PAMELA ANDERSON Pammy and Julian Assange sittin' in a tree, K-I-S-S-I... EW! GROSS! Win McNamee / Getty

MONDAY, MARCH 27

Welcome back to the Apocalypse, dears! Let’s see if maybe, just maybe, this week was better than last wee... no. No, it was not. This week Donald Trump, who lost the popular vote by 2,864,974 votes, set up a photo op with coal miners as he gleefully canceled “President Barack Obama’s climate change efforts... effectively ceding American leadership in the international campaign to curb the dangerous heating of the planet,” reports the New York Times. Trump, for his part, brayed at his coal miner props: “C’mon, fellas. You know what this is? You know what this says? You’re going back to work.” MEANWHILE... In what must be a coincidence, Politico reports that “A supervisor at the Energy Department’s international climate office told staff this week not to use the phrases ‘climate change,’ ‘emissions reduction,’ or ‘Paris Agreement’ in written memos, briefings or other written communication.” Huh. AND EVEN MORE MEANWHILE... “President Trump and his team are pursuing what I call a ‘control-alt-delete’ strategy: control the scientists in the federal agencies, alter science-based policies to fit their narrow ideological agenda, and delete scientific information from government websites,” Alden Meyer of the Union of Concerned Scientists tells BBC News. Well, at least those coal miners are going back to work! Everything we’ve been told would indicate they’re a YUGE segment of the American workforce. (That’s called sarcasm. See Thursday.)


TUESDAY, MARCH 28

Spring has sprung, dears, and you know what that means: ROMANCE! (Not for us, of course. We haven’t seen Hubby Kip for two weeks, as he’s been camped in the basement with his PlayStation, sleeping bag, beer cooler, and an invention he’s dubbed “Kip’s Super-Cool Dorito Dispenser” so he can “most effectively play the new Mass Effect game.” Whatever the hell that means.) But not everyone has given up on love... which might explain why Val Kilmer is being all weird to Cate Blanchett? “Once I flew all the way to Australia just to talk to Cate Blanchett. Her husband met me first. Or, instead, I guess, to be accurate,” Kilmer tweeted last Friday, adding, “Recently I’ve had 2 dreams with #CateBlanchett in them. Her husband wasn’t in either of them.” Then there’s this one: “She’s just as amazing in person. Some super stars aren’t-Some superstars don’t do a thing to ya in person-Cate is so real it’s almost unreal.” Which was followed by: “Once I did a cameo just to hang w/#cateblanchett who pickd up a shovel in our sc. I was so dazzled by HOW she picked it up I forgot my line.” And then, yesterday... well.... “I’ve never done said or written a single idea that wasn’t of the highest respect and admiration for #cateblanchett or any other great talent,” Kilmer began. “She’s a friend of mine and I’ve met her husband thru the years and we’ve all gotten along just fine. Anyone who thinks I need to curb my enthusiasm for a great rare artist doesn’t understand how difficult the job is and how we artist count on the respect of our peers. She will back up every word I say n love that I say I love her.” Sure, Val. Sure. MEANWHILE... Cate Blanchett has yet to respond. At all. Which is probably for the best.


WEDNESDAY, MARCH 29

“Internet providers now just need a signature from President Trump before they’re free to take, share, and even sell your web browsing history without your permission,” writes the Verge, reporting that the Republican-controlled House of Representatives has overturned an Obama-era FCC rule “that required internet providers to get customers’ permission before sharing their browsing history with other companies. The rules also required internet providers to protect that data from hackers and inform customers of any breaches.” Once Trump signs the resolution—which you know he will—“there’ll only be a vague baseline of privacy rules governing internet providers and some promises from them not to misbehave.” IN NEWS THAT CAN’T POSSIBLY BE RELATED... Hubby Kip has peeled himself off the couch and is now slamming his Dorito-flaked fists into his keyboard, shouting, “DELETE HISTORY! DELETE CACHE! INCOGNITO MODE! PRIVATE! DELETE! INCOGNITO!” Welcome to the future, sweetie. And that’s not going to do you any good. Comcast is watching.


