MONDAY, APRIL 17
Happy Easter, everybody—that lovely time when Christians celebrate their favorite bedtime story about their favorite friendly zombie! (Say what you will about the Bible, dears—at least it’s more entertaining than the last few seasons of The Walking Dead. SNORE.) So... let’s check in on America’s Easter tradition—the White House Easter Egg Roll! “Last year’s White House Easter Egg Roll featured a surprise visit from Beyoncé; athletes from the NBA and Washington Redskins; and a performance by actress and singer Idina Menzel,” writes Politico’s Nancy Cook. “This year, the big act for the Trump administration is the Martin Family Circus, a six-person family band from Nashville that’s driving up to DC for the annual event in an RV.” Despite that phenomenal booking, attendance this year plummeted—with inept press secretary Sean Spicer (who, #neverforget, used to be the sweaty dipshit inside the Easter Bunny suit at these things) admitting that the White House expected only 21,000 attendees... just a touch short of last year’s 37,000. MEANWHILE... Oh, you thought we were done talking about the White House’s stupid egg party? Not even, as AOL News reports that during the festivities the White House accidentally Snapchatted a “We miss Obama” sign—one that was “presumably written by a child.” Out of the mouths of babes, dears. Out of the mouths of babes.
TUESDAY, APRIL 18
HOORAY! It’s an Easter miracle! “The Rock and Vin Diesel have buried the hatchet,” comes the wondrous news from TMZ, which also reports that the muscle-bound lugs “have met privately several times since animosity between them exploded on the set of The Fate of the Furious.” Sources say the feud was all about “real estate”—which, in Hollywood, is code for “who gets the best action scenes, who gets the hottest girl, who shows off their body more, and who gets the most face time.” Good fight, guys. IN RELATED NEWS... Remember, dears, that in past interviews, the Rock has hinted he might run for president! In any other universe, the phrase “Vote Rock and Diesel in 2020” might seem like a joke. In our universe, it can only be an improvement. Start looking forward to Easter 2021, when Vice President Diesel will punch the Easter Bunny over real estate.
WEDNESDAY, APRIL 19
Well, today’s going great for Fox News host Bill O’Reilly—who, in light of damning sexual harassment allegations, took a nice vacation to Rome! And today he got to meet Pope Francis! (This week’s One Days sure are Jesus-y. Sorry! Next week we’ll be extra atheist-y to balance it out.) O’Reilly, according to the New York Times, sat in “St. Peter’s Square during the pontiff’s weekly general audience, shaking hands with a religious leader he once lectured over immigration.” Look at that—one sexual predator shaking hands with a man who oversees an entire organization devoted to sexual predation! We live in exciting times. MEANWHILE... They just got more exciting! “Bill O’Reilly’s reign as the top-rated host in cable news came to an abrupt and embarrassing end on Wednesday as Fox News forced him out after the disclosure of a series of sexual harassment allegations against him and an internal investigation that turned up even more,” the Times reports. HOORAY! It’s an Easter mira—OH. NEVER MIND... “O’Reilly, the biggest star on cable TV news, will walk away from Fox with as much as $25 million,” reports the Washington Post. “He just last month reupped at the network with a three-year contract whose terms reportedly awarded him a year’s salary in severance.” And the possibilities get even worse—as Mercury Calendar Editor Bobby Roberts pointed out in a tweet about a certain president: “You know he’s gonna hire O’Reilly to replace Spicer, right?” UGH. Bobby’s probably right. Dears, this is the worst Easter ever—and we’re including the one where that hippie wouldn’t stop hanging around.
