Aug 26, 2015
commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Forgiveness and Ashley Madison's Innocent Victims
When I was just 5 or 6 years-old, my mother had an affair with my father's brother. I still remember hearing him slap the crap out of her in the living room when he found out. I remember my sister and I screaming for it to stop, and it did when we cried out. I also remember my mom trying to say it was all her fault. Even as a small child, I knew that wasn't true. Fast forward to when I was about 12 and my father was still upset about it. One night, they started fighting and the only reason he didn't hit her was because my sister and I, again, cried out to stop it. He supposedly "went back to the Lord" and everything was fine, until I was 28 and we found out he was spending thousands of dollars from their savings account and having sex with prostitutes. He ended up squandering most of their retirement money and giving my mother an STI. My mother, being a devout Christian, refused to leave him, even with my sister's and my encouragement and having other men interested in her romantically. Again, dad said he was going to go back to church and all was forgiven. Then, when I was 35, my mom got a call from the jail. My father (who was 63 at the time) had been arrested for some serious charges including assault with a deadly weapon. He had been spending time with this young girl (only 19) who grew up next door to us, providing alcohol, and smoking pot with her and her friends. Turns out her boyfriend didn't like having him around. They got into an argument and the boyfriend started hitting my dad. My dad got into his truck to try to get away and accidentally hit the kid as he was driving away. The charges were eventually dropped and my mother finally issued an ultimatum: he was to stop this sort of behavior or she would leave. He did stop and is now a regular church-goer, which makes my mother happy, but he still treats her badly in other ways (emotionally) and she still takes it. I often think my father's continued acting out could have been prevented if they had received actual counseling for their marital issues, rather than relying on religious counseling and pretending everything is forgiven. LW, please make sure you and your parents get some counseling for this. This is the kind of stuff that sticks with you. Neither of my parents got counseling for it and they are still dealing with it. I'm 45 and still remember the sound of my father hitting her almost 40 years ago. This isn't the kind of thing that can be swept under the rug, for any of you. Good luck to you and your family.
Jul 25, 2015
commented on Really Awful Word of the Day: Cuckservative
@18, when chi_type refers to the history of black men being lynched for having sex with white women, s/he is talking about the lynchings that occurred primarily in the South (although in other places, too) from the days of slavery up to the 1960's and 70's. Perhaps you slept through that part of history class or maybe the district you attended decided not to teach it?
Mar 10, 2015
commented on Glory Hole Rededicated in Alaska
Technically speaking, the rainbow as a symbol of God's covenant with humanity to not flood the earth again was originally a Hebrew/Jewish concept which the Christians stole, along with the rest of Genesis, the Ten Commandments, and the parts of Leviticus that condemn what they believe is homosexuality. Next time you hear any Christians complaining about the LGBTQ equality movement "stealing" the rainbow symbol, remind them that they stole it first.
Jan 25, 2015
commented on SL Letter of the Day: Wonderful Fiancé Turns Out To Be Total Shit Stain
So, Banned, it sounds like you end any contact with anybody with whom you have had sex, but for whatever reason, the relationship ended. How sad for you.
Some of us understand that we are more than our biology and that sex is not the only thing that defines a relationship. I'm a woman and have a male friend (Old Friend; OF) whom I've known for over 12 years. My relationship with OF did start out as a sexual fling for about three weeks. It ended after that and we didn't see each other for a while. We got back in touch later, but only as friends. Why do I keep OF in my life, even though I'm now in a wonderful relationship with another man (Significant Other; SO) and OF is engaged to another woman? Because we have a great non-sexual connection and we like each other as human beings. Neither of us wants to be with the other sexually, so why shouldn't we be able to enjoy the other aspects of ourselves and each other as friends?
If my SO told me to end my friendship with OF, I would tell my SO that him telling me who I can and can't have as friends is a deal-breaker, and if he is serious about me ending my friendship with OF, then that would mean the end of our (SO and my) relationship. How does that make me immature? I'm not the one incapable of dealing with the fact that my partner has a friendship with somebody s/he once fucked (over a decade ago). My SO is still friends with the woman with whom he lost his virginity over 30 years ago. They haven't had sex in over 28 years. If I were to tell him he had to stop being friends with her, I would think that would make me the immature one, not him for having the friendship.
