PAUL RYAN This is what a failure looks like. Win McNamee / Getty

MONDAY, MARCH 20

Life is hard for a lot of people right now, dears: Immigrants. Minorities. Gay, lesbian, and transgender people. The poor and the persecuted; the war-torn and the oppressed. Oh, and every woman on the planet. But one piteous soul is the most unfortunate of all: Tim Allen! “What I find odd in Hollywood is that they didn’t like Trump because he was a bully,” the conservative Allen complained to Megyn Kelly in November, shortly after Donald Trump, who lost the popular vote by 2,864,974 votes, somehow became president anyway and doomed Earth to burn in a reeking inferno of hellfire. “But if you had any kind of inkling that you were for Trump, you got bullied for doing that,” Allen whined. Alas, Allen’s oh-so-difficult life has only gotten harder! Last week on Jimmy Kimmel Live, Allen reminisced about attending Trump’s inauguration, bemoaning how difficult it is to be open about his shitty politics. “You gotta be real careful around here, you know,” said Allen, a rich white man. “You’ll get beat up if you don’t believe what everybody believes. This is like '30s Germany!Hmm. Let’s just let that sink in for a minute. Okay! All sunk in! “Tim, have you lost your mind?” wrote Steven Goldstein, executive director of the Anne Frank Center for Mutual Respect, on Facebook. “No one in Hollywood today is subjecting you or anyone else to what the Nazis imposed on Jews in the 1930s—the world’s most evil program of dehumanization, imprisonment, and mass brutality, implemented by an entire national government, as the prelude for the genocide of nearly an entire people. Sorry, Tim, that’s just not the same as getting turned down for a movie role. It’s time for you to leave your bubble to apologize to the Jewish people and, to be sure, the other peoples also targeted by the Nazis.” And that, dears, is how you shut down an ignorant rich white man. Take notes!


TUESDAY, MARCH 21

“I am a party animal,” Woody Harrelson told Vulture yesterday, surprising no one. And then he did surprise everyone! “But on the other hand,” Woody continued, “I haven’t... I’m now extremely moderate and... I actually stopped smoking pot almost a year ago.” Wait. Is this the Woody Harrelson? The same Woody who once invited former Mercury editor Marjorie Skinner onto his “hemp oil-fueled bus,” taught her how to use a vaporizer, and judged a Mercury joint-rolling contest? Yes. That Woody has now given up weed for... well, okay, a pretty good reason: “Just 30 solid years of just partying too fucking hard.” Fair enough, Woody! At least there’s one rich white man whose opinion we can respect this week! (Oh, and Woody? If you ever change your mind, you have our number. We’re always ready for you to judge another Mercury joint-rolling contest.)


WEDNESDAY, MARCH 22

Oh, how we wish we could just talk about getting stoned with Woody Harrelson. But we can’t, because Donald Fucking Trump—the ultimate moronic rich white man—is being an asshole. Again. This week, Trump’s shit-sniffing minions in the GOP were scrambling to find support for their wildly unpopular American Health Care Act, AKA “Trumpcare.” “In a morning address to a closed-door meeting of House Republicans, Trump used both charm and admonishment as he made his case, reassuring skittish members that they would gain seats in Congress if the bill passed,” reports the Washington Post. “He singled out Rep. Mark Meadows (R-NC), the chairman of the House Freedom Caucus, which has led the right-wing opposition to the bill.” “I'm gonna come after you, but I know I won’t have to, because I know you’ll vote ‘yes,’” Trump threatened. Meanwhile, Trump’s white nationalist BFF Steve Bannon also tried to go all authoritarian. “Guys, look,” Bannon reportedly told the House Freedom Caucus. “This is not a discussion. This is not a debate. You have no choice but to vote for this bill.” “You know,” one Republican replied, “the last time someone ordered me to do something, I was 18 years old. And it was my daddy. And I didn't listen to him, either.” Behold the inspiring leadership of the Trump administration! This Trumpcare vote is going to go great.


