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DAVIDinKENAI
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9:33 PM yesterday DAVIDinKENAI commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Forgiveness and Ashley Madison's Innocent Victims.
@15 (sorry if this seems like I'm jumping all over you. Nothing personal. But I AM jumping all over the mindset of turning a blind eye to physical abuse): "A lawyer must keep a client's confidence UNLESS "to prevent reasonably certain death or substantial bodily harm.""

Well, okay, that's one standard. Here's another: police officers, having witnessed what the LW saw, are required to arrest the one being violent. And another: psychologists, teachers, and health-care workers are mandated reporters if they have HEARD evidence of abuse. The LW SAW it happening.

And @18: "But after receiving assurances . . . it's their life."

Abusers are usually charming and convincing people. They are great at giving assurances. If they weren't, they never would have stayed up with anyone long enough to set their hooks. And victims are often quite practiced at dismissing the seriousness of the situation and taking the blame.

"urging them to talk (and more than once perhaps) to a third party"

I would go further. I would insist on calling their professional therapist to confirm they are in on-going counseling (they'd have to give permission).

And to vote as most others have: A promise of silence, extracted in a moment of shock and despair, is not binding. Yes, inform your older sibling because (1) you need support, (2) some offspring knowing and others not will cause unexplained rifts for years to come and (3) NEVER be the only person to know some damning information.
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7:51 PM yesterday DAVIDinKENAI commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Forgiveness and Ashley Madison's Innocent Victims.
@7: Why not bring in the police? If I saw the neighbor throwing his wife around, I would call the police. If a neighbor saw my sister or daughter being thrown around, I would want them to call the police. Why is his Mom less worthy of protection than a stranger? Why is Dad less guilty than a stranger? If DV laws, punishment, and treatment (often anger management classes are required) don't work, let's scrap them all and go back 80 years when beating up and raping your wife was perfectly legal.

Some guys get turned on by violence, including during sex. A lot less women do. Having chatted with professionals about this (after a babysitter hooked up with a paroled rapist), apparently nonconsensual violence during sex gives a poor prognosis for stopping domestic violence outside the bedroom. Maybe Mom was on AM to find a lover who wasn't violent in bed. That's an even harder question to ask Mom in private (and maybe best done by a therapist), but a more important one.

Instead of jumping to HOW do they get through this, discern if they SHOULD get through this (and remain a couple). Because neither we, nor the son, knows the answer to that as this point.
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Aug 25 DAVIDinKENAI commented on Department of Homeland Security Helps NYP Raid and Shut Down Rentboy.com.
Some of you are conflating TSA - that arm of DHS that most regularly gropes you, rifles through the underwear and vibrators in your carry-on, steals valuables from your checked bag (ask any high-end photographer), and images your body through your clothes - with the entire DHS. Follow #1's suggestion and you find DHS is a cabinet-level amalgamation of TSA, INS, Customs, Coast Guard, Secret Service, FEMA, among others.

Under 18 US Code 1952 of the Travel Act, they appear to have authority:
"(b) As used in this section (i) “unlawful activity” means (1) any business enterprise involving . . . prostitution offenses in violation of the laws of the State in which they are committed or of the United States,"
Aug 24 DAVIDinKENAI commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: A Married Woman.
I was thinking, "you should (try to) stay with him. I'm not sure he should stay with you." as Dan closed with. Dan was kind enough to lay out all the background on that for the slow newlywed wife.

To the LW: "we were in a rough spot in our relationship and we weren't having much sex" is "playing the blame game" only if you were, actually, fucking the shit out of each other at that time. Were you? If you were in a dry spell, so early in your relationship, he was right to feel unsure about a future with you. He still should be unsure about a future with you.
Aug 24 DAVIDinKENAI commented on Incoming Duke Freshmen Refuse to Read Alison Bechdel's Fun Home Because Lesbians Are Gross.
I'm seeing two post #14s, each different. Exactly the same timing?

Is this a precursor to removing unlucky #13 as is done in high-rises and on airplane seating?
Aug 23 DAVIDinKENAI commented on SL Letter of the Day: Cover Your Tracks.
CTOB said it in fewer words.

Don't let him beat you up over this. Stand up for yourself. So you might remain together and raise your child in more harmonious household.
Aug 23 DAVIDinKENAI commented on SL Letter of the Day: Cover Your Tracks.
@40: you probably are in the minority to consider sexy emails and exchange of photos and vids to not be somewhere on the "cheating" spectrum. But in my mind, it (1) is a much milder transgression than physical contact (and, as you note, carries none of the disease / pregnancy risk), (2) falls into the "doing what you need to in order to stay married and stay sane" while your H is being a jerk about you caring for your/his child!!! - what, he thought you'd ignore all medical advice ever given about infant's diets and be slamming Nestles formula down the baby's throat on the drive home from the hospital?!?, and (3) I worry about how much "My husband found out and feels VERY betrayed. . . . I underestimated how hurt my husband would/could be." feels like a power play on his part. He gets to be the wounded party? (when he was, in fact, guilty of being a non-GGG sack of shit about lactation instead of turning it into something sexy like any wise new father would) - when does that end - he beating up on you for getting your needs met elsewhere? I'd suggest you put your foot down and set a time limit on your penance. "I'll give you 3 more months to discuss this issue - in therapy sessions - and myself 3 more months to be upset about your (H's) lack of putting forth a little sexual effort (after I carried a child for 9 months, did ALL of the nursing, and (I'm guessing) most of the diapers and childcare). Then, if we want to remain a couple, we each drop both topics and aspire to each do better in the future."
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Aug 21 DAVIDinKENAI commented on Dr. Lori Brotto Is Not Impressed with the New "Female Viagra".
@19: Agreed, "Boosts sexual arousal" is a FAR more interesting headline than "lowers your LDL".

But our future will be full of new drugs for very specific classes of patients. Some of them will be great - real cancer cures but only for a specific cancer in people with a specific genotype. They will be life-saving in those cases. But probably also available for off-label use and there will be a huge profit motive to market them more broadly than the originally approved purpose. Alas, at a time when the FDA is relaxing its approval, prescribing and marketing supervision, these new drugs should have much MORE specific prescribing regulations than anything marketed in the past.
Aug 11 DAVIDinKENAI commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: The Drama Club.
Here's your chance to learn two, important life skills.

One can end a relationship that has gone on too long.

One can end a letter that has gone on too long.
Aug 5 DAVIDinKENAI commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: The Reality Check.
In addition to Dan's advice, which we all knew he was going to give, I'm thinking, "projection". LW thought it was a sure thing - sure enough to introduce the GF to his daughter, sure enough to sell his house - because he was projecting his infatuation and maybe even his "love" on to this woman. BTDT. That he was projecting his infatuation and love onto this woman and believing she felt the same indicates (1) he is capable of loving a partner (not everyone is) and (2) he didn't leave his guard up enough to assess her true feelings based on her actions rather than her words.
 

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