May 2
DAVIDinKENAI commented on NBA Player Comes Out: "I'm a 34-year-old NBA center. I'm black. And I'm gay.".
DAVIDinKENAI commented on NBA Player Comes Out: "I'm a 34-year-old NBA center. I'm black. And I'm gay.".
Apr 18
DAVIDinKENAI commented on SL Letter of the Day: Big Time.
DAVIDinKENAI commented on SL Letter of the Day: Big Time.
@70: I agree he's not a closet case as in a gay man posing as straight in a straight marriage. My point was that there are parallels:
1) He wasn't honest about his sexual attraction to something his wife is not and probably never will be,
2) his lack of attraction to his wife, and
3) his affection and appreciation for his wife is not in question, nor is it for the married gay guy - they each married someone they respect and love as a friend, but don't find sexually attractive.
The LW says he's "madly in love" with his wife and in that, it's better than the mixed-orientation marriage in which the uninformed spouse may be "in love" while the closeted spouse is "in like" only.
Maybe it's just me, but what I consider "in love" hasn't happened for me with anyone I wasn't attracted to. So I wonder if he is really "in love" with his wife or more in love with the concept of being married to the hot, societally-approved wife.
1) He wasn't honest about his sexual attraction to something his wife is not and probably never will be,
2) his lack of attraction to his wife, and
3) his affection and appreciation for his wife is not in question, nor is it for the married gay guy - they each married someone they respect and love as a friend, but don't find sexually attractive.
The LW says he's "madly in love" with his wife and in that, it's better than the mixed-orientation marriage in which the uninformed spouse may be "in love" while the closeted spouse is "in like" only.
Maybe it's just me, but what I consider "in love" hasn't happened for me with anyone I wasn't attracted to. So I wonder if he is really "in love" with his wife or more in love with the concept of being married to the hot, societally-approved wife.
Apr 18
DAVIDinKENAI commented on SL Letter of the Day: Mystery Bulk.
DAVIDinKENAI commented on SL Letter of the Day: Mystery Bulk.
@12: Yeah. I worked with a guy who had Crohn syndrome (a type of inflammatory bowel disease) and when he had to go, he went, there wasn't anything voluntary about it and sometimes there wasn't much warning. He did field work and traveled in van with a 5-gallon bucket converted to a port-potty. He was pretty open about it, but I could imagine someone who wouldn't want to disclose. Further, if his diet and drugs were keeping it under control, it wasn't so bad (maybe no need to diapers) and other times, it was more hair-trigger.
In the context of Savage Love, of course we all jump to the possible (even likely) sexual connection, but this could be a medical issue.
In the context of Savage Love, of course we all jump to the possible (even likely) sexual connection, but this could be a medical issue.
Apr 17
DAVIDinKENAI commented on SL Letter of the Day: Big Time.
DAVIDinKENAI commented on SL Letter of the Day: Big Time.
@29: "He married his wife under false pretenses." Yes! There are lots of parallels to the closet cases who marry a "beard" causing her to wonder for years what's wrong with herself that her husband isn't attracted to her.
People don't have to be madly in love and sexually attracted to each other to marry. But if they are not (and especially if one is acting as if he was), he needs to disclose long before saying, "I do" and give her the choice as to whether to have that kind of marriage. And, if someone is "hoping that I'd become sexually attracted to my wife", the wife-to-be needs to be in loop and decide if SHE wants to roll those dice because the odds aren't good. I don't know any couples where that hoped for attraction developed. Affection sometimes, tolerance or resignation to an imperfect status quo more commonly, and, often, the unattracted partner dumps the undesired victim at an age of about 40.
@42: I don't think that was the point of the letter, but on your automotive analogy: "like trading in your Ferrari for a Ford Festiva", perhaps better would be, "ignoring your racing bicycle to go cruising for the night in a very used AMC Pacer."
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People don't have to be madly in love and sexually attracted to each other to marry. But if they are not (and especially if one is acting as if he was), he needs to disclose long before saying, "I do" and give her the choice as to whether to have that kind of marriage. And, if someone is "hoping that I'd become sexually attracted to my wife", the wife-to-be needs to be in loop and decide if SHE wants to roll those dice because the odds aren't good. I don't know any couples where that hoped for attraction developed. Affection sometimes, tolerance or resignation to an imperfect status quo more commonly, and, often, the unattracted partner dumps the undesired victim at an age of about 40.
@42: I don't think that was the point of the letter, but on your automotive analogy: "like trading in your Ferrari for a Ford Festiva", perhaps better would be, "ignoring your racing bicycle to go cruising for the night in a very used AMC Pacer."
Apr 13
DAVIDinKENAI commented on Getting Out of Your Early Marriage, Mormon-Style!.
DAVIDinKENAI commented on Getting Out of Your Early Marriage, Mormon-Style!.
NoCuteName: Oh, agreed, like all such "rules", it's silly to think it avoids heart ache or maximizes happiness.
