MONDAY, APRIL 3
As the American experiment continues its shuddering slide into abject failure, there was a dream that, perhaps, one thing could bring us together: objective truth. Turns out that dream is bullshit. “Hopes that science and its unending quest for the truth can mend the cracks in a divided society have taken a hit as new research has found liberals and conservatives share little common ground on the subject—apart from a fascination with dinosaurs,” reports the Guardian. In analyzing science books purchased by liberals and conservatives, researchers discovered that, “even within subjects, liberals and conservatives read very different books,” the Guardian notes. One of the few things readers agreed on? That dinosaurs are cool. “It turns out that liberals and conservatives can agree about dinosaurs, but not much else,” said Cornell University’s Michael Macy. We suppose that makes sense, since—like the dinosaurs—we’ll all be extinct soon. (Hey, do any scientists read this column? Please tell us what the chances are that a rogue asteroid will make our deaths quick and painless. Thx!)
TUESDAY, APRIL 4
In 1984, the New York Daily News reported that the pomade in Michael Jackson’s hair caught fire while filming an ad for Pepsi—leading to a panicked rush to the hospital and second-degree burns. Until now, that was the worst Pepsi ad. Leave it to a Kardashian to make one that’s even worse! This week the idiots at Pepsi teamed up with Kendall Jenner—who, even in a family of idiots, is really an idiot—to make an ad in which Kendall leaves a photo shoot, joins a generic “protest,” and hands a Pepsi to a cop, thus solving all of America’s problems. “The ad was quickly accused of appropriating the Black Lives Matter movement and using social justice to sell soda,” reports CNN. “If I had carried Pepsi I guess I never would’ve gotten arrested. Who knew?” tweeted Black Lives Matter activist DeRay Mckesson. God. We’ve been so fixated on the Trumps for the past few months that we forgot all about America’s second-worst family! All Kardashians are monsters. SPEAKING OF MONSTERS... This week’s slightly less horrifying ad was a trailer for Stephen King’s It, starring the malevolent, child-eating clown Pennywise. While the trailer racked up 197 million views in its first 24 hours, it made clowns very sad. “We do have clowns in society, and yes it will affect business, of course it will,” whimpered Glasgow’s Celine Harland, AKA “Tickles the Clown.” “I have parents and teachers phoning me,” Tickles whined to the Press Association. “They’re scared to hire you for 35 kids in case they’ve got one child who will be upset.” “Oh, shut your pie-hole, Tickles,” Pennywise cackled from his bone-strewn lair beneath the haunted town of Derry, Maine. “Certainly, my relentless need to feast on the sweet flesh of the innocent will destroy your pointless career. But on the other glove, things could be worse—you could be Kendall Jenner!”
WEDNESDAY, APRIL 5
This week, Republicans are doing their damnedest to force conservative lackey Judge Neil M. Gorsuch onto the Supreme Court. And while Democrats are proving remarkably inept at stopping them (surprise, surprise), at least one Democrat, Oregon’s Sen. Jeff Merkley, is undergoing what the New York Times called an act of “congressional masochism” in protest. “Beginning early Tuesday evening and slogging through the middle of Wednesday morning, Senator Jeff Merkley, Democrat of Oregon, held forth on the Senate floor for more than 15 hours in protest of the nomination of Judge Neil M. Gorsuch,” the Times reported. “Mr. Merkley railed against Judge Gorsuch’s record on workers’ rights... [and] suggested that the Senate should not confirm a lifetime appointee of President Trump’s amid investigations into ties between Mr. Trump’s orbit and Russia.” FRIENDLY REMINDER, DEARS... Portland’s congressional representatives—Merkley, Rep. Earl Blumenauer, Sen. Ron Wyden, and Rep. Suzanne Bonamici—have been excellent in standing up to our failed fascist of a president. Let them know when they—like Merkley—do great work! Find out how at govtrack.us/congress/members/OR. (Unless you’re a clown. They don’t want to hear from clowns. For obvious reasons.)
