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800 Maynard Ave S, Suite 200, Seattle, WA 98134
800 Maynard Ave S, Suite 200, Seattle, WA 98134
That was also my first impulse. My second was to lecture LW on the mental and physical health risks associated with anxiety.
(the “Hunter Seems to Like Me For Some Reason” issue)
Dan’s main takeaway for this week: “meddling mommy impulses are a requirement for this gig.”
My very own giveaway: Avoid anal sex while intoxicated. At some point I noticed her using the glass cleaner spray on my nightstand as a lube…
Of course,
But there's no harm in friendly reminders to practice safe sex apropos of nothing. If LW is afraid of meddling but isnt content with total inaction, she could just mention the benefits of TruVada for some manufactured reason instead of mentioning the CL ad.
My limited experience of people who have had a relationship all their own way for a period of time suggests that they aren't likely to be grateful for a new paradigm even when it allows the relationship to continue in an altered state. But Mr Savage has the mailbag.
Or, upon moving in, did boyfriend discover something so sexually unappealing about CHEAT that it killed his desire? It's possible to hide a myriad of bad habits through the first months, or even year, of a relationship, but time and proximity tend to reveal the flaws. Personally, the longer I'm with someone I truly love, the more I tend to find (most of) my partner's supposed flaws endearing, rather than distancing. But I have heard of people discovering big turn-offs further into a relationship than I'd have thought likely.
Or is boyfriend asexual, and once he had CHEAT hooked, sighed in relief and gave up pretending he liked sex?
Yes. It's called bait and switch, and it's extremely common.
Bingo! Even though I have no idea who the late David Rees was.
My friend Sharon Hyman is making a documentary about couples who live separately, ‘Apartners.’
What a fantastic parenthesis!!!
DEFEAT: "Arousal helps," said Glickman." Ya think? DEFEAT could get his guy to tease him mercilessly until he's gagging to be penetrated. Until he has to beg. He could also let the guy just finger him at first, and maybe frotting. Anticipating something huge being shoved up your arse is a great way to get your arse to seize right up.
And I'm gonna go against CMD @4 and recommend anal sex while intoxicated. Whatever substance gets you the most relaxed -- booze, weed, ecstasy, poppers -- try that. Just don't overindulge and, uh, make sure you have actual lube handy.
Rowing @8: Good point, and this is the one I'd actually lead with. "Uh, you know you're recognisable in your Craigslist ad, right? My husband and I like to surf these for shits and giggles and there you were. Oh, by the way, if this is really what you're into, I hope you're playing safe blah blah."
BiDanFan: You’re welcome!
vennominon: Thank you.
Agreeing to monogamy isn't agreeing to mononongamy.
With an especially stubborn case like this, I'd go with a more aggressive treatment protocol and prescribe all of the above.
There was a time when I wasn't able to fit anything larger than a Magic Marker-sized dildo in me without causing extreme discomfort/pain, but the Square Peg Plugs are more rounded than the standard dildo. They will help to stretch you down in there in a very comfortable way. Just wear it until your body is ready for the next size up. Unfortunately, they're not cheap, but well worth the price.
I never thought I would ever enjoy anal play, but the Square Peg plugs changed all that.
Good luck.
Lol. "Monotonous" also works.
Also, this is terrifying: https://www.squarepegtoys.com/shop/mega-…
Luckily, I've learned it now.
Technically.. If you go and find yourself a lover, how is that cheating? The guy you live with is not your sexual partner, he gave that up a couple of years ago.
Position is vacant.
I suggest you break up with him. Because once you find a lover, you may feel like having a full life with that man.. And think of all the drama you'll avoid? Good clean breakup.
---------
That is exactly what happened to me in my marriage. Leaving him was the best thing I ever did. DTMFA.
No, your friend doesn't want helpful refractory period advice.
As other people said, the recognizability seems like the actual thing here.
[*] signoff wtf?
CHEAT: There's a word for someone you live with but don't have sex with: roommate. And there's a word for someone who wants to cheat on their sexless, childless, terminal illnessless relationship: chickenshit. Time to grow up and DTMFA.
@34: Personally, I wouldn't go near that thing either! I recommended the much smaller (and far less scary) 'egg plug.'
Yes. Questions a little on the light side this week. Probably because it's Dan's B'day, and he has party preparations..