Some people can have multifaceted relationships, even with people with whom they may have had sex, and that doesn't mean they want to have sex with them now or that they should stop being friends because one of them is now in a romantic relationship. If you are so insecure that you can't handle that, then it seems you are the one who has some growing up to do.
Feb 27, 2014
commented on A Baker Refused to Make Your Wedding Cake?
Just another option - perhaps Arizona bakeries (and photographers, caterers, etc.) who support LGBT equality should have their own list, or perhaps there could be a sign they could put in their windows, webpage, and advertisements that says they welcome LGBT individuals? Maybe a small rainbow decal?
I often see the "Jesus fish" on advertisements for businesses that are proud of their Christianity, why can't pro-LGBT businesses have their own sign or decal that they can put on their advertisements?
Feb 27, 2014
commented on Imploring Bi People to Come Out is Biphobic
From raku @12: "White dudes as a group love telling other people what to do, as if they're smarter and have more experience being part of that underprivileged group."
This comment sounds as though raku has forgotten Dan was responding to a question he received as an advice columnist. You know, as part of his job? Raku makes it sound as though Dan's advice was unsolicited and that Dan was just sitting around one day when he thought, "As a 'superior white dude,' I had better write a column telling bisexuals how to live their lives!" No, he was simply answering a question that had been asked of him.
BTW, raku, did you read the original letter? I thought Dan's advice was spot on, and he even has science on his side. Psychological studies have shown the best way to change stereotypes and prejudices is for those who hold those views to meet, and interact with, members of the stereotyped group. How are we supposed to help others see bisexual people, when they won't come out and be seen? How are we supposed to foster better communication with bisexual people if bisexual people aren't out?
It also seems that Raku thinks people can read minds. She gets upset when people think a bisexual person is gay if they are dating a person of the same sex, or straight if they are dating a member of the opposite sex.
I will admit that if I don't know you are bisexual and I see you in a relationship with a member of the same sex, yes, I will likely assume you are gay. And if I don't know you are bisexual, and I see you in a relationship with a member of the opposite sex, I will likely assume you are straight. Do you see the most important part of those sentences? Here's a hint: "If I don't know you are bisexual . . ."
Raku, I cannot read your mind, so if I don't know you are bisexual, I will take it at face value that you are straight if you are in a relationship with a member of the opposite sex, and gay if you are in a relationship with a member of the same sex. And considering the statistical base rates of sexual orientations, I don't believe those are unreasonable assumptions. However, if I know you are bisexual, and I see you with a member of either sex, I will know you are a bisexual person who is in a relationship with this person, regardless of their gender.
I have a good analogy. I have Crohn's, a painful and difficult digestive disease. As such, I have an extremely restricted diet. However, when people meet me, unless I tell them, they would never know this. So, if I'm invited to a party, but I don't tell the host about my dietary restrictions, s/he is going to assume that I can eat pretty much anything, and I have will have no right to be upset if there is nothing there for me to eat. The host cannot read my mind and "know" that I can't eat certain foods. The only way the host can know that is if I tell him/her. And usually when I tell the host, they are very kind and accommodating (although I don't expect it, it's always nice). Telling them puts who I am and what I need out there in the open for all to see. And I hope that by being open about my disease, I will bring greater understanding to those who have never heard of Crohn's disease, and by teaching people about it, I am hoping to make life easier for other people with Crohn's. Rather than thinking of it as just some disease, they now know somebody with it, have heard my struggles with is, and by interacting with me they would be less likely to mistreat or dismiss somebody else who has it.
Now, before anybody freaks out and thinks I'm calling bisexuality a disease, I most certainly NOT doing that. While I may be straight (and although I'm not a "dude," I am white), I respect LGBT individuals and strongly support their fight for equality. I'm only using my own experience to help raku understand that you cannot expect the world to change or accommodate you unless you are willing to let the world know why they need to do so. In other words, it's unfair for you to be upset with people who assume you are either gay or straight when you haven't told them you are bisexual. In addition, it is also unreasonable for you to believe that bisexuals can stay closeted and still somehow make their presence known at the same time.
Sorry for the long comment, and seriously, I wasn't saying bisexuality is a disease. We all have aspects of ourselves that we need to share with the world. I want to educate the world about Crohn's disease, and so I am open about it. Dan was just saying that if you want to educate the world about your bisexuality, the best way to do that is to be out and open about it.