THURSDAY, APRIL 6
Hurrah, it’s “choose your own gossip adventure” day! Question one: Would you rather read about how Senate Republicans nuked the Democrats’ ability to filibuster Trump’s Supreme Court nominee, thereby screwing themselves once the Dems are once again in power? Or would you rather read about how Britney Spears personally delayed an election in Israel? Fine, BRITNEY IT IS. According to Spin magazine, the head of Israel’s Labor Party has postponed a primary election vote “due to the fact that there is a major event at Yarkon Park” right next to the polling location. The major event in question is a Britney Spears concert, which is part of her first non-US tour since 2011. Party members are absolutely correct to predict that voters will either be unable to navigate the throng of Britney fans to cast their ballots, or will simply forgo voting to watch the show. IN A RELATED STORY... Vladimir Putin has fired WikiLeaks, and will be hiring Britney to upend the next American election. QUESTION TWO: Would you rather read about how President Trump pulled a complete 180 from previous promises and launched an airstrike (without congressional approval) on a Syrian airfield—in retaliation for President Bashar al-Assad using chemical weapons on his own people—which made cable newscasters giddy, and infuriated the president’s racist “America first” supporters because their glorious leader broke his solemn campaign promise to stay out of Syria? Or would you rather read about Lindsay Lohan wearing an Islamic-style Burkini while paddleboarding in Thailand? Fine, LINDSAY IT IS. Lindsay Lohan was photographed wearing an Islamic-style Burkini while paddleboarding in Thailand. Have a nice day.
FRIDAY, APRIL 7
Today Twitter said “fuck this nonsense” and sued the federal government after Customs and Border Protection (part of Homeland Security) sent the social media company a summons to reveal the true name of the person(s) behind the @ALT_USCIS account. The tweeter is thought to be a Citizenship and Immigration Services employee who has dutifully been posting smack-talkin’ resistance-style messages against the Trump administration. “A time-honored tradition of pseudonymous free speech on matters of public moment runs deep in the political life of America,” Twitter said in its lawsuit. “These First Amendment interests are at their zenith when, as here, the speech at issue touches on matters of public political life.” Translated: “You can’t tell Americans to STFU. So why don’t you STFU?” And how did Homeland Security react to Twitter’s lawsuit? By quickly backing down and withdrawing their summons. Twitter has since dropped its suit, and @ALT_USCIS can now return to speaking truth to power from deep inside the lion’s den. (That was some actual good news! Quick, slam your computer shut before something else terrible happens!)
SATURDAY, APRIL 8
We warned you to quit reading before something terrible happened, but you didn’t listen—so this one’s on you. As we learned last week, Fox News’ cash cow Bill O’Reilly is the subject of multiple settled lawsuits accusing him of sexual harassment. Between the company and O’Reilly, $13 million in settlements have been doled out to five former employees who say the O’Reilly Factor host made promises of career advancement, but yanked the offers after his sexual propositions were refused. (While we’re loath to repeat it, O’Reilly was also accused of masturbating while talking to one of the women on the phone EWW EWW EWW!) The good news is that more than 60 companies have refused to advertise on the O’Reilly Factor since the New York Times broke the story last week. Aaaaaaaaand here comes the bad news: Not only are loyal O’Reilly buttholes continuing to watch the program, the show has gained over a million extra buttholes this past week, making his butthole viewership higher than ever. Conclusion: YOU ARE TERRIBLE, AMERICA! Let’s see: the presidency, cable news, professional sports, organized religion... is there any segment of American life where you won’t support a sexual abuser?
SUNDAY, APRIL 9
Today on a full United Airlines plane in Chicago, an attendant told passengers the flight was overbooked, and four “volunteers” needed to get off the plane to make room for some United employees. (OH, HELL NO.) One man—an Asian doctor—was chosen to “volunteer” and when he refused, he was “volunteered”... which is to say he was physically assaulted by security and dragged off the plane by his arms. People were screaming, it was a hot mess, and Twitter responded by dragging United’s reputation all over the internet. IN A RELATED STORY... “Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU,” squealed Pepsi to United Airlines for being even bigger dicks than they were this week. “If you need a spokesperson, we’ll loan you Kendall Jenner!”