "Go," nobody owes anybody anything.
What's more, if things don't continue to work out, you are free to withdraw unilaterally. Go back on the site, reactivate your account, and hand this fuckhead over to the moderators -- because if he is doing this to you, you may be absolutely sure he is doing it to as many as put up with it from him.
Oh and kudos for getting Mollena's advice - she is pretty awesome and I can't recommend her and Lee's book enough.
Why is HSMTIT's husband's happiness worth $400/month, but HSMTIT's isnt?
They have a finite amount of disposable income, and her husband is allowed to spend a good portion of it on his kink - what if it makes her happy to get a mani/pedi every fucking week? If that was getting in the way of their savings goals, I bet the husband would tell her to cut it out - it's a luxury, not a necessity.
Why is seeing a pro Dom - multiple times per month - some sort of inalienable right?
Have we crossed the line from sex-positive and into sex-obsessed? Have we lost all perspective? Sex is IMPORTANT. But sex is not EVERYTHING. Husband's desire for BDSM should be respected and encouraged, but that doesn't mean it has to be bankrolled, especially when they cannot afford it.
Here's life: when times are tough, or you have an important goal like buying a house, or just when you have finite resources, you BOTH cut back on the unnecessary expenditures. Maybe you don't go out as much, you quit shopping, you cut down your cable package.
But you don't ask one person - HSMTIT - to do all the saving and skrimping so that you can spend on a really expensive hobby.
Assuming that she has cut back on her own spending, I don't see why husband should be allowed to run buck wild with this. It's no different than if he wanted to buy a house and she kept spending all their money shopping, saying, "But honey, I just need to EXPRESS myself with new clothes". Bullshit - you don't get everything you want in life. If you can't afford it, you just cant. Boo fucking hoo.
Tell the husband to grow up, watch porn, see the pro a few times a year, and indulge him in what you're comfortable with - or DTMFA.
Obviously, they didn't work out all the details very well, and obviously HSMTIT didn't have a realistic expectation of what this sort of thing costs. But now they need to have a conversation about how much they can afford for him to do this - just because she gave him the OK to see a pro, which I think is nice and GGG and all that, doesn't mean he has carte blanche to spend money on this.
Turning it around and acting like she's an unsupportive, un-GGG spouse for wanting to have a BUDGET is manipulative, unappreciative, and just plain bullshit.
The key is that she didn't cut him off, she ASKED him to find a cheaper pro or to go less often, both of which are....reasonable requests to keep the financial expenditure lower. And he freaked out, because he only heard the "go less often" part and not the "because this is a significant financial expenditure that strains our budget." The key question here, then, is how much money spent annually on his sexual needs (and her sanity, because he's not pressuring her for a kind of sex that she's not interested in) is acceptable to their budget?
If he's going to a pro every two weeks, that's $5200 a year. If he goes to the same pro once every three weeks, that's about $3500. Big, big, big difference. If he goes once every four weeks, that's $2600. If he goes to the pro once every four weeks, and finds a party like #15 suggests every four weeks, then he's still getting his fix every two weeks, and they're paying significantly less money.
I think the best thing HSMTIT can do is think for her husband a bit since he's feeling defensive and threatened and not thinking. Find a local munch, find out when they meet, and maybe meet one or two of them without him there. Then, after doing that, sit him down with the pile of receipts from his domme, the time and place of the next munch, and explain again that, this is about money, the money is the issue, not the sex, and oh look, here is an alternative that you can look into. It shows good faith on her part, reassures him that it really is the money and not the sex, and gives him an out to save face. They'd need to renegotiate the rules, but that's what a successful relationship does when things are not working.
And if he point-blank refuses to even try, then HSMTIT knows what she's working with.
f it turns out she doesn't like that, then perhaps she's more into seeing you try and tearing you down. Tell her you're not into that.
What it's logical to spend on unbalanced recreational activities (e.g. one of you loves snowboarding, one of you loves staying home and catching up on reading) is always going to be a more complicated discussion than what you spend on something you always do together and enjoy equally.
Okay, but are you suggesting it should be a mortal or venial sin?
Also, HSMTIT, if he put up a huge complaint when asked to cut back you should probably ask yourself what level of attachment is forming between him and the dom.
Not to freak you out, but I'm now engaged to a guy I met while trying to meet needs via a paid service when my previous partner wouldn't. Just because he's paying now doesn't mean there isn't something real going on - I'm proof positive of that.
