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Look, fuck it: If you really liked the Twilight books, you'll probably really enjoy the Twilight movie. Although your favorite line of dialogue, whatever it is, will probably not make it into the movie, and that will give you something to complain about on the message boards at www.bellaandedward.com for months to come. If you have no desire to read Twilight—or if you tried it and found the hackneyed dialogue and empty-headed plotlessness too offensive to continue—there is absolutely no reason for you to see this movie.
The tragic part is that a few of the actors are really trying here, with varying levels of success. Robert Pattinson, with his lustrous hair piled high and weightless as Cool Whip atop his head, does his best sullen, muttery James Dean impersonation as vampire Edward Cullen. Unfortunately, when it comes time for his character to fall in love with Bella (Kristen Stewart), his true lack of acting ability comes through: He all but disappears from the screen when he has to do something more than mope prettily. It's Stewart who surprises: She takes a character as pathetic and poorly constructed as Bella—basically a purposeless cipher until the man of her dreams ambles along—and makes her a convincing, rounded person. Billy Burke, too, as Bella's taciturn dad, brings a much stronger, more nuanced performance to the movie than is really required.
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Twilight's production values are exactly what you'd expect from this kind of money-hungry teenage-girl bait. Almost all the special effects consist of muddied speed lines to simulate ultrafast movement or some rickety wire-fu to imitate supernatural climbing. The television show Smallville has better superpower effects than what we get here, and that's not saying much of anything at all. But the cheap-ass effects wouldn't seem so egregious if they were in service to a director who was at all confident in the material. Because most of the film consists of endless stretches of dialogue, Catherine Hardwicke moves the camera around her actors ceaselessly in order to do something. At two points the expository chatter gets so dull that the camera just starts panning around to different elements of scenery—look! A mossy tree!—rather than stick with the monotony of two actors yapping.
Parts of the movie are more satisfying than the book. The bad guys are introduced much earlier in the film, creating a semirespectable simulacrum of a plot. Unlike the book, which relays the climax second-hand during the closing denouement, there is a climactic battle (not a very good one, but still) onscreen. It's better, too, to watch Bella and Edward interact than to read about it. At first, as they snap and snark at each other, they appear mildly alarmed by their own budding puppy love, like a monkey who can't quite stop touching an electric fence. And, most welcome of all, they laugh with each other. Unlike the book, where the two lovers continually make oaths and vows and repeatedly (and with grave seriousness) proclaim their love, these two people actually seem to like each other. It's not enough to save the movie, but it's a notable improvement. Hopefully, Twilight author Stephenie Meyer will notice that little bit of humanity and strive to include it in her next manuscript. Maybe that way, all this celluloid will not have died in vain.
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1
I hate that I loved the books (yes, all 4 of them), but I did. I tried not to, I tried to ignore it, but by the end of the 4th I was looking into the pre-release manuscript for the 5th. It's brainless, easy reading. If you want something more intellectual, don't browse the teen fantasy section of your B&N... and try not to write an article about it.
3
I don't know if a good defense of these books is that it is"brainless reading."
Isn't that the point of reading? a little mental stimulation?
just sayin
Isn't that the point of reading? a little mental stimulation?
just sayin
4
Lindy West made you see Twilight, and YOU LIKED IT (kinda). Check your head for a periscope, you just might be a sub.
5
When I got to the killer psychic baby in the fourth book I threw it across the room. The books are fucking terrible, but that plot point was beyond awful.
6
After the manic crowds die down I may catch a matinee of this, but the books were lame. The vapid martyr complex and victimhood of teenage love/angst never captured my imagination.
That said, in the whole series I only managed to make it through Twilight and about 1/4 of New Moon before I put it down and forgot about it. I think it's sitting underneath the passenger seat of my car growing mold. I read Stephanie Meyer's "The Host" before starting the Twilight books and that main character's most notable attributes were strikingly like Bella's: martyrdom and self-pitying "no one understands me" victimness. I sense a theme here. Bah.
That said, in the whole series I only managed to make it through Twilight and about 1/4 of New Moon before I put it down and forgot about it. I think it's sitting underneath the passenger seat of my car growing mold. I read Stephanie Meyer's "The Host" before starting the Twilight books and that main character's most notable attributes were strikingly like Bella's: martyrdom and self-pitying "no one understands me" victimness. I sense a theme here. Bah.
