MONDAY, MARCH 13
Amongst all the cackling Republicans and whimpering Democrats that haunt the rotting swamps of Washington, DC, one lost soul is desperately screaming for help: Sean Spicer, beleaguered press secretary to the White House and potato-faced muse to Melissa McCarthy! Last week, dears, you’ll remember Spicey wore his American flag lapel pin upside down—clearly sending the international sign of distress! But today, things got even weirder as Spicey wore... mismatched shoes? Photographed alongside Secretary of Health and Human Services Tom Price and Director of the Office of Management and Budget Mick Mulvaney (both of whom were dressed like competent, if hopelessly corrupt, adults), Spicey stood several feet away, gazing placidly into the middle distance—hands folded across his belly, toes pointing inward, wearing one black shoe and one brown shoe. While we know better than most how tricky fashion can be (we’ve had more than our fair share of wardrobe malfunctions, usually somewhere around our fourth martini), at least our Manolo Blahniks are always the same color! “Look, it was a busy morning,” Spicey said, when informed that matching shoes is a task even a five-year-old can master. “Things are moving fast in this administration, and JESUS WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, HELP ME, HELP ME, GET ME OUT OF HERE, HOW ARE THESE CRIES FOR HELP SOMEHOW TOO FUCKING SUBTLE FOR YOU, HELP MEEEEEEEE—” Spicer was then quickly escorted inside the White House by several Secret Service agents.
TUESDAY, MARCH 14
We now travel to Hollywood, where another man with bad fashion taste is having problems! That would be Batman Ben Affleck, who has finished a stint in rehab for alcohol addiction. “I want my kids to know there is no shame in getting help when you need it, and to be a source of strength for anyone out there who needs help but is afraid to take the first step,” Affleck wrote on Facebook. Normally, this is exactly the point where we’d jump in with a joke at Affleck’s expense (if we’re honest, it’d totes be about his lame back tattoo of a phoenix rising from the ashes). But not this time! Ben, that’s a brave and wise statement, and we wish you nothing but the best in your recovery. (And now that we know you might’ve been drunk when you got that tattoo, we’ll try to lay off the jokes about that, too. But no promises.) THIS JUST IN... Update! Turns out Sean Spicer was not wearing mismatched shoes yesterday! Close investigative analysis (i.e., zooming in on the photo) reveals Spicey was wearing one brown loafer and one foot brace! So everything’s fine! “EVERYTHING IS NOT FINE,” Spicey screamed from an open window of the second floor of the White House. “HE BROKE MY FOOT! HE PICKED UP A BUST OF LINCOLN AND HE CAME AT ME AND HE SAID, ‘YOU CAN’T RUN IF YOUR FOOT IS BROKEN, SPICEY,’ AND THEN HE STARTED SWINGING AND LAUGHING AND SAYING ‘JUST LIKE IN MISERY, SPICEY, JUST LIKE IN MISERY, HEE HEE, JUST LIKE IN MISERY, SPICEY’ OH PLEASE GOD WHEN WILL THIS END, I JUST WANT IT TO ENNNNN—” Then somebody shut the window, silencing Spicer’s screams.
WEDNESDAY, MARCH 15
“Huge sections of the Great Barrier Reef, stretching across hundreds of miles of its most pristine northern sector, were recently found to be dead, killed last year by overheated seawater,” reports the New York Times. “We didn’t expect to see this level of destruction to the Great Barrier Reef for another 30 years,” Terry P. Hughes, director of an Australia-funded center for coral reef studies, told the Times. MEANWHILE, AS OUR PLANET DIES... “Sen. John Cornyn (R-Texas) said Tuesday that if Democrats don’t like a House bill to repeal and replace Obamacare, they should offer their own legislation,” reports The Hill. “If you don’t like this proposal, then what’s your suggestion? What’s your suggestion?” Cornyn asked. Okay, Johnny, we’ll bite. Our suggestion is called Obamacare, and maybe if you stopped fucking with it for five minutes, you wouldn’t have to ask people for solutions to problems they’ve already solved. That’s our suggestion. Got any other stupid questions?