When you have a person who's willing to go that far and no social convention about being a fucking lunatic, asking them nicely to not be a crazy shithead is not going to work.
Believe me, while the behavior alone that you described would be enough for someone to at least intervene and tell a potentially naïve top that that's not how it's done, but the fact that he has multiple accounts on this site (and the fact that he's using them to harass you, especially after you have blocked him) is way beyond the rules,contains red flags of the brightest color, and strongly suggests that he has done this before.
Believe me, your fetish community would appreciate knowing about this person, plus it would put you in touch with scene elders who could give you some proper guidance on what to look for in general and how to interpret this as the aberration that it is.
I'm very sorry that that happened to you, but while people like that are unfortunately out there, they are not the norm and real BDSM community members will not tolerate it.
HSMTIT's husband should try to make his trips a monthly $250 expense. If he wants more, he should be obligated to get the money in a way that does not interfere with getting a down payment on a house.
"LowCom" and "CrèmeDe" in my everyday vocabulary.
First: " I am happy to do lighter stuff, but I am not interested in squeezing into an uncomfortable corset and using a flogger on him. It doesn't turn me on."
"Not interested?" "Doesn't turn me on?" So, you don't do anything sexual for him unless that thing also turns you on? Is it okay if he behaves the same way towards you? About, say, oral? I'm pretty sure that GGG means doing for your partner -- and doing it cheerfully -- the things that make her happy and get her off, provided they don't hurt you or make you actively unhappy. Mere disinterest does not qualify.
Second: the fact that she gave permission but then effectively revoked it, albeit under a different excuse. I can see how that feels to him like her being disingenuous. Also a little selfish, in that she doesn't seem to be doing anything to help mitigate the condition she just imposed.
I completely agree that wrecking the family budget is a huge no-no, but right now she is having it all her way -- a) leave me out of it, b) go get it elsewhere if you must, BUT c) don't spend what it takes to go get it elsewhere. Giving permission while imposing conditions that make it impossible to follow through feels dishonest.
This is not the same as the bicycling metaphor, specifically because she is capable of spanking him -- by contrast, she isn't capable of being that fancy carbon nanotube bicycle frame -- but she just doesn't feel like it. My position boils down to "choose any two." If you aren't prepared to let him spend so that you don't have to do it yourself, then you had better relent and start doing at least some of it yourself, without complaining. This is the same concept whether we are talking about domming or about hiring someone to rake the leaves. If you are the one saying "We can't afford a gardener," then get your ass out in that yard.
And one of the things with a hobby like biking (or opera or snowboarding) is that the money expended on it can vary hugely. And the return on a particular investment can be legitimate but hard for the nonbiker to comprehend (the fancier gloves make a huge difference to this particular biker), or ragingly silly (the novice biker with an expensive helmet they're wearing backward is the classic example here).
So is $200 a steal on doms? Is it top market but he doesn't want to feel like some amateur? Is it top market but there are legitimate differences that make spending more for this one dom worth it to him? Preferences and budget have to have a meeting somewhere, in food budgets and S&M budgets and everywhere else.
"I don't want to golf with you" and "I'm not okay with golf being the biggest monthly expenditure after rent when we're trying to save for a house" are not contradictory positions to hold. Nor is "When I said you should throw yourself into golf I was thinking it would be lower than the car payment."
People who are new to this often don't understand that the floggers/crops/canes etc. are tools that make the top's life easier. A wooden spoon or a belt will work instead of anything fancy. And many people don't understand that most subs are at least half bottoms, who don't know how to separate out the roles of bottom (ask politely) and sub (obey politely).
I think GUOB and HSMTIT (and their partners) should do a bunch of reading (in the SM 101 genre) and a bunch of talking to their partners, to figure out how to make this exploration more fun and less stressful. It's really not that hard, and once you know more about the mechanics of delivering intense sensation, it's not hard to start bringing in some dominant energy too. But their partners also have to accept that it won't be the perfect fantasy they have in their minds, not at first anyway.
Between her comments about "the pressure was off me" and "sex life got better," it sounds like it had gotten to the point where she was dreading sex, and where she didn't want to bone him at all, because he was pushing her to do something she just did not want to do, full stop. So she did the GGG thing and let him outsource it, and things got better. They're still fucking, and she is willing to do light BDSM, because she said she was. He's happy, she's happy.....except for the money.
Which she didn't discuss beforehand, because she didn't know how much they cost or how often he would go, and he didn't discuss beforehand because reasons.
