LINDSAY LOHAN She wants to be in the live action Little Mermaid and... STOP LAUGHING YOU GUYS Getty / Chance Yeh

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 20

Welcome back to One Day at a Time, dears—your final sanctuary in a world gone mad. FIRST UP... Long-forgotten and utterly useless starlet Lindsay Lohan is staging a comeback... Disney-style! Having taken note of Disney’s trend of cranking out live-action remakes of their cartoon classics, LiLo is angling for the starring role in a live-action The Little Mermaid! “I will sing again,” Linds threatened on Instagram. Demanding that Disney “approve” her plan, Lindsay then sat back and waited, presumably flapping her papier-mâché mermaid tail in a giant pile of cocaine. Disney, meanwhile, didn’t say anything, probably because they never announced any plans to remake The Little Mermaid. And now they never will. MEANWHILE... Oregon’s Land Board has voted to sell Elliott State Forest, the state’s oldest public forest. The sale of Elliott’s 82,500 acres “has been in the works for years,” the Associated Press reports, adding that a whopping 87 percent of the land will now be owned by Lone Rock timber company, with its tribal partner, the Cow Creek band of Umpqua, owning 13 percent. As pointed out by public lands advocates Backcountry Hunters & Anglers, the sale came “despite widespread support... to keep the Elliott State Forest publicly accessible.” “The privatization of Oregon’s oldest state forest is a tremendous loss for all Oregonians,” said BHA’s Ian Isaacson. Which, well, yes—but consistency matters! If we’re all living in a dystopia, we might as well make it look like it! Whoever heard of a dystopian wasteland with trees?


TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 21

Remember, if you will, a time before our treeless dystopia—remember the presidential debates, and remember one stupid undecided voter: Ken Bone, whose stupid red sweater and stupid mustache made him the hero of the internet! At least until his Reddit history revealed him to be... well, your usual Reddit user. “His bright red sweater and sincere, aw-shucks demeanor made him an instant hit on social media,” recalls the New York Post, “but the shiny veneer was quickly chipped away after reports surfaced that he once committed insurance fraud, believed the killing of Florida teen Trayvon Martin was justified, and enjoyed looking at actress Jennifer Lawrence’s ‘butt hole.’” Bone also spent time in Reddit’s prestigious “PreggoPorn” forum, where he declared pregnant women to be “beautiful human submarines.” So... why dredge up all this squick? “Former viral star Ken Bone will be attending the Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC) this week,” reports Time—where he’ll join other conservative superstars like white nationalist secret president “presidential advisor” Stephen K. Bannon and Donald Trump, who lost the popular vote by 2,864,974 votes! IN RELATED NEWS... Ken Bone will be the most respectable speaker at CPAC—where beautiful human submarines will be in short supply, but where he can definitely look at a lot of assholes.


WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 22

In news that has the potential to change life as we know it, today NASA announced the discovery of seven Earth-size planets orbiting a single star! The star, TRAPPIST-1, is a relatively short distance away—a mere 40 light years!—and has three planets “firmly located in the habitable zone,” according to NASA! “Answering the question ‘are we alone’ is a top science priority,” says NASA’s Thomas Zurbuchen, probably while straightening his glasses and lovingly patting his pocket protector. “Finding so many planets like these for the first time in the habitable zone is a remarkable step forward toward that goal.” Make no mistake, dears—this is huge. Whether the TRAPPIST-1 system harbors extraterrestrial life or is another place humans can live after destroying Earth through ecological ineptitude and fascist dictato—“JUST YOU WAIT ONE EARTH MINUTE, ANN!” bellowed Emperor Klaaktu, System Warlord of Rigel VII! “Don’t even think about it! My beach house is on the shores of the Xandoon Sea on TRAPPIST-1e, and it’s lovely this time of year—hunting mistwraiths and fishing for plasma eel are the only things that keep me sane!” Klaktu then wriggled his eyestalks anxiously. “Oh, why am I worried?” he scoffed. “You dipshits will blow yourselves up long before you can even conceive of traveling 40 light years! Later, gators!”


THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 23

And now, two uplifting stories of TRUE AMERICAN HEROES (who despise Trump). As a Pakistani couple wearing traditional clothing boarded Flight 1113 from Chicago to Houston, a racist hillbilly pointed to their bags and said, “That’s not a bomb in your bag, is it?” (Obviously this thoughtless bigot isn’t the hero in this story.) When passengers on the flight complained, the malodorous shithead then barked, “all illegals and all foreigners need to leave the country!” With that, the flight staff told the sniveling, cowardly doorknob to collect his shit and get off the plane. So kudos to the heroic flight attendants and especially those brave passengers who, as the dim-witted slack-jawed moron left, yelled after him, “Goodbyeee, raaaaacists!” (Y’know, if racists were automatically kicked off every plane, we’d fly more often!) MEANWHILE... Three cheers to hero number two (and former love of our life [sob!]) George Clooney for his public service reminder about Trump and evil mastermind/lackey Steve Bannon, who never stop complaining about the so-called “Hollywood elites.” “Donald Trump has 22 acting credits,” the gorgeous George told Canal+. “He collects $120,000 a year in his Screen Actors pension fund. He is a Hollywood elitist.” Then George turned his sexy wrath toward Bannon, who he calls “a failed film writer and director.” “He wrote a Shakespearean rap musical about the LA riots that couldn’t get made,” George added. “He made a lot of money off of Seinfeld [after purchasing some of the sitcom’s royalties]. He’s elitist Hollywood, I mean, that’s the reality.” Thank you for your service to America, hero George Clooney! (And if any reader happens to dig up Bannon’s failed Shakepearean rap musical... you’ll be a hero, too!)


FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 24

As mentioned earlier, CPAC (AKA Conservative Political Action Conference, AKA the pep rally for emotionally stunted, ethically-challenged right wingers) has been in session this week, and shocking as it may sound, these guys aren’t the sharpest tools in the shed. During President Trump’s speech to the CPAC crowd, anti-Trump activists from the group Americans Take Action handed out flags bearing Trump’s name to a grateful audience. However, what these conservatives didn’t realize is they were happily waving Russian flags. And even though CPAC staff eventually realized they were being pranked and frantically tried to snatch up the flags, it was too late: The internet was flooded with pics of the jubilant crowd waving Russian flags as Trump spoke. (Or maybe they knew they were holding Russian flags and were okay with it? The jury is still out on that one.) MEANWHILE... “It’s difficult for me to call myself a feminist in a classic sense,” Trump senior adviser Kellyanne Conway said to the mouth-breathing CPAC crowd, “because [feminism] seems to be very anti-male, and it certainly is very pro-abortion, and I’m neither anti-male or pro-abortion.” Hmmm... apparently Conway has a warped, twisted view of feminism, since its true proponents are neither anti-male nor pro-abortion (we’re pro-choice, don’tchaknow). However, let’s leave it to the experts: The Merriam-Webster dictionary folks tweeted out the following in response to Conway’s confused comments: “‘Feminism’ is defined as ‘the belief that men and women should have equal rights and opportunities.’” FULL STOP, motherfuckers. So as long as Conway is checking the dictionary, she may also want to look up “obtuse,” “negligent,” “obstinate,” “cognitive bias,” and “obdurate”—that is, unless she’s feeling “contumacious.”


SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 25

Unfortunately for those who value their sanity, the 24th season of Dancing with the Stars will be returning this spring with contestants such as Mr. T and delightful Olympic gymnast Simone Biles—however, there are two people who will not be trotting across the dance floor: Michelle Obama and Hillary Clinton. According to Us Weekly, both Obama and Clinton were asked to join the show this season, and both answered with a firm and unequivocal “NO.” This is excellent news for everyone who’s had enough of idiots making a mockery out of our political system—because if this had actually happened? WE WOULD HAVE BURNED THE EARTH TO THE GROUND.


SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 26

Tonight was the annual Academy Awards, which went off without a hitch—unless you count La La Land being accidentally announced as “best picture” (when the award was supposed to go to Moonlight), and the Academy using the picture of producer Jan Chapman in their “In Memoriam” segment even though she’s still... you know... alive. But other than those two terrible, glaring, unforgettable mistakes, it went off without a hitch. MEANWHILE... President Trump recently dined at the BLT Steakhouse at DC’s Trump Hotel, and according to an anonymous waiter talking to the Independent Journal Review, this is what he had for dinner. “The president ordered a well-done steak (!!),” the waiter said. “He ate it with ketchup (!!) as he always does.” NOW CAN WE START IMPEACHMENT PROCEEDINGS?