8
Sometimes I hate the Stranger because of it's NEED to disagree and to not let anything be just fun or tasty. Whenever a restaurant is reviewed that's an expensive, "foodie-ish" place, they seem so disappointed that the servers were friendly and that the food was good. Grow up. Same with some film that's just fun and sexy and fulfills some fantasies (and not just teen ones, quoth the middle-aged soccer mom).Stop being all poltical and feminist and...yawn..get in the spirit. If your sexual fantasies are all politically correct and fraught with strong professional women being powerful and uncompromising then have at it, just leave the rest of us alone who like sexy, powerful, vampires who make us melt. And wet.
9
when the last book in the series came out the stranger wrote an article bashing it and its readers. The funny thing is that I had my now ex girlfriend read it and she completely agreed with everything in it. The really funny thing is that she positively loves the series and is probably one of those stupid little bitches staying up tell 12 just to see the movie and wet themselves at the sight of "edward" who can't act and isn't even that attractive of a man.
10
so everyone does get that this is a book for teenagers based on teenagers and all these comments are hillarious!
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lol at a middle-aged soccer mom defending a retarded movie. If this piece of trash fulfilled any of your fantasies then they must have included crappy acting, crappy directing and worse dialogue. But if you're willing to suffer/ignore that because there's a vampire in it, I applaud your lack of intelligent thought.
Also, mindless books translate to mindless movies. That's what happens when your source material is garbage. But hey, that's not what it's about, it's about selling the merchandise at Hot Topic. You're free to disagree, but time will be far crueler to films like this than I am.
Also, mindless books translate to mindless movies. That's what happens when your source material is garbage. But hey, that's not what it's about, it's about selling the merchandise at Hot Topic. You're free to disagree, but time will be far crueler to films like this than I am.
12
Yeah. Twilight series and movie are about not having sex until marriage. I'm okay with my 14-year-old daughter fangirling, but am glad we're watching Trueblood on HBO as well. Alan Ball's adaptation of Charlaine Harris' Sookie Stackhouse ROCKS!
14
As someone who grew up on the Olympic Peninsula, Twlight disgusts me right off the bat purely because it is based in Forks. Hadn't the author never even been there before she started writing the books? I have managed to keep myself from ever getting more than a couple of pages in, but from what I've heard from friends who have read it, there is a distinct lack of authentic representation of the town. My moral objections to the movie are based first and foremost on where it was filmed-- IT'S NOT EVEN IN THE RIGHT ECOSYSTEM. The school is approximately three times the size of the actual high school, there is hardly any rain (and it's supposed to be taking place in a town that really gets 13 feet of rain a year? please.), and nothing, absolutely nothing, as cool as the presence of vampires would ever happen in Forks. Sorry to burst your bubble.
15
Thanks for another great review, which in this case, is likely better than the movie and the book. I'll never know because life is too short to subject myself to crap like Twilight.
I am a Buffy the Vampire Slayer fan (go ahead and laugh, but I love it) so various people I know keep trying to get me to read Twilight but I refuse. Beyond the vampire theme, there's no comparison. BtVS features interesting funny characters, unexpected plot lines, witty dialogue and women who get to be powerful. These qualities make BtVS stand out among most other tv programs and Hollywood films.
I saw the Twilight trailer when I went to see Let the Right One In--a great film, by the way, but probably way too nuanced and genuinely creepy for Twilight fans. The trailer cuts straight to the damsel in distress business, with Edward proclaiming to Bella that he wants to keep her safe. Same old, same old. It also looks just like every other standard Hollywood film put out these days.
To the Middle Aged Soccer Mom: Bully for you if you like this crap but don't cry about it if the rest of us can't be bothered. You have Entertainment Tonight and Extra to attend to your needs, we don't. It gets really fatiguing to see the typical helpless, pretty female rescued by the enigmatic, equally pretty knight in shining hair product. Believe it or not, some of us, even near middle aged women like myself, don't actually harbor fantasies like this. Really.
I am a Buffy the Vampire Slayer fan (go ahead and laugh, but I love it) so various people I know keep trying to get me to read Twilight but I refuse. Beyond the vampire theme, there's no comparison. BtVS features interesting funny characters, unexpected plot lines, witty dialogue and women who get to be powerful. These qualities make BtVS stand out among most other tv programs and Hollywood films.
I saw the Twilight trailer when I went to see Let the Right One In--a great film, by the way, but probably way too nuanced and genuinely creepy for Twilight fans. The trailer cuts straight to the damsel in distress business, with Edward proclaiming to Bella that he wants to keep her safe. Same old, same old. It also looks just like every other standard Hollywood film put out these days.