THURSDAY, APRIL 20
As one of the nation’s most enduring symbols, the White House is a standing architectural representation of dignity, grandeur, and the solemn responsibility each president assumes when chosen to serve the nation. For more than 200 years, pillars of humanity have passed through its doors—world leaders, peacemakers, poets, and dreamers. Then Donald Trump came along. From the New York Times: “Ted Nugent, Kid Rock, and Sarah Palin had a fête to remember at the White House for several hours Wednesday night, as President Trump treated the high-profile supporters to a white-china private dinner, a room-by-room tour, and free-range policy chat.” As you recall, Palin, Rock, and Nugent were some of Trump’s most high-profile supporters during the 2016 election—especially Nugent, who at various points during Barack Obama’s term called the former president a “gangster,” a “subhuman mongrel,” and during a 2012 concert warned that if Obama were to be reelected, the rocker would either “be dead or in jail by this time next year.” (Could someone please research the last time a potential assassin was invited inside the White House? That might be a question for the Secret Service.) Anyway, when Palin was later asked why she chose Kid Rock and Ted Nugent to accompany her, she said, “Because Jesus was booked.” Contacted for response, Jesus Christ lamented, “First Ann calls me a hippie, and now Sarah Palin lumps me in with Kid Rock and Ted Nugent? I guess crucifixion isn’t enough for some people!”
FRIDAY, APRIL 21
Today in HOLD UP: Dreamboat sweetheart and Guardians of the Galaxy star Chris Pratt just dropped a couple of notches on our list of “Hollyweird Stars We’d Love to Spoon,” thanks to recent comments in Men’s Fitness. When asked what type of films he’d like to see, Pratt said, “I don’t see personal stories that necessarily resonate with me, because they’re not my stories. The voice of the average, blue-collar American isn’t necessarily represented in Hollywood.” WHAAAAAAT. For those just joining us, a quick refresher on Chris Pratt: He is handsome, adorable, and ALSO a straight, white male in possession of the many assorted privileges automatically bestowed upon him and his kind at birth. AND has he never seen Manchester by the Sea, Passengers (starring blue-collar guy Chris Pratt), or any movie with Mark Wahlberg ever? AND does he not realize he’s employed by an industry that actually marginalizes women and people of color? Happily, the second that Chris noticed the internet’s head snap toward him, he issued a brief but acceptable apology. “That was actually a pretty stupid thing to say,” Chris wrote on Twitter. “I’ll own that. There’s a ton of movies about blue-collar America.” IN A RELATED STORY... Chris Pratt has regained his former position on our “celebrity spoon” list. (Confidential to Star-Lord: This Sunday, 4 pm, room 325, Embassy Suites by the airport. Be there.)
SATURDAY, APRIL 22
As we rapidly approach the 100th day of the Trump presidency—hooray, we’re not dead?—the president would like to remind us that the 100-day standard that’s been imposed upon him is “ridiculous” (according to one of his spasmodic tweets), and “an artificial barrier [that’s] not very meaningful.” Besides, who came up with this get-lots-of-stuff-done-in-100-days idea, anyway? “Somebody put out the concept of a 100-day plan,” he whined to the Associated Press. He’s right about that, somebody did originally introduce the concept... and it was President Trump himself in his “Contract with the American Voter” released on October 22, 2016, which included a plethora of promises that would be accomplished in his first 100 days, such as the travel ban on Muslims, repealing Obamacare, labeling China a “currency manipulator,” “draining the swamp,” and many other so-far failed ideas. (But shhhhhh! The less he remembers about this evil plan, the better, right?) So don’t worry about that silly, meaningless 100-day nonsense, Mr. President! The only deadline you have to hit is a 10 am tee time at Mar-a-Lago!
SUNDAY, APRIL 23
Just when you think flying couldn’t possibly get worse after a man was dragged off a United Airlines flight... it got WORSE. (Times two!) First, a brawl nearly erupted on American Airlines after a flight attendant allegedly yanked a baby stroller away from a sobbing woman, nearly hitting her infant. This inspired a male passenger to step forward and get in the attendant’s face, prompting the attendant to beg the passenger to “Hit me! Come on, hit me!” The attendant in question has been removed from duty pending an investigation. BUT MOST HORRIFYING OF ALL... CNN reported today that passengers on a Saturday flight from Tampa to Los Angeles were treated to/accosted by an inflight performance by Kenny G, who roamed up and down the aisle playing his magic flute or whatever the fuck it is. If you’re wondering to yourself, “What could possibly be worse than that?” Well, imagine being seated next to Sarah Palin, Kid Rock, and Ted Nugent. Trust us, dears... it can always get worse.