Early in Fifty Shades Darker, heroine Anastasia Steele blankly stares at her former/current lover, Christian Grey, and says, “This isn’t a relationship; it’s ownership.” She says it like that’s a bad thing. Then, at 5,000 other points throughout the movie, Christian tells Anastasia she belongs to him, and Ana smiles.

If this is what us gals are supposed to salivate over on Valentine’s Day, I remain disappointed in Hollywood’s expectations of women. This isn’t love.

I think Fifty Shades Darker—the second film in this dumb trilogy—is supposed to be the “happy” one, where Christian decides he doesn’t have to be a sadist, and maybe there’s something to the fact that all his submissives look like his mom, and perhaps he’ll take a look at that so he and Ana can be a normal couple. That is, until they have to face the dozen villains who are introduced (including a deliciously nasty Kim Basinger) and all the other obstacles facing a young wealthy sociopath.

At one point during the screening, the chatty lady behind me blurted out, “OH, SO WE’RE NOT STICKING TO THE BOOK AT ALL.” She sounded mad? So if you care, there you have it. I haven’t read the books because they’re bad and the sex writing is bad. But good news: The sexy scenes in Fifty Shades Darker: The Movie are pretty sexy! Whatever they’re paying the actors is finally enough to make them pretend to like each other. And the terrible power dynamic of their relationship—which, again, should not be celebrated or emulated—doesn’t work its way into the bedroom scenes, so, in theory, you could enjoy a decent portion of the movie for the beautifully shot smut that it is. But to do so, you’ll have to ignore the larger portion of the movie that is offensive. There are probably easier ways to get your jollies. You deserve better! Happy Valentine’s Day! recommended