THURSDAY, MARCH 16
As you know, Twitter is normally a garbage pail for self-promotion and useless information made to appear necessary with LOL emoticons. That being said, today McDonald’s tweeted out the following: “@realDonaldTrump You are actually a disgusting excuse of a President and we would love to have @BarackObama back, also you have tiny hands.” OH DEAR GOD YES. However accurate this tweet may have been, there’s no way it could’ve actually been written by McDonald’s because a) they’ve never, ever said anything so factual, and b) they made zero mention of their disgusting Shamrock Chocolate Chip Frappé. Sure enough, they claimed their account was hacked, they apologized for any inconvenience, and now everyone can return to only visiting McDonald’s when driving through Bozeman, Montana, or when a gun is pointed at one’s head. MEANWHILE... President Trump—the pathological liar who lost the popular vote by 2,864,974 votes—released a partial outline of his 2018 budget, and because no one has time for his constant bullshit, here is everything you need to know about it: The Departments of Defense, Homeland Security, and Veterans Affairs gets everything they want and more, while offices like the EPA, Health and Human Services, the National Endowment for the Arts, and literally everything else gets one big fat FUCK YOUUUUUUUUUU. On the upside, not even the staunchest conservative is going to go for this, and Trump will most likely be impeached on charges of treason within the year. So... you know... as you were.
FRIDAY, MARCH 17
So let’s check in on today’s ridiculous claim emanating from the White House: According to Press Secretary Sean Spicer (who may very well have Stockholm Syndrome), while former President Obama didn’t personally wiretap Trump’s phones prior to the election, he did convince England to do it. Cue the British government shaking their bumbershoots, “harrumph”-ing loudly, and generally freaking out. “These claims are ridiculous and should be ignored,” quipped a spokesperson for Prime Minister Theresa May, somehow avoiding the word “poppycock.” Despite this outrage, Spicer added that the White House has no intention of apologizing for the lie that Trump originally heard on Fox News, who have since distanced themselves from their own uncorroborated report. THAT BRINGS US TO... Hottie actors Chris Evans and Scarlett Johansson allegedly boning! An unnamed source whispering to the ever-dubious Star magazine claims that ScarJo and ChrEvans (?) were spotted verbally canoodling at the Oscars, and since both are currently available, there’s a likely chance they’ll be hopping on the train to BONE TOWN. Now... this is obviously a lie. But it is a beautiful lie. So why can’t Sean Spicer take a hint from Star and give us lies that are at least worthy of masturbation? This is why the Trump administration will fail.
SATURDAY, MARCH 18
Speaking of masturbating, the New York Times reported of a class-action lawsuit leveled toward Standard Innovation, which makes a “smart” vibrator called the We-Vibe that can be turned on remotely via Bluetooth. (Let’s pause to think about that for a sec. Ahhh. Moving on.) Unfortunately, the naughty We-Vibe also did some naughty data collection of its users, which included lots of personal information and even home addresses. While Standard Innovation says they’re working on the device’s security system, this sort of remote access could lead to all sorts of devilry from hackers, and... wait. THIS JUST IN FROM WHITE HOUSE PRESS SECRETARY SEAN SPICER: “President Trump has just informed me that not only did former President Obama wiretap his phones and turn his microwave into a camera, we now know that Obama also bugged the president’s penis pump, which... why are you reporters looking at me like that?”
SUNDAY, MARCH 19
Dear President Trump: It’s certainly bad enough that you despise immigrants, former President Obama, the judiciary, telling the truth, and any government office or program that exists to make Americans’ lives better—but let us be very clear about one thing. Nobody fucks with One Direction. According to One Direction dreamboat Liam Payne, who spoke with Rollacoaster magazine, “Trump actually kicked us out of his hotel once. It was about [meeting] his daughter.” Payne says that Trump made his request by calling while the band was asleep—but instead of calling back later, told their manager to “wake them up.” When the band refused to speak with him, “[Trump] was like, ‘Okay, then I don’t want you in my hotel,’” Payne remembered. “So we had to leave.” Well, if this isn’t the biggest pile of... THIS JUST IN FROM WHITE HOUSE PRESS SECRETARY SEAN SPICER: “The president has just informed me he’s instituting a boy band ban, which will include any boy band named One Direction from the following countries: England.”