Asking him to either see a pro less often or find a less expensive pro is NOT cutting him off...it's quite the opposite. By presenting those as options to him, she is explicitly leaving his going to a pro domme on the table, with the new boundary that it not blow their budget. That's not the same as "don't spend what it takes," it's "spend LESS overall." I don't see either of the do-not-blow-the-budget conditions (less often or less expensive) as being impossible to meet, either. If he goes every three weeks instead of every two, that's a savings of $1800/year for the $200/session domme. If he finds a pro who charges $150 for a session instead of $200, that's a savings of $1300/year for every two weeks and $2600/year if he goes every three weeks.
Or, he could keep going like they're going and drive a wedge between them, because she was GGG enough to let him go see a pro in the first place (and things got better!) but he's not willing to take that gesture for what it was and participate in their shared financial goals.
Dominant women who don't charge are few and far between, and while some of them will play with a variety of men, many of them are looking for relationships and are expecting to have sex with the men they play with. Submissive men are a dime a dozen in the scene, sadly.
The wife may get a whole new complaint -- that her husband is spending too much of his free time in social circles where she doesn't want to go. And if he finds a kinky woman, he may get too attached to her. A pro is much less emotionally messy.
I was in the position of playing with a man married to a non-kinky woman, and although the wife had given permission, her jealousy grew and grew and became unmanageable. I walked away from it because I couldn't handle the unhinged demands she was making (e.g., forbidding him to ride in my car, forbidding me to wear perfume, forbidding me to drive on the street they live -- a major city street close to my home!, forbidding him to kiss me). I was the least threatening, least predatory person you could imagine, but you'd have thought I was a homewrecker.
I don't have direct experience but from what I've heard, $200 + tip sounds like a reasonable rate for a generic session. For comparison, I don't know of any sort of personal service you can get for under $50/hour these days. (How much does a woman's haircut cost?) The lady doing the domme session has to prepare before and pack up and decompress after: an hour's session is not just an hour's work. More importantly, this is a person who's going to be tieing HSMTIT's husband up, so he's helpless if things go wrong, and then making him hurt, hopefully just the right amount, hopefully without permanently harming him. Think about the possible downsides if things go wrong. Is this really a situation where quality is not important?
So I think "less expensive" must mean "less frequent". But I don't think "a few times a year" for the mainstay of Mr. HSMTIT's sex life sounds very realistic, either. If staying with HSMTIT means having less sex than he could have as a single guy for the privilege of buying a house he doesn't want, how does the marriage make sense for him?
I think at the moment the couple need to sit down and have a discussion about the fundamentals of their relationship. I can understand why Mr. HSMTIT thinks she is reneging on her deal, and why she needs to. And he apparently agreed to help buy a house with her and is now reneging on that: from his actions, it doesn't sound like that's something he really values. So at the least they need to renegotiate both those deals. But they should also honestly revisit whether they're still sexually compatible.
@44: I'm a guy who's experimented, a little, with being sub. I can speak to HSMTIT's situation, and maybe give her perspective she doesn't have. I have nothing to offer GUOB.
I agree that if something is a kink too far she shouldn't have to participate; but my reaction hinged on her words, which was (in my reading) much closer to "meh, whatever" than "eww, barf, you are destroying my sexual concept of you." If (emphasis on if) someone is merely disinterested, she should be willing to step up her game to please her partner -- that is, if she ever expects him to reciprocate, and most especially if the reason the gap is widening is because of something she is insisting on.
"Cut, cut! I'm sorry dear, it's just that your ...tone... is all wrong. Now, once more, with feeling, darling."
Apparently the top priority sex toy that GUOB needs to purchase is a ball gag.
I think that GUOB's girlfriend needs to stop bringing up her "tone" in the middle of sex and talk about it later. That seems like kind of controlling and definitely not sub behavior. She should have a conversation during a non sexy time and what GUOB's girlfriend wants, with examples and stuff. When someone is working hard to be GGG, "sorry sweet, it's just not doing it for me" is the last thing you want to hear during sex. "Let's drop the switching tonight and come back to it later," might be a better thing to say.
But she doesn't want to do that. She doesn't want to make any effort herself to accommodate his needs, but she is expecting him to voluntarily sacrifice those needs to accommodate her. Where is his incentive to say yes to this? It is frankly a shitty bargain.
She needs to make it worth his while to stop spending at the pro domme -- and by far the simplest and least expensive way for that to happen is for her to pick up the damn flogger and smack him around a bit herself.