Of late, though, I've seen "1/2+7" more often described as a "reasonably non-creepy" age range. And while I'm fine with someone doing a Harold-and-Maude thing, there are social memes that will get you an odd look like interracial dating, some trans people, or various handicaps still do in some places.
Dan's "campsite rule" lays out the conditions for being cautious more relevantly: when there is a significant power imbalance, the more powerful/rich/old/hot partner needs to be be careful to leave scorched earth
Of late, though, I've seen "1/2+7" more often described as a "reasonably non-creepy" age range. And while I'm fine with someone doing a Harold-and-Maude thing, there are social memes that will get you an odd look like interracial dating, some trans people, or various handicaps still do in some places.
Dan's "campsite rule" lays out the conditions for being cautious more relevantly: when there is a significant power imbalance, the more powerful/rich/old/hot partner needs to be be careful to leave scorched earth
Apr 13
DAVIDinKENAI commented on Getting Out of Your Early Marriage, Mormon-Style!.
DAVIDinKENAI commented on Getting Out of Your Early Marriage, Mormon-Style!.
@21: I was hearing "half your age plus 7" 30 years ago, so it predates Dan and the internet. People have traced it further back than that.
Back to suicide:
1) Utahans are pikers. Alaskans have them so beat in depression, alcohol use, gun ownership, isolation, long winter, etc. That we're only 35% higher suggests some serious problems in Utah.
2) DC! Look at DC! Lowest suicide rate in the country. Mostly poor and black, you'd think life would suck - lousy schools, high crime rate and drug use.
3) Freakonomics did a great podcast on suicide. And examined the weird, "poor blacks don't kill themselves, white guys do" dichotomy.
4) My own thoughts are that if you have external reasons for your unhappiness (poor, black, unemployed) that isn't an existential crisis. But if you "have it all" - well-off, white, own property, living "in God's country" and a locker full of guns, and you're still not happy? Time to end it all.
Back to suicide:
1) Utahans are pikers. Alaskans have them so beat in depression, alcohol use, gun ownership, isolation, long winter, etc. That we're only 35% higher suggests some serious problems in Utah.
2) DC! Look at DC! Lowest suicide rate in the country. Mostly poor and black, you'd think life would suck - lousy schools, high crime rate and drug use.
3) Freakonomics did a great podcast on suicide. And examined the weird, "poor blacks don't kill themselves, white guys do" dichotomy.
4) My own thoughts are that if you have external reasons for your unhappiness (poor, black, unemployed) that isn't an existential crisis. But if you "have it all" - well-off, white, own property, living "in God's country" and a locker full of guns, and you're still not happy? Time to end it all.
Apr 12
DAVIDinKENAI commented on SL Letter of the Day: The Most Beautiful Woman On Earth.
DAVIDinKENAI commented on SL Letter of the Day: The Most Beautiful Woman On Earth.
Is any letter that says, "I love him so much" (twice) ever going to end well?
Apr 12
DAVIDinKENAI commented on SL Letter of the Day: Emission Possible.
DAVIDinKENAI commented on SL Letter of the Day: Emission Possible.
@17/@22: It happens. I know someone who, back in the wild-west days of hang gliding, signed up, and launched off a very tall cliff with little training. When a gust inverted the hang glider, she didn't know how to right it and suffered a concussion and skull fracture upon landing. But not so much brain damage that she couldn't regret the minimal training.
"banana onion cornbread remorse" I'm not sure actually happens, but I love the whole list as a humorous, literary device.
"banana onion cornbread remorse" I'm not sure actually happens, but I love the whole list as a humorous, literary device.
Apr 12
DAVIDinKENAI commented on How Long Did You Last?.
DAVIDinKENAI commented on How Long Did You Last?.
@69 (woo-hoo, better number than #1!): Not a "Christian rock song", but the best damn Christmas folk song EVER:
"The Christians and the Pagans" by Dar Williams.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t_KiHRHwa…
As she once said during a live concert, "This song never enjoyed great commercial success, but I understand it's still #1 on the Unitarian charts."
"The Christians and the Pagans" by Dar Williams.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t_KiHRHwa…
As she once said during a live concert, "This song never enjoyed great commercial success, but I understand it's still #1 on the Unitarian charts."
Apr 11
DAVIDinKENAI commented on How Long Did You Last?.
DAVIDinKENAI commented on How Long Did You Last?.
@68: I had vaguely similar thoughts: "nice looking gay couple"; "those two dudes had better style than the OMOW marriage pic", etc. Then your post summarized my misgivings.
So was this a false-flag operation? Just stupid enough to be plausible.
So was this a false-flag operation? Just stupid enough to be plausible.
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I'm being unfair, because of course they can always fall back on those lucrative jobs as middle school PE teachers and Jazzercise instructors at local gyms in order to pay the rent.
This IS good news and it DOES help. But I'd rather there was a Nobel Laureate coming out.