I agree with you Chase. The Craigslist lady, is a bit on the interfering side. How will this young man take her comments? I'd not mention any of it to him. His business. Maybe she is just really bored with her own life. Maybe she secretly fancies this young man, and seeing pictures of his nakedness has just got her so hot, she's looking for excuses to talk dick pics with him.
Brilliant analysis.
Anyway, we shall have to differ on this one. I'm sure there are asexuals who are living happy, sex-free lives that they don't consider monotonous at all, and kinky folk married to vanilla ones who are shagging several times a week and bored silly.
I did want to put in my two cents on Dan's response to DERPES including the following: And speaking from experience, getting fucked right after you come sounds sexy in theory, but it's not much fun in reality. So I hope you're taking a refractory-period-length break—maybe for ice cream?—before the loser gets fucked.
Speaking from experience? DERPES is female, so, actually, she has no experience of a male refractory period. Lots of us vagina havers can come and keep right on coming, perhaps taking only a minute or two to catch our breaths. So I'd refrain from trying to give this gay man advice on gay male sex. "Speaking from Dan Savage's experience..." perhaps.
Wait... how did she get married to all those people in the first place?
Either way, I can't imagine she regrets any of those billions of divorces. Seems like that was the only way out.
You decide which I am.
Suffice to say, if I was in a relationship with no sex, I wouldn't call it monotonous, I'd call it over!
Ha! I agree with Ricardo, you probably nailed it.
truck @ 18
The spray fits neatly under the sink ever since.
Lava- the ambassador is on it’s way back.
BiDanFan @ 19
Reasonable intoxication is welcome, hopefully with someone you know and trust.
I was referring to a potentially traumatic event one can experience in the beginning of their anal sex career.
BiDanFan @ 58
And I would also challenge Dan’s ass-sesment as a penis haver. I’m much more relaxed after coming, which allows me to experience a smoother anal penetration.
Not right away though, please give me few minutes.
Venn- Once Lava and/or BiDanFan give me a color and/or style/s I’ll do my share to increase the fairly low ratings so far.
“Ricardo” is still in the process of being defined.
And his last line is what I originally meant when I first wrote "going Ricardo."
cockyballsup may possess the mind-controlling powers otherwise associated with our friend Dr. Aisabu.
Presumably you don't find science offensive? From the NYT:
Researchers have set its [lack of interest in sex with one's partner] prevalence among women between the ages of about 20 and 60 at between 10 and 15 percent. When you count the women who don’t quite meet the elaborate clinical threshold, the rate rises to around 30 percent.
This problem has caused lots of pain for lots of people, including plenty of folks here. It's insensitive to dismiss it as a stereotype simply because you don't have any direct experience with it. Well, at least not yet:
His surveys, involving a total of almost 2,500 subjects, comprise one of the few systematic comparisons of female and male desire at progressive stages of committed relationships. He shows women and men in new relationships reporting, on average, more or less equal lust for each other. But for women who’ve been with their partners between one and four years, a dive begins — and continues, leaving male desire far higher. (Within this plunge, there is a notable pattern: over time, women who don’t live with their partners retain their desire much more than women who do.)
Lesbian couples seem to fare no better, and maybe worse, in keeping their sexual ardor for each other.
Open relationships and ethical cheating seem to have replaced "get knocked up" in the top position of desperate attempts to resuscitate a dead relationship. Dan's penchant for promoting both seems to attract letter writers that just can't let go when shit is long past over.
If someone doesn't give a shit about your sexual needs, that person does not care enough about you for the relationship to be otherwise good. You just fear change irrationally. Just DUMP him, already. It seems scary now, but I promise you'll feel better once you get over it.
I am currently seeking service-connected PTSD & grief counseling through the VA,
the latter over the recent loss of both my beloved parents.
But please don't take it any of this personally if you don't belong to the group of people who lose sexual interest. We're not talking about you, we're talking about the people who do.
And just to clarify, I wasn't reproducing any stereotype, as I didn't lay the blame on either sex. First, because my knowledge of women who don't want sex is based 100% on hearsay (although sometimes they themselves were the ones who said it). Also, I've had a couple of BFs who bait-and-switched on me, not in frequency, but in the kind of sex: as soon as they thought that I was too deep into the relationship to just break it off, the sex became very vanilla, and I ended up, as you so eloquently put it earlier, a kinky person who was shagging several times a week but who was bored silly. Unfortunately for them, they underestimated my capacity to say "it's over."
Anyhow, CHEAT, like the LW from a few days ago, I'm sure the BF will decline, worried about the STD he presumably can't catch because he's presumably not having sex with you.
