commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Reader Advice Round-up
+1 on the "you don't need your husband's permission to end your marriage"
There can be a dynamic inside of well-off women's heads that they're not victims of domestic violence / emotional abuse because they don't match the mental image of "white-trash / trailer-park" abuse victims. And there's the gilded cage aspect, too: The nice house in the nice neighborhood and sending the kids to good schools and colleges only seems possible within the marriage. To some extent, perhaps. But to a large extent, a divorce settlement may leave the kids' schooling unchanged. YMMV, talk to an attorney. It certainly would model Mom standing up for herself which is important for both sons and daughters to see.
I'd suggest attending some classes at a women's shelter so she sees the abusive patterns within her marriage in a harsher, truer light. And/or get some references and suggestions for books and bloggers who speak to middle / upper-middle-class abuse victims.
commented on CHS: Developers Are Going to Tear Down the QFC on 15th!
Dan, you write like someone who has lived in NYC or SF or Europe for a while - oh, yeah, you have. The clues? Understanding that you need enough population density and local foot traffic to support local stores, which create more local foot traffic and more local stores and pretty soon you don't need a car - you don't even WANT a car, because from public transit to your apartment is just a few blocks and there's a grocery store, laundry, hardware store, bakery, florist and a few restaurants along that route.
Urban acreage is FAR better used for first-floor retail with 2-3 stories of housing above, than for parking lots so people can drive in from elsewhere.
Businesses: house your customers - then they're an income stream through their rents AND their shopping. Housing their cars in hopes of them shopping with you is an expense.
commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Ex-Mormon Wants to Come Out as Poly to Mormon Family
The parallel I'd ask the LW to see is between himself - the newly "converted" polyamorous partner - and those who have newly converted to LSD or any other church. New converts are the most fervent in their new beliefs and heart-felt in how fabulous their lives now are, compared to a short time ago. They aren't the most nuanced or balanced views about their new church nor are they particularly sophisticated in rolling it out to others. This is glaringly obvious when you engage door-knocking Witnesses who tend to be new converts versus Mormon missionaries who, while young, are life-long church members and had a lot of trading beforehand.
Point being: 12 months isn't very long to have been poly and to take on the task of explaining it to a potentially hostile, high-stakes audience. A year or two from now, your own understanding and knowledge of being poly will be much greater, your outside-the-marriage relationships will seem less flash-in-the-pan to your relatives, and some of the new-convert-fervor you feel now will be diminished which actually makes you a better representative: to not be such an over-the-top advocate of what you are, understandably, so excited about right now.
commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Don't Worry, Dating's Hard for Everyone
>"A dog is also a great conversation-starter. "
So is a loaner dog. Someone you know has a dog. That dog would love to go to the local off-leash area. At off-leash areas, single people (married people rush home to spouses and kids) hang around, chat first about the dogs and then about other stuff.
Unlike a bar or club where you have to make split-second decisions about taking it the next step, if you go every Thursday after work, you'll see the same people there. They'll see you there. If there's some chemistry and common ground, something might develop. Even for us less out-going types. Especially for us less-outgoing types. Isn't it easier to imagine approaching someone / being approached by someone who you've seen a few times already? And by chatting about dogs and the weather first instead of high-stakes first-date topics?
commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Facebook Stalking Pharmacist Questions His Ethics
You're supposed to be, not perfect, but "in good working order" to pursue a relationship. If you're too shy / lack enough confidence to chat up a gay guy you met first in public, then you need to work on that FIRST. Don't use the power of your inside knowledge about these guy(s) plus whatever else you learn as you stalk them to boost your ego enough to approach them.
commented on Trump's Sweeping Immigration Raids Have Started
@3: "Give them rights and stuff and they will become just another bunch of fat lazy Americans."
Yeah, but it takes a while. I had a fascinating discussion with the coach from California at a national math competition. We'd each brought our best-four-in-state math students to compete at the highest level. He said, "Most people look at my four and think, 'Asian-Americans'. I (a 4G and 5G Asian-American) look at them and think 'first-generation Asian Americans'."
He went to say that he didn't see a difference in multi-gen Asian-American and Euro-Americans in achievement, work ethic, or becoming a mall-rat. It was those who immigrated themselves and the next generation who are so obsessed and successful at working hard to get ahead.
It was eye-opening, because I too grew up in California, and while I'm suspect of anecdotal data, out of scores of Asian individuals I've known personally, I struggle to find an exception to that rule. I do see exceptions on the Euro-American side. 1 in 20 or 1 in 50 will strive to succeed, so it isn't universal or pre-determined, but damn, it's a strong correlation.
commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Engaged to a Beard
I had a full beard and a lesbian roommate three decades ago. I'd just showered when I gave her a welcome-home hug, so my coarse, curly, warm, moist beard hairs rubbed against her cheek and she said, "You know what that reminds me of?".
commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Well-Adjusted & Ready for a Caning
Short version: "your wife sounds pretty amazing. . . .caning may be the price of admission you have to pay to be with an otherwise GGG and highly accommodating spouse"
He's gotten to know and accept more and more about what turns his crank, while at the same time his wife has gotten to know what turns her off, "she's drawn back from whipping because she doesn't like hurting me". She was stunningly game to give a try, repeatedly, but can now honestly say whipping/caning isn't just a neutral, nothing-in-it-for-her thing (she's still doing lots of that stuff), but is a negative for her.
He's focused on what's in it for him with acknowledgment of but apparently no sympathy for how she experiences it. And then there's the lack of any "I give her lots of the vanilla sex she likes" or "I go down on her for hours each month even though it doesn't rev me up", etc.
Isn't the cardinal rule for a kinkster with a ultra-GGG partner to make sure the partner is satisfied in every way?