May 2
delta35 commented on Savage Love.
@40 A salute to your service, though I disagree with the endless wars and the motivations of the politicians who started / continue them, I have met many young vets and their motivations are usually honorable and good. BUT on relationship advice -- what worked in your relationship doesn't mean it will work for every soldier or is best for everyone. Dan never says his way for everyone.
As for military integrity -- I'm guessing you haven't read about the origins of the swingers movement in the USA. Apparently they began with US pilots in WW2, they and their wives pioneered the modern coupled swingers movement as a way of making sure (1) flyers could have some fun since many were going to their deaths, (2) wives if widowed would have someone(s) to help them. Can't find the title but there's a "real" (serious) book about this in addition to several online sites. (I know the modern swingers movement is not so sexist -- males getting off / females getting support -- today it's about both couples getting off, but the origins were quite different.)
As for military integrity -- I'm guessing you haven't read about the origins of the swingers movement in the USA. Apparently they began with US pilots in WW2, they and their wives pioneered the modern coupled swingers movement as a way of making sure (1) flyers could have some fun since many were going to their deaths, (2) wives if widowed would have someone(s) to help them. Can't find the title but there's a "real" (serious) book about this in addition to several online sites. (I know the modern swingers movement is not so sexist -- males getting off / females getting support -- today it's about both couples getting off, but the origins were quite different.)
May 2
delta35 commented on Savage Love.
@2 agreed! This is one of Dan's masterpieces. Wisdom-that-applies-to-many + kind-yet-sharp takedown of the entitlement of the 1st LW, insight and understanding on second LW with smart how-to-relationship stuff, and pithy "go do it" on 3rd.
Fantastic job, Dan!
Fantastic job, Dan!
Apr 27
delta35 commented on Savage Love.
SPOILER ALERT about the film Chroniques sexuelles (sorry I should have had a spoiler alert in my @100 too).
The film is also pro REAL family values: 3 generations of a family together, sharing life, helping each other out -- grandparents helping raise adult grandkids, not flown off to Miama living in a 55+ community. The film is also pro-sex worker. Grandad loved his dead wife so much he doesn't want an emotional relationship with anyone else but still has sexual desires which he fulfills with a sex worker. MAJOR SPOILER BELOW
.
.
.
.
MAJOR SPOILER: The sex worker is not exploited, and she likes her job. When grandad dies his daughter invites the sex worker to the funeral.
C'est très raisonnable, n'est-ce pas?
The film is also pro REAL family values: 3 generations of a family together, sharing life, helping each other out -- grandparents helping raise adult grandkids, not flown off to Miama living in a 55+ community. The film is also pro-sex worker. Grandad loved his dead wife so much he doesn't want an emotional relationship with anyone else but still has sexual desires which he fulfills with a sex worker. MAJOR SPOILER BELOW
.
.
.
.
MAJOR SPOILER: The sex worker is not exploited, and she likes her job. When grandad dies his daughter invites the sex worker to the funeral.
C'est très raisonnable, n'est-ce pas?
Apr 27
delta35 commented on Savage Love.
Here's a nice French film:
Chroniques sexuelles d'une famille d'aujourd'hui (2012)
Sexual Chronicles of a French Family
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1753584/
It's a made-for-TV type of film, low budget. IMDB rates it low but it's kind of cutesy and shows old people, young people, middle aged people living normal lives today. Catch it on Netflix. French are *still* shy about sex especially talking with their parents, of course. Parents aren't "chaperones" listening in -- just a slight change of paradigm from "not under my roof."
Just like you monitor who your *teen* is hanging out with as friends -- do you really want your teen hanging with neo Nazis? You should monitor who your teen is having close relationships with of all types. You can't control them a good parent *should* be trying to shape / monitor their choices in sex partners. You have a 16 year old (boy, girl, gay, straight, doesn't matter). Similar age BF / GF? Good. 30 year old, not good! If you aren't acknowledging they are sexual and talking about their relationships -- and are holding your hands over your ears, those types of conversations are *not* going to happen.
Of course, the above is just a film but rings true to what I've seen in France. Also good because it shows a teen making a really stupid choice (masturbating in class on a dare and recording it on his cell phone) and his school does a sensible thing -- suspends him, investigates situation, and when they find out everyone was taking turns doing the same, reinstates him. In America he'd have been arrested, maybe sent to jail, and listed as a life-long sex offender.
More...
Chroniques sexuelles d'une famille d'aujourd'hui (2012)
Sexual Chronicles of a French Family
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1753584/
It's a made-for-TV type of film, low budget. IMDB rates it low but it's kind of cutesy and shows old people, young people, middle aged people living normal lives today. Catch it on Netflix. French are *still* shy about sex especially talking with their parents, of course. Parents aren't "chaperones" listening in -- just a slight change of paradigm from "not under my roof."
Just like you monitor who your *teen* is hanging out with as friends -- do you really want your teen hanging with neo Nazis? You should monitor who your teen is having close relationships with of all types. You can't control them a good parent *should* be trying to shape / monitor their choices in sex partners. You have a 16 year old (boy, girl, gay, straight, doesn't matter). Similar age BF / GF? Good. 30 year old, not good! If you aren't acknowledging they are sexual and talking about their relationships -- and are holding your hands over your ears, those types of conversations are *not* going to happen.
Of course, the above is just a film but rings true to what I've seen in France. Also good because it shows a teen making a really stupid choice (masturbating in class on a dare and recording it on his cell phone) and his school does a sensible thing -- suspends him, investigates situation, and when they find out everyone was taking turns doing the same, reinstates him. In America he'd have been arrested, maybe sent to jail, and listed as a life-long sex offender.