THURSDAY, MARCH 30

“I made them this promise,” President Trump said to a disbelieving planet after gutting Obama’s climate protections in order to save the employment of a few coal miners who were going to lose their jobs anyway. “We will put our miners back to work.” Obviously Trump’s promise is ridiculous, since coal mining is a very old-timey means of producing energy (compared to solar and wind). What’s more, Trump’s promise of 76,000 jobs isn’t as YUGE as he claims—especially when compared to other industries. The Washington Post reported today that car washes, theme parks, and used car dealerships employ twice as many people as coal mines, while Walmart provides 28 times as many jobs. Guys, even Arby’s provides more jobs than coal... and no one in America eats there except for Hubby Kip, who only visits twice a year to steal as many packets of Horsey Sauce as possible. Why? Because he is disgusting—and yet? Still 28 times less disgusting than Trump. So keep up the good work, Hubby Kip.


FRIDAY, MARCH 31

Today in “disturbing”: Actress/activist Pamela Anderson is apparently in a romantic relationship with (wait for it) WikiLeaker Julian Assange. WE KNOW, RIGHT? According to British media, Pamela has been visiting the controversial figure who’s been hiding out in London’s Ecuadorian embassy since 2012 to avoid rape charges in Sweden. A Swedish TV show asked Pamela if they’re dating, to which she replied, “Well, he’s imprisoned, that would make it a little bit difficult.” (Note: Julian is not imprisoned... he’s hiding out. But potato/po-tah-toe, right?) “Let’s see what happens when he’s free,” she coyly told the interviewer. “I don’t want to go into any private details.... He’s very sexy.” Okay... EW! Let’s pretend for a moment to set aside any rape allegations (which we won’t), as well as the strong suspicion that WikiLeaks colluded with the Russians by releasing ONLY information hacked from Hillary Clinton and the DNC—which makes us so effing FAH-URIOUS that we very nearly threw all of Hubby Kip’s Star Trek: Deep Space Nine DVDs into the garbage. Here’s the thing: JULIAN ASSANGE IS OBJECTIVELY UNSEXY. And it breaks our heart that Pamela spent years with grotesque ex-hubby Tommy Lee and now has eyes for someone who is OBJECTIVELY even more icky. AND! AND! AND trying to convince US he’s sexy? We’d hoped to never utter these words... but Pammy, you are spreading FAKE NEWS!


SATURDAY, APRIL 1

Speaking of unsexy and grotesque, the New York Times reported today that Fox News has doled out almost $13 million in settlements to former employees who say they’ve been sexually harassed by host Bill O’Reilly. According to the article, five women have been paid off to keep quiet about their stories, all of which share frighteningly similar details. According to their claims—which the news commentator denies—the relationship usually starts with O’Reilly making promises of career advancement, followed by lurid comments and sexual propositions. (In one case, he allegedly masturbated during phone conversations, EWWW EWWW EWWW!) When snubbed, O’Reilly would then allegedly verbally harass the woman in question, and threaten her career. As you undoubtedly recall, former Fox News chairman Roger Ailes was forced out last summer following a sexual harassment scandal—which surely means that O’Reilly is going to be given his walking papers as well, right? OH, YOU POOR, NAÏVE FOOL. Unfortunately O’Reilly’s show pulled in more than $446 million in advertising between 2014 and 2016. Weigh that against a measly $13 million in settlements the network has paid so far, and what do YOU think they’ll do? HAHAHAHAHAAAAA! OHHH GOD WE HATE THE EARTH SO MUCH.


SUNDAY, APRIL 2

Let’s end this week with a sharp sigh of relief, shall we? Just when you thought America could not tumble any deeper into the abyss, we got the horrifying news that Jon Gosselin—formerly of the terrible Jon and Kate Plus Eight—was starting a new job as (GROAN) a stripper. (What is it with the plethora of unsexy men this week?!?) It should be noted that the last time we reported on Jon, he was busy DJing... at a Pennsylvania T.G.I. Fridays... where he also cooked. (Oh, how the not-so-mighty have fallen.) Anyway, being a shitty DJ is one thing, but to charge people actual money to watch him disrobe? IN PUBLIC? Just no. Fortunately—and here comes the sigh of relief—while Jon was onstage with the legitimately meaty men of Atlantic City’s Untamed Male Revue, it was all a big joke to celebrate his 40th birthday, and his clothes remained firmly attached to everything we never want to see. IN RELATED GOOD NEWS... We’ve cancelled our appointment to have our eyeballs soaked in Purell—so we’re free for a drink next Wednesday!