I strongly suspect LW is having regular sex with BF, just not the amount of sex he desires.
And you will find that your hemorrhoids ether stop acting up or rarely act up - they're caused by clenching your butthole, so learning to unclench is theraputic. While they're still with you, though, try soaking your butt in hot water (very hot but not hot enough to scald you) for 20 min morning and evening. If you can't soak it, but have a hose in the shower, a steady stream of very hot water does the same.
Lidocaine and the like are counter-productive, they irritate the skin and there's a pain bounce-back when they wear off. Soaking in hot water is miraculous for hemorrhoids.
These are basic things that should be taught in sex-ed courses - our schools are failing our teenagers!
Did he had some nice dope on him? I'm very in the mood for going Ricardo.
That is not what I am doing. In fact, quite the opposite. I am opposed to the stereotype being presented as something that is acceptable and normal precisely BECAUSE it causes so much pain in relationships, particularly OS ones. In the original letter, a teenage girl was being jokingly told that half of all women in marriages will decide to stop having sex with their husbands. What a horrible thing to tell a young woman. Unilaterally deciding to stop having sex with one's spouse is NOT normal, NOT acceptable, and NOT a fucking joke. And every time someone refers to "half of marriages are like this", it further spreads the damage. Women, and men, take a marriage vow that includes the words "to have and to hold" which can be interpreted as "I promise to give you at least some level of maintenance sex." A marriage is a sexual relationship, as well as an emotional one. To laugh it off and say "this is normal" is insulting to men, to women, and to marriage.
Is anyone saying the stereotype is both acceptable and normal? It certainly doesn't seem acceptable to Dr Sean, however normal he thinks it, although "common" might be more accurate. After that, I agree with you until the sentence beginning "Women" where I have a serious quarrel. One really can't play the Marriage Vows card. Usually one sees this with Forsaking All Others, but it doesn't work any better with THATH. (I recall your own wedding and the aisle walk, for which I gave you credit, and not just because you were giving the lie to somebody else's playing a different All Weddings Are... card.)
Or rather, my experience.
I lived seperately from my husband for 20 yrs out of a 30 yr relationship. I liked that I had my own space.
Regardless, apologies, and I regret that Ricardo's repeat of the old tired joke has steered us so firmly back into OS territory during Gay Week. Back to rainbow flags and butt plugs, shall we? :)
You guys sound like you take good care of each other sexually. Maybe the NZ air helps. God that is one beautiful country.
I went across on the ferry, just a few yrs after the Wahini( is that right?), sunk.
It was one rough rough rough crossing. We all thought we were going to die.
When I returned to Sydney, and I lived on the river so i could catch a ferry across the harbour.. If a little bit of wave action, I'd start to panic.
Because what a dildo needs is teeth. Yikes!
CHEAT:
It doesn't get better. Move on. Live an honest life.
I never had girlfriends I yalked fashion with, so I'm a little perplexed how to proceed. I used to love wearing Jodpurs,
Great fashion pants/ imo/ as well as riding pants. There's an idea,some girls love riding horses.
If you really want to inhabit your XX chromosomes, spend ten minutes before dressing in meditation, so you can access her, biologically. Then just pick your clothes. Trust your feminine intuition!
Mistakes, must be tired.
I just made a silly joke. You are being delusional. Stop lying about what I said, you're losing all your credibility.
Glad to read that you are still caring about your partner! I hate unasked-for advice BUT since I am much older than you, I cannot help myself today. Sooo...a few tips on how to keep the attraction if you want to. Simply avoid these things:
On "date night" always bathe and put on something sweet smelling
Don't get into the "open-door" policy when using the bathroom
Don't start calling your man "Grampa" . Use his REAL first name like when you were dating.
Don't criticize what he orders in a restaurant
Don't tell him where to park when he takes you to a movie or to a restaurant.
Good luck, and I mean that sincerely!
Some times the different gender/orientation takes on a situation add to the conversation and give us a different perspective. On some other occasions they tend to develop into endless, and often useless, vagina and penis pointing.
What will those latest skirmishes bring us this week?
“Recalling the ambassador for consultations” is a diplomatic term and a move to show some tension between nations.
Once the differences have been settled the ambassador goes back.
So yes, she’s on her way back to Canberra as we speak. Due to a designated stop in Indonesia we decided that having her deliver some stuff to our friend in Queensland might be a bit too risky.