Apr 26
delta35 commented on Savage Love.
@89 myself --some teens will ignore it and be reckless but the facts from Europe are that teens (same age for having sex as USA) can be a lot more responsible than in the USA (400% more pregnancy rate in USA than Netherlands or something like that) -- part of the problem is parents in USA insisting on this "not under my roof - earn your own rent money first" BS; sex education is part of it too, of course, it's not one thing
Apr 26
delta35 commented on Savage Love.
@64 @67 seandr -- great examples! well said!
@85 paragraph 1 -- i think many americans don't realize it's different elsewhere and even the ones that do say "the way i did it was best so that's how my kids are going to do it" without really opening up their minds to what they're risking
interestingly europe was very different 50 or 60 years ago. so culture can change.
bottom line, the age at which most kids (>50%) have sex is 16 to 18, ages when their impulse control is still developing -- so they are less likely to make wise decisions on condoms and booze and need HELP from their parents to make sure an adequate supply of condoms are on hand. kids are also less likely to get sexually assaulted if the only time they expect to have sex is when their parents are in the house. win-win if parents changed the norm as Amy suggests in her excellent book, from "not under my roof earn your own rent first" to "OK under my roof only when we're in and you have a BF/GF we approve of and are using protection"
@85 paragraph 1 -- i think many americans don't realize it's different elsewhere and even the ones that do say "the way i did it was best so that's how my kids are going to do it" without really opening up their minds to what they're risking
interestingly europe was very different 50 or 60 years ago. so culture can change.
bottom line, the age at which most kids (>50%) have sex is 16 to 18, ages when their impulse control is still developing -- so they are less likely to make wise decisions on condoms and booze and need HELP from their parents to make sure an adequate supply of condoms are on hand. kids are also less likely to get sexually assaulted if the only time they expect to have sex is when their parents are in the house. win-win if parents changed the norm as Amy suggests in her excellent book, from "not under my roof earn your own rent first" to "OK under my roof only when we're in and you have a BF/GF we approve of and are using protection"
Apr 26
delta35 commented on Savage Love.
Here's Amy's website:
http://www.amyschalet.com
If you don't have time to read her book, watch the short video. She's not telling anyone what to do just that there are far more options than most American parents consider normal in terms of how to handle your kids becoming sexually active -- >50% of whom become sexually active before 18 in ALL countries.
Her book is based on RESEARCH, real experience of many parents, cross-national teen pregnancy rates, facts.
http://www.amyschalet.com
If you don't have time to read her book, watch the short video. She's not telling anyone what to do just that there are far more options than most American parents consider normal in terms of how to handle your kids becoming sexually active -- >50% of whom become sexually active before 18 in ALL countries.
Her book is based on RESEARCH, real experience of many parents, cross-national teen pregnancy rates, facts.
Apr 24
delta35 commented on Savage Love.
Catholic League of America got your brain, Dan? @48 too.
Go read the Amy Shalet's book on cultural differences in how parents handle their teens' sex lives, or just a summary of it at:
http://www.nytimes.com/2011/07/24/opinio…
http://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2011/…
Amy's book also talked about some Dutch families where the teens had first sex while parents were home, pre-planned, and everyone had a family breakfast together the next morning.
It is *normal* in some countries for teens to talk about their sex lives with their parents, have sex at home, and make wiser choices because of it (lower STI rates, fewer teen pregnancies in Netherlands). WAKE UP PEOPLE!! Especially Dan. Shame on you. In your dotage you're becoming a closet Catholic. Where do you think gay teens are more likely to use condoms, plenty of lube so the condoms don't break, and not risk STIs? If having sex at 16 under parents' roof on a supervised sleepover with no drugs or booze, or if forced to sneak around in the back of a car or at a friend's house while parents are away where there are drugs and booze. Sheesh.
More...
Go read the Amy Shalet's book on cultural differences in how parents handle their teens' sex lives, or just a summary of it at:
http://www.nytimes.com/2011/07/24/opinio…
http://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2011/…
Amy's book also talked about some Dutch families where the teens had first sex while parents were home, pre-planned, and everyone had a family breakfast together the next morning.
It is *normal* in some countries for teens to talk about their sex lives with their parents, have sex at home, and make wiser choices because of it (lower STI rates, fewer teen pregnancies in Netherlands). WAKE UP PEOPLE!! Especially Dan. Shame on you. In your dotage you're becoming a closet Catholic. Where do you think gay teens are more likely to use condoms, plenty of lube so the condoms don't break, and not risk STIs? If having sex at 16 under parents' roof on a supervised sleepover with no drugs or booze, or if forced to sneak around in the back of a car or at a friend's house while parents are away where there are drugs and booze. Sheesh.
Apr 16
delta35 commented on Savage Love.
@BONG. Vaporizer good for reducing carcinogens. 420 brownies good too:*
http://the420times.com/2009/09/cooking-w…
(maybe the militant vegan slogger can suggest a non-butter recipe)
*(actually never tried this recipe, I live in a state that bans pot and don't want to risk my professional license. police state america sucks. but edible likely better than smoking even w/ vaporizer in terms of habitual use risk factors)
http://the420times.com/2009/09/cooking-w…
(maybe the militant vegan slogger can suggest a non-butter recipe)
*(actually never tried this recipe, I live in a state that bans pot and don't want to risk my professional license. police state america sucks. but edible likely better than smoking even w/ vaporizer in terms of habitual use risk factors)
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But BBTB is American and Americans don't care about science... OMG! My kid might be looking at nekkid people! Let me give him a dumb phone and make him the laughing stock of the whole school....