NICOLE KIDMAN "Hercules! Hercules! Hercules!" (Note Doctor Doolittle reference.) GETTY / EMMA MCINTYRE

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 27

Hello, dears! The internet quickly forgot about the best picture screw-up at Sunday’s Academy Awards after watching a video of attendee Nicole Kidman’s inability to clap like a person who knows how to clap. One Twitter user correctly noted that she clapped like the Grinch. Personally, we love her clapping—that’s what we do in the bathtub after our second martini while plotting our column for the week. MEANWHILE... Speaking of scheming, Russia seems to be concocting a dastardly plot to take advantage of President Trump (who lost the popular vote by 2,864,974 votes) and his ineffectual leadership of the United States. “Russia has continued to test the United States on the military front, with fighter jets flying close to an American warship in the Black Sea this month and a Russian naval vessel steaming conspicuously in the Atlantic off the coast of Delaware,” writes the New York Times. Well, that’s not concerning in the slightest, RIGHT? But the kicker was a close-up satellite picture of Nicole Kidman on the deck of the steaming Russian naval vessel, ever so slowly clapping her hands in glee. (Brrrr.)


TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 28

Attention, students of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, as well as nerds: California’s Universal Studios is preparing to open their new Harry Potter ride, which unfortunately is causing Hollyweird to upchuck their collective butterbeers. According to TMZ, early ride testers are vomiting everywhere while the park tries to figure out the problem. So if you go, expecto puketronom! (Sorry, dears—Hubby Kip put us up to that.) MEANWHILE... On that barf-inducing note, today Trump decided to put on his big-boy pants and pretend to be the actual president of the United States. Shockingly, he delivered a congressional address that sounded somewhat sane—but as the New York Times asked, “Why the sudden shift? Numbers. Mr. Trump’s approval rating is the worst for any new president in recorded history. But on Tuesday, the president rolled the dice, and went for nice. In style, if not substance, Mr. Trump delivered an address that nearly any of his Republican primary opponents—whom he once savaged as establishment stooges—might have delivered had they been standing at the rostrum.” But don’t worry: Trump is still a hypocrite racist misogynist who touched on plans to build a popsicle-stick wall between the US and Mexico, was extremely vague about all things policy, and said the time for “trivial fights” was over (HAHAHA, we couldn’t hear the rest of the speech over our own hysterical laughter). Meanwhile, Oregon Representative Earl Blumenauer responded like a champ with a statement that simply read, “Resist.”


WEDNESDAY, MARCH 1

More hot goss has been dribbling out about the embarrassing best picture presentation at the Oscars. PricewaterhouseCoopers’ accountant Brian Cullinan epically failed in his duties when handing presenter Warren Beatty the wrong envelope, which contained the best actress announcement instead of the best picture winner. In what appeared to be a senior moment, Beatty hesitated, handing the envelope to co-presenter Faye Dunaway, who announced that La La Land won. (As we all now know, Moonlight was the actual winner. Ooopsy.) This ginormous gaffe took place as Cullinan was busy backstage tweeting a fanboy picture of best actress winner Emma Stone, according to Variety. We still don’t get how Cullinan handed over the wrong envelope, but in his defense... EMMA STONE, amirite? MEANWHILE... Warren Beatty’s older sister, Shirley MacLaine, also expressed feelings about the Oscar flub. “I think we’re all processing the horror of it. I’m still dealing with it,” she told USA Today. “I’m basically a mystic. And I’m wondering what was that all about?” Ummm... Shirley? Allow us to part the mists of the afterworld to clear up this mystery for you. EMMA... STONE.