To the Middle Aged Soccer Mom: Bully for you if you like this crap but don't cry about it if the rest of us can't be bothered. You have Entertainment Tonight and Extra to attend to your needs, we don't. It gets really fatiguing to see the typical helpless, pretty female rescued by the enigmatic, equally pretty knight in shining hair product. Believe it or not, some of us, even near middle aged women like myself, don't actually harbor fantasies like this. Really.
16
Interesting, know-it-all, that you're condemning a movie and calling it "crap" without having seen it. Now what does that remind me of...oh yeah - those right-wing groups and religious freaks who seek to ban films all the time.
I haven't seen the movie, either, actually: i said "some" film and my comment was directed more at the Stranger and angry, strident, narrow-minded people who get all worked up of something as silly as this. "Art" and "entertainment" aren't mutually exclusive, you know. Sometimes something is both, but even if it's not, you can like and enjoy pure escapist fare and it doesn't make you shallow.
and Fah Q, you seem to know a lot about the movie and the quality of the acting so you've either seen it or...see above. And don't insult my intellect , please. Because you disagree with my comment, I'm stupid?! And your use of the word "retarded"? MOST un-pc. My my my we are VERY hostile. Take a pill, people.
I haven't seen the movie, either, actually: i said "some" film and my comment was directed more at the Stranger and angry, strident, narrow-minded people who get all worked up of something as silly as this. "Art" and "entertainment" aren't mutually exclusive, you know. Sometimes something is both, but even if it's not, you can like and enjoy pure escapist fare and it doesn't make you shallow.
and Fah Q, you seem to know a lot about the movie and the quality of the acting so you've either seen it or...see above. And don't insult my intellect , please. Because you disagree with my comment, I'm stupid?! And your use of the word "retarded"? MOST un-pc. My my my we are VERY hostile. Take a pill, people.
17
Lauri, I think it's great that you enjoy this movie, and I don't think anyone's trying to take that away from you. Pointing out that something is sexist isn't the same as saying THIS IS TERRIBLE AND MUST BE BANNED. Some women will enjoy it anyway, some won't, and I agree that it's certainly unfair to accuse you of being shallow because you do enjoy it.
In my own case, I am not a Twilight fan, but I wrote my senior thesis about an artist whose work is incredibly sexist. And my whole thesis related to his sexism and misogyny. But I absolutely love his work anyway, and the bizarre attitudes about women are part of what makes it so great! You can comment on the sexism in a work of art without necessarily implying a personal attack on the artist or his fans.
I do have to disagree with your comment about how unfair it is to condemn a movie without seeing it. Sometimes you can tell, with a fairly high degree of certainty, that a movie is just not going to be your thing even if you haven't seen it. Personally, I like action and horror movies, so I might go see Twilight, and I don't know yet if I'll like it or not. But I am NOT going to see, for example, "Four Christmases."
In my own case, I am not a Twilight fan, but I wrote my senior thesis about an artist whose work is incredibly sexist. And my whole thesis related to his sexism and misogyny. But I absolutely love his work anyway, and the bizarre attitudes about women are part of what makes it so great! You can comment on the sexism in a work of art without necessarily implying a personal attack on the artist or his fans.
I do have to disagree with your comment about how unfair it is to condemn a movie without seeing it. Sometimes you can tell, with a fairly high degree of certainty, that a movie is just not going to be your thing even if you haven't seen it. Personally, I like action and horror movies, so I might go see Twilight, and I don't know yet if I'll like it or not. But I am NOT going to see, for example, "Four Christmases."
18
Go see "Let the Right One In."
Ya know, if you want a REALLY good vampire movie.
A really good movie by any standards, actually.
Ya know, if you want a REALLY good vampire movie.
A really good movie by any standards, actually.
19
Mr. Constant, no matter what book or movie you review, I'm always entertained. If only all the material you reviewed led to such biting commentary. Thanks for the laughs.
20
The writer isn't a teenager. I don't buy the excuse that just because it's supposedly for teenagers it's okay for a film or book to be poorly written and/or acted. There are far too many examples of the opposite out there, of which I could name some obvious choices but won't.
21
It's a great teen book, but if you're looking for something jucier try the Anita Blake or Sookie Stackhouse novels.
22
laurie jst - Comparing me to Right Wing Religious zealots is hilarious and entertaining. Well done! Thanks for the laugh. Condemning a movie I haven't seen? Such an atrocity, such a crime against humanity. I will not repent. Nope, Twilight won't get a dime of my hard earned money or another moment of my time. I never said anything about a ban, but suggesting that I did lends a nice tinge of bile to your comment. Again, well done!