Even if she matched his current pro visit schedule date for date, she would still end up doing it once every two weeks or so. Gosh, once every fourteen days. What a burden. And the rest of the time she would be in that much better of a position to ask for something special in the way of GGG perks from him for her benefit. Even if that meant something like the most boring but loving vanilla sex you ever saw.
So yes, it is hell of relevant. Her rather casual reluctance to go there merely highlights how relevant it is.
Further, if a guy showed up at a munch and said "my wife knows I'm here and just isn't into this" it would actually be refreshing. I can totally respect that. It's the ones who say, "I need to be discreet because my wife doesn't know and wouldn't understand" that bother me. And if the wife wanted to come out just to meet the rest of us, that would be great too.
But that's just me. YMMV. Etc. Etc.
Besides the obvious answer that OSLs generate higher comment levels than SSLs for a variety of reasons, Mrs Housesaver's introduction of the economic element is more of an extension into a new direction. A few times in recent memory Mr Savage has struck me as temporarily channeling Mrs Romney or Lord Grantham in his answers when it's been plausible to read into an answer of his that he's assumed a LW to enjoy the command of well-above-average funds. This letter has the feel of a sequel. I can think of a couple of LWs who were advised to outsource who might well have written back had the outsourcing introduced a new strain of a financial nature.
It is a reasonably fresh question to compare the relative natures of saving for a house and satisfying an unshared kink. Also, how is the outlay to be proportioned?
On a side note, it occurred to me yesterday that it might be rather fun if, after the house is bought, LW were to become a fanatical bridge player who developed a desire to go to clubs and tournaments and obtain the rank of Life Master. (Come to think of it, fanatical bridge players do rather remind me somewhat of kinksters, with the advantage of being able to indulge the passion generally to a more advanced age.) Husband might not mind playing social bridge, but might dislike clubs and tournaments, or perhaps might just not have card sense enough to be able to make himself into an adequate partner despite sincere efforts to improve. Happily, outside non-professional bridge partners are much less threatening to a marriage than outside non-professional sex partners, and many players eventually become Life Masters as the result of normal networking and sufficient amount of time at the table in the exercise of their skills. Some, who perhaps cannot attract sufficiently good partners, are in a hurry, or perhaps might feel they can learn more, hire professional partners. This strikes me as a much better parallel for Mr Savage's closing comparison to therapy, as bridge is much more hit-or-miss than BDSM (the professional has much less control over the situation), as well as being similarly along the lines of teaching someone to fish rather than giving someone a fish.
You are right, the thrust of the HSMTIT's letter is not, "Should I learn to flog my husband?" Rather it is strongly pointed towards "How can I get him to spend less money at the pro-domme?" The answer is, if you want him to cut back, you make it worth his while to cut back. And the simplest, cheapest, and most effective way to make it worth his while is to pick up the slack yourself. (Provided the activity doesn't squick you out so thoroughly you are going to need to spend the savings on a therapist for yourself afterwards. But that doesn't seem to be the case here.)
Finding a professional who provides a sufficiently equivalent level of service for half the price is unlikely. Cutting back from 24 times a year to 4, there is no way to make that not be a huge cut in service. Combine the two and forget it; there is no way that you have not drastically reduced his sexual satisfaction by something like 95%.
Guilting him into simply sucking it up so the two of you can make that downpayment and a Christmas that meets your standards will lead to resentment and ultimately fracture the relationship. Particularly in the case where you sent him there in the first place because you couldn't be bothered to meet that need yourself. Because the message you are sending is, "Your needs don't matter to me. This thing that you find important, I find boring, and therefore I expect you to just give up most of it." He would not be out of line to come back with "Fuck you and your downpayment, fuck you and your Christmas, looks to me like we shouldn't even be buying the house together in the first place because the two of us are so sexually incompatible. How about we spend all that savings on a couple of divorce lawyers?"
Again: Either make the new deal attractive to him, or expect him to resent it. You want him to cut back? Then make it worth his while to cut back.
Something else is going on with that that they need to look deeper into.
Good for her, for being so able to let him go out and do that.
And no, Dan, spending that kind of money on a shrink and getting the same results, is not comparable. Shrinks are covered by insurance mainly, and this guy is sneaking around, spending their shared money! He's not showing signs of wanting to save for a house, which is a huge red flag, to me. I don't think that can be justified with the shrink comment.
FOF, creepy and stalkerish has no place in any kind of community, regardless of it being kink-oriented or not.
Tell a close friend you trust, that he's been bothering you, so somebody else knows what's going on, and who he is.