There will be meditation, thanks for the advice, my feminine intuition has been trusted for years.
BDF can also chime in if she’s not too busy.
Hunter @91: The circumstances are different. Well, maybe they are not. In my example, the man persistently told his wife during sex about all the fantasies he was having about other women. In the case of the bi woman... well, I guess we don't know the circumstances. The letter implied that it was during a conversation they had about sex, not during the sex, and there was no clue as to who prompted it. I agree, if the woman insisted on describing in detail her fantasies, knowing that it hurt to hear them, then she is an abusive asshole as well. And no, men aren't always in the wrong, women aren't always in the right, please don't confuse me with Eudaemonic.
Anyway, I suppose the lesson here is that I should stop trying to advocate for straight people, or married people, of which I am neither.
On to CMD @94! I admit I'm not as proactive at suggesting colour schemes as Lava, since, being a goth, they'd kind of always be "how about black?" Pink and grey sounds like a nice scheme. How about a pink fluffy jumper (sweater), and a grey wool skirt? That would suit the autumn temperatures. Greyish stockings with seams down the back and patent pumps. Gosh, I'm putting so much more creativity into your wardrobe than my own!
Only, only if I'm on a night out, does that happen. Even apply eyeliner.
A Goth, Eh? Interesting.
It's a hard one Fan.. This story happening to many women, and by implication, their men. It is an important area to look into. Your Bite is important, as it shows.. As we other women here do too.. That it isn't inevitable.
Or some of them.
BiDanFan
Yes, I touched about the dress up subject in one of my late posts last week. For me going out in public as a woman is still very celebratory, exciting and liberating. A big production indeed, yet labor of love.
Things could have been quite different when dealing with a daily routine.
Thanks for going along with me. Inspired by the latest peaceful resolutions I hereby declare that I’ll refrain from dragging you into the subject again unless something special comes up- date of some sort, dinner party, etc.
And yes, of course “dragging” was totally accidental.
Rest assured, no bad feelings whatsoever. I still enjoy playing dress up on my own.
It is enlightening to experience your process. Makes me focus more on how and where I feel like a woman.
And boys are lucky in a way. They have the male and female in them, because they the ones who determine the sex of offspring.
I'm sure there are many, many reasons that lust remains higher when living separately. Just thought I'd mention one of the less obvious reasons.
I attribute the (comparative, I suppose) paucity of posts to how SS-focused (though I think L2 is really only SS-related) letters are more easily HSE for a large number of posters. Triple digits by Saturday morning doesn't seem too bad.
Catty and Lava. I posed this topic to Miss N last night (distance enhancing desire and happiness) (BTW my brother is living this with his wife in Dee-troit while he lives in Milwaukee) I also mentioned the "fantasy" topic from last week's letters. I told her that my take on the whole "familiarity kills desire" trope was that women seem to want it both ways. They want to be pursued and desired and wooed, but also insist upon %100 control. They want to see their man throw himself at her, and then be able to simply ignore him. I pointed out to miss N. that when I read her Sandra Brown books back in the 90's the men basically raped the heroine, but as the rape occurred, our heroine suddenly decided that she WANTED to be ravished. Indeed from her perspective she was ravishing HIM.
Miss N:.."Yes! because she was turned on!:.... she welcomed his advances"
Me: "How the hell would he know whether she was turned on? Once he is aroused he is not thinking rationally the whole action is now driven by his "small head".
Miss N:.."No! he could read her cues. He KNEW she wanted to be ravished"
Me: "That is crazy. Nobody has ESP, nobody can read anything in another person's mind. People have to actually speak to one another"
Miss N. "You are simply an ignorant, clueless man. You do not understand women"
Well she is right about that!
sigh. Another date night shot in the ass.
I took 5 mg of zyrtec to counteract the damn 25 mg of generic Viagra, then mixed up a martini for a nightcap. (5 olives too, by god)
How about suspending date night temporarily to try something else? For many people, it's hard to get aroused for scheduled sex. While I don't appreciate the way she spoke to you, there is a lot of helpful info for you in what she said. She seems to appreciate the concept of first be turned on and then feeling like she is part of the seduction, not just a reactive party to advances. I think that dynamic may be hard to achieve on a scheduled date night. If it must be scheduled due to Viagra use, perhaps you could start the turning on part hours earlier with a note or a text, something related to 1) your desire for her, and 2) something that you know turns her on, whether a sex act or an experience you shared or a fantasy she has expressed.