Given your far flung comparison, it's looking like you're probably more pissed off than I am. That surprises me given that your tastes are pandered to and mine, for the most part, are not.
If The Stranger frustrates you, don't read it. I'd rather not waste my time on sexist, formulaic stuff so I don't. Perhaps the trailer misrepresented Twilight and it's really a politically progressive wonderland of artistic innovation. I kinda doubt it though and am willing to go through the rest of my life without finding out for sure.
Given your far flung comparison, it's looking like you're probably more pissed off than I am. That surprises me given that your tastes are pandered to and mine, for the most part, are not.
If The Stranger frustrates you, don't read it. I'd rather not waste my time on sexist, formulaic stuff so I don't. Perhaps the trailer misrepresented Twilight and it's really a politically progressive wonderland of artistic innovation. I kinda doubt it though and am willing to go through the rest of my life without finding out for sure.
23
Last time I checked vampires explode or burn in daylight, not sparkle like a damn Christmas tree. For this reason alone, Twilight fails...badly.
24
The books were horrible, simplistic, and the plot was awful ("iloveyouforever" and psyhcic killer baby? where does meyer come up with this crap?)
I have absolutely NO desire to see the movie because as a general rule, movies are not as good as the book(s) they're based on.
I have absolutely NO desire to see the movie because as a general rule, movies are not as good as the book(s) they're based on.
27
To continue Alyssa's thread...the waterfall scene? FORKS??? That's Multnomah Falls, folks, one of the more famous OREGON landmarks!
Sorry, just a little local rivalry.
Sorry, just a little local rivalry.
28
All of the early twenty something girls I work w/ have been raving about these books so I finally decided to read the first one which I have done in the last 24 and honestly ya it blows, it's like a g rated chiclit for tween girls but isn't that what it really is anyway?!? It is an easy read and if i were 12 I might be really into it but then again when I was 12 I was very angst ridden and would only read kerouac and tom robbins so prob not. I could not imagine a guy reading it although I curiously know of a few married men who have which kinda scares me, but ya I won't be seein the movie and I am happy I just borrowed the book.
29
Yeah...who made the rule that all ENTERTAINMENT has to be high-minded and thought-provoking? I enjoy reading a tense pre-teen makeout scene and then jumping my boyfriend. It brings back the ecstatic stupidity of my teen years, and what's more, reading those books kept me sane during the last 2 weeks of the election. Noam Chomsky has no such super-power. I plan on seeing and movie AND LIKING IT just to spite this vitriolic reviewer. (so there)*eye roll*
30
WOW I was looking forward to this, But the movie was SO VERY BAD. The acting was wooden and the connection between the leads was so forced at best. I was laughing, and what the hell was with the grainy sepia toned flash backs, and the body glitter?!?
Please just reread the book and skip this film.
Please just reread the book and skip this film.
31
"Bella--basically a purposeless cipher until the man of her dreams ambles along"
Never heard a better description of what a good Mormon girl is supposed to be, so they're probably staying true to the author's vision, then.
Never heard a better description of what a good Mormon girl is supposed to be, so they're probably staying true to the author's vision, then.
33
My daughter is 12 and has read all of the books to date. I took her to see the movie and she loved it. That's who it's for, with all of its vapid, self-involved, obsessive, sexlessness. Even she thought it was cheesy, but she loved that there were no adult themes to muddy the puppy love. It would have been a great nap for me, except for the eruption of giggles every time Edward appeared on screen.
34
Twilight was a very good movie, not much like the book but it was still very good. You seem to lack much of an imagination or take yourself so seriously that you cant let go and just enjoy something. I find that sad and think you need to loosen up a little and just enjoy things. Critics don't only need to love movies like citizen cane and it doesnt make you any less of a man or woman to admit you like something childish. Get past your pride.
35
Just because Paul Constant or anyone on the comments section think Twilight isn't a good movie doesn't mean they're anti-entertainment. It mostly means they're anti-bad movies.
Take Constant himself: he gave The Incredible Hulk a great review. Overall, he gives fair reviews and keeps in mind what the target audience of his writing and the films are. So need to rag on him.
Also ... @ MLEemily
From the review:
"It's not enough to save the movie, but it's a notable improvement."
"The tragic part is that a few of the actors are really trying here, with varying levels of success."