THURSDAY, MARCH 23

Today, as House Speaker Paul Ryan desperately tried to keep the sinking Trumpcare bill afloat, Trump himself was at a photo op pretending to be a big-rig truck driver and honking the horn. (BECAUSE HE HAS THE MENTAL ACUITY OF A SEVEN-YEAR-OLD.) But at least the internet was happy, because they spent the rest of the afternoon turning Trump’s “trucker” photos into hilariously insulting memes: Trump as Immortan Joe from Mad Max: Fury Road; flying off a cliff (as in Thelma & Louise); members of the Dukes of Hazzard; and (our favorite) photoshopping the president into a child’s Little Tikes Cozy Coupe. Everybody had a good time, even though—let’s face it—Trump makes it all a bit too easy. MEANWHILE... If you hear any glass-shattering squeals, that’s because Lindsay Lohan has a brand NEW reality show! SQUEEEEEAL! According to CNN, Lindsay will star in The Anti-Social Network, a show allowing the much-beleaguered star to take over an unknowing contestant's social media—Instagram, Snapchat, and Twitter—for 24 hours. The exact point of this show is unclear... unless it’s about proving Linds can destroy other people’s lives as easily as her own? In any case, everybody (except Lindsay and the contestants, of course) wins!


FRIDAY, MARCH 24

For seven years—SEVEN YEARS—Republicans have vowed to repeal Obamacare (later softening their message to “repeal and replace”). And today? Today proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that the GOP literally has no idea how to push forward an agenda except through obstructionism... so they obstructed themselves. Just minutes before Congress was scheduled to vote on the GOP’s replacement bill, President Trump yanked it after it became obvious the legislation wouldn’t have enough votes to pass. This forced House Speaker Paul Ryan to concede, "We're going to be living with Obamacare for the foreseeable future." Just to be clear: The Republicans had one job to do. They had the majority. They even had the full support of the president—and yet? These hopeless fuck-ups fucked it up. Mike DeBonis of the Washington Post tweeted that two of the Republicans who wrote the bill were "darn near tears," even though their work would have deprived 24 million people of health insurance. While fingers are pointing in every direction, the GOP now has no other choice than to move on to other things which they will also surely fuck up... like tax reform. Good luck, fuck-ups! (Barring impeachment, these four years may pass more quickly than expected!)


SATURDAY, MARCH 25

Ahem. Please stop the presses, because Gwyneth Paltrow has discovered anal sex! In a special sex edition of her mind-numbingly terrible lifestyle newsletter Goop, there’s an article titled, "Reality Check: Anal Sex" which reveals the shocking information that yes, there is such a thing as anal sex, and yes, actual human people are having it! “First it was shocking,” the article states, “then it was having a cultural moment, now it’s practically standard in the modern bedroom repertoire.” In Goop’s defense, the article does offer some good (though junior varsity) information for anal sex newbies—or at least doesn’t spread wildly inaccurate info about the health benefits of steaming one's vagina (with which longtime One Day readers are surely familiar). But don’t get it twisted! Besides providing hot tips about anal, Goop’s primary focus is selling wildly expensive shit to rich dum-dums who don’t know any better. For example, $400 nipple clamps, a $535 cat o’ nine tails whip, and (wait for it) a 24-karat gold dildo retailing for $15,000. If that doesn’t scream “taking it up the ass,” nothing does.


SUNDAY, MARCH 26

“Watch @JudgeJeanine on @FoxNews tonight at 9:00 P.M.” President Trump tweeted yesterday, shortly after blaming Democrats for the failure of the GOP's Trumpcare bill, and then hours later blaming the right-wing Freedom Caucus for its role in sinking the legislation. But... sure. Okay, President Trump: Let’s see what Judge Jeanine has to say, you big, dumb weirdo. "Paul Ryan needs to step down as Speaker of the House," Judge Jeanine bellowed to Fox viewers too stupid to know one should never heed the words of anyone who bellows. “[The bill] failed within the first 70 days of President Donald Trump’s administration. [The president] believed you had his back. And you didn't. The American people won’t forget this and neither should the president.” The White House was quick to say that President Trump had no idea what Judge Jeanine was going to say on her show... which, if true, means that the President of the United States is now just randomly promoting TV programs. So don’t be surprised if Trump tweets the following: “This week on HBO’s Girls, Jessa tells Hannah that Adam doesn’t like her anymore! FAKE NEWS, JESSA! SAD!”