THURSDAY, MARCH 2

You know how they say there’s no such thing as bad publicity? They apparently haven’t seen White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer in action. This week he tweeted that Donald Trump—not Ben Carson—was the new secretary of housing and urban development. (Maybe Spicer got the wrong envelope?) This blunder was followed by leaked pictures of Spicer during his days with the George W. Bush administration, in which he was dressed as... the Easter Bunny. Sporting mountains of purple eyeshadow and a vest with no pants, Spicer presided over the annual Easter event on the White House lawn—but instead of eggs, delivered night terrors to every child across the nation. (Hippity-hoppity, HORROR’s on its way.) MEANWHILE... Press Secretary Spicer had his work cut out for him when it was revealed that Attorney General Jeff Sessions lied under oath during his confirmation hearing. According to the Washington Post, Sessions “spoke twice last year with Russia’s ambassador to the United States, Justice Department officials said, encounters he did not disclose when asked about possible contacts between members of President Trump’s campaign and representatives of Moscow during Sessions’ confirmation hearing to become attorney general.” So now we have a new attorney general who’s a liar, liar, pants on fire and a press secretary who dresses up like a pantsless rabbit. As Grandma used to say: “God bless this mess.”


FRIDAY, MARCH 3

Oh, Alabama, you’re such a scamp! First you gave us our lying new attorney general, Jeff Sessions, and now an Alabama movie theater has a problem with Disney’s new live-action adaptation of the 1991 cartoon classic Beauty and the Beast. According to the New York Times, “A drive-in movie theater in rural northeastern Alabama said that it would not show Disney’s new version of Beauty and the Beast because it has a gay character. ‘We will not compromise on what the Bible teaches,’ the Henagar Drive-In said in a Facebook post Thursday night.” So the folks at the Henagar Drive-In are cool with bestiality, kidnapping, and most insidious of all, singing kitchenware, but not tenderness between two men? Who do they think watches Disney movies at their drive-in? MEANWHILE... BWAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh, excuse us—we’re still laughing about Trump’s pledge to avoid “trivial fights.” His newest not “trivial fight” is with Arnold Schwarzenegger, who took over Trump’s role on Celebrity Apprentice and is now leaving the reality show. Arnold told Empire magazine, “With Trump being involved in the show, people have a bad taste and don’t want to participate as a spectator or as a sponsor or in any other way support the show.” Trump tweeted back, “Arnold Schwarzenegger isn’t voluntarily leaving the Apprentice, he was fired by his bad (pathetic) ratings, not by me. Sad end to great show.” Nope! Nothing trivial happening here.


SATURDAY, MARCH 4

As you may recall from every Donald Trump tweet ever, he’s not much of a speller. He also can’t wrap his head around history. He’s now alleging that former President Obama wiretapped Trump Tower. “How low has President Obama gone to tapp my phones during the very sacred election process,” Trump tweeted like an illiterate labradoodle. “This is Nixon/Watergate. Bad (or sick) guy!” In response, New York Times columnist Nicholas Kristof wisely tweeted, “Journalists know: When leaders go berserk, furiously denying there’s anything going on, blaming others—that’s when you’re getting close.” MEANWHILE... In troubled times, a hero will rise to save us all. “Sir Patrick Stewart has generated a considerable amount of money at the American box office, and now he will be applying for citizenship there in order to ‘fight, fight, oppose, oppose’ President Trump,” writes the Independent. “Make it so!” Hubby Kip squealed from his 36-hour haze of video games and potato chips on the couch. :(


SUNDAY, MARCH 5

Because real-life superhero Sir Patrick Stewart isn’t on the case just yet, the White House is calling for an investigation into Trump’s claim that the Obama administration wiretapped his disgusting gold commode in Trump Tower. Press secretary/scary Easter Bunny Sean Spicer said, “President Donald J. Trump is requesting that as part of their investigation into Russian activity, the congressional intelligence committees exercise their oversight authority to determine whether executive branch investigative powers were abused in 2016.” Once everyone got done laughing about Spicer’s Easter Bunny past, they all sighed and waited for Patrick Stewart to get his US citizenship. MEANWHILE... In Alabama... errrrr, Russia... the culture minister was upset that there might be a gay character in the new Beauty and the Beast film. According to the BBC, “Russian officials are coming under pressure to check if Disney’s new film... breaches the country’s law against ‘gay propaganda.’ Culture Minister Vladimir Medinsky said action would be taken after the checks, while an MP described the film as ‘shameless propaganda of sin.’” Talking candlestick Lumière shot back via Twitter, writing, “Hey Russia, I don’t come down to where you work and slap the dick out of your mouth!” Russia has yet to respond.