This pro-dom thing is forever, and that's the financial situation they're disagreeing on.
(For the record, and for once in my tiny kitty life, I agree with avast2006. While I do think his being defensive and not wanting to negotiate it down is very uncool, I don't get that she feels strongly enough to justify a total refusal to DIY.)
This dude's sexual wish fulfillment has no more relevance than any other personal wish fulfillment would have (an expensive pilates membership, twice a month $200 spa days, etc...). Treating the guy's desires to be flogged as a basic human right is fucking ridiculous.
If she'd have thought of this, my wife would be driving her Bentley right now.
Well, more people would be happy if they were less stuck in bad relationships, of course.
Is it the other way around and he's overspending money he didn't earn?
Yes, marriage is a partnership, but maybe a house is HER goal, not his.
>> He spent more going to his pro in December than he did on Christmas!>>
Yes, it ain't exactly kosher for the husband to deplete their assets indulging his Domme desires, especially if they can ill afford it as a couple. However, it seems like HSMTIT shoulders a significant portion of the responsibility for her predicament by not being properly conscientious from the start about allowing her husband to seek outside satisfaction of his interests.
Being GGG is both great & admirable but it is not enough to blithely say, "Well, I won't do it for you but I give you permission to get it elsewhere" & think that is that.
These two are in a very committed relationship (a marriage in this instance) so there truly should have been much better communication at the beginning to establish the parameters of her hubby's extracurricular activities in order to devise an arrangement that both of them could comfortably practice. During such discussions, that would have been an excellent time & an obvious opportunity to find out just how often he was planning on seeing a pro & how much it would cost. Maybe then they could have started on the same page & avoided the conflict now.
Yes, this is entirely anecdotal but every poly, open, or monogamish relationship I have ever known to actually work has definitely involved each party being a LOT more familiar with what the other party is doing outside the relationship than HSMTIT appears to have been here.
It comes off like HSMTIT expressed her disinterest in doing the Domme herself, gave her permission for a pro, & just washed her hands of it until the bills came in. Frankly, this feels pretty lazy. Negligent even.
It really makes me wonder just how well these two truly communicate period. Or how much effort was put into seeing if they could explore BDSM inside the relationship before seeking outside assistance.
@61: whew! What's your wife DIY'ing for you...? And there's no reason the gift of a Bentley can't be retroactive!
@61: whew! What's your wife DIY'ing for you...? And there's no reason the gift of a Bentley can't be retroactive!
Quite fucking true.
It could just be that he doesn't quite believe she's cool with it. I've seen many men who have previous experiences with sex-negative or emotionally manipulative women who are almost afraid to be sexually satisfied because they're just waiting for the other shoe to drop. They think that any sexual satisfaction must immediately be followed by the false rape accusation, or the tear-soaked drunken demand for an engagement ring, or the little pink plus sign on the pee stick, or jealousy and guilt-tripping and accusations and telling his grandma what a pervert he is. These men are practically broken by former emotional abuse and have a hard time grasping that this isn't just some universal pattern for "how relationships work." It's not inconceivable to me that the husband fears "Go ahead and see a pro" was a cleverly-laid trap instead of a genuine attempt to get his needs met. He may need some reassurance of her good faith.
Griz update: I could use it to celebrate if all goes well with
my OB-GYN situation, and the endometrial ablation works
like a charm.
Wish me luck, everybody!
LW3- you need to sit down with your hubby and plan a budget for EVERYTHING. This includes making the household budget where you guys can set something aside each month for the house. Budget out for your utilities, insurance (if you can afford that), food & gas, savings, etc. This will be a perfect time where you and hubby can schedule out a budget for his sexy time. Couples who do not break up over money are couples who budget together (except for couples that are happy with one controlling finances...). This will prevent future arguments.
I think you have LW3 exactly right. wxPDX@43 said something similar. They really need to have a thorough conversation about their budget and make some sort of agreement/compromise about their priorities.
Maybe try a bit of RolePlay in the mix. Cook up an alternate persona in your head (maybe use some props, costuming trappings like a mask to help get into it) and 'be in character' in your head prior to stepping into the room as the Dom. You might approach it as a Roleplay exercise rather than a sexual one at first (at least in your head, your partner can get off on her end) to keep the performance pressure off. Talk w your lady about it first so you are both ready. Don;t focus on the 'O' moment but instead, just try enjoying the exploration. Baby steps at first.
I write about what it is like being a gay high school student, among other things. I'm new to this, so any feedback at all would be super helpful! Thanks!
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