Is that really a vitriolic review? If you think so, then let me tell you – your grade nine science teacher wasn't out to get you when he gave you a C-.
Also, you said you "enjoy reading a tense pre-teen makeout scene." I haven't read the series, but from what I understand, there isn't a whole lot of that going on. It's mostly a bunch of chaste "I love you"s being traded.
Take Constant himself: he gave The Incredible Hulk a great review. Overall, he gives fair reviews and keeps in mind what the target audience of his writing and the films are. So need to rag on him.
Also ... @ MLEemily
From the review:
"It's not enough to save the movie, but it's a notable improvement."
"The tragic part is that a few of the actors are really trying here, with varying levels of success."
Is that really a vitriolic review? If you think so, then let me tell you – your grade nine science teacher wasn't out to get you when he gave you a C-.
Also, you said you "enjoy reading a tense pre-teen makeout scene." I haven't read the series, but from what I understand, there isn't a whole lot of that going on. It's mostly a bunch of chaste "I love you"s being traded.
36
Loved the books hated the movie. The movie is trying waaaaay too hard to show how in love these two are with each other...
And word, Pattinson can't act. He did better in Harry Potter n the Goblet of Fire.
And word, Pattinson can't act. He did better in Harry Potter n the Goblet of Fire.
37
Awesome books. Awesome movie. Congrats to Hardwicke for being 1st female director to pull in that kinda cash. Robert & Kristen rock the shit out of it!
38
Okay, just saw "Twilight" and boy, is their marketing off base! They're promoting it as a romance, but it's unquestionably a horror film: it its universe, if one has the misfortune to become a vampire as a young person, one is apparently condemmed to REPEAT HIGH SCHOOL FOR THE REST OF YOUR IMMORTAL LIFE.
No kidding. There's a shot in the vampire's house where the two leads walk past an art peice consisting of hundreds of overlapping graduation caps. "We matriculate a lot," says McDreamy. Trapped in High School forever? That's horror, man!
No kidding. There's a shot in the vampire's house where the two leads walk past an art peice consisting of hundreds of overlapping graduation caps. "We matriculate a lot," says McDreamy. Trapped in High School forever? That's horror, man!
39
When people respond to a bad review with, "It's supposed to be bad! Critical thinking doesn't apply for this movie!" I can only wonder why they're bothering with reading a review . . .
40
Why do the Twilight fans require so much validation?
Why do the Twilight fans keep insisting that the non-fans would actually like the film if they would only quit being judgmental snobs?
Why do the Twilight fans keep insisting that the non-fans would actually like the film if they would only quit being judgmental snobs?
41
I just have to ask you, lauri jst, as one "soccer mom" to another are you getting off on the Jonas Brothers too? The point of the article isn't to "shame" you for wanting vampire sex ala Mary K. Laturneau -it's for settling for it cheap. If you're going to fantasize, make it meaty...and I'll take mine with real teeth, not prosthetic ones. Thanks.
42
Thank you Paul for nailing what I was feeling as I read Twilight. It was so pointless and time-wasting and REPETITIVE that it made me mad! "Or if you tried it and found the hackneyed dialogue and empty-headed plotlessness too offensive to continue" - Why, yes, as a matter of fact I did! That was some of the worst writing I have ever read. DO NOT say its okay because it is supposed to be "light" or "for teens". Lots of great stuff out there for teens or light reading. Meyer clearly Googled all of her info on the Olympic peninsula and has got to be the worst writer of our time. The lack of creativity in this book is totally appalling. I am amazed at how many people like this total piece of shit book.
43
On a completely non-intellectual "vampire cheese" level, I enjoyed the books and movies. Terrible writing? Check. Terrible acting? Check. Mindless entertainment? Check. I opted not to enter into the kneejerk "Wait, should I like this? Where are the strong female characters? Does this fit the caliber of the movies I normally watch?" analysis, and just marveled at the absolutely ridiculous premise (that if you smell good, you will find the love of your life and this will fulfill you). It had me in stitches. You like it or you don't. Feel free not to!
44
I admit, I read the books. I had nothing else to do that week. They were okay. I mean I'm not going to start complaining about them because that will take too much effort. I wasn't going to see the movie.. I mean I might have rented it once it was on DVD for a while but whatever. But then I saw it had Robert Pattinson. As lame as I feel typing this, I think he is extremely attractive. He made Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire worth it for me. Anyways, I saw that he was in it so I saw the movie. It wasn't the best movie ever but it wasn't horrible. Not the worst thing to suck